Takes

Life skills like gambling and buying weed teach more math than school classes

I've learned 50 times as much math from gambling and smoking weed and buying weed than I ever did in any sort of math class.

Mark Stevens pushed Kyle Lowry because his 4K technology makes him think the players aren't real

He's exposed to all the finest in 4K 3D technology when it comes to watching these games live. He's probably watched games on his couch where it felt like the players were diving into his living room. So he's probably comfortable shoving at them and getting away with it because they're not real. So when he's at a game, he can't tell what's in the Matrix and what's real life.

The Jonas Brothers are actually not losers and their documentary is good

My Firefest of the week is that I watched a Jonas Brothers documentary, and I actually really liked them. You go in and you're like, oh, Jonas Brothers, those guys are losers. Only teenage girls like them... Then you watch the documentary. You realize they were grinding for three years.

Cord cutters are not real sports fans

People who are cord cutters are not sports fans. I'm just going to say it right now. Because you are buffering and you're watching a minute behind. You care more about the money you're saving than sports, than the actual sports and being up to date. You are not a real sports fan.

For the health of the Premier Lacrosse League, Paul Rabil needs to get into a fight in week one

You got to fight like week one to get it out there. Like you know that right? Like for the health of the league, you have to fight.

If a wide receiver catches a touchdown despite a pass interference penalty, the extra point should be worth two points

Mike Greenberg's dumb rule for right now off the top of my head. If a wide receiver catches a touchdown on a pass interference, the extra point should be worth two.

If you own $500,000 worth of any singular product, people should be allowed to steal it if they can get their hands on it

I actually have a theory that if you own $500,000 worth of any product, people should be allowed to steal it if they can get their hands on it. ... But any singular product. ... Like Dwight Howard's snakes.

Zdeno Chara is the sports respecter of journalism of the year for writing down answers with a broken jaw

Zdeno Chara has a broken jaw, he can't speak, and he still met with the press and answered questions by writing down his answers. Class act. ... The respecter of journalism of the year. Sports player who respects journalism the most of the year.

Paul Pierce is a coward who didn't actually poop his pants in the 2008 Finals

Paul Pierce... I actually don't really buy it. I don't buy it either. I think he admitted as much that he was just using it kind of to get a headline as a joke. ... I think Paul Pierce has just waited till it's been like the tide has turned on it. And he's like, now it's safe to say this. So he's doing it. He's kind of a coward. And he's not only a coward, but he's doing it. And I don't think he actually had to poop his pants. I think he just thought he was really, really injured.

I like both the 49ers and the Seahawks, but if I have to pick one, it's the 49ers

Professional football teams would have to be the 49ers... and the Seahawks. [If you have to pick one?] I have to be the 49ers. I love Joe Montana. [College?] Go blue. Michigan.

Kawhi Leonard does not have a personality

Let's figure out the true Kawhi. Let's figure out what Kawhi is all about. Let's figure out if Kawhi has a personality. Turns out he doesn't.

Canadian TV viewers are more attentive than Americans, so product placement should be more expensive in Canada

I'll also say that Canadian viewers are more attentive than American viewers. Actually, the product placement should sell for higher in Canada because in Canada, they're so used to only taking two bathroom breaks during a sporting event for hockey that that's their condition, so they watch more of the commercials.

People who chase TV ratings on the internet are the absolute worst

People who chase ratings might be the worst people on the internet... They don't even care about the sport. They just care about the next morning. How many people watch and how can I spin this to fit my exact narrative that I'm trying to throw out?

Rich people smell better than everyone else

Rich people just smell better. They look better. They smell better. They have everything that's better.

Rich people don't have locks on their bathroom doors because they are too wealthy to care if someone walks in

One thing I noticed from those experiences, rich people don't have locks on their bathroom. Oh, because you don't have to have a lock. It's like, oh, you walked in on me shitting? I don't care. I can buy and sell you.

The New York Yankees' no-beard policy is the dumbest rule in all of sports

[The New York Yankees' no-beard policy] is the dumbest rule in all sports. What happens if [Dallas Keuchel] signed? I would love to see Scott Boras right now if he finds out that Keuchel already gave away the beard in the negotiation for free.

The live-action Lion King remake looks bad

The Lion King looks weird, too. Like, that looks bad. It is. It's too much. Cartoons, anything can be a cartoon, and it's believable because it's a cartoon. But if it's like, oh, these lines look real life, and they're talking, it's like [scary].

Michael Jordan is the GOAT over LeBron James because of his leadership

Michael Jordan, he has a leadership. That's the most important thing. As a player, as an athlete, you have a leadership... in a basketball game, if you're a superstar in the team, you have to lead your team.

In the playoffs, it is better to get blown out 6-0 than to lose 4-3 in overtime

Do you lend any credence to my theory that in the playoffs you'd rather get your ass kicked, like get smoked 6-0, than lose a 4-3 game in overtime because the close loss is so much more demoralizing because you think that you've got it, whereas with a 6-0 loss, you just say fuck it after you're down 4-0, and who really cares?

The 2019 Bachelorette season is boring and Hannah Brown is whack

The Bachelorette, I feel like this is a boring season. I feel like I say that every time, but I feel like this is a boring season. Hannah's whack. She's real whack.

Kobe Bryant is better than LeBron James

If you're a LeBron stan, take a moment, have a little self-reflection, and realize Kobe's better than LeBron.

LeBron James is the greatest loser in NBA history

I think what you need to do is remember how good LeBron James is at losing. He is perhaps the best loser ever.

The third quarter Warriors are the most fun team in the NBA to watch

The third quarter Warriors are the most fun team in the NBA to watch. They're insane. I absolutely love them.

Klay Thompson is actually the most important piece of the Warriors

I'm talking myself into the take that Klay Thompson is actually the most important piece of that Warriors team. Clay will come in and he'll shoot like seven for 10.

Andy Ruiz vs. Anthony Joshua was the biggest boxing upset I've ever seen

Biggest upset that I've ever seen, you're probably right that the Buster Douglas upset was a bigger one. But in today's multimedia world... it's just hard to fathom a bigger one.

Anthony Joshua fights like a 5'10" man despite being 6'6"

Anthony Joshua just couldn't keep Andy Ruiz from charging in at him... Joshua is 6'6", but he fights like he's 5'10". Like he doesn't use that height to his advantage.

We would easily beat the Warriors if we started the 4th quarter with a 100-point lead

No, easy. We win by 30 [if we had a 100-point lead against the Golden State Warriors at the start of the fourth quarter].

We would still lose to the Warriors even with a 100-point lead in the 4th quarter

I think we would still lose and it would be like hilarious how bad we would look because I don't think we'd get the ball in half the time.

I am stronger than Steph Curry and could box him out

I actually do think I'm stronger than Steph Curry... I could box Steph Curry out... I got a much bigger ass. My ass is... Steph does not know how to handle an ass.

St. Louis pizza is just a saltine cracker with ketchup and American cheese

I learned something new about the St. Louis culinary tradition every year, whether it's their pizza, which my understanding is like saltine cracker with ketchup, and then like a lunchable cheddar... American cheese.

Being ignored at a roast is meaner than being made fun of

That's almost meaner [to go soft]. If I ignore you at a roast, it means either you can't take it or I don't care about you.

All extremely rich people have access to secret, high-end designer drugs

I'm convinced that all rich people have access to these designer drugs that are so fucking cool that no one will ever hear about. They all do their rich people drugs that no one else has access to, like the everlasting gobstopper that they can have that just live forever.

Doug Gottlieb is classless for blaming RJ Hampton's parents for his decision to play in New Zealand

To call out his parents is like such a weird fucking move, dude. Just a weird, weird move... it's a crazy move to call an 18-year-old a douchebag for wanting to make a decision for himself.

I agree with Scottie Pippen's decision to sue a five-year-old for drawing on his walls

Scottie Pippen... he's suing a five-year-old. But I read it, and I actually agree with him. So essentially... the people trashed the house, and part of the trashing of the house was someone took crayons to all the walls, and it was most likely a five-year-old. So boom, you're getting sued. I like that.

A 2-0 lead is the most dangerous lead in both hockey and soccer.

It proves once again 2-0 is the most dangerous lead ever. In hockey and also in soccer, I'm told.

I wouldn't put it past Kobe Bryant to actually have a meeting with a ghost to figure out how locked in he is.

I wouldn't put it past Kobe to actually have a meeting with a ghost to figure out how locked in he is. We're laughing at Rob Pelinka right now, but Rob Pelinka might be telling the truth. He's just leaving out the part that it was a ghost and not actually Heath Ledger.

The 'failed son' phenomenon is a real thing when you are a famous celebrity's child.

Yeah. What's the saying? It's like the first one builds it. The second one maintains it. The third one destroys it.

I am sick of The Rock posting relatable cheat meals while he's in peak physical condition

I'm putting The Rock on my hot seat because I'm sick of him posting his cheat meals. Being like, look how relatable this is, guys. I don't know if you noticed this, but like every month, Rock will post a huge pancake or something. And be like, damn, look at this cheat meal I'm about to devour. Being like, everyone out there, you know what it's like to eat like shit. Yeah, Rock, we eat like shit every fucking day. You're not cool because you eat a big pancake once every 30 days and you can deadlift 1,000 pounds and you spend your life in a fucking gym.

Intermittent fasting is the easiest thing in the world

No, [intermittent fasting] is the easiest thing in the world... You just don't eat for longer in the morning and a little bit longer before bed... you have 12 hours that you should not eat throughout the day. During your nighttime sleep cycle, say you have your dinner and your dinner ends at 7 p.m., you should not have anything in your body except water.

Tom Cruise is the Tom Brady of movie stars.

He's Tom Brady. He's like the Tom Brady [of movie stars]. He does the movie star as an actor, the best way. He's a real movie star.

You can't really dribble effectively with long shorts anyway; short shorts are the new wave.

Trendsetter. It's like the new wave. You can't dribble really with your shorts all long anyways.

The name 'Luke' is for punks; if you see a Luke, there's a good chance he's a punk.

Luke is a cocky guy name. If you see a Luke, there's a chance that he's probably a bit of a punk.

Eli Manning is probably a great French kisser because his mouth stays open all the time

He probably actually is a pretty good French kisser because his mouth just stays open at all times.

USC is in California; South Carolina should stop calling themselves USC

I can't stand when South Carolina people refer to themselves as USC. That's the worst. You're not USC. USC is in California. I'm sorry. It's just the truth.

Skip Bayless is the real winner of the 2019 NBA Finals no matter the outcome

Skip Bayless is the real winner of these NBA finals, no matter what happens... Because if the Warriors win, it's an indictment on Kawhi. And Skip gets to say, number two, I told you he was number two. And if the Raptors win, it's a big win for Skip Bayless because then he can retroactively use that and say it means less that LeBron James beat that Warriors team without KD back in 2016 because Kawhi also did it.

The University of Virginia is the 'Boston' of colleges

Another huge win for lacrosse. Virginia beat Yale. Virginia's just pretty much the Boston of colleges.

Lacrosse and baseball should make goals worth more points to make the final score look cooler

You know what they really need to do in lacrosse? They need to make the goals worth more than one point. It's an easy fix for baseball, too, if you want to draw more attention to your sport. Like in football, a touchdown is really one score, but it's worth six, which makes the final score look so much cooler. In lacrosse, if every goal was worth five points and the final score was 100 to 98.

Draymond Green is a top five uncle in professional sports

Draymond [Green] would be a top five uncle of professional athletes right now. He's like, I want to go hang out with Unky Draymond. Especially the one that's kind of fucked up and always angry at people.

Illinois is a second-tier state because it's only Chicago and bad weather

I put Illinois in my second tier as a state just because I like the city of Chicago in the summertime. But people are big mad. Apparently, Illinois is not a well-liked state even by people that live inside of Illinois... Illinois is never going to be on the same level as California's, the Florida's, the Hawaii's.

Admitting you have had sex thousands of times without a pregnancy while relying on 'pulling out' means you have 'beta sperm'

Actually, admitting that you've never gotten [a girl] pregnant when your main point is just pulling out... That tells me you've got beta sperm, bro. You got a little tiny like dead fish in there.