Takes

J.B. Holmes ruined the Open Championship with his slow play

Fuck J.B. Holmes. Fuck him. Brooks Koepka would have won. He ruined the Open Championship. Ruined it.

Joe Flacco has cool hair

We've been inundated with so many pictures of Joe Flacco and his cool hair. Reporters out in Denver can't believe that he actually has decent hair.

Michael Jordan's competitive drive is the athlete trait I wish I had most

I'll start with Michael Jordan's competitive drive. That will be my number one.

Winning Blake of the Year is like winning a low Division II championship

True story... I was on a flight when the Blake of the Year came out, and when I landed in Atlanta, you would have thought I had just literally won like a low Division II championship.

Golden State would have won the championship if they were healthy

I think Golden State would have won this year [2019] if they were healthy. Like no question.

It's very lame when NBA players get upset about their 2K ratings

Very [lame], yeah. Because it has no control over how you actually are as a player.

MLB needs to mic up managers during umpire arguments because it's more interesting than the actually play

When we get these sound clips [of Aaron Boone], baseball becomes more interesting. So figure out a way to have the manager mic'd up... Stop asking, why isn't Mike Trout a great star? We don't care about Mike Trout's mammoth home runs. We want to see two grown men yell at each other.

Michael Scott from 'The Office' definitely would have voted for Donald Trump because he likes a party and the rallies

Michael Scott definitely did. Just because he likes a party. He probably went to the rallies. He definitely would be a guy that would start like just a pro-Trump Twitter account and then he'd get famous based off that.

Junior Mints are S-tier because of their scarcity

The one thing I like about Junior Mints, I don't think you can get it everywhere... you go into even a liquor store, you can get a Snickers bar... it's just too easy to get. I like the fact you got to work a little for your Junior Mints.

I am an analyst and opinionist now, not a newsbreaker

I don't define myself as a newsbreaker. And I'm not even a newsbreaker anymore. I mean, that's one reason I left ESPN was because they wanted to keep me in a news-breaking role. And I wanted opinion and analysis. I'm so happy now to be in the role of an opinionist and an analyst because I do have an educated opinion.

I don't agree with homosexuality — I don't make the rules, I just follow the Bible

I don't agree with homosexuality. So that's, you know, that's living as a Christian. I don't make the rules. I just try to follow the rules that God said, according to the Bible.

I've had homosexuals at my house and we're cool

I've had homosexuals at my house that are friends and we're cool. So it's not a matter of me not being able to get along with anybody and be friendly with people.

You're on a pro-gay podcast right now

You're on a pro-gay podcast right now.

The best way to oppose gay marriage is to simply not get gay married

So you've kind of adopted the mindset, like, you're not for gay marriage, and so you're going to show that by not getting gay married. But people around you, if they get married to somebody, like, then that's fine, in your opinion?

Jay Onrait is 'soft' and only criticized me out of bitterness and Canadian bias

Jay Onrait is soft. I think his ire with me stems from two things. One, bitterness that Fox Sports 1 didn't bring him back. And two, during the playoffs, I called Canada soft... I think some of it is people tend to think it because look, I'm not saying I would have broken the Kawhi story but I wasn't trying.

Kawhi Leonard would have joined the Lakers if the Clippers hadn't traded for Paul George

I still believe that had the Clippers not been able to pull off the deal for Paul George, [Kawhi Leonard] would have joined the Lakers. I don't think he wanted to live anymore in Toronto. I think he wanted to be in SoCal, but he also wanted a second star.

Licorice is the best jelly bean to give to someone you hate

What are the best flavors of jelly beans to give to someone you hate? Oh, definitely licorice. Yep. You can have them all.

Laptops should be abolished

If you could change any one thing in today's world back to how it was when you were in your 20s, what would it be? I would go without laptops. Get rid of laptops. I can't figure out a laptop. I barely can figure out a phone.

Dennis Rodman is a top pick to storm Area 51 because of his diplomatic experience in North Korea

My first pick, I'll just take Dennis Rodman because he went to North Korea. He can figure out diplomatic stuff. He will be able to talk to the aliens.

Sam Cassell would be the perfect athlete to storm Area 51 because the aliens would think he's one of them

My second one, I guess I'll go with Sam Cassell. Just because, you know, maybe if there is any type of, like, maybe these guys are like us, they'll see Sam Cassell and be like, all right, that's an ally.

Edwin Encarnacion hasn't earned his Yankees pinstripes yet because the team lost the game where he hit two home runs

Newly acquired Yankees, Edwin Encarnacion... He had two home runs and the MLB tweeted out that the parrot has earned his pinstripes. But they lost the game, and then home runs meant nothing. You can't earn your pinstripes until you stop getting paid from your former employer.

Meryl Streep is the all-time GOAT of passive-aggressive comments

Meryl Streep is coming in... Meryl Streep is wrecking people. She's so – her little passive-aggressive comments. She is the all-time goat when it comes to passive-aggressive comments.

Fans building cup snakes at Wrigley Field are actually doing a favor to the recycling staff

We're talking about cup snakes where people are actually recycling. They're doing a favor to the Wrigley Field staff. They're collecting all the cups for them so they don't have to go around and get them after the game.

The SEC officiating Twitter account is just a shield to prevent fans from attacking the referees' personal accounts

This actually could be brilliant, though. If we're talking about SEC fan bases, I feel like they're the most likely to find the official's private personal accounts and go after them so this is just like hey no attack us right it's a shield.

People who leave hate comments online are 'keystroke bullies' who wouldn't say the same things to your face

There are those people that just sit in their mother's basement... find fault with other people and disparage the efforts of others. I call them keystroke bullies. And you know something? They would never say that to you in an elevator.

I never board a plane without looking the pilot in the eye to judge who is flying the aircraft

When I get on a plane, everybody gets on a plane and they just step on and turn right... I never do that. I get on and look left because I want to look at who's flying that airplane. Well, every single time I have never gotten on a plane that I didn't look the pilot in the eye.

Cleveland fans felt personally rejected by LeBron James when he left for Miami

Number one need in all people is acceptance. Number one fear is rejection. [LeBron] rejected the cities. I'm out of here. So they all felt rejected. We're not good enough. You're leaving us. So that hurt. So they really had a love-hate relationship with him.

We form our self-image by watching ourselves perform under pressure

We form our self-image by watching ourselves do what we do. So if you see yourself fold under pressure, then you attribute to yourself, I fold under pressure. But if you see yourself take the shot and make it, you go, hey, I held up under pressure.

I would choose to cut off my pinky toe rather than go bald

The little toe doesn't do anything. I'm going to teach you a lesson, Dr. Phil. You ready for this? I would cut off my little toe rather than be bald. 100%. Not even a question.

I would much rather get my information from Ask Jeeves than Wikipedia

I'd much rather read off Ask Jeeves than Wikipedia. If we can start that back up, then I'm all for that. You can't quote Google anymore, so you got to go ask Jeeves. I never got a bad grade on my paper from ask Jeeves.

I am a personal servant to my dog Stella

I actually am a servant to Stella because every day I wake up and I give her food at the exact same time. And she goes back in bed and hangs out all day. And then I come home and I give her food again.

Pete Sampras is the tennis GOAT

I was actually rooting for Djokovic too because the more that you can poke holes in Federer's resume, the more you can say Sampras is the GOAT. ... He is the goat. Sampras is the goat.

The person who invented tennis scoring was a crackhead with a brain injury

The person who invented tennis scoring in the first place was just like a crackhead with a brain injury. 15-30-40. And then there's love. Why?

I can't stand the US Open's 'Mickey Mouse' uniforms compared to Wimbledon's class

I'm a tradition guy. I don't like the U.S. Open with their mickey mouse uniforms they're all wearing like neon stuff. No thanks. I'm a Wimbledon guy... caught dead in the U.S. Open. The lawn and racket club it's just pure class out there.

There are no real aliens at Area 51 because the government would have moved them if they were that well-known

If everyone knows Area 51, there's no chance there's real aliens there. They would have moved them somewhere else.

Grayson Allen's reputation for dirty play is back

Grayson Allen's back committing flagrant fouls at a rate unprecedented to players not named Grayson Allen. ... It's great to see a player fall back into the old stereotype that you had on him.

Coaches should never have anyone else call for a job for them

I was always brought up to that if I wanted a job, I would never have anyone else call for me. I would always call myself. ... If any other coach would have recommended Sean [McVay], I think he would have had a chance.

NFL head coaches are fighting to keep their jobs every single day they go to work

I approach it this way. I'm fighting to keep my job every single day. So every time I go into work, I'm trying to prove that I'm worthy of a job. And every time we're playing a game, I'm trying to prove that I'm worthy.

The Clippers would need to win 17 championships to take over Los Angeles

[The Clippers] better watch their back. ... They'd have to win 17 [championships]. They'd have to go 17 in a row probably for people to start saying it's no longer a Laker team.

The Lakers are LeBron James's team because Anthony Davis still has to learn how to be a champion

I think it's LeBron's team. I mean, he's the veteran, and he has the championship. So [Anthony Davis] is going to have to learn how to do that.

Bill Belichick is the type of coach who would cut off his dick one year too early rather than one year too late.

Belichick's the kind of guy who would cut off his dick one year too early instead of one year too late. That's why he's won all those titles. Vrabel is chasing a ghost.

Jay Williams claiming Duke could beat the Cavs was his 'arrival moment' in the hot take industry.

The saying, 'Duke can beat the Cavs,' is like Jay Williams' arrival moment. He's just letting everyone know, hey, I'm here now to just spew some bullshit out here. I'm for real.

Zion Williamson would actually play worse if he lost weight.

I think [Zion Williamson] would actually get worse if he lost weight. There's something about his body. He's got power that he can just jump into. It doesn't look as much like an offensive foul if a fat guy runs into you as opposed to like a big jacked up dude.

Waiters only offer you mushrooms at Chili's if you give off a 'drug guy' vibe.

You put out the drug guy vibe. I understand why she would try to offer that to you.

I'd like to thank my family for believing in me while winning 'Blake of the Year' despite the haters.

First off, I'd like to thank my family for believing me this whole time. Obviously, there's been a lot of ups and downs and a lot of naysayers, a lot of haters, but somehow we made it here. I don't know, man. I'm at a loss for words.

I am in favor of the 'footballization' of every other sport

I'm in support of the footballization of any other sport. I want there to be a [challenge] flag. I want there to be the footballization of any other sport.

Challenges and replay in sports are bad because they prevent fans from complaining about being screwed

I'm firmly in the stance that everyone who wants more replay and more challenges, what you're going to do is you're going to get a world where we can't complain about anything. And watching sports is half of it is winning. And the other half is saying why your team didn't lose. They got screwed.

The Bachelorette having four fantasy suite dates instead of three is a smart life hack

Hannah couldn't decide who to give the final rose to... so she gave them both a rose, which means Hannah will have four fantasy suite dates instead of three... She just hacked the bachelorette by having more sex. She was like i realized that i could get more laid than other bachelorettes

The NBA has the best offseason in sports

The NBA by far and away has the best offseason in terms of the free agency period and players moving around and teams completely changing the course of their next four to five years in a matter of moments.

Lakers Twitter had the worst two-week showing of any fan base in history

Lakers Twitter had the worst two-week showing of any fan base, basically attacking anyone who would say that Kawhi was going anywhere but the Lakers... It was a full-blown, why wouldn't he go to the Lakers? We're the greatest team of all time, even though we haven't made the playoffs in forever.