Takes

A gym membership is a terrible gift because it implies the recipient is fat

Number one, a gym membership, because the double double, like whammy of basically saying that you're fat and you need to get in shape. And then like the gift is you just have to go punish yourself at the gym, a gym membership fucking sucks to give someone.

The Statue of Liberty was a bad gift from the French because of high maintenance and war obligations

The statue of Liberty was low key, a pretty shitty thing for the French to do to us. They just made this giant sculpture outta bronze. And it's like, here, you have to clean this every day or else it's gonna turn green and it's a big fucking woman and you ha it's so big that you have to find an island to put it on and oh yeah. It's also gonna make, you have to fight on our side in every war that happens from now until the end of eternity.

Russell Wilson is reaching 'turn on tweet notifications' territory because of how corny he is

I was thinking about that yesterday. [Russell Wilson] is dangerously close to crossing into turn on tweet notifications territory. Because like, you never know what you're gonna get with [Russell Wilson] and it's going to be extremely corny, but extremely funny.

The Bengals' white helmets will make them faster on offense but a liability on special teams

I think that the Bengals white helmets, it makes them faster on offense. They'll score... but special teams will be liability, kick coverage, especially, and kickoff returns. I don't see that working out well.

Tiramisu is a bottom-tier dessert

I'm the man who will eat every dessert in the world. Tiramisu is bottom tier dessert. It's all fancy... It's the texture that I don't like. I don't like the texture of tiramisu... Tiramisu is coffee flavor. Just drink the coffee. It's way better.

MLB players should wear their own team jerseys during the All-Star Game

My second take is... the jerseys. I do think it's bullshit. They should wear their own jerseys in the all star game. I don't like these... Everyone's wearing the same color. The cool part of it is like one side wears all road and one side wears all home. That's cool. You get to see all of the jerseys on the field at once.

The MLB All-Star Game should still decide home-field advantage in the World Series

My second take is... now this one's gonna get hated on, but I kind of sort of wish the all star game still decided home field advantage in the world series. I like it. It was one of those rules that was objectively unfair... but it still was kind of fun.

The Home Run Derby should return to the 10-outs format instead of using a clock

My third old man take is I wish the homerun Derby went back to 10 outs. Because they took the simplest thing in sports, which is big man, standup plate, mashed dogs. And we not... the most simple part is we get to watch dogs. Yeah. We get to watch the dingers land... Now, it's just chaos. There's three balls in the air at the same time. It's hard to keep up with.

The MLB Home Run Derby was rigged for Albert Pujols

MLB homerun, Derby rigged. Big time. One of Albert Pujols' home runs should not have counted. He also, his pitcher had not even started his wind up when the clock hit zero and then Schwarber may or may not have had dinger taken off the board because they couldn't keep track of all the balls in the air.

Climbing Mount Everest is now effectively 'glamping'

Everest is also kind of glamping nowadays. No, I mean, but that actually makes it worse for him because Everest is not even cool anymore. Everyone climbs Everest. I remember when Everest was like, oh, don't climb Everest. You'll fucking die. Now everyone fucking climbs Everest. There's like huge lines. Yep.

Zach Wilson's alleged off-field drama gives him a 'coolness' he lacked as a rookie

So it's, it's good because it, it, it gives him some CRA some coolness. ... I like him. Even if, even if he was a Virgin, I would like him. I just want him to, I just want him to play well, man. ... Especially now that I heard about the quarterback.

Rory McIlroy did not deserve to win the 2022 Open Championship

If you're Rory and you're leading the Open and in the back nine, you only have one birdie... He didn't necessarily choke, but he didn't, he didn't deserve to win. Like he didn't, he didn't play the back nine like a champion.

LeBron James only played in the Drew League because he wants to be like Kobe Bryant

The Kobe one was awesome when he hit that game winner and everyone just mobbed him and LeBron just wants to be Kobe. So that's why he [played in the Drew League].

IndyCar has a better pool of drivers than Formula 1 because of car parity

I would say the best series of drivers, in my opinion, and this might get me in trouble, is IndyCar. Because there's 24 guys who race every week and all 24 of them could win... Where in Formula 1, it really is contingent upon what car you're in.

The story about Zach Wilson sleeping with his mother's friend is a lie

The reason why it was never clarified is because it's a lie. It was said by a [Sod] lover... They just threw out that slander. Homey hopper. Exactly. I think that Zach is an outstanding man on and off the field.

Putting a monster bet on a primetime game kicks it up a notch

It is going to be putting a monster bet on like a prime time or big game when you're like, all right, Sunday night football. Let's go fucking all in here... That feeling, that rush you have where you're like, this is gonna be awesome.

The smart play on the 17th hole at St. Andrews is to aim for the 18th tee

On the 17th hole. You actually wanna miss it left of the green. The play is you actually hit it on 18 tee and it's a pretty easy chip shot. So again, not super simple when there's people standing over there. But if you were playing for a score, like playing on an open today, you wanna bail it out left and you give yourself a pretty easy check.

Rory McIlroy is the favorite to win because he truly understands and values golf history

I love Rory this week because I think that Rory's played well lately. And Rory is the kind of guy that actually cares about sports history. Unlike so many athletes, I mean, he dives into this stuff. He eats it up. He knows what it means to win at certain places. So, you know, for people that aren't big golf fans winning at St. Andrews, I'd say is probably the biggest accomplishment in golf outside, even of winning the masters.

Crown Prince Muhammad bin Salman is the most annoying guy in golf for ruining the game

One crown prince Muhammad bin Salman. He's an annoying golf [guy]. He is annoying. He's taken. He's just ruined the game of golf for everybody. Really. He's probably the most annoying golf guy. And if he hears me say this, he probably saw my arms off. Yes.

I genetically cannot get a six-pack

I'll also never promise a six pack during the summer ever again. I am [getting there] but no. I don't think you genetically can get a six pack. Absolutely. I'm kidding. It's not everyone can get one. No, I am. I'm on the road there.

Albert Pujols shouldn't be in the All-Star game because he 'fucking sucks'

People getting mad about Albert Pujols being in the home run Derby, which is a crock of shit. But I'm also at the point in my life where I, cause he fucking sucks. He can't even walk. He shouldn't be in the all-stars. He made the all star game... and Albert Pujols is taking a spot away from someone who could [hit home runs].

People want to tear down Adam Schefter's legacy because they hate winning

The other thing is always in life when someone has success and when someone wins, people want to tear him down. He's making reportedly $9 million a year. He gets every scoop. He has every contact. People hate that people hate winning. They want to tear down winners. They want to tear down Adam Schefter's legacy.

The rumors about Zach Wilson's personal life confirm he has 'that dog in him'

I think confirmed got that dog in him. He is a dog... If it's the truth, two consenting adults, what's the problem? I think this actually will get Zach Wilson more respect in the locker room.

Aaron Rodgers' new tattoo was designed specifically to impress Joe Rogan

It's a tattoo that was designed to impress Joe Rogan. Very clearly some sort of... It's a tattoo that he wants you to be like, what is that about? And then you have to strap in for three hours because he's going to tell you open your mind, open your heart tattoo.

LeBron James and Steph Curry would beat Michael Jordan and Magic Johnson in a 2v2 because of the three-point shot

I think Steph Curry, he doesn't let LeBron touch the ball except to rebound. And then Steph, if he hits 40% of his threes, two is 50%... 100% more than one. I think mathematically they would dominate that game.

People who wear SPF 50 sunscreen should just stay inside

I judge you if your SPF is 35 or plus... I want to put it on 50. I'm just immediately like, dude, just go inside. There's no reason to be outside. If you really can't handle this, just say you're not that guy pal. That's what I say to anyone who puts on 50.

This D&D episode is the greatest podcasting ever done

It is maybe the greatest podcasting ever done. And I'm just going to say it, podcasting ever done. I think I'd say that if Game of Thrones creators had had a last season that was half as good as this, then everyone would have critical acclaim of it.

Nick Turani is the biggest nerd in the Barstool office

And we have added the biggest nerd in the office in Nick Turani. It's fair to say here. Hot seat Jake. Yeah.

Joey Chestnut is the greatest athlete of all time

Joey Chestnut is the greatest American that has ever lived. One of the greatest athletes of all time. And I think we can confidently say that he is the greatest eater, the greatest human eater of all time... He is the greatest athlete of all time, in my opinion.

I would be the best in the world at any profession I chose to obsess over

I believe whatever I did, I would be the best at, just because I only want to be the best... I wanted to be at one point in my life thinking I wanted to be, you know, I'm a Navy pilot. I mean, I would have been the best because I would have been so obsessed with it. I wanted to be, you know, a crime fighter. I mean, I put every bad guy in jail because I'd be the best.

Pac-Man is the greatest arcade game of all time

The game of the century announced on the Tokyo game show in 1999? And that would be the one that I would have to choose. Pac-Man. Pac-Man was also the first game inducted into the video game hall of fame.

Adding USC and UCLA to the Big 10 is a more natural fit than Rutgers and Maryland

What made more sense? Like from a traditional standpoint, adding Rutgers and Maryland or USC and UCLA? Like this actually is more of a natural fit than Rutgers and Maryland were.

The Cowboys might need a coaching change

It's been a love-hate relationship, but they've got all the talent in the world... I might need, might need a coaching change. I don't know. I mean, I don't know fully... but there might need to be a little bit of a switch up.

Hook is a top 50 movie of all time

I seriously think that. I think that movie ['Hook'] is a top 50 movie all time. That movie fucking rocks... I did a list. I think it comes in around the forties, but it's a top 50 movie of all time.

Wednesday is the worst night of the week for an adult to get drunk

I learned when I was like 34 years old to never, ever drink on a Wednesday. Wednesday is the worst night of the week to get drunk on by far... Thursday is a wash, Friday you're stricken with panic. You can't even enjoy your Friday cause you're trying to catch up on everything that you missed on Thursday.

Monday is the worst night of the week to drink

Doing anything bad to your body on a Monday is just like a killer way to start off a week. Like it will just completely bare... I still think Monday would be the worst. I think if you start, if you really drunk on Monday night, your whole week is fucked. You're just fucked.

The NHL beat writer who celebrated with the Stanley Cup should be fired for a lack of integrity

There was a Colorado Avalanche beat writer that picked up the Stanley Cup and celebrated with the team and called it one of the best nights of his life. And frankly he should be executed. Yeah. Send him to the LIV tour. They should chop his head off. That's not what journalism is supposed to be in America. It's supposed to be fearless truth tellers, impartial scribes.

Neon is officially back this summer

I feel like this summer neon is back. The eighties are coming back. Like for real, it's going to be crazy... I do think that this is the summer where everyone's like, man, finally COVID is over. We're going to do neon now. And look, it's been enough time where you can look at us. Neon looks good if you have a tan, it just does.

Light beer is the only thing the United States specializes in making better than other countries

Light beer. America was like, you know what? Beer is good. I wish there was slightly less taste that you could drink 10 times as many them... Light beer is the only, like, I don't know any other country that specializes in making light beer. There's really none. Every, every other is like, we'd like more flavor us. We're like, no, we just want to get drunker.

American arrogance is just a statement of fact because we are the best

Just arrogance is American. Well, we're the best. Is it arrogance? If you just know that you're the best or is it a statement of fact? Yeah. It's actually being humble because we don't say how good we are all the time when we could. Yeah. Winning. Winning is American.

The Stanley Cup lifting ceremony is a top-three sports tradition

When you see that, no matter who you root for, it's a great ceremony. Like you're seeing the person lift the cup for the first time, the team captain, or like a long time veteran on that team finally get their Stanley cup. It's awesome. That's like a top three sports [ceremony].

Cale Makar has a chance to be one of the greatest defensemen ever

Cale Makar... who we talked to Whitney about it, like one of the, he has a chance to be one of the greatest defenseman ever in terms of where he's at his career right now in the talent level.

A sports dynasty requires winning three championships in five years

What's it? Dynasty? Three, three and [five]. I agree. Seems right to me. Yeah.

A bitter rival winning a championship the year after you erases your own title

I think that if you're bitter rival wins a championship the year after you do it, almost erases your [shine]. Clearly because you don't get, you have zero time to gloat over it. None. No. It's like it's never happened.

Wayne Gretzky's dominance over his peers will never be seen again

Just given how much he was better than his peers at that time. I don't think that we're ever going to see anything like it. I think Lemieux was close... Wayne was like three times as good. Maybe four times as good as some guys... The sheer dominance and the amount of points that somebody could produce and comparable to the better overall competition, it's just going to be very diff Wayne was just so much more ahead of his time.

Your dependency on coffee becomes absolute after age 30

Your dependency on coffee after you turn the age of 30... You're thinking you're taking on more responsibilities, whether it's with work, whether it's the fact that you have a family, you know, if you have kids, you gotta be cranking at least four or five cups a day, even to just get your fucking day started.

Hangovers become two-to-three day events after you turn 35

Overall, dude, I cannot, cannot go out if I have something to do the next day... if I'm up till two in the morning drinking, I'm actually done for like two to three days. Oh... Monday, you're a terrible Tuesday. It creeps in and then Wednesday, you're not hung over. You just don't feel right.

Watching athletes who are younger than you is demoralizing

When you get past your thirties, something that really sucks is all the athletes you're watching are younger than you. And being like, like you start calling athletes, kid, and like, shit like that, where you're like, oh, okay. Like Luca Doncic is like 13 years younger than me. Like that shit just like, kind of fucks you up.

Your sex drive takes a significant hit after 30

I think this is the obvious one sex drive. After the age of the guy. You don't want to hump. I'm not. I feel like just wearing like new balances... I just, I dunno, I just like, I'd rather just fucking not do it.

Using subtitles and needing the volume lower becomes mandatory in your 30s

I watch everything in subtitles now... I had to ask the DJ to turn the music down a little bit because I couldn't hear people talk. Cause like I was trying to have a conversation. I was like, this is just too loud. So just the sound and like subtitles, like all that shit changes.