Takes

Muhammad Ali would never have died if he were a female soccer player

Medically they gave it the name Parkinson's... but actually it was not something, I believe that if he was not a fighter, he would never have died because of that. [If he were a woman soccer player] it would have been safer... and he would have had fewer blows to the head.

Tim Tebow bringing a flatlining man back to life is an 'abortion to death'

If you bring a guy back from death... isn't that giving an abortion to death? It's the equivalent, right? So he's an anti-abortion guy, but he's over here... Death's got a bun in the oven in the third trimester, and Tebow's got the shop vac out.

I am going to make pooping your pants as an adult socially acceptable

None of it comes even close to what I'm trying to accomplish when it comes to making pooping your pants as an adult not something to be ashamed of. I'm a 31-year-old man. I make mistakes just like you... If this happens to you, don't be ashamed. I'm here for you. I want to give a voice to the voiceless, the grown adults out there.

All mustard is trash

I have nothing on my Mount Rushmore because all mustard is trash.

Yankee fans are the most knowledgeable fans in baseball

I think number one in terms of knowledge would be Yankee fans.

George Steinbrenner was the greatest owner in sports history

Best owner ever. I had the utmost respect because I don't think I've ever seen an owner that wants to win as much as George Steinbrenner wanted to win. Like, literally, we played 162 games. I really think that he wanted us to win 162 games, like not one loss.

Tarvaris Jackson's wife is a Hall of Famer for mocking his on-field accuracy while he was holding a gun

Jax and his wife said to him [while he pointed a gun at her], you better be accurate because you ain't accurate on the field. That's so quick... she actually is facing death and she's still not afraid to go there. Not afraid to go there Hall of Fame.

Game of Thrones is for nerds and we watch sports instead

Game of Thrones for nerds. We watch sports. You watch your little fantasy land shit. If we're going to call you a nerd, we're going to call you a nerd and you're going to fucking like it... The real nerds are the people that don't watch it.

NBA Draft night is the most boring night of the sports year

Can I be honest with you? I think that the NBA draft night is the most boring night of the sports year. I think the ESPY night is more electric than the NBA draft night.

The NBA should draft fat guys and let them work themselves into shape

Why aren't they drafting really fat guys and saying, well, he'll lose the weight, he'll lose the weight, like he'll get in shape? That seems unfair... fat guys, they don't get the benefit of the doubt. Oh, they'll work themselves in shape. No, you never hear that.

LeBron James is the greatest of all time

LeBron James, greatest of all time. 23.

If you die during your team's championship celebration, it is not a bad way to go

Honestly, if you die during your team's championship, not the worst way to go... If you're a Clevelander and you die during the celebration of your first championship, I don't even think that's a Jimbo. I think that they're going to build a statue for you.

J.J. Watt is the most selfish athlete on the planet

Basically, J.J. Watt is the most selfish athlete on the planet Earth. That's what I've learned from this.

European NBA players are soft

I don't know what it is about European players, but my instinct is when everyone's taken, I'm like, wow, what a dumb pick. It doesn't matter. They're soft. No, it's just Europe in general. They're soft. It's just not to make it a generality about an entire country. All the tough guys in Europe play soccer. Europe is a terrible country.

Rick Pitino did not know about the escort scandal in the Louisville dorms

I truly take Coach's side on this. I don't think he knew that Andre McGee was doing that for the players. I think he was caught up surprised by that. Coach is not around the dorms and those things with the guys. You know, that's why he hires his ex-coaches or ex-young coaches so they can handle that type of stuff.

LeBron James would have entertained leaving Cleveland if they had lost the 2016 Finals

I think if he didn't win the title... You know, you can put a lot of different scenarios together. I think he probably would have thought about leaving. I think obviously now winning, he can't go nowhere. But I did believe if they did lose, he would have entertained. But I thought he would try to go west.

I could still shoot 40% from three-point range today despite not playing for 18 months

I haven't touched the ball in 18 months. So, maybe 40. I'm not even giving myself 50%. Maybe 40%. I mean, I ain't touched the ball in 18 months. You know, I mean, it's going to take me a while to get back in routine.

Playing football in the South makes you immune to the justice system

This just shows the cultural difference between the North and the South, the anti-pussification of America by Alabama, where if you play football, you basically are immune to the justice system. That's never actually backfired.

Injuring Lionel Messi would increase the popularity of soccer in the United States

I think maybe if you injure Messi, that would be pretty huge for soccer in the United States. Everybody loves a bully. Maybe severely injure Messi and make him not able to play soccer ever again. I think you would get a lot of new fans from the United States. Because if there's anything that fans in the United States hate, it's like a little European-ish guy.

Jim Harbaugh only has sex when he is trying to procreate

I also wouldn't be surprised if Jim Harbaugh's sex life is just when he's trying to procreate. Jim Harbaugh, like, he doesn't get put in the mood. He's just, like, walking around the house and spontaneously has an erection. And then he just grabs his wife and he's like, it's back again. We're having a baby again.

The Under Armour curse is real and currently at its peak

Anytime a good team loses, you got to ask what the curse is. I think it's definitely the Under Armour curse. It lives on. Spieth struck out big time at the U.S. Open. Cam Newton, Steph Curry. Bryce Harper still hasn't won a title. I think we're living in the golden age of the Under Armour curse.

Kyrie Irving should have won Finals MVP over LeBron James

Kyrie Irving should have won MVP. He was the best player on the court. He basically won it for LeBron, not to get nitpicky here.

I officially hate Steph Curry for being a sore loser

By the end of this finals, I truly do hate him. I can't stand him anymore. He complains about every call. He got a little too cute out there sometimes with the behind-the-back pass. The whole meltdown when he threw the mouth guard... You can't be America's sweetheart when it's all going well and then have these public meltdowns when things turn on you. It's a sore loser thing. So I think I officially hate Steph Curry.

The NBA isn't rigged, but the league got the 7-game series they wanted

Is the NBA rigged? No. But? Did I insinuate a but? That was not my intention. No, I think in this series, they got what they wanted. Absolutely. You know, they got, they got the seven games, but I don't, I'm not buying into that conspiracy theory.

Sports should wait until the end of the game to announce penalties

The USGA said that they weren't going to announce whether or not [Dustin Johnson] was going to be penalized until after his round was over, which is just a great rule. I wish more sports would incorporate something like this. Like if the NBA waited until the fourth quarter to be like, yeah, Steph's foot was on the line for that three-pointer in the first quarter. So we're going to take away one point. Anyone out there who's complaining about this rule is a bad Christian because you don't get to know if you're going to heaven until after you're dead.

Mountain Time is the best time zone for sports fans

If we're doing power rankings of time zones, I've got to say Mountain Time is number one. Everybody shows no love to Mountain Time, but it's a nice little mix of not having to start watching sports too early and not having to stay up too late. Mountain Time, Central Time, Pacific Time, then Eastern Time.

Under Armour is the Buffalo Bills of shoes and cannot win the big one

Under Armour can't win the big one. They can't. They're the Buffalo Bills of Shoes. You know what I'd like to see more of on Twitter? I'd like to see more people tweeting the dumpster fire image at, like, live look at Under Armour right now. It's a dumpster fire.

Sleeping in the same bed as a man isn't gay as long as you keep your suit on

I will say that no man card taken away. People forget. You could sleep with as many dudes in the bed as you want. If you keep your suit on, it's not gay.

O.J. Simpson is a guilty man

I have no theories on that stuff. I've stated before, I just think O.J. is a guilty man, and that's it. I think his karma is now that he is in jail.

California teenagers are more intimidating than teenagers in the rest of America

I think that's a great call because I came from Wisconsin and I was, it's very intimidating... It's just nothing but good looking people... I'm always a Milwaukee guy. I swear to God, I have not forgotten who I am.

LeBron James is the best athlete in the world

Well, we've actually argued about this in terms of LeBron's athleticism. I don't think there's a better athlete in shape dominating their sport like LeBron... we thought LeBron would be the best at that [playing other sports].

The last two minutes of a basketball game are the worst part of sports

The worst. The last two minutes of the game.

Fat guys should not wear fedoras

Jason Whitlock, way too fat to wear a fedora. Fat guys can't wear little hats like that.

Kyrie Irving's Game 5 performance was more impressive than Steph Curry's typical hot streaks

This is a hot take that I actually think is correct. What Kyrie did game five was more impressive than like when Steph Curry goes off. Because when Steph Curry goes off, he hits a lot of threes... Kyrie was hitting everything. He was hitting floaters. He was hitting jumpers. He was going to the rim.

Draymond Green was secretly rooting against the Warriors in Game 5 so he wouldn't miss the clinching moment

I think Draymond was probably rooting against the Warriors I don't think that's that crazy... Draymond is the kind of guy that he's a little bit more out there emotionally. He's the kind of guy that might feel slighted if he's not part of that winning moment.

I would stand by my criticism of Randy Moss's mooning celebration even today

I would probably say the same thing again. it would be weak of me to say, yeah, I was a little bit too harsh and poor Randy... I thought it was over the top and ridiculous. Maybe my Midwestern roots came out. But believe me, I'm not scared. And if somebody doesn't like what I say or how I say it... I really don't give a shit anymore.

Dez Bryant caught the ball against the Packers in the playoffs

I was in the minority on that one. I thought that was a catch. And I think if Dez Bryant and Lambeau is not within a yard of the end zone, it's not an issue. But because he was and he was reaching for the touchdown, to me, that's what caused the ball to pop out.

Pregnancy is not an injury for a man; it is just being 'hurt'

I'm going to say that pregnancy is not an injury. A man's wife being pregnant is not an injury to the guy. It's a hurt to the guy... Pregnancy is technically a sexually transmitted disease. I think we all remember that from middle school health class.

Ichiro's hits in Japan should not count toward his career total vs. Pete Rose

Sabermetrically speaking, do hits in Japan count the same as Major League Baseball hits? I would say no... Those hits don't count in the United States. Neither should Ichiro's.

The NBA suspended Draymond Green specifically to extend the Finals for ratings

Former NBA referee Tim Donaghy says that the NBA suspended Draymond Green to try to extend the series to get higher ratings and more money. You think? No, duh.

Sidney Crosby is on the Mount Rushmore of hockey with Gretzky, Howe, and Ovechkin

If we're talking like the goat mount rushmore you got to go gordy how... you got to go gretzky you got to go ovechkin you got to go crosby it's easy

Every person on the ice for the Stanley Cup celebration should be required to wear skates

I don't like the fact that they roll out a carpet onto the ice. I feel like if you're going to be celebrating something on the ice, it needs to be done by only people wearing ice skates. So like the guys in the tuxes, the girl that comes out to sing the national anthem, they all need to be wearing ice skates. Like respect the sport a little bit.

Hockey is better than basketball because the games are more competitive

The NBA was blowouts everywhere, okay? Most of [the hockey] scores are either one goals or two goals. That's not a blowout. Hockey's better than basketball.

The 1996 Bulls would beat the modern Warriors

I'd be shocked if the Warriors won it. I just look at the defensive matchups... Dennis Rodman is going to just, I think, negate Draymond Green. And then you bring in – when you have Scottie Pippen, who would look forward to covering these guys.

Steph Curry's low-top shoes are sleek and the safest shoes to wear to avoid getting robbed

I like Steph Curry's shoes. I'm here to say that they're sleek... there's no chance that a teenager will ever hit me with 'what are those' if I'm wearing the Steph Curry Lowe's... You also probably won't get knocked out and have your shoes stolen from you, which is also a plus... wear the Steph Currys, be the safest guy in the world.

People should be fired for being bad at Twitter

I hope that this happens more in the future. Just people get fired because they suck at Twitter, not because they say anything offensive or because they break a law or anything, just because they suck at the platform.

The 2016 Pittsburgh Penguins are the softest and worst team to ever win a Stanley Cup

Congrats to Pittsburgh, right? They are probably the softest team to ever win a Stanley Cup... I think that this Pittsburgh Penguin team is probably the worst team to ever win a Stanley Cup.

The Stanley Cup is the greatest trophy in sports and every trophy should be drinkable

Every time the Stanley Cup champion is crowned, it reminds me that it is the greatest trophy in all of sports, and it's not even close. Every single trophy you should be able to drink out of.

A statement loss to Mexico is what the US soccer team needs to announce its global presence

What you really want – now, I want to see the United States – barely lose to Mexico in a statement loss. And that could be what really announces our presence on the global scale.

The United States soccer team is the Indiana Pacers of the global scale

The thing about Klinsmann is the United States in soccer is the Indiana Pacers. We've never done anything great, really. We've had a couple good players every now and again. But we think that we're entitled to be a really good team.