PMT DB
PMT DB
Marlins Man and Foul Ball Guy Face Off over Fort Bragg
Big Cat has survived the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Championship, though his digestive system might never be the same. After stuffing 12 wieners into his face on national television while PETA protesters doused him in fake blood, he’s back to recap the salt-induced trauma. While he’s proud of the performance, he admitted that if the betting limits were higher, his competitive integrity might have been compromised.
Big CatI would have 'Pete Rose'd' the hot dog contest and thrown it if I could have bet on my own under in Las Vegas
I actually made some texts. I was hoping that somehow it ended up on a real sports book in Vegas. We could have put some real money down, and I would have Pete Rose the hell out of that tournament. But alas, you could only win about like 200 bucks on prop bets. So I had to give it my all.
The salt levels were so high that Big Cat didn't have a bowel movement for 30 hours, but he's finally on the other side of the physical toll. He’s officially retiring from the competitive eating circuit, leaving the future to the true professionals like Joey Chestnut or perhaps the Golics.
Big CatI will never compete in the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest again
I've survived to tell my tale. I'll never do it again. But it was a great experience to have.
The KD Superteam and the Death of Retweets
Kevin Durant decided to upstage America’s birthday by joining the Golden State Warriors, and Big Cat and PFT are handling it with their usual level of measured nuance. Big Cat views Durant as a modern-day Benedict Arnold for turning the NBA into a two-team league.
Big CatThe biggest takeaway from Kevin Durant's move is that the NBA now only has two teams
The biggest takeaway is it sucks for the NBA as a whole that there's basically only two teams.
PFT offered a contrarian view, suggesting that adding another superstar might actually create a "too many cooks" situation in the Bay Area.
PFT CommenterKevin Durant might not improve the Warriors because there are too many cooks in the kitchen
I'm actually going to go out on a limb and say that Kevin Durant might not really improve the Warriors that much. Yeah, he's a really good player... You got a lot of cooks in the kitchen now. You need some role players.
The guys also discussed the influx of social media videos featuring parents filming their children crying over KD leaving Oklahoma City. Big Cat pointed out that in the modern era, children are essentially just content farms for their parents.
Big CatThere is no point in having children in 2016 unless you can get retweets out of them
There's no reason to have kids in 2016 unless you can get some retweets out of them. Kids, when you get down to it, if they're not making content for you, like why did you even have sex? ... If you have a child that's not cute enough to cry on camera for retweets, what's even the point of having the kid?
The Marlins Man vs. Foul Ball Guy Civil War
The heart of the episode is the brewing feud between two of baseball's most recognizable civilians: Laurence Leavy, better known as Marlins Man, and Zack Hample, the man who has turned catching foul balls into a science. The conflict stems from Hample attending the Fort Bragg game, which was intended for military members only. Marlins Man didn't hold back, calling Hample a "peon" and a liar.
Marlins ManZack Hample is a 100% liar regarding how he obtained his Fort Bragg ticket
I decided to tell the truth and call out the liar and his friends and his family. ... [Zack Hample] is [a liar] absolutely, positively, 100%. And I've given him an opportunity to come clean, and like say, I'm sorry, you know, I made a mistake... He needs to say it because in about a couple of hours, he's going to be proven to be a 100% liar.
Marlins Man has a very high opinion of his place in the sporting landscape, claiming to be the blueprint for the non-athlete celebrity. He even compared his arrival at Wrigley Field to the British Invasion.
Marlins ManMy reception at Cubs games is comparable to when the Beatles showed up at Shea Stadium
I was in Chicago for the Dodgers-Cubs. They swarmed me. They overwhelmed me with kindness and love. They were chanting, 'Marlins Man, Marlins Man' between the innings... I go, are you kidding? Watch what's going to happen. It's going to be like when the Beatles showed up at Shea Stadium. And it happened.
Not one to be outdone in a war of words, Hample joined the show to defend his honor. He claimed that Marlins Man’s sudden "respect for the troops" was actually a pivot after he failed to secure his own tickets to the game. Hample also pointed out the fundamental flaw in Marlins Man's ball-snagging strategy.
Zack HampleYou can't catch home runs when you sit in the first row behind home plate like Marlins Man
If he wants to talk it out and have lunch... I would even go to a game with him. But I don't want to sit in the legend seats at Yankee Stadium because you can't catch a home run when you're sitting in the first row behind home plate. Of course not. I would gladly help Marlins man catch a baseball game.
PR 101 and Thoughts and Prayers
In a special PR 101 for Big Cat, PFT suggested that the best way to handle the PETA blood-throwing incident is to lean into it. By becoming a vegan, Big Cat could potentially unlock a whole new revenue stream of advocacy money.
PFT CommenterBig Cat should become a vegan as a PR move to become the 'Subway Jared' of PETA
I think Big Cat needs to become vegan. You need to say, 'You know that whole throwing blood on me and talking shit to me thing? It worked. I'm a vegan now.' Good job. ... You would be the Subway Jared of PETA. You would be their biggest success story and nothing bad could ever come from that.
Thoughts and prayers were sent to Johnny Cueto’s horse, Popeye, who was memorialized on Instagram in a way only Johnny Cueto could. PFT also offered some premature support for Ciara as she prepares for her wedding night with the famously celibate Russell Wilson.
PFT CommenterRussell Wilson's sex with Ciara on their wedding night will be fast and furious because of his long celibacy
Russell has not had sex in a long time. He's not going to be, how shall we put, he's not going to be gentle with you. He's not going to last long. Silver lining. Spin zone. It's going to be fast. It's going to be furious. It's not going to be fun. Russell is going to be having sex like somebody who can get shot at any time.
Finally, the guys checked in on Rick Reilly, who has apparently spent the last four years workshoping jokes about Kate Upton and her hypothetical anatomy. PFT, ever the man of the people, disagreed with Reilly’s assessment of a certain science-fiction trope.
PFT CommenterRick Reilly is wrong to say a third breast is unappealing; I think there's something attractive about it
To say that there's nothing at all attractive about having a third boob, I'm going to disagree with you [Rick Reilly]. I think that there's something attractive. We could debate this maybe, but it seems like Rick is really going out on a limb by saying that. I think that he's wrong.
If we're lucky, the troops will finally get the charity boxing match they deserve between an orange-clad lawyer and a guy with a backpack full of baseballs.
