Takes

Coach K is not as good a head coach as Roy Williams

I think that Coach K is not as good a head coach as coach Williams has interesting. I think if you look at what Coach K's tenure at Duke... While Roy Williams has been at UNC by any measurement. You can say that Roy Williams has been more successful.

Tom Izzo is overrated because he hasn't won a title since 2000

Tom Izzo is overrated. That's because he's other... He just hasn't won the big one. This is coasting. He's coasting.

Mike Francesa definitely farted on air

This is well. There's a two parts that he definitely farted. Number one. That's not a question. He then also in like the last play he had he farted on Tuesday and announced his retirement on Wednesday. That's how quickly it happens.

If you are threatening to fight someone on Twitter, you must give your home address, not the team facility

My problem with what [Jermaine Whitehead] did. Not that he threatened people... My problem is he said meet me at this address and then gave the facility address. If you tell someone to meet you somewhere. It has to be your house, right? Man up.

Kirk Cousins is the quarterback you'd least want in the fourth quarter

If you had to ask yourself starting quarterbacks, who is the guy that you would at least want to have the ball in the fourth quarter to bring a team back to win? I actually think it's Kirk Cousins... He had the ball twice at the end of the game [against the Chiefs], three and out, three and out, and not even close.

Matt Nagy needs to stop calling plays for the Bears

Matt Nagy needs to stop calling football games. He needs to hand over the play calling. It's not for him. It's not working. I like everything is broken. It's not working to do the same thing week in week out is fucking insane.

Russell Wilson is the #1 quarterback you want in a 4th-quarter comeback

I think Russell Wilson is number one now in the NFL. He is the guy who, if you're down in the fourth, you want him to have the ball... He had five touchdowns today. I think that was his fifth comeback fourth-quarter comeback this season.

The Nate Diaz vs. Jorge Masvidal fight was stopped too early

They called the fucking fight early... Nate Diaz is the type of guy that I actually like his chances the more he gets the shit kicked out of him in the first three rounds. It wakes him up a little bit. The little nerdy doctor was like, 'No, this guy can't fight,' where Nate Diaz was like, 'No, I have not yet begun to fight.'

Max Scherzer is the pitcher of the decade over Clayton Kershaw

Does this mean that Max Scherzer is the picture of the decade? ... everyone says Clayton Kershaw is the picture of the decade now Max Scherzer has a World Series. He has just click resize Young's his 3 Cy Young's... I would say picture of the decade Max Scherzer.

The World Series trophy is the worst of the four major sports trophies

Where does World Series trophy Sam Smith? Yes agreed. It sucks. Something's going to break a tiny pieces of chicken meat on it's awful... It looks like the World Series trophy was built just to break it.

Joel Embiid is the most beloved athlete in a city that hasn't won a title

I joined them bead. I threw this out there earlier. But like is there a city that loves a player more than Joel embiid is loved in Philly. ... he is Philly at this point... other than just being wildly out of shape every spring and them not being get out of second round. I don't think you can do know he can do any wrong in Philadelphia.

I would root for Vermont over Syracuse if they played in the tournament

I didn't grow up a Syracuse fan. So but now that you know that now I know people ask me all the time if they play each other in this year's tournament. I would root for Vermont because wow.

Dave Martinez's ejection in Game 6 was a legendary move and good for the team

The hero of the night is Dave Martinez. Trying to fight an Umpire with a bad ticker... he went full fucking aggro rageaholic on the omps and I loved every second of it. That's a manager who you want to play for.

NFL passing stats are currently meaningless because the era makes them so easy to manipulate

NFL passing stats are so funny. Tom Brady and Andy Dalton played in the same era, but because it was even like, you know, ten years ago, you can manipulate the stats through age 32, it's ridiculous. NFL passing stats are so fucking funny to look at whoever comes after this. We'll beat everyone before it.

DeColdest Crawford is the coolest name in the history of college football

The LSU Tigers signed a wide receiver named DeColdest Crawford. Yes. So DeColdest is making his way to Baton Rouge probably the coolest name. If not in the history of college football definitely in the history of Louisiana state.

Kyrie Irving and Kevin Durant's relationship is a Jay and Silent Bob dynamic

I kind of like that Dynamic though. It's a little Jay and Silent Bob ish, right? So you've got Kyrie that never says anything and then you got Kevin Durant that just says everything, right? Yeah, I'm fine with that. Yeah. This is sounds like it's going to be a good buddy cop type thing.

We should use truth serum to find out if Steven Avery and Brendan Dassey are guilty

You just look at the [Steven Avery] case... just give them truth serum and will fucking find out in two seconds if they were murder... There is sodium pentothal. Sodium Pentothal, yeah. Yes methamphetamine. Okay a combination. Yeah combination and a cigarette... and you can find out where the bodies are. Did they really do it?

I could fight my way out of this room right now and beat everyone up

[Big Cat]: Could you fight your way out of this room right now? [Dog]: Oh, yeah all of us on you - well you think David would be there too. [Big Cat]: So he take David out. He's he goes out of the room and he's like dog they're going to fight for their life to keep you in this room. [Dog]: Well you get out. When do you get an a gang like that? And you get somebody jumps you you take one of them and It could don't quit beatin him and you just because you're going to you're getting it from the side in the back of you is keep hitting the one right there.

I would take over and coach US Soccer

I will take over US Soccer. I would be the coach of US Soccer... You automatically get to drive an Audi. That's part of the deal... I would like that.

Andy Reid doesn't understand how time works

[Andy Reid] has been one of the best coaches of all time. It's remarkable and his coaching tree all that. He does not know how time works. He doesn't know what a clock is. Like we said, he measures time in units of meat.

Matt Nagy is just an arrogant, cocky version of Marc Trestman

Matt Nagy is just an arrogant cocky Marc Trestman. That's what he is. He's a guy who thinks that he's smarter than he is and has over thought pretty much every big situation... the guy this year, he stinks.

Hiring David Ross to manage the Cubs is a great idea

My stardom is David Ross. When would it ever be a bad idea to hire everyone's best friend to be the manager and boss? That's not going to be bad at all.

I would return to WWE for $20 to $25 million

I think the conversation would have to start at somewhere like, I don't know, 20, 25 [million].

WWE intentionally fired me on my wedding day out of malice

It's impossible to think that it [firing] was anything but done maliciously and on purpose... they didn't ruin my day... I talk to Triple H two days before that and he was like, hey, let's talk. I was like, can I talk after my honeymoon? My wife worked there. She asked for the day off to get married. So the idea that they didn't know that that was the date and I was getting married is impossible.

Matt Nagy is cracking and losing his mind as the Bears head coach

My hot seat is Matt Nagy. He's cracking. He's losing his mind. He had the Bears throwing egg toss in practice. That screams like, 'Hey, I'm just trying to do one of those fun games that you do in training camp,' but it's the middle of the season. And yikes. He also told all the players to stay off Twitter.

Jeremy Pruitt's facemask grab was a 'showboating' move

This is why you want Greg Schiano coaching your team and not Pruitt. My problem was he didn't use it as a teachable moment. He looked away. It was a showboating facemask grab. It was the Patrick Mahomes of grabbing your guy by the facemask. At least make eye contact and teach him something.

A secret Twitter burner is a healthy way for a sports fan to burn off steam

I think this is actually the healthiest way that a sports fan can burn off some steam. He's found a very normal outlet to be an immature sports fan, which is redundant because we all are. So just let him live.

The Chicago Bears are destined to never have a franchise quarterback

The Bears are destined to never have a franchise quarterback. It will never ever happen. It will never happen. The fact that we had DeShaun Watson and Patrick Mahomes in that draft class, it will never happen. It is destined. It is preordained.

Pete Carroll is the number one 'Dap' coach in the NFL

Number one dap coach would be, I think it's Pete Carroll... I don't think he's ever missed when he's like that.

LeBron James only defended China to protect his Space Jam 2 ticket sales

LeBron is so transparent that he only wanted to say nice things about China because he wants to sell his stupid movie Space Jam 2. Space Jam 1 is better.

Only the reigning World Series champions should be allowed to wear pinstripes

Pinstripes have become too prominent in baseball. Nine teams wear pinstripes and it sucks... Only the team that wins the World Series gets pinstripes for the entire next year. You have to beat the man to be the man and get the stripes.

LeBron James' statement on China was so bad he could have claimed it was 'Opposite Day' 10 minutes later

He actually – it was such a bad statement that if he had come back and 10 minutes later been like not or like opposite day, he would have been good. He would have been good if he was like everything I said, that was a joke. I meant the opposite of that.

Perfecting NFL refereeing would destroy 90% of sports conversation

If they ever do get sky judge, if they do ever perfect refereeing in the NFL... Like 90% of our conversations, day-to-day conversations will be gone. Because if you're a sports fan, what are the things that you can blame your team on sucking? ... If you eliminate refs, now everyone's going to have to come to the realization that, hey, maybe my guys aren't my guys.

The Yankees would be an easier World Series matchup for the Nationals than the Astros

I'm rooting for whoever makes it easier for the Nationals. ... That would probably be the Yankees, to be honest. I would rather see the Yankees.

I am done with U.S. Men's Soccer after the loss to Canada

Just when you think it couldn't get worse, we lose to Canada. ... I'm done with the U.S. soccer until they start fucking just doing anything. ... I'm done being embarrassed. I want them to be good.

Hockey is the best sport because it's a 'loner' sport that doesn't get mainstream respect

I enjoy hockey. That's probably my number one. ... I love it because it's also like it's never been the sport in this country. It's rogue. It's sort of outside. There's a loner sort of thing to it. ... It's more like a stand-up comic.

NFL officials are individually better than ever, but overall officiating is worse

I think the officials from top to bottom are better, but the officiating is worse. And, you know, it's been created by replay. It's created by a system that's called 'O to O' Officials to Officials. They now have the replay guy in their ear. They have New York in their ear. It's easier to sit back and think that things are going to be corrected for you.

Jameis Winston is the funniest physical comedian in NFL history

This was, in my mind, the quintessential Jameis Winston performance. He is the funniest person I have ever watched in my entire life when it comes to physical comedy. His body makes no sense. He flails everywhere. He had five interceptions, fumbled on back-to-back plays, lost one of them. He started the game first play pick. Ended the game, last play pick.

The husband starting the magician restaurant is going to go bankrupt

Guess what? You're opening a magician's restaurant and you're putting all your life savings into it and your kids aren't going to college because their dad is going to be opening a magician's restaurant that's probably going to be pretty sweet until you go bankrupt like three months into it.

Atlanta is the saddest sports city on Earth

Atlanta is truly the saddest place on Earth with sports... They gave up 10 runs first inning. I've never seen anything like that... 28 to 3 Super Bowl, which is the biggest collapse maybe in sports history... The Braves won 14 straight division titles and they had one World Series to show for it.

DeAndre Hopkins has the best hands in NFL history

Definitely my boy [DeAndre Hopkins] man. I mean, there ain't nobody in the game—I don't think anybody in history—got better hands than [Hopkins]. He's the only receiver ever done it when he had zero drops in one season, 115 catches. That's pretty crazy.

Minnesota is low-key the saddest sports city in America

[The Twins] have lost, was it 15 straight postseason games? ... All of Minnesota, they're borderline the most cursed sports city of all time. I've said that. They are low-key the saddest sports city when people always go to Cleveland or Buffalo.

The best actors are actually not acting at all

Acting is the absence of acting. It's believing in the truth of the moment you're creating at that time with your heart without thinking.

Hell is a self-imposed condition created by yourself

Hell is what you make it within yourself... So hell is a self-imposed condition... Hell is really something you create yourself.

I don't trust anyone who marries someone they went to college with

First of all, right off the bat, I don't really trust anybody that gets married to somebody that they went to college with.

Penalties occurring after a negated interception should not count

The rule that if you have like a excessive celebration or a, you know, Block in the back or something on an interception that gets negated. It shouldn't count. if the interception is negated everything after that should be allocated.

I would trade a first-round pick for Justin Tucker

Honestly the way the Titans are built where its defense and you don't know which Marcus Mariota you're going to get I would trade a first-round pick for Justin Tucker.

Getting the new iPhone within the first month of release is a brag

I have a take I hate people who get the new iPhone within the first month. It's such a fucking brag... if you get it right away, then you are the new iPhone guy and then you have to keep doing that. Every time everyone knows the person who gets the new iPhone immediately.

Rapping is only 20% of being successful in the music industry

I think personally, rapping is like 20% of it. And it doesn't mean that you don't have the 100% potential and experience and lyrics and, you know, do what you do. But I feel like people forget about the business side.

You have to be at least 80 years old to officially die of 'old age'

I would say you have to be over 80 to die of old age. ... Once you pass 80, you can't expect anyone to be sad about your death. That actually is the nice zone.