Takes

Chris Paul will never win a championship

Second pick is gonna be Chris Paul. Chris Paul can't win the big one. Just can't do it. He's never gonna win the big one.

Caitlin Clark is officially on the 'can't win the big one' list until she wins a professional title

Caitlin Clark can't win the big one. She has not been able to win the big one. She literally college cannot win the big one and I don't know what else you could say about it. That's gonna get people real mad. Angel Reese can win the big one, she's a better winner.

I will eventually own a Taco Bell franchise with PFT and Hank

Let's just, let's agree to it right here. Like a suicide pact, but not suicide. Let's one day own Taco Bell together. I would love that. Would fucking sick.

The breakup of Chrissy Teigen and John Legend will be the greatest day on the internet

I can't wait for Chrissy Teigen and John Legend. It's gonna be the best day on the internet. Like all these people being like, what is love anymore? ... It will be the greatest breakup of all time... Their private life must be a horror show. John legend... that's the kind of guy that cheats as he gets older. He's gonna do it like in a classy way.

I will eat a pound of corn if the Billy/Jake/Memes team wins the Fruit Mount Rushmore

If you lose, I wanna see you eat five pounds of corn... Alright, how about a pound of—I'm talking about by the way, loose corn? Not ears of corn. A pound of corn. Deal.

Wisconsin will never win a national title in football or basketball

Personal one, Wisconsin will never win a national title in football or basketball... I accepted it when Coach K paid off the refs at halftime [in 2015], but that was the moment. It will never happen.

Climate change will cause the earth to fry in the next 100 years

Climate change is real and the earth is basically going to fry in the next hundred years... Or less. For sure going to happen.

Bronny James Jr. is a 'buy' stock for future greatness

This is the anti-pander pick, Bronny James Jr. I'm going to squat on that one. I'm going to buy that stock.

Bronny James Jr. will be a bust

You are forgetting that this is all about a mountain of greatness. Not predicting future greatness... Plus, [Bronny James Jr.]'s going to be a bust.

Federal legalization of marijuana is an absolute 'layup' for the U.S.

Federally legalized marijuana. I mean, we're halfway there... I think one day we'll look back and look at this like prohibition and it'll look really fucking stupid.

The Wisconsin Badgers will never win a national title in football or basketball

Wisconsin ever winning a national title in anything... Basketball and football, yeah. So that one, that chip failed the night [of] the Duke game [in 2015]. I actually said it... I was like, that's it. We're never coming back... It's never happening.

I am going to win the 50-50 raffle eventually

One dream I'm going to hold on to, winning the 50-50. I'm going to win that. Never let go.

Lacrosse will be the fourth major sport in America in 30 years

Should lacrosse take over soccer as the fourth major sport? I think it's got to be us. I think we've got to take it upon ourselves... 30 years.