PMT DB
PMT DB
Chris Long and Hank's US Citizenship Test and NBA Free Agency
It is the most patriotic day of the year, and Big Cat is staring down his destiny at the Nathan’s Famous International Hot Dog Eating Contest. While most people are worrying about their grilling technique, Big Cat is contemplating his own mortality and whether a processed meat tube will be his undoing.
Big CatChoking to death on a hot dog during a competition would be a hilarious way to die
I actually am OK if I die because I think that would be a hilarious way for me to die. You know what? God, take me, choke a hot dog down my throat, whatever.
PFT is already thinking about the legacy play. Instead of worrying about the full ten minutes, he wants Big Cat to go for the early glory to ensure the history books (and social media) remember him as a leader, even if it's only for thirty seconds.
PFT CommenterBig Cat's best hot dog strategy is to eat 6-7 dogs immediately to secure a legendary screen cap
You need to get out to a hot start, just like shovel six or seven hot dogs in your mouth at the start. And that way you've got the screen cap for the rest of your life that shows like Dan Katz, eight hot dogs, Joey Chestnut, two.
The Summer of Mediocre NBA Bag-Getting
While Big Cat prepares to destroy his digestive system, the NBA is busy destroying the concept of value. The guys took a look at the absolute insanity of NBA free agency, where Mike Conley and Matthew Dellavedova are essentially becoming the richest men on earth. PFT has a theory that the Grizzlies' spending habits might suggest they are running a much different business than basketball.
PFT CommenterThe Memphis Grizzlies are a front for a crystal meth manufacturing operation
The Memphis Grizzlies are very obviously just a front for crystal meth manufacturing. Like that's — it's the perfect move to pay Mike Conley $150 million. It's obviously money laundering. They had [Matt] Barnes. They had Birdman. Chandler Parsons. The Grizzlies are just a drug operation.
They also discussed the recruitment of Kevin Durant, specifically Steve Ballmer's emotional display during their meeting. For the guys, it all comes down to the tax bracket of the person shedding tears.
PFT CommenterRich people crying in business meetings is seen as passionate, while poor people crying is pathetic
That's what I love about rich guys, okay? If you're rich and you cry, it's awesome. It's like you're very, very passionate. If you're poor and you cry, that's just pathetic. Get your poor, weird tears out of here. If you're rich, that's a guy that cares about life.
If PFT could do it all over again, he wouldn't be a superstar. He’s looking for that sweet spot of high pay and zero expectations that only a specific type of basketball player can achieve.
PFT CommenterThe best life to live would be as a mediocre NBA sixth man
If I had to do it all over again, I would come back as like a sixth man in the NBA. I'd work on that J. I'd get my J. We should have been these guys getting $70 million for being basically mediocre.
Mount Rushmore of Hungover Days
Since most listeners are likely catching this on July 5th with a pounding headache and a sunburn, the Mount Rushmore of hungover days was mandatory. PFT led the way with the classics like New Year's Day and the Monday after a full NFL Sunday.
Things took a turn when it was Hank's turn to pick. After a few solid entries like the day after Thanksgiving, Hank decided to get extremely personal and listed June 14th because it's the day after his birthday. He then followed that up with August 15th for no apparent reason other than it being a "terrible day to be hungover."
The Citizenship Test: Chris Long vs. Hank
New England Patriot Chris Long joined the show for a high-stakes U.S. Citizenship test to determine who actually gets to stay in the country. Chris even brought in a heavy hitter for a "Phone a Friend" segment when he got stumped, bringing recurring guest Howie Long onto the call to help him navigate the checks and balances of the federal government.
PFT CommenterAutomatic weapons stop branches of government from becoming too powerful
What stops one branch of government from becoming too powerful? ... We also would have accepted automatic weapons. Automatic weapons do that, too.
Chris showed off some surprisingly deep knowledge of tribal history during the quiz, though Big Cat and PFT were more interested in the "correct" answers from their own version of the test.
Chris LongThe Flathead Indians are the real deal
Name one Native American tribe. I'm going to go with the Flathead Indians. I'm not sure if they're going to be on the list, but I know for a fact that they are the real deal Holyfield.
As the quiz progressed, PFT threw in a few curveballs about the only enemies the United States hasn't been able to conquer on the battlefield.
PFT CommenterThe only opponent to ever defeat the United States in a war is obesity
What's the only opponent to ever defeat the United States in a war? Nobody. It's obesity. We lost that one. Just like we have lost the war on obesity.
When it was Hank’s turn, the bar was significantly lower, but he still managed to struggle with basic geography. After Chris suggested that Maryland should be the first state to be booted from the Union due to its excessive tolls and terrible flag, the competition came down to one final question: who is the greatest American to ever live?
HankTom Brady is the greatest American to ever live
Name the greatest American to ever live. Tom Brady.
Despite Hank's loyalty to TB12, Big Cat had a different legend in mind for the top spot, even if his origins are technically a bit more European.
Big CatArnold Schwarzenegger is the greatest American to ever live
Name the greatest American to ever live. ... The answer we were looking for was Arnold Schwarzenegger, Terminator. ... I'm pretty sure he was [born in America].
In the end, Hank survived to remain a citizen, Chris Long was jokingly banished, and Big Cat headed off to Coney Island to try and make history.
Don't forget to hydrate and check your pulse.
