Takes

Chris Paul is the worst teammate in the NBA

Chris Paul, worst teammate in the league... It says all of his former teammates. Ryan Hollins and Glen Davis [say it].

The lottery would make significantly more money if they had a one-click app

Can you imagine how much money the lottery would make if they somehow just made an app that you can, with one click, buy lottery tickets? Yes, it would be insane. It would be ridiculous. I would buy so many lottery tickets.

Ugly wins are worth more than pretty close wins

An ugly win is actually worth more than a pretty close win. Because if you can win ugly, that's like a confidence boost. Like, okay, we didn't have our stuff.

LeBron James moved to the Lakers to hide from his critics

Is LeBron James hiding from us? Because here's what happened. At like 12:30, I went to sleep. I missed all of the fourth quarter, missed the free throws... I think that LeBron James has moved out west because he knows... MJ people, we're getting a little older, got to get to sleep. The LeBron stans... they stay up all night... and LeBron knows he will not get criticized... Like, I should have been there hating LeBron when he missed those free throws. Except, father time has taken its hold on me, and I need to go to sleep.

Justin Tucker is worth a second-round pick

Justin Tucker is the one kicker that I think would actually probably be worth a first-round pick... I'll give you a second.

Boban Marjanovic is not of this world

My who's back is Boban... His clips of him playing are, I mean, I remember people talking about him last year, but this year it's like surreal. He's not of this world. It's like he's playing on a seven-foot hoop.

Philip Rivers is the most underrated quarterback of our time

Phil Rivers is probably the most underrated quarterback of our time. He's for sure a Hall of Famer.

You can only play with a back fracture in hockey and football

The only sports that you can play with a small back fracture are hockey and football... Injured is when you have to have surgery that holds you out. You have to play injured [in the NFL]. And more importantly, you have to play well injured.

The Jets did themselves a favor by missing out on Kirk Cousins

If you know anything about Kirk Cousins, you actually did yourself a favor by not getting him because you'd rather suck out loud than be kind of around average for four years.

Only 12 NFL owners actually care about winning championships

I think there are legitimately 12 teams in the National Football League that are legitimately concerned about winning a Super Bowl... I think there are certain owners that are just in there to build equity... and every now and then catch the lightning.

America is sick of Aaron Rodgers winning games in predictable, dramatic fashion

He will win a game late, and he will do it in dramatic fashion, and he will drop dimes and all that. I'm sick of it. I think America is sick of it, to be honest, if I'm just going to speak for America here.

Jason Witten was hired by ESPN solely to mend the relationship between the network and NFL owners

Jason Witten is in place to mend the ESPN-NFL relationship, which makes sense... they put him in there, and it doesn't really matter if he's bad for the audience. It just matters that the rest of the owners and Roger Goodell likes him.

The NFL is effectively becoming seven-on-seven flag football

Tom Brady threw for over 500 yards and lost the Super Bowl... I loved the doomsday defense, the steel curtain... Those guys, they just shut you the fuck down... and it's just all gone. I mean, the fucking guy, Tyreek Hill... runs across the middle of the field... nobody's going to hit him.

Ancestry.com is a data-collection scheme to map the population for future control

That stupid fucking Ancestry.com... These fucking people, you're sending your DNA into the internet? Are you out of your fucking mind? And now they find all they need is 3 million people to do it. They can map out everybody... There's no fucking way they're not talking about it and trying to come up with solutions [for population control].

Elon Musk is likely just a 'beard' or a public-facing prop for more competent tech billionaires like Jeff Bezos

Elon Musk is the idiot. He's a prop... everyone's like, oh, look at this guy. He's a fucking idiot. They can't figure out robots... Meanwhile, Jeff Bezos is creating robots that are going to deliver packages from Amazon and spy on all of us.

Nick Bosa is a quitter for withdrawing from Ohio State before the draft

I'm just saying it's a black stain on the OSU program... I kind of think he's a quitter... if you can't play for an egomaniacal lying psychopath [Urban Meyer], why could you ever play for Dan Snyder?

Nathan Peterman is the Matt Schaub of our generation

Yeah, he's the Matt Schaub of our generation. It's great. I mean, every game is just so much more exciting when Nathan Peterman gets involved because you know what's going to happen. It's just a matter of time.

Rob Gronkowski is the greatest tight end in the history of the game

Did you guys realize that Rob Gronkowski is actually the greatest tight end in the history of the game? Like, he actually is. It's kind of not even a debate.

LeBron James is the new Steve Jobs

LeBron is the new Steve Jobs. From films and TV shows to educational institutions, A&R-ing via his IG... James is using his magnitude to invade industries and redirect the conversation.

Eli Manning is a better quarterback than Peyton Manning

Eli had a great career. Two Super Bowls. Yeah, beat Tom Brady. How did that happen? The better Manning. The better of the two Mannings. Easily, in my estimation. Never lost Super Bowl.

Jimmy Butler's practice takeover in Minnesota was a Jordan-esque move

Jimmy Butler wants to be traded... Jimmy shows up to practice for the first time and basically emasculates the entire organization. He takes the bench players, the third stringers, and beats the first team... I'm a Jimmy Butler skeptic through and through. I'm skeptical of his top 20-ness. But this was a Jordan move.

Jimmy Butler is officially 100% a dickhead and a diva

Let's just, because we're kind of all on Jimmy Butler's side, let's just say Jimmy Butler's for sure a dickhead. Like 100%. Yes, he's 100% a dickhead, a diva... it's clear that he's really feeling himself these days.

A college team would never beat an NFL team

I legitimately think that your 2000 or 2001 team at the University of Miami could have put up a stiff competition against an NFL team. What do you think? [Butch:] No, no chance. I don't think the Alabama, the Miami... even the teams that go 4-12... They are unbelievably physically talented. The size, the speed, you know, the worst players on the team would be superstars on a collegiate team.

Skydiving is scarier than free solo climbing

Skydiving is actually a good example... I found that pretty scary. I wasn't at all scared [climbing]. Skydiving... it's just so fast and frantic and... there's a lot of stimulus... you're like, Oh my God, I'm falling out of a plane. I think that's scary.

Von Miller is so fast that you have to make a 'business decision' to avoid him

Newton's first law is when Von Miller is diving at you, make a business decision. I actually fully buy in on the Al Davis, let's just get all the fastest guys... speed kills.

Giancarlo Stanton is a bum

Giancarlo Stanton, I'm ready to say he's a bum. No pinstripes for you, Giancarlo. If it were an April game between the Miami Marlins and the Atlanta Braves, I'm sure you would have hit a home run in a big spot.

Peyton Manning is not actually funny

Why have we decided that Peyton Manning is funny? Because he's a decent actor for an athlete. Okay, because I'm done with thinking Peyton Manning's funny. It's the same thing every time... SNL where he was throwing the balls at the little kids 15 years ago, and from that point forward, we've been like, that Peyton Manning, he's very funny. But it's not funny.

Modern NFL players don't work as hard as the Drew Brees and Tom Brady generation

The way guys come into this league now, they don't work. They don't understand what hard work is the way guys like that [Brees and Brady] did. So it's getting easier for them.

Teaching your kids to enjoy alcohol responsibly makes you a good father

Real take? I don't give a fuck. This is the most common thing ever... It's actually like teaching your kids how to enjoy alcohol responsibly is probably a really good father. So it's not like a novelty when they get to age 17 and they're just like butt funneling mad dogs.

The clutch gene is a real muscle that can be strengthened

Researchers who study the brains of athletes believe more and more that a so-called clutch gene exists. They've seen enough incremental improvement through brain training that they regarded as a muscle capable of being built and likewise atrophying.

Using a fullback is donating a down to the defense

Look, fullbacks, if I needed a blocking back, I'd bring one of my linemen in. Other than that, I'm in one back all the time with three receivers. I don't need a fullback. [Using a fullback] is donating a down. Don't ever hand to him. He can lead the blocking or whatever. Don't hand off to him.

The NFL has the weakest union and contracts because players don't view themselves as businessmen

I think the big issue with people in the NFL in general is that they don't view themselves and we don't view each other as businessmen. And the NFL doesn't view us like businessmen. I think this is why the NFL has the weakest union and the weakest contracts of all major sports is because of how we're viewed and how we view ourselves.

Thursday Night Football is terrible for players in the trenches

I do not take that back, man. It might feel good in the moment, but that Friday, for the people in the trenches—I can't really talk about the corners and the receivers and the quarterbacks—but for the people in the trenches, everybody hurts the next day, man. 1,000% [advantage for the home team] because you don't get a chance to practice.

The Rose Bowl is the greatest venue in all of sports

The Rose Bowl is the greatest stadium to watch a football game of all time. It is the greatest venue in all of sports.

2019 will be the 'Year of the Core'

We've already decided 2019's year of the core... Year of the core is going to be so lit. 2019, we're going to be sitting on medicine balls and shit or whatever the physio balls. I got a core. I just have a lot of shit on top of the core.

I could convince Kyrie Irving that Australia doesn't exist in five minutes

I'm convinced that I could convince Kyrie Irving that Australia didn't exist if you gave me five to seven minutes in a room with him.

Candy corn is absolutely delicious and should be a year-round candy

Candy corn is absolutely delicious. I think it should be a year-round candy, and I can't wait to eat it for the next month.

The Red Sox would rather play the Yankees than the A's in the playoffs

If you're the Boston Red Sox, I think you would rather play the Yankees... the A's just represent an air of the unknown. Billy Bean doing his weird shit every few years... you just haven't seen these guys with the repetition that you have seen the arms for the New York Yankees.

Matt Barnes is the one who looks bad in the Kobe flinch video

I was questioning Matt Barnes' toughness because I thought Matt Barnes was cool enough to like put the ball directly in Kobe's face. It turns out he was he was the one being a pussy. Why are we shaming Kobe Bryant for not flinching at a ball that was not thrown at his face? So this is actually a Matt Barnes problem. Matt Barnes is not man enough.

NBA Twitter needs to chill out during October

October is football and baseball. Chill out, NBA Twitter. Let us have a fucking month... Enough, NBA Twitter. You get your time. We're going to all pay attention to you... from like February till essentially July. So just chill out.

France is not a golf country

Ryder Cup. What a waste of a tournament. France is not a golf country. I agree. France is not a golf country.

Roger Goodell needs to fix the 4:05 PM kickoff time problem

Sneaking this game in at 4.05 and then all the other games at 4.25, you need to fix this fucking problem because it's the game that gets lost every single week. You just forget it starts. I have missed every single 4.05 kickoff. Ever. It starts right in the witching hour.

The NFL is definitely getting soft with the new rules

[Big Cat]: So do you land on the NFL getting soft, or do you think it's good that they're trying to protect players? [Chris Johnson]: It's definitely getting soft.

Animal crackers are cookies, not crackers

I think they're cookies. They're sweet. They're not savory, they're sweet... they're the worst cookie but the best cracker.

Ryan Fitzpatrick is the best sliding quarterback in the NFL

I'll say this about him. I think [Ryan Fitzpatrick] is the league's best sliding quarterback. He knows exactly when to time his slides to make it just a little appetizing for the defender to throw a shoulder into his head. So sabermetrically, I'm sure he picks up more of those [penalties].

Injured players secretly hope their team loses so their importance is validated

I don't think you'd be human if there wasn't a part of you that was like, I hope that we lose... it's the competitive nature in you. I know you're obviously rooting for your teammates. You want them to win, but there's a part of you that always wants to be part of the winning team.

Brad Stevens is the best X's and O's coach I have ever seen

From an X's and O's standpoint, he's one of the best, if not the best I've ever seen. It's like when you watch... the Celtics games, or if you have watched old Butler games, like after timeout plays, we're getting the bucket every time.

The 2010 Duke team was the best coached team in the tournament, not the most talented

Duke was not the most talented team that we played or had the best players that we played throughout the tournament... But they were the best coached and, like, the most disciplined. They were kind of like us.

Alabama's maroon home uniforms look slow and boring

I've always thought that the Alabama maroon uniforms look kind of slow... Whenever they put on the maroons at home... They just look a little slow. They're a little dull. Just everything about Alabama is a little bit boring. It's a factory. It's industrial.

Dak Prescott is not the problem in Dallas, the scheme is

I don't think [Dak Prescott sucks]... I think their scheme is so bad. I think they do nothing to help them. I think if Sean McVay went and spent two weeks in Dallas, they'd probably score 30 points a week.