Takes

Teams that can't get an inch on a QB sneak don't deserve to win

When I'm talking about, you know, this much [an inch], you have to be able to get, or you really, probably don't deserve to win the football game.

The 2009 Big 12 Championship game was a 'screw job' to get Texas in the National Championship

The time ran out... they wanted Texas to go to the national championship game. Let's let's face it... the game was over.

Mito Pereira's PGA meltdown wasn't as bad as Jean van de Velde's in 1999

He does have the fact that it's not the worst 18th hole meltdown of the history of the majors that will forever be [Jean] van de Velde, the French guy that ended up taking off his socks. I wish that Mito had tried to do that.

Modern sports fans care more about a championship 'window' than actually winning titles

It's almost sports has become almost about the window than winning the title. We should just change to be like fans of windows. If the bills don't win a Super Bowl with Josh Allen, we'll be like, but they had the window.

Coach K is the worst NBA coach to never have coached in the NBA

Coach K would be a worst head coach than Calipari was when he was head coach. He's the worst NBA coach to never have coached in the NBA.

Tom Izzo is officially overrated

The take that I've probably been wrong about, Tom Izzo being overrated. I wanted to be the first person to say that Tom Izzo is overrated. So I think I accomplished that. And then I've been waiting that out. It's starting to look more and more like it's correct adjacent.

European NBA players should be allowed to drink beer during games instead of Gatorade

My problem is not with the beer. I think if you're from Eastern Europe, you should be able to drink a beer, like instead of Gatorade during the game. And that would be fine.

The six-second limit on Vine forced creativity in a way longer formats don't

I miss Vine, man... just that parameter, like kind of forces you to do stuff that you normally wouldn't try because you're restricted. You producers produce content that had to have a beginning, a middle and an end and be engaging and entertaining within a six second time period was actually good for creativity.

East Coast people have a better bullshit detector than people in Los Angeles

I think I have a pretty good read on, I mean, being from the East Coast, like you can kind of call bullshit, I think better than most people can. So like, my whole thing is like out here, like you bump into someone and you're like, 'Hey, fuck you.' Then it's over. Like LA you bump into someone and then they fucking email you a list of reasons why they need to understand why.

Chris Paul might not care as much about winning as his die-hard fans do

I've been seeing this guy [Chris Paul] and it's, I mean, this is long-term and you know, like in every relationship there's always somebody, the relationship seems to matter a lot more to... It's getting to the point where like, I don't want to say, like, I'm not, I'm not trying to be a victim in this, but like, you can care about somebody for so long. And then you wonder, I don't think this person could care as much as I do.

The 'no phone case' lifestyle is a gamble that makes every day more thrilling

A lot of people would be like, 'oh, you don't have a case because you have money.' I wrote that blog in like 2013 when I had just, I was smashing phones left and right. And it costs me a lot of money. I so I've been no case for a very long time. It is not a money thing. It's just a thrill thing. It's a gamble. Every day when you wake up knowing this could be the last day of your phone.

It is bullshit that NBA players are still missing playoff games for COVID in 2022

I think it's bullshit that anyone should be out for COVID. It's like, it should be like the NFL playoffs where COVID just didn't exist. If you think that like COVID in the spring of 2022 should be deciding playoffs series, you're crazy. Like that's bullshit.

Michael Jordan is not the greatest of all time because you can only be the greatest of a decade

Michael Jordan is not the greatest of all time. It's the same reason Michael says he's not the greatest of all time because he didn't get to play against the other greats of all time. You can be the greatest of that decade. So in the nineties... Michael Jordan was the best period. But then before that it was magic and bird. And before that it was Dr. J.

Isaiah Thomas is a better player than Steph Curry and people only rank Curry higher because Isaiah is short

The greatest player I've ever played with is Isaiah Thomas. And I have played with Michael. I have played with Kobe and Shaq, but the greatest player was Isaiah Thomas... He's six foot. And he did everything everybody else was doing. And in the same amount of time that Steph Curry was playing, Isaiah had better stats, but no one wants to mention it.

Danny Woodhead is better at golf than Tony Romo

My guy Danny Woodhead... He is very close to qualifying for the U.S. Open in golf. ... He's better than Tony Romo at golf.

In-N-Out burger is so overhyped

But you go in the conversation as best tasting burger. We're not talking about all the bells and whistles of everything else. And I think that's what In-N-Out does... Great service, great experience, the ingredients yes, very quality. But again, we're talking about a great taste. We're talking about the best tasting burger out there and to me In-N-Out is so over-hyped.

It is not a veteran's job to mentor their replacement

It's not Ryan [Tannehill's] job to mentor the young guy. Like he takes on the young guys. It's definitely a young guy's job they're like pick, get as much from the vet as you fucking can... You never think I'm going to go out of my way and do like, this is in my job responsibility or my job description to mentor somebody else to teach you.

Derrick Henry's long legs are detrimental in short yardage

I had this theory that Derrick Henry has super long legs for his height. ... I feel like it's actually detrimental in short yardage between the tackles, because people can wrap up his legs more. ... every time he like does well in short yardage, it's like in a sweep or he's bouncing out of the tackles.

It would be better for the future of the Mavericks if they lose Game 7 to the Suns

I'll take it one step further. How's this for take, it would actually be better for the future of the Dallas Mavericks. If they lose this game. ... if they had gotten blown out in the second round, then I feel like mark Cuban would kind of like have to go nuclear and try to put something good together and get like an awesome player to team up with Luca to take that next step.

There might be as few as one intelligent civilization per galaxy

I think there's a good argument that there might be a very few of those. And actually there's a reasonable argument we might assume there's about one per galaxy on average, any one time, which means that we're it.

Skip Bayless definitely has burner accounts on Twitter

This is proof. Skip Bayless has burners. I've got a mission now for the next three weeks, which would be to find, skip Bayless's burners and see what the takes that he puts out on the burn. The ones that like, he doesn't think are ready for prime time yet the ones that he's testing out.

Al Horford is Batman and Jason Tatum is Robin

[Al Horford]'s Batman. Jason Tatum's Robin, Jaylen Brown the Joker.

Tom Brady's Fox broadcast will be better than Peyton Manning's because he'll have a better staff

I think that that Peyton Manning as an individual is going to be better than Tom Brady. But Tom Brady is going to have a much better staff around him. And so on a whole, his broadcast will be much, much better known as a dynasty.

The iPod is the greatest Apple product ever invented

I was talking shit about Apple products last week. This is probably the greatest Apple product ever invented, but they announced today that they're discontinuing the iPod.

Andrew Luck was never an elite quarterback because he ordered chicken at a steakhouse

Andrew Luck because I think you guys told me this, that when you went to the steakhouse St. Elmo's Steakhouse in Indianapolis, he doesn't eat steak, eats chicken. Correct. And that's how you knew he was not going to be an elite quarterback.

The word 'pal' is the most disrespectful thing you can call someone

I'd rather get slapped in the face. I'd rather get some, somebody spit in my face too. And then pal me. It's like... basically giving me a hug opposed to what's up pal. Can you pass a salt? Okay pal. You're just like, no problem pal. Ruins dinner.

Cale Makar is currently the best player in the NHL

Right now Cale Makar is the best player in the league. He is a fucking treat to watch every single game. He's doing things that I've never seen before really done. Like he's the McDavid of defensemen.

America needs night golf with floodlights on 18-hole courses

Why in America do we not have night golf? ... you can get a short, you know, a four or 5,000 yard, 18 hole course. So they're all short par fours or par threes and play golf at night. Tee off at 10 o'clock with your buddies.

Rich Strike should be retired immediately following the Kentucky Derby win

If I was Rich Strike's owner right now, you just gotta retire this horse. You gotta be like, I'm going out on top. It should just be put out to stud for the rest of its career. Never let it raise again because you're never going to reach—Rich Strike is not going to become the new Secretariat.

Rich Strike's 80-1 win saves the sport of horse racing

Wouldn't it be perfect if you have an 80 to one a shot that like everyone's going to look at and be like $30,000, we could have bought this horse. I guarantee everyone was saying that after. I think they're gonna, if there is something wrong here, they're just going to sweep it under the rug because it's the greatest story ever. So it's going to save horse racing this year.

Chris Paul is the best player in the NBA who also sucks

Chris Paul, we, yeah, we did determine like, we all agree. He's awesome. But at the same time he sucks. And those are my favorite players. Like he is the best player in the NBA who also sucks ass.

It is not Ryan Tannehill's job to mentor Malik Willis

I've got a couple of things to say about this first thing, is it he's right. It's not his job to like teach another man how to take your job. I don't think there's a workplace in America where that's your expectation to train somebody to make you unemployed.

Winning tournaments when no one is watching is my MO

I fly way, way, way under the radar. I'm glad this tournament didn't sound like a video game... I saw the Derby yesterday. Everyone's very, very focused on other things other than the golf. And that's, I feel like when I'm the most, most powerful.

Canelo picking me up during the fight was a sign of fatigue and nerves

I just thought, oh, he's a little bit nervous. And he wants to show me how he's strong, but it wasn't good for him because I see he's a little bit tired. And he lost his part. He waste his power on this moment.

Chris Paul is confirmed 'good' at basketball, but he's not 'great' yet

Chris Paul has always been good. In fact, the word good is the perfect word. That's a good word to describe Chris Paul. He's good... He's not great yet. But I mean, he looks unstoppable.

Luka Doncic's lack of conditioning is actually a good sign for Mavericks fans

It's actually a great lesson in life of why you should always stay a little bit overweight because you can always say I haven't peaked. I can still reach my level of best shape of my life. And when I do, y'all better watch out. And that's what Luka can do.

The NBA should judge flagrant fouls by whether the play would start a fight in a pickup game

I basically judge flagrant fouls. Would this foul start a fight in a pickup basketball game? That one [Dillon Brooks on Gary Payton II] would have started a fight instantly. Instantly. Not everyone who's played pickup basketball knows there's a difference.

Ja Morant hovers in the air and time moves slower when he's around the basket

Ja Morant, I like, he just hovers. I don't understand it. He doesn't, he jumps up and he just doesn't come down. He does like six moves in the air. Time moves slower when he's in there. It's almost like they've already planned out the four things they're going to do in the air before they actually put the ball up.

LeBron James is living the college sorority life he never got on social media

I love LeBron James on social media, man. He's basically living the college sorority life that he never got to because he went straight to the NBA. Between his emoji game and then the egregious amount of Instagram stories that he puts up. This guy is no different than like a 22-year-old.

Losing a triple-overtime game at home is the worst feeling in sports

There's no worse feeling than having committing six hours of your time into a hockey game and coming away with absolutely nothing. It sucks the soul right out of you. And it was against the backup goalie too.

Getting hit in the nuts is worse than childbirth

Women don't realize that childbirth is not that hard when you've gotten hit in the nuts. Your balls feel like they're going to explode and your stomach feels like it's going to cave inside of itself. It's like having all of your periods at once.

I would much rather lose a game playing like absolute dogshit than lose while playing well

Spin zone is I would much rather lose a game where you play like absolute dog [and] play worse than lose a game where you're playing really well and the other team just beat you. Like the Celtics played so bad. Jaylen Brown was so bad. Jason Tatum didn't play well, no one was playing well.

Giannis Antetokounmpo is indisputably the best player in the NBA

I wonder, I think that we've all decided that Giannis is the best player in the NBA right now. Like, I don't know if that's a debate anymore. I think that's just because Giannis is too nice. If he was meaner, I don't think it would be a debate. ... [Giannis] has the killer gene. He's just will also kill you and then say a dad joke afterwards.

Robotic umpires are less accurate than human umpires

The biggest problem with this K-Zone system is it's not exactly accurate. ... They grade the umpires on a machine for home plate every game. ... We didn't have a single umpire—not one umpire—that scored under 95%. ... They already know [the robotic computer] misses 7% of the pitches. We don't have an umpire missing five.

Getting drafted in Las Vegas is the greatest thing that could happen to a prospect

Could you imagine being drafted in Las Vegas, making generational wealth, like the biggest night of your life, and then you get to go party in Las Vegas? ... Getting drafted in Vegas has gotta be the greatest thing in the world.

The Houston Texans are morons for their draft strategy

It's very funny to me that everyone's spent a year over a year projecting the entire draft and they screwed it up because they forgot that the Houston Texans are morons.

The Steelers are a top-five landing spot for any rookie quarterback

If you're a quarterback and you list where you could go, the Steelers have to be top five just because... they know what they are. Consistency, head coaching, front [office]... as a quarterback, it's gotta be a dream to go to the Steelers.

Lionel Messi is a better and more magical soccer player than Cristiano Ronaldo

I respect the amount of work that Ronaldo puts in... he's top notch pro. But Messi, I mean, what the guy has done on the field, it's magic. You don't see that in a player. And I don't know when, and if we will ever see a player that is quite like Messi again.

Michelle Akers is the greatest women's soccer player of all time

All time goats... I would say probably Michelle Akers. Yeah. She just—talk about somebody that would run through a brick wall, play on one leg if she had to, she scored in some of the biggest moments. She was definitely somebody I looked up to.

Small dogs like poodles and Australian Shepherds are terrible domestic house dogs

Little dogs are the worst. All these people, they get these little Australian Shepherds that are not good domestic dogs. They are shepherds. And then they get poodles too and different little poodle mixes and they're hunting dogs and they have them running around as though they're like supposed to be nice house dogs, but they are literal hunting dogs.