Takes

Joe Burrow is a top-three quarterback in the NFL

Joe burrow like makes it look very, very easy, but that dude throws it down the field. Like he's not one of, a lot of these new age quarterbacks is like efficiency and we're throwing the five yard passes... Joe burrow to me is a guy wanted to hate, but absolutely love watching play. I'd say he is in my top three. Ooh.

Josh Allen is the best quarterback in the NFL

For me, and the reason that some of these guys really bug me and the reason that I love a guy like Josh Allen... this is the reason that I think Josh Allen is the best quarterback in the NFL... we've got the talent. He's also the dude that sits in the locker room and he's just a dude. He can just be the Carson Palmer for me when I was young... if the leader of your football team can do that and is that human being, then it just resonates with everybody and sets a tone in the building.

Locker room culture and the human element still trump analytics and numbers in football

Does that human element still trump everything else when it comes to numbers? ... let down games or the team that has no chance. Everyone wrote 'em off, but they're able to do something like the locker room and how it comes together. Is that, would you say that's more important than, you know, numbers and all these like, Hey, when should we go on fourth down and everything?

I believe that Queen Elizabeth is in heaven and I definitely believe in hell

[Big Cat]: Do you think Queen Elizabeth is in heaven? [Goff]: I hope so. [Big Cat]: Follow up. I know this is part of the first question. Do you believe in hell? [Goff]: Oh yeah.

Patrick Mahomes is the best physical quarterback in NFL history

I think we talked to Jules about that. It's like, wait, we haven't really said his name at all and he's probably the best quarterback physically in the history of the NFL.

The Sun Belt is the best conference in sports

The Sunbelt is the best conference in America. Yep. Sunbelt east... Best conference in sports.

I will watch the in-season Hard Knocks in April because I already have in-season football content now

I'll probably watch the in season Hard Knocks in like maybe April after the NCAA tournament. That's when I'll go back and I'll rewatch the football content. But now like I have in season Hard Knocks already, it's called NFL football.

Dabo Swinney would be a serial killer or a Scientology leader if not for football

If it weren't for football, like Dabo Swinney would be a serial killer. Like he's, he's unhinged. He's an unhinged human being. He's not a well-adjusted human being... He probably would take over for David Miscavige and just be the next fucking Scientology guy.

Brian Kelly already regrets moving to LSU

You can see the look in his eye. He's already thinking to himself, like I fucked up, I made the wrong decision. I don't know what I'm doing down here.

The college football season should start in July

They should start college football season in fucking July because it was like, I just... It was so fun watching just wall to wall college football.

Frosted Flakes are a perfectly average and unexciting cereal

I feel like Frosted Flakes is an okay cereal, but it's just never is anyone's like—does anyone get excited about it? They're perfectly average. Unless they're stale at the continental breakfast.

Raiders' first-round draft picks carry a permanent 'stink' and are high-risk assets

I've always said that even when you're doing a trade with a team like the Raiders, if you're taking their picks, they still have some of the stink of the Raiders on them... giving them more picks is like giving JPP [Jason Pierre-Paul] more fireworks.

Bill Clinton definitely hooked up with Dr. Ruth at the US Open

Bill Clinton was at the US Open too. And he was best term for it—he was noodling with Dr. Ruth. They were getting very close... bill Clinton was getting real horny with Dr. Ruth. And I think he fucked her. I'm going to say he fucked her.

Albert Pujols' late-career home run surge is suspicious and 'not normal'

Albert Pujols, 42 years old. July 4th he was hitting .189. And since then he leads the league in batting average and has like 11 homers. That's totally normal... Why does Sam Querrey not do fucking drugs before he retires? He should have done some fucking Winstrol.

Rumors of friction with Tom Brady were completely false

It was a big one [the rumor of friction]. It's nothing could be further from the truth. We have a great relationship... Tom, he's asking more questions and I throw him in the golf cart and he's old enough and I can drive him off the field.

Tom Brady is throwing the ball better at age 45 than he did two years ago

He's throwing better now. It's crazy... he's got great mechanics. He's one of those full body throwers. He's not using all just arm. Tom, he's an amazing human being... he's throwing the ball better and I've ever seen him throw it.

Andrew Luck was the best quarterback I ever coached, even just as a rookie

Andrew Luck. Number one. Really? I only had him as a rookie, but he was unbelievable. Skilled wise is off the chart, but mentally he was right there with Peyton and Andrew and Tom.

Chicken wings are not a good leftover

As a man that loves chicken wings, who would like to be buried under six feet of chicken wings when I die, I will be the first to tell you that chicken wings are not a good leftover.

Tom Brady looks gaunt following his mystery absence

I'm going to be honest. I think [Tom Brady] looks gaunt like the definition of the word gaunt.

Mike McCarthy is extra dumb because he is also overweight

I'm just going to say that's what Big Cat's thinking. We all think it, Mike McCarthy is a dumb-dumb. And it's also just a fact as a bigger guy myself, like when you're overweight and you're dumb, you're extra dumb. Like, it just there's something about it where it's just like, well, he's really dumb.

McLaren is dead to me for dumping Daniel Ricciardo

Danny Ricciardo got dumped by McLaren. McLaren is dead to me now. I hate them. I always hated them, but now I really hate them. Kind of fucked up.

Mad Dog Russo only says Nick Saban isn't the GOAT to look stupid and get attention

He said that Nick Saban is not the greatest coach of all time, which is a very funny thing to do... he said, 'How can I have a take that shocks the world and makes me look really stupid?' Boom. Mission accomplished.

Boobs are the undisputed #1 overall pick for things that are cooler in slow motion

Boobs, easy. So they said, when we said slow motion, max, Hank and memes... they're like, oh, easy way. Who picked? Yeah. But you guys were going to pick it... literally Max took his pants off and started jerking off. He's like boom, boom and boom.

I wouldn't give up watching football even to double my net worth

[Speaker 4]: Would you double your net worth if it meant that you were no longer allowed to watch NFL football? [Wahlberg]: No, I don't think so. I don't think it distracts me or it takes away from what I'm doing in my primary business on my job.

Tom Cruise is the biggest movie star in the history of film

I got to tell you, Tom cruise is probably the biggest movie star in the history of film. One of them, for sure. I know if I could get the chance to work with Tom I'm showing up.

Hangovers at age 37 are a traumatic experience that ruins your entire week

I'm pre upset at myself for how shitty I'm going to feel on Saturday and Sunday... I know I can reach my peak. It's just the, when I reached my peak, the aftermath is very, very difficult to bounce back with. So I'm, I probably won't feel good again until mid next week. So yeah, pre fire-festing the hangover and the regret that I have from going on a bachelor party at 37.

Hard Knocks episode three is when you realize you're just ready for real football

That feeling of Hard Knocks episode one is one of the best feelings in the calendar because you're like, we want football. And then you get to episode three and you're like, okay, I wanna play real games.

New technology is ruining the art of slacking off in professional sports

[Easy] dealt with something that I realized during this show, I would absolutely hate about being a professional athlete, which is every practice, every rep is videotaped. I think technology's it's ruining the art of slacking off.

Stephen A. Smith would win the Presidency if he ran

Stephen A. Smith said that he would run for president... I'll tell you this right now. Stephen A. Smith, you would win. Yes, you would win. Who would debate against Stephen A. Smith? He would literally go to Texas and mock the Cowboys and be like, I don't give a fuck about your votes and still win.

I could kick Dan Campbell's and Mike Vrabel's asses in a fight

[Do you think you could kick Dan Campbell's ass?] Yes. And Mike Vrabel also, I'd throw Mike Vrabel in there at the same time... I just can tell you, if you pull 10 wrestlers, they're gonna tell you, take the best wrestler over the best boxer. So it's debatable, but us wrestlers stick together.

Chinese food is the unquestioned number one overall pick for leftovers

The first pick is the easiest pick in the entire history of Mount Rushmore, Chinese food. Number one, simple. It's so good. Just eat it cold, like some lo mein... beef and broccoli.

A half-drank blue Gatorade in the fridge is the perfect hangover leftover

Blue Gatorade in the fridge that you didn't finish next. Really good one. You wake up, you're thirsty as hell. You might be hungover and you see that partially [drunk]... sometimes that's the perfect amount of Gatorade to drink.

Al Michaels does not have a 'Thursday night voice'

I don't think he brings too much gravitas to Thursday night. Well, he doesn't have a Thursday night voice, especially... He's got a Sunday night or a Monday night voice. He does not have a Thursday night voice. There are certain people that have Thursday night voices out there. Al Michaels, no. I do not want to hear him on a week... I don't want to have to go to work for a full another day before the weekend when I hear Al Michaels' voice.

Everyone has the primal potential to be a self-made king through nine ancestral tenets

Everybody's born with the same primal potential to be a self fucking made king. Right? And so this is what this is. My job is, is to turn everybody into a fucking king, these nine ancestral tents that I model, teaching and preaching... sleep, eat, move, shield, connect, cold, sun, fight and bond.

I would eat a human liver if animal sources were unavailable

I got no problem taking a liver from a human. Well... if I needed to, I would. I would've no reservation of eating... When I can't get liver from something else... if all the animals have been hunted... and I need my liver, I got no problem taking a liver from a human.

Calling another man 'buddy' or 'pal' is the ultimate subtle emasculation

Calling someone buddy or pal... buddying them. Total emasculation. And you just drop the pal or the buddy's like, okay buddy. That's just the worst. And it's very like, you can't really get mad because it is subtle enough. But dropping a buddy or a pal like Steven Cheah does it. And it drives me absolutely insane.

Helping a man off a boat is a major act of emasculation

Helping a man off a boat. Yes. Big time. If, if you're as a man taking another man's hand to step off the boat because you can't get to where that man is without him helping you. Brutal. That's super [emasculating] and it's, and it it's like, it really only happens in boats.

Telling a man 'you're mad' when he's trying to make a point is a top-tier emasculation move

There's nothing more irritating actually than like being told that you're mad about something that you're not. And then your whole little world around you is like, people like, look how mad you are. Look how mad you are when you're not actually mad... Therefore our last pick is telling someone that they're mad. Just be like, you can't control your emotions. You're mad.

Owning a snake as a pet is a definitive pre-crime sign

Our first pick, we're gonna go with owning a snake as a pet. Anyone who owns snakes, fucking pre-crime city. You're just waiting for the snake to just escape in your house and then kill you in your sleep... If you own a snake, I just assume at some point you will commit a crime. It's part of your DNA.

Being a youth women's gymnastics coach without a daughter on the team should be an automatic jail sentence

If you're like a youth women's gymnastics coach and you don't have a daughter, you should automatically go to jail a hundred percent. Like without doubt, fucked up you have to be to be a gymnastics coach in general.

Joe Burrow has an uncoachable 'it' factor that makes players want to go to war with him

We all knew what was in Joe Burrow from the person that he was, the leader that he was, and the player that he was. He just has that, that 'it' that you can't coach when it comes to football in general... he's that type of dude where you wanna go to war with him any day, any week. The person is the reason why you see the player.

Honolulu blue is an electric shade of blue that doesn't get enough credit

Just as an aside, watching the hard knocks with the lions, Honolulu blue doesn't get enough shoutouts for being a great shade of blue. Like it's always Carolina blue. Yeah. Honolulu blue is electric.

MLB should cover up steroid use for players who are great for the game

David Ortiz was like, they, they just shouldn't suspend him because he's so good at baseball. And he is a face of the game... That's actually that's that makes more sense than what his own dad is doing. David Ortiz is right. It's like, if you're awesome at baseball, they should just cover it up.

Sam Hinkie was too unapologetic about tanking and didn't play the media game well enough

Because [Hinkie] didn't play the game with us, we got more mad at him. Yeah. Like he definitely could have done it and done it a different way. Been better with the media been more open pretended he wasn't really doing it even though everybody like teams are tanking, but we don't wanna be told it. It's fucking crazy. Right? And that's why like it to me is a, is a clear relation to how politicians talk to us.

I have zero sympathy for Kevin Durant and Kyrie Irving because they don't play in enough games

Sean Marks is the guy when you, you basically were like, Hey sign Deandre Jordan... You're getting everything you want and then you still want everybody fired... Just play in the fucking basketball games. And maybe things will work out... I have no sympathy for any of those guys. Whenever I see anybody on TV being like, well, you know, they could have done a better job with their buy level exception and I'm like, stop fucking talking. It's about one thing the guys don't play in enough games.

Parallel parking in a manual transmission car should be an Olympic sport

Parallel parking should be an Olympic sport either. You're good. Or your bad... No old school parallel parking. When you get it in one shot, best feeling in the world. Especially when, like, if you're in a big city... Give him a, a manual transmission too. Yeah. Just watch chaos ensue.

Kentucky is definitively a basketball school, regardless of football's success

What John Calipari said is not incorrect. He just shouldn't say it out loud. They are a basketball school. Like you can't change that. This would be saying like if Notre Dame basketball won a national championship, they wouldn't be a basketball school. No offense to the football program, Kentucky. When you think Kentucky, you think basketball, that's just a fact.

Grit is doing what you are supposed to do better than anyone else on the planet

Grit is doing what you're supposed to do when you're supposed to do it the way you're supposed to do it and do it fucking better than anybody else on the planet.

Special teams is the ultimate transitional football play

Special teams is some degree gets a bad rap. It's really the ultimate football play. You take the punt play to me it's the most transitional play in all the football. You have the ball, so you have to protect the punter. And then next thing you transition into a defensive player.

Colorado is my favorite state

I love this state. I think it's my favorite state. It is all in all. It's a great state.