Takes

Adam Schefter is helping Robert Kraft by reporting there is a 'bigger name' in the prostitution sting

Adam Schefter says there's a bigger name involved, and somehow we don't have the bigger name, which leads me to believe that Adam Schefter is doing Robert Kraft a favor by basically sending everyone on a wild goose chase to figure out if Tiger Woods got jerked off.

Prostitution and sports gambling should both be legal

Prostitution should be legal because gambling should be prostitution and we take all the bad things out of the shadows so that people don't get harmed. [PFT]: Yes, and you should be able to do both on sports.

Eating out of bowls is superior to eating off plates

Bowls are way, way better than plates. Would we all agree? There's nothing that you can eat out of a plate that you can't also eat out of a bowl. Everything's getting put in a bowl these days.

Joey Logano is a 'baby back bitch' for blocking me on Twitter after I called him 'Slowy Slogano'

My other who's back is that baby back bitch, Slowy Slogano, who blocked me on Twitter for calling him Slowy Slogano. How soft is that? He basically tweeted and said, 'I had a great car, but sometimes it doesn't break your way,' which is a classic... So I filled it in for him, and then he blocked me.

Guy Fieri wasn't very nice to me and acts like he is bigger than a big deal

He wasn't very nice to people. He was fucking, you know, smelling his own ass. He's guy fucking Fieri... Like he's a big deal. He's beyond a big deal. He's bigger than a big deal.

You choose your own destination once you are high

It's mind-altering. You choose your path once you're high. That is fucking deep. You choose your own path when you're high. You choose the destination when you're high. Make sure you fucking write that down.

I am one of the top five hash makers/pressers in the world

I'm one of them. [Top five hash squishers]. For sure. There's no doubt about it. It's like the Kobe beef of making hash. I press the hash. I do the Revlon. But that's also a talent and an art in itself.

If a 'hot gambling tip' is shared out loud on Twitter, it is by definition not a hot tip

He didn't win, which just goes to show you, as always, if a hot gambling tip, if anyone gets a hot gambling tip and it's said out loud on Twitter, it's not a hot gambling tip... if it's a hot gambling tip, it's never said.

Identifying your own white privilege but not changing your behavior is 'Schrodinger's White Privilege'

It's like Schrodinger's white privilege. Just identifying it makes it something. But it also makes it exist and not exist at the same time? Like, if you identify that you're acting like a dick... Newsflash, you're still acting like a dick. If you stop acting like a dick, then you're no longer acting like a dick. I don't think that it can be Schrodinger's dick or not.

Roy Williams is a better coach than Coach K because of his jackets

Roy Williams, I would say, is a better coach than Coach K, by the way... I'm saying his jackets. That's the only reason that I'm giving you right now, Hank... I'm Roy Williams. I'm going to be a dadgum good dresser. Dadgummit.

If your career or dream feels like it sucks, that means you are on the right track

One of the underlying themes of crashing is if it sucks, that's how you know you're doing it right. It's not like this sucks. Why me? It's no, this sucks. I'm in the club. Like that's the path... if you're shitting in your pants and think you're a fraud, you're on the right track.

Comedians are secretly as competitive as professional athletes

New England like me that don't think it's polite to say you want to do better than the guy before you and the guy after you... act like a sweetheart, just like the guy on Crashing, but secretly, yeah, you want to tear the place down... There is a competitive. You're playing you against the audience or you against the show, and obviously it's good to be kind to everybody, but when you're up there, there's something athletic going on.

I would rather be a racehorse than any other athlete

Horse racing... You compete three times. If you retire at the top of your field, and then you just fuck for the rest of your life. That's all you do. You just get paid to fuck, fuck, fuck.

Being hungry is much better than being thirsty

I would rather be hungry than thirsty because I feel like if you are properly hydrated, like you're okay. You can survive for a very long time... I love being hungry because it means I haven't eaten, so I'm feeling kind of skinny.

Kyrie Irving's leadership style is based on his Uncle Drew character

I think Kyrie Irving has just thought he is like now Uncle Drew because he was in that movie. He is like the old guy who's trying to teach everyone else on the team... he doesn't really know how to be like a true leader except for a really bad Hollywood movie.

Imagine Dragons has officially replaced Nickelback as the worst band in the world

Imagine Dragons has taken the worst band in the world baton from Nickelback... we have to get our boys and IDs back.

Manny Machado is effectively early retiring by signing with the San Diego Padres

Manny Machado decided, guess what, 10 years, $300 million, San Diego, where I can kind of just go chill. Like, this is basically a – I'm just going to – he almost is early retiring.

Dick Vitale is losing his edge as a college basketball commentator

I'm a big Dickie V fan. I'm okay that they took him off the [Duke vs. UNC] game. I think they did it a little early, but I will give a little bit of a hat tip to whoever decided it... I listened to Dickie V on Saturday and it's fading on us, boys. I don't want to say it, but he's kind of losing it.

There is no chance Zion Williamson is actually doing his own classwork or assignments at Duke

Imagine being paired up with Zion [Williamson] on like a group project. And you're depending on him for like half your grade. It's like a take-home thing that you guys both have to work on and bring in. There's no chance that he's filling out that assignment.

Anyone born before Woodstock is problematic

Anyone born before, I'm going to say, Woodstock is problematic.

I could hit a free throw blindfolded before I would ever miss 11 in a row like Ethan Happ

Ethan Happ, forward center for the Wisconsin Badgers... He has missed 11 in a row. Shut up. 11 in a row... I think you could blindfold me and I wouldn't miss 11 in a row. No chance would I miss 11 in a row.

People who constantly switch lanes in traffic are dumb; it's better to be a contrarian

I would take the opposite approach. You need to be a contrarian there. Generally, people are dumb. Yes, so if you're driving down the highway... they see a couple lanes moving and they're like, 'I gotta get over there.' What happens as soon as you move over there? Your lane stops and then your lane takes off.

The further south you drive, the worse the drivers get

The thing about people that drive in traffic regularly like in New York, they at least know how to merge. Like you go to — I think it's the further south you go, the worse the drivers are.

I have 'bioptical' vision around 13/10 that allows me to see scores on TVs from across a bar

I just am born with amazing vision. I guess my doctor says it's like bioptical vision... I don't know if the proper, but it's like 13/10 or something. I can see stuff way, way out there. So usually when we're at a bar, my friends... are like, 'Well, what's the score?' and it's like, yeah, you know, three minutes left. Nobody can see it.

Fights are good for NASCAR and the league secretly loves them

Is it good for the sport? Absolutely. They secretly are high-fiving. You know, you don't want anyone to get hurt. They'll put out there that, you know, we don't like it. No way. It's like Dana White. They love it. Gets eyeballs.

Trevor Bauer is the smartest man in baseball, according to Trevor Bauer

The thesis that you can give after reading this is Trevor Bauer is the smartest man in baseball, according to Trevor Bauer. [Big Cat]: Jesus Christ. What a fucking wacko.

I would rather be a dead-eye three-point shooter for the rest of my life than be able to dunk

If I could pick one for the rest of my life, to be awesome at dunking or wet from three at all times, I think I would take wet from three... Anytime you're open, think about this. Any guy in the NBA, like if they're open, they just make it. Having that would be so incredible.

Antonio Brown exposing Ben Roethlisberger's 'owner mentality' is not news because everyone knows Ben is a dick

Antonio Brown... basically explained his conflict with Ben Roethlisberger, basically saying Ben Roethlisberger has an owner mentality and he can call everybody out... I don't really think Antonio Brown, if you want to go a certain route with this to gain public favor, being like, hey, Ben Roethlisberger's a dick, too, is not really—we all know that.

Every man over 6'5 except for Blake Griffin is an asshole.

Every guy that's over 6'5 is an asshole... Every guy over 6'5 except for Blake Griffin is an asshole.

John Elway is the third or fourth best quarterback of all time

He's probably the third best quarterback of all time. Third or fourth.

Eli Manning and Joe Flacco are the exact same player.

Eli Manning, Joe Flacco, the exact same guy. Average, and then a couple moments where they just shine brighter than everyone else.

MLB is the only All-Star game that still gets the juices flowing

I feel like MLB is the only All-Star game that really gets the juices flowing now... at least still you can't half-ass baseball. A pitcher is still going to throw their stuff. Pro Bowl, NHL, NBA, everyone's just going through the motions.

Max Kellerman won the Super Bowl because the Patriots validated him by acknowledging his takes.

Max Kellerman won the Super Bowl more than anyone else... he owned all of you... Because he is outlandish. He's hot take-ish. He said Tom Brady was old... you guys played into his hands and you went on his show... That is literally his dream... his dream is that the Patriots then come and answer to him.

Defensive units cannot last in the modern NFL without constantly evolving their scheme week-to-week.

Bill [Belichick] keeps players engaged because you're always evolving. You're not the same thing each and every week because I don't think you can last anymore in the NFL. People are going to pick you apart unless you have those outlandish defenses where you got freak athletes.

The dog show needs more controversy to become a mainstream interest.

I actually think this is exactly what Westminster needs. More controversies will get us to a point where dog shows become mainstream... we need to get some kind of maybe put it up to a fan vote.

Kirk Cousins needs to stop tweeting or only tweet about charity

Kirk Cousins has reached a point where he cannot tweet anymore... He is very, very earnest and genuine. He can't tweet. He cannot tweet anymore... The only thing Kirk Cousins should be tweeting is about charity. Go charity route or delete your account.

Papa John is the new face of Kentucky basketball

I think we should just go with a take that Papa John is now the new face of Kentucky basketball. When I think UK Wildcats, I think shitty pizza.

Having a pass batted at the line of scrimmage is better than throwing an interception

I submit that getting your passes batted at the line of scrimmage is better because some of those balls would have turned into interceptions. So Brock Osweiler throws a lot of balls that don't get tipped. And he trips over himself. That's why he throws so many interceptions.

An NFL starting quarterback is the apex predator of the sports world

If you have the choice of being an NFL quarterback or an outfielder, maybe an outfielder for the Oakland A's, it's not really a choice. And it's like you're it's the national brand of being a national hero versus being maybe at your absolute peak... starting quarterbacks in the NFL are the top, they're apex predators in the sports world.

Quarterback draft stock only ever goes up as the NFL Draft approaches

Wherever [a quarterback] is going to be drafted today, he will be drafted higher once the draft comes. Because every quarterback just keeps going up and up and up.

NBA dads are correct that traveling is no longer called in the league

My cool throne is dads. Because we're all in agreement now that traveling is no longer called in the NBA. So, dads, you were right. They don't call it anymore. It was a gather step, bro. No, it was five steps... There were three gather steps, and then there were two more steps.

Blake Bortles and the Jaguars effectively ruined the Steelers franchise

We're all in agreement, though, that Blake Bortles and the Jaguars broke the Steelers last year, right? Absolutely ruined that franchise.

Poodles are often favored in dog shows because their glamour catches judges' eyes better than low-key breeds

The glamorous dog catches [the judge's] eye... the Dalmatian, I think it's overlooked because of there's so many glamorous dogs in the non-sporting group and two of them are poodles.

There are no bad dogs in the world, only bad owners

All dogs are good. It's only owners that are dickheads. True. No bad dogs, only bad owners. That's a fact.

Getting hit in the nuts is the ultimate comedic punchline that no comedian can top

I think that's the ultimate punchline... No, I think getting hit in the nuts is... I have no jealousy as a comedian [of the guy who gets kicked in the balls].

The AAF should schedule their season to end exactly when March Madness begins

What would be great is if they did the schedule... when you get to February, you can play the remainder of your season so that the Super Bowl of the AAF ends right before March Madness begins. Because I'm just being totally honest... there are certain points in the year of sports that I just won't choose a minor league football team... over what I usually watch.

'Abducted in Plain Sight' is the most jaw-dropping documentary I've ever watched

Whatever you're doing right now, drop everything and watch Abducted in Plain Sight because it is—let's just say it's the most jaw-dropping documentary I've ever watched. Not like a good—it wasn't one of those documentaries where you come across being like, man, I'm really thinking about it. It was awesome. I just said what the fuck probably about 15 times.

Core work is the most important thing for an athlete because everything connects to it

Tons and tons of core work to make sure that my core is locked in... Core is important. It's extremely important. It's the most important. That's what they say. Everything attaches to your core.

Being a professional athlete in America ruins your ability to be a fan because you know how the business works

American sports, I know how free agency works. I know how these backdoor conversations, I know how all the inner workings of it, and it kind of screws you up as a fan because it's hard to get fully into a team because you know how it all goes in the back end. So I'm watching [Premier League]... I don't know what the hell these transfer fees are... So I just blindly am a fan.

The Premier League is the most appeasing thing to watch in the morning because the green pitch lulls you like the Masters

The Premier League, part of the reason why people like watching it... it's very appeasing in the morning on a Saturday or Sunday. The pitch is so green, and it just kind of lulls you. It's like almost watching the Masters. It is a very nice, easy way to start the day.