Takes

Phil Mickelson has a recessive clutch gene

Phil [Mickelson] has a clutch gene because he's won a championship, but I think he might be the first person with a recessive clutch gene. You know how a redhead? You'll blow the redhead that pops up in your family. He's got the recessive clutch gene because he so often finishes second.

Rory McIlroy's tight shirts and muscle mass are hurting his golf game

I think it's probably the most correct take I've ever heard dude you ever hear of popcorn muscles yeah that's what [Rory McIlroy] has got. And if you think about a golf swing actually wearing a really tight shirt probably has some effect on it right?

Parents name their kids Harper to falsely signal that they are well-read

My first one is Harper. I think a lot of people are naming their kids Harper. The reason this one makes me mad is it's kind of like a fake I'm really into book's name. I read that book that everyone read in high school [To Kill a Mockingbird], and it was a really good book even though that was the last book I read.

Guy Fieri's food is the best food I've ever had

I'm a big Guy Fieri guy, so I feel like I can say this. The food was phenomenal. Best food I've ever had.

Media members and sports figures should physically fight to settle disputes

I think the media and sports figures should actually physically fight. That feels like something that would happen in maybe Argentina where a ref screws up and they're like, 'oh, we're going to kill you.' I'd like to see more accountability.

Bill Russell is better than LeBron James

Hank you actually had speaking of hot takes hank didn't you say bill russell was better than lebron? yeah that's right... I'm not ruling [Russell beating LeBron one-on-one] out by any means.

UConn women's basketball could beat a WNBA team

Could UConn women's basketball beat a WNBA team? Probably. I'm actually serious. I think they could.

Stephen A. Smith would have successfully prosecuted O.J. Simpson

I actually don't disagree with Stephen A. Smith here... Because I actually do think he would have been able to put O.J. Simpson in jail. He is so exhausting as an arguer, as a person, that I think that the jury would have just said, 'you know what, just have Stephen A. Smith stop talking and we'll put [Simpson] in jail.'

The 'Car Stick' is a necessary invention for everyone who drops items between car seats

Simple, simple invention. Everyone needs it. Just a little skinny stick that you can, like, it, like, would go stick up from the side of your car. And when shit gets stuck in between your seats, just grab the stick and it fishes it right out of there.

The MLB All-Star Game is the best All-Star game in sports

I do think the mlb all-star game is by far the best all-star game there is it's not really close.

NFL Blitz is a Mount Rushmore-tier video game

All right, first up, NFL Blitz. No, I played video games a lot more when I was really young, and that was my favorite one.

Madden is the greatest video game franchise ever

I have Madden, the franchise. Just going to take the whole franchise. Fuck it. Mount Rushmore, you get to make your own rules.

GoldenEye 007 and Oregon Trail are top-tier video games

GoldenEye is number one since you didn't take it... Number two, I have Oregon Trail.

Miko Grimes' antisemitic comments can be 'solved' by starting a foundation Twitter account to blame interns

Just start a Twitter account in the foundation's name, the Miko Grimes Foundation account. Then you can say an intern was tweeting and dropping hard J's on everyone's face... when shit hits the fan... boom, intern tweeted it we fired him it's been taken care of.

J.J. Watt is personally responsible for sweatshop conditions in China and polluting the planet via his Reebok shoes

Hey, JJ, you know where Reebok makes their shoes, bro? In China, they pay him like a dollar an hour to make your shoes. They put nets up outside the buildings to prevent people from committing suicide... Nike is going to have to put all the eight year olds back to work, double shift to keep up with all your shoe sales... Hey, JJ, you know about like the plastics and the chemicals they put in those shoes? They're literally polluting the planet, dude.

The week of the MLB All-Star Break is the worst week in sports

We are in the middle of July. We're in the dog days... this is the worst week in sports. It's so bad that Derek Jeter's got bored enough to go and get married.

Brock Lesnar is the scariest human on Earth

The only other takeaway I had [from UFC 200] was is Brock Lesnar, I think, is the number one scariest human on Earth. The fact that he came back after five years and just demolished Mark Hunt... Brock Lesnar, I think, is my number one scariest man on Earth.

Home Run Derby participants always screw up their swings in the second half of the season

My other favorite part about the Home Run Derby is predicting which one of the participants the Home Run Derby is going to screw up their swing in the second half. Whoever wins.

Skyline Chili is actually good and I love it

I love Skyline Chili... Every time, the first time I got called up to the big leagues with the Reds... I had two chili dogs. Skyline Chili has always been a classic for me, man. I can't hate on that. Skyline Chili is the best. They can't give enough cheese, baby.

Portugal was a better soccer team without Cristiano Ronaldo in the Euro 2016 Final

I'm going to go with hurt because he actually made the team better. I think the question has to be asked now, like, was Cristiano Ronaldo actually holding Portugal back? So better team without him. Kind of like the whole Steph Curry situation where the boys, the lads on the pitch just really opened up the game and the spacing was better.

Odd Mom Out is the first show by women for guys

It's on Bravo Monday nights. Odd Mom Out. [Andy Buckley] said that it is the perfect... it's the first show by women for guys.

Golf does not belong in the Olympics

I'll tell you one thing I think is ridiculous is all this Olympics and golf... to me, the Olympics does – it's not golf. If you're a golfer... it just seems silly. You want to win the British Open, you want to win the Masters, you want to win the U.S. Open... nobody cares about the Olympics. It's track and field, it's weight lifting, it's swimming.

Todd Packer is a Mount Rushmore character from The Office

Todd Packer. He's obviously on my mountain. Todd's a guy that would definitely punch some nerds with us because we hate nerds on this show.

Kelly Kapoor is the most underrated character on The Office

I actually am a big Kelly Kapoor guy. I think Kelly Kapoor gets [not] enough credit for being hilarious, especially with her relationship with Ryan. My favorite Kelly Kapoor was when she was like, I'm pregnant, and then they cut to her and she's like [shaking head].

Prison Mike, Date Mike, and Michael Skarn are the three best characters in The Office

I've got Prison Mike as number one. Number two, I've got Date Mike. Nice to meet me. Michael Skarn is my number three.

Jan Levinson became a better and more insane character after her breast augmentation

Fucking Jan was great... I guess [I would take her] post-boob job because she just got even more insane.

Ryan Howard was a better character as a temp than as a corporate executive

I like the temp Ryan Howard to corporate. I didn't like him after he came back.

Any roster move with an 'I'm Coming Home' video makes me ready to run through a brick wall

Any roster move that's ever been made, if you put I'm coming home and you do a little 30-second video on the internet, I'm ready to run through a brick wall.

Peeing in the pool is the most natural thing in the world

My final favorite Mount Rushmore pool activity. This is my number one, actually, peeing in the pool. I've never been in a pool that I haven't peed in. So that's just it's I will sometimes pass going to the bathroom in a bathroom just so I can pee in the pool.

Napping in the sun is a top-tier pool activity

Number three taking a nap. Oh yeah, yeah. Falling asleep in the sun. ... I'm going to just get a big sunburn and let it turn into a tan. ... I'm all natural.

JJ Watt is a hypocrite for telling rookies to read tweets 95 times before sending

JJ Watt probably actually does do that 95 times. And it's 95. It's every single time. He probably does it 99 for his number. ... Hey, J.J., don't be such a hypocrite. ... Maybe practice what you preach.

Russell Wilson is overcompensating about having sex on his wedding night

I don't think that Russell Wilson had sex last night. I don't think he had sex on his wedding night. Who has time to have sex on your wedding night? ... I think Russell Wilson's overcompensating a little bit. Like if you get late on your wedding night, who goes out there the next day and is like, I had sex on my wedding night. That doesn't happen.

I am ground zero for sports stars and the first sports celebrity who wasn't an athlete

I was actually told by a reporter from Sports Illustrated when he interviewed me, he said, you're the first sports star. I mean, what the hell is a sports star? Star for sports. You're the first one. You're the first guy to become a sports celebrity that wasn't an athlete. ... You are ground zero for sports stars.

Marlins Man was only complaining about not getting into the Fort Bragg game, not skipping it out of respect

I asked him, the first thing I asked him before the game was, hey, are you going to Fort Bragg? He said nothing about respecting the military. All he did was complain about how he couldn't get in and how he does so much to promote Sunday night baseball and Major League Baseball. But MLB and the Marlins are being mean and they won't let him in. ... So for him to now suddenly be bashing me for going is just quite frankly bizarre.

Russell Wilson's sex with Ciara on their wedding night will be fast and furious because of his long celibacy

Russell has not had sex in a long time. He's not going to be, how shall we put, he's not going to be gentle with you. He's not going to last long. Silver lining. Spin zone. It's going to be fast. It's going to be furious. It's not going to be fun. Russell is going to be having sex like somebody who can get shot at any time.

Choking to death on a hot dog during a competition would be a hilarious way to die

I actually am OK if I die because I think that would be a hilarious way for me to die. You know what? God, take me, choke a hot dog down my throat, whatever.

Big Cat's best hot dog strategy is to eat 6-7 dogs immediately to secure a legendary screen cap

You need to get out to a hot start, just like shovel six or seven hot dogs in your mouth at the start. And that way you've got the screen cap for the rest of your life that shows like Dan Katz, eight hot dogs, Joey Chestnut, two.

The best life to live would be as a mediocre NBA sixth man

If I had to do it all over again, I would come back as like a sixth man in the NBA. I'd work on that J. I'd get my J. We should have been these guys getting $70 million for being basically mediocre.

Rich people crying in business meetings is seen as passionate, while poor people crying is pathetic

That's what I love about rich guys, okay? If you're rich and you cry, it's awesome. It's like you're very, very passionate. If you're poor and you cry, that's just pathetic. Get your poor, weird tears out of here. If you're rich, that's a guy that cares about life.

Maryland should be the first state removed from the United States

If you could get rid of one state, what would it be? It would probably be Maryland. A lot of bridges, a lot of tolls, a lot of unnecessary stoplights.

The Maryland state flag is terrible and overused

The Maryland flag is also the worst, and they put it on everything. Come on. It hurts my eyes, and I'm big on uniforms. Yeah, it's not good. It's just not one of the elite states.

Tom Brady is the greatest American to ever live

Name the greatest American to ever live. Tom Brady.

Clayton Kershaw loses his man card for getting an epidural

I saw that Clayton Kershaw had an epidural. So I'm going to take his man card. Yeah, chicks get epidurals. Right. I don't even know what – I had to ask you before the show what exactly is an epidural because I thought it was something to do with childbirth, which it is. But I guess Clayton Kershaw – is Clayton Kershaw pregnant?

Madison Bumgarner is a manlier pitcher than Clayton Kershaw because he DHs for himself

His rival, Madison Bumgarner, is DHing for himself. That's actually one of the coolest things I've seen in a while... Madison Bumgarner now is not only a man, but he has Clayton Kershaw's manhood as well. I just transferred the man card.

I would eat cooked human flesh for $10 million

[PFT asks about eating human flesh for $10 million] I could do it. I would do it in a country where it wasn't illegal... It would be like we get a scientific permit to do it.

Johnny Manziel's NFL suspension is a PR victory because it keeps him relevant

He got suspended by the NFL for four games. And you know what? That's a great thing for him to have happen because Johnny Manziel, for the first time in a few months, is being talked about in the same sentence as the NFL... It's all good news when the NFL is suspending you because that means you still have a little bit of relevancy.

To win over a girl on a first date, be as dumb and awful as possible

Spin Zone, girls love a challenge. So if you're going on a first date, try to fuck up and be as dumb and awful as you can be. Because then they're going to say, whoa, look at this wild horse. I want to tame him and bring him into the bar. Learn that one from every Judd Apatow rom-com.

The alpha move on a banana boat is sitting in the front

I would say that the alpha move is sitting at the front of the banana boat... if you're sitting up front, you're the guy that's having a blast. Everybody else is just dealing with your runoffs.

I refuse to call Mount McKinley by the name Denali

I have Mount McKinley. I refuse to call it Denali. Screw that. It's Mount McKinley to me.

Harambe the gorilla had no intentions of hurting the child in the enclosure

He wasn't going to hurt the child. Exactly. He had no intentions of hurting the child at all... He was playing with the child. He was helping the child out of the moat. Exactly. His intentions were not to hurt the child. That I can feel clear.