Takes

Jimmy Garoppolo's date with a porn star was actually a charity auction win

The porn star won an auction, a charity auction, to spend an evening with Jimmy Garoppolo. So he was saving kids' lives by taking the porn star on a date. I don't know if this is true or not. In fact, it sounds exactly like something that you would make up to tell your girlfriend... I'm saying that what actually happened was the porn star paid a couple grand probably for a nice evening out on the town with a nice young quarterback.

Brock Osweiler helped his teams by keeping the defense on the field

The Texans had a really good defense. And so Osweiler did a great job of keeping their best unit on the field. [Same with the Broncos]. Brock Osweiler knows how to have his team play to its strengths by always keeping the defense on the field.

Eddie Lacy is only signing with the Seahawks for a Skittles sponsorship

Lacey might just be angling for a Skittles sponsorship. So we saw Marshawn's locker. Maybe Marshawn's locker is still filled with Skittles, and Lacey was like, you guys don't even have to pay me as long as I can live in this locker.

Mike Glennon is going to be great and perfect for the Chicago Bears

Mike Glennon's gonna be great for the Bears he's gonna be perfect and he is exactly he's exactly who the Bears would get in this situation because when you look at all the Bears quarterbacks they all suck... you need the guy who half the city is like, I think he could be okay. And then the rest of the city is like, you guys are all idiots.

If you never get a medical test, you don't officially have the condition

I support Dez Bryant. I think if you don't get the STD test, you don't have an STD. ... It's like saying if you don't go to the doctor for over a decade, you're not obese and you're not in danger of health or heart disease.

A meteor will wipe out humanity next week, so you shouldn't pay your bookie

Expert says Meteor could wipe out Earth next week, marking the end of humanity. You want to know where the spin zone comes in? Hank, you're in my boat. We've had a tough, tough run of it with the old bookie. End of humanity in a week. Just dodge that call... Do not pay your bookie. You just got to run out the clock here.

Concussions aren't real

But actually concussions aren't real. So I don't know what Tebow is trying to get out there. Little Tebow is not the kind of guy who pretends to believe in stuff that doesn't actually exist.

Rex Ryan got his lap band removed to win more games

Rex Ryan got his lap band out. And he said that it's because he won more football games as a fat guy... This is what happened here was Rob and Rex went out for Buffalo Wings like every single Sunday... and he was just sick of puking... I'm going to go through surgery just so I can eat some more.

Trent Richardson being cut is good because it starts his Hall of Fame eligibility clock sooner

Great news for Richardson. Now the clock can start on his five-year eligibility until he can get into the Hall of Fame. So he can get it in 2021 instead of 2022.

Trent Richardson is definitely taking steroids if he thinks he is a Hall of Famer

Pre-crime. Trent Richardson is going to be using steroids. I'd say it's a fair assumption. He obviously has not taken any performance-enhancing drugs... but he hasn't been taking PEDs [yet].

LeBron James lacks grit because he peaked in high school

LeBron has no grit, but it's not from his own – it's not his own fault... I think that LeBron's just been screwed over. Like I said, the guy peaked in high school and... he was back in, like, 11th, 12th grade being put in the center of the universe.

Stanley Johnson is actually in LeBron James' head by making LeBron think he's crazy

So you're thinking LeBron has probably read this and was like – like laughed it off, like, ha, ha, ha, ha, Stanley Johnson thinks he's in my head. And then there was a quick pause, and he's like, uh – maybe he is. I don't know.

Johnny Manziel going to the Denver Broncos makes sense

We're the first people that we heard say Johnny Manziel would make sense in Denver. And I think we're now proving it. Von Miller and Johnny Manziel getting their act together together.

Johnny Manziel can be saved by the Denver Broncos

Johnny Manziel can be saved by the Denver Broncos. Von Miller has been talking about Johnny Manziel going to the Broncos... I'm pretty sure a locker room that just won the Super Bowl is going to be like, Johnny, don't fuck around. More importantly, Denver... is known as Menver because it's like 75% dudes... Johnny won't have as much opportunity for the ladies in Menver.