Takes

Andrew Hill will win Olympic gold in short track speed skating because everyone else will crash

We got one American left in the competition. Eagles fan, Bucks County. Andrew Hill. ... We're gonna be rooting for Andrew Hill. He's 18 to one. ... Survive the crashes. But yeah, this sport is awesome because they just wipe out so hard.

I could medal in a women's Olympic slalom event

What sport would become the most watched if they allowed trash talk... [Hank proposed putting athletes in different sports] ... Hank couldn't medal in a single woman's event. I agree with that. [Hank]: Slalom. ... Not in men's but women's. ... women's slalom turns are not that hard.

Gable Steveson is the next Kurt Angle

Gable Stevenson, who's a Barstool athlete... that was incredible. The backflip, fucking legend. He's the next Kurt Angle, I think.

Italian sprinter Lamont Jacobs 100% used steroids to win Olympic gold

Did [Lamont Jacobs] do it? Yeah, 100%. If you look at his Instagram photos from him like two years ago, he's like rail thin. And then if you look at him now, he's like kind of jacked.

Olympic runners are breaking world records because there are no fans to suck the oxygen out of the stadium

If there's no crowd at all, does that mean that there's more oxygen for the people to breathe on the track? ... They're sucking all the oxygen out normally, but when there's no fans there, it's a richer environment for especially distance runners to be able to breathe more efficiently.

Olympic fencing should use sharper swords to make it more dangerous

I think they should have sharper swords and fencing. Like give me an element of danger. It should be death, death, death, but like maiming.

I could medal in curling because I like cleaning

My first pick is going to be curling. I think if you just gave me four years, I could figure it out every single day. I like shuffleboard, I like ice, I like being slightly overweight... and broom guy, the broom guy seems like it's like—I love cleaning.

I could medal in pole vaulting if I trained for four years

I will go with pole vaulting. You just run, stick the stick... All you got to do is run straight and get the timing down. I'm going to be jacked by August.

I could medal in Equestrian sports because the horse does the work

This one, you actually don't have to be athletic at all, but a question in sports... you can train a horse, you don't actually have to be that good. ... It's new team names. The horse does the work.

I could medal in Olympic ski jumping by just going 'full send' once

I'm going to go with ski jumping. I'll just bomb it once and just go full send... and just land and crash and I'll have the longest one. ... I can stand perfectly still for about 10 seconds while I'm going downhill... and then you just do like one of those little springs at the last second.

Winter Olympics athletes aren't that impressive; you just have to be born in the right place

The Winter Olympics are definitely the Olympics where you can sit there and if you watch it long enough, you can convince yourself you could have been an athlete in every single sport. It's not hard. It's just essentially like if you were born in a weird European country and they didn't have basketball yet, you would be a speed skater.

Michael Phelps is definitely coming out of retirement for the Tokyo Olympics

Does anyone actually think that Michael Phelps isn't racing in Tokyo? The guy can't go a year without having to get into a race with a great white shark, and this is the guy who's retired? He's definitely going to race in Tokyo.

Europe is on the hot seat for being off its game across all sports

My hot seat, I've got the entire country of Europe. Europe has been off its game. They can't win at the Olympics. They can't win at the Ryder Cup. They lost England.

I could win an Olympic silver medal in a swimming relay if I was on a team with Michael Phelps, Ryan Lochte, and Connor Dwyer

If you put me with Michael Phelps, Ryan Lochte, and Connor Dwyer, and we do the four-person 200 meters, I think we at least take silver.

In 50 years, Michael Phelps will look like an old-fashioned offense as swimmers evolve into creatures with pool-length arms and tiny torsos

In like 50 years, we're going to look back at Michael Phelps the way that we look at the old Notre Dame offenses in football where they just run the ball straight forward. It'll just be a guy that's got arms that are the length of the pool and like a tiny little torso, and you'll dive in, and you just slap both sides back and forth.

Ryan Lochte should lean into his gas station incident by getting a gun sponsorship

If I'm Lochte, I think it's pretty simple actually. If I'm Lochte, I get sponsored by a gun company because you're not going to get held up if you've got a gun. I've got like some catchphrases already... Lochte and loaded.