Takes

The NFL is effectively becoming seven-on-seven flag football

Tom Brady threw for over 500 yards and lost the Super Bowl... I loved the doomsday defense, the steel curtain... Those guys, they just shut you the fuck down... and it's just all gone. I mean, the fucking guy, Tyreek Hill... runs across the middle of the field... nobody's going to hit him.

The world banking system is essentially a giant Ponzi scheme

I just sort of read up on sort of the banking system... And that'll scare the shit out of you. What is the banking system conspiracy? Well, I mean, it's kind of a big Ponzi scape... If you just read up like the Federal Reserve, it's not really federal. It's a private [bank].

Elon Musk is likely just a 'beard' or a distraction used to hide Jeff Bezos's surveillance activities

Elon Musk, we have a conspiracy theory that we're working on here is that he is actually a beard for Jeff Bezos... Elon Musk is like the... Everyone's like, oh, these guys, they'll never do anything. Meanwhile, Jeff Bezos is creating robots that are going to deliver packages from Amazon and spy on all of us while Elon Musk... [is distracting everyone].

Ancestry.com is a data-collection scheme to map the population for future control

That stupid fucking Ancestry.com... These fucking people, you're sending your DNA into the internet? Are you out of your fucking mind? And now they find all they need is 3 million people to do it. They can map out everybody... There's no fucking way they're not talking about it and trying to come up with solutions [for population control].

Elon Musk is an idiot and a public-facing prop used to distract from more competent tech billionaires

Elon Musk is the idiot. He's a prop... everyone's like, oh, look at this guy. He's a fucking idiot. They can't figure out robots... Meanwhile, Jeff Bezos is creating robots that are going to deliver packages from Amazon and spy on all of us.

Nick Bosa is a quitter for withdrawing from Ohio State before the draft

I'm just saying it's a black stain on the OSU program... I kind of think he's a quitter... if you can't play for an egomaniacal lying psychopath [Urban Meyer], why could you ever play for Dan Snyder?

Top NFL prospects should want to get injured in bowl games to reach their second contract faster

But if you're good enough, you actually want to get injured in that bowl game because you don't have to play your first year in the pros. And so you're one year closer to your second contract.

Jon Gruden is starting to realize he is in over his head as the Raiders head coach

Right now, Jon Gruden's entering the phase of this job where he is starting to realize, hey, I might be in a little bit over my head. This isn't actually the year 1998.

Nathan Peterman is the Matt Schaub of our generation

Yeah, he's the Matt Schaub of our generation. It's great. I mean, every game is just so much more exciting when Nathan Peterman gets involved because you know what's going to happen. It's just a matter of time.

Rob Gronkowski is the greatest tight end in the history of the game

Did you guys realize that Rob Gronkowski is actually the greatest tight end in the history of the game? Like, he actually is. It's kind of not even a debate.

LeBron James is the new Steve Jobs

LeBron is the new Steve Jobs. From films and TV shows to educational institutions, A&R-ing via his IG... James is using his magnitude to invade industries and redirect the conversation.

The Giants should 'put Eli Manning down' like an old house cat

Eli Manning, he's more like an old house cat that just coughs up hairballs and shits himself all the time. Put it down. Put it down.

The Giants should be treating Saquon Barkley like the centerpiece of their offense

They should be treating Saquon Barkley like the Cowboys treat Elliott, like the Vikings treated Adrian Peterson. The offense goes through this guy instead of him just being a piece in a bigger puzzle because the rest of the puzzle is crap.

Eli Manning is a better quarterback than Peyton Manning

Eli had a great career. Two Super Bowls. Yeah, beat Tom Brady. How did that happen? The better Manning. The better of the two Mannings. Easily, in my estimation. Never lost Super Bowl.

Jimmy Butler's practice takeover in Minnesota was a Jordan-esque move

Jimmy Butler wants to be traded... Jimmy shows up to practice for the first time and basically emasculates the entire organization. He takes the bench players, the third stringers, and beats the first team... I'm a Jimmy Butler skeptic through and through. I'm skeptical of his top 20-ness. But this was a Jordan move.

Jimmy Butler is officially 100% a dickhead and a diva

Let's just, because we're kind of all on Jimmy Butler's side, let's just say Jimmy Butler's for sure a dickhead. Like 100%. Yes, he's 100% a dickhead, a diva... it's clear that he's really feeling himself these days.

Aladdin is the greatest Disney movie of all time

My sleeper is Aladdin, the greatest Disney movie of all time. Yeah, I said it. It's being made into a live-action movie star in Will Smith, The Fresh Prince, which means it's sure to fucking slap.

An elite college team has no chance of beating an NFL team

[PFT: I legitimately think that your 2000 or 2001 team at the University of Miami could have put up a stiff competition against an NFL team.] No, no chance... I've never felt like it would ever even be... even the teams that go 4-12, they're about 12 points away from being 12-4 in the National Football League. They are unbelievably physically talented. The size, the speed, you know, the worst players on the team would be superstars on a collegiate team.

Skydiving is scarier than free solo climbing

Skydiving is actually a good example... I found that pretty scary. I wasn't at all scared [climbing]. Skydiving... it's just so fast and frantic and... there's a lot of stimulus... you're like, Oh my God, I'm falling out of a plane. I think that's scary.

Von Miller is so fast that you have to make a 'business decision' to avoid him

Newton's first law is when Von Miller is diving at you, make a business decision. I actually fully buy in on the Al Davis, let's just get all the fastest guys... speed kills.

Giancarlo Stanton is a bum

Giancarlo Stanton, I'm ready to say he's a bum. No pinstripes for you, Giancarlo. If it were an April game between the Miami Marlins and the Atlanta Braves, I'm sure you would have hit a home run in a big spot.

Giancarlo Stanton should change his name back to Mike Stanton to fix his hitting performance

Giancarlo Stanton needs to change his name back. That would do him a lot of good.

The Yankees should be stripped of their pinstripes and forced to play in plain white uniforms after losing to the Red Sox

I think the entire Yankees team should actually be forced to play in just all white. No pinstripes for anyone.

Peyton Manning is not actually funny

Why have we decided that Peyton Manning is funny? Because he's a decent actor for an athlete. Okay, because I'm done with thinking Peyton Manning's funny. It's the same thing every time... SNL where he was throwing the balls at the little kids 15 years ago, and from that point forward, we've been like, that Peyton Manning, he's very funny. But it's not funny.

You have to be "fucked up" to be truly great at anything

You've got to be fucked up to be in this sport. Okay? We're different. Everybody in this sport's different. And, you know, same with football players. You've got to be fucked up to play in the NFL. You've got to be fucked up to be great at anything. You can't be kind of normal and great.

It is better to be the last reporter to break a story and be right than to be the first and be wrong 10% of the time

I'd rather be last and right and everything than first, in a bunch, and wrong 10% of the time. It's just, especially nowadays with people wanting attention and clickbait and all that stuff.

The 17-year longevity of the Brady-Belichick relationship is more impressive than the reported friction between them

Brady and Belichick should do a TED Talk on marriage counseling because what relationship lasts 17 years without hearing a thing? I looked at it totally the other way.

Mike Vrabel is the NFL coach who would win in a street fight against any other coach

Who do you think could just do the most damage as a coach right now off the street? Put them in a ring together... Vrabel. I would say Vrabel, though. Vrabel's off.

Modern NFL players don't work as hard as the Drew Brees and Tom Brady generation

The way guys come into this league now, they don't work. They don't understand what hard work is the way guys like that [Brees and Brady] did. So it's getting easier for them.

Teaching your kids to enjoy alcohol responsibly makes you a good father

Real take? I don't give a fuck. This is the most common thing ever... It's actually like teaching your kids how to enjoy alcohol responsibly is probably a really good father. So it's not like a novelty when they get to age 17 and they're just like butt funneling mad dogs.

Jon Gruden needs to stop talking to the media because his quotes are either obvious or contradictory

John Gruden just quit talking. He's just got to stop talking dude. He... in his press conference I think on Monday he was asked by a reporter how to get more turnovers and he says it starts with pressuring the quarterback... just shut up. Just come on man.

Bill O'Brien doesn't know how to coach Deshaun Watson

[Bill O'Brien] doesn't know how to coach Deshaun Watson, that's pretty clear. He was like putting him in shotgun and running the ball in fourth and one on the goal. I don't know what the hell he's doing.

The clutch gene is a real muscle that can be strengthened

Researchers who study the brains of athletes believe more and more that a so-called clutch gene exists. They've seen enough incremental improvement through brain training that they regarded as a muscle capable of being built and likewise atrophying.

Using a fullback is donating a down to the defense

Look, fullbacks, if I needed a blocking back, I'd bring one of my linemen in. Other than that, I'm in one back all the time with three receivers. I don't need a fullback. [Using a fullback] is donating a down. Don't ever hand to him. He can lead the blocking or whatever. Don't hand off to him.

The NFL has the weakest union and contracts because players don't view themselves as businessmen

I think the big issue with people in the NFL in general is that they don't view themselves and we don't view each other as businessmen. And the NFL doesn't view us like businessmen. I think this is why the NFL has the weakest union and the weakest contracts of all major sports is because of how we're viewed and how we view ourselves.

Thursday Night Football is terrible for players in the trenches

I do not take that back, man. It might feel good in the moment, but that Friday, for the people in the trenches—I can't really talk about the corners and the receivers and the quarterbacks—but for the people in the trenches, everybody hurts the next day, man. 1,000% [advantage for the home team] because you don't get a chance to practice.

The Rose Bowl is the greatest venue in all of sports

The Rose Bowl is the greatest stadium to watch a football game of all time. It is the greatest venue in all of sports.

Bud Black did a poor job managing the Rockies in the NL Wild Card game

I actually think that Bud Black didn't do that good of a job. There were some pictures [pitchers] he left in the game where it's like, what is this guy doing?

It's more fun to root for Clayton Kershaw to choke in the playoffs than to see him succeed

on the other hand, it's so fun to root for Clayton Kershaw to choke in a big situation.

'Showtime Mahomes' is a terrible nickname that does not work

My other hot seat is Patrick Mahomes' nickname. We've got to find a better nickname for that. Showtime. Showtime Mahomes does not work. That just doesn't work. It just doesn't work.

Kliff Kingsbury never developed a personality because he is too good-looking

Kingsbury, he's all hat, no cattle. He's just a good-looking guy, so he never developed a personality, so he gives out shitty nicknames like Showtime.

I could convince Kyrie Irving that Australia doesn't exist in five minutes

I'm convinced that I could convince Kyrie Irving that Australia didn't exist if you gave me five to seven minutes in a room with him.

Candy corn is absolutely delicious and should be a year-round candy

Candy corn is absolutely delicious. I think it should be a year-round candy, and I can't wait to eat it for the next month.

The Red Sox would rather play the Yankees than the A's in the playoffs

If you're the Boston Red Sox, I think you would rather play the Yankees... the A's just represent an air of the unknown. Billy Bean doing his weird shit every few years... you just haven't seen these guys with the repetition that you have seen the arms for the New York Yankees.

The biggest risk for the Braves in the playoffs is their youth and young rotation

For the Atlanta Braves, I think the biggest thing to question with them would be their youth. How is the youth going to respond? The young rotation as well.

Brian Snitker is the playoff manager I trust the least

I was going to go with Snitker, Brian Snitker... He's got his work cut out for him. He's steering a young ship. Like I said, he's got to manage a young pitching staff.

I am a proponent of bunting because it applies pressure on the defense

If you were a manager, would you bunt? Yes. You look at it as giving away outs. I look at it through a different lens. I'm applying pressure. Make them make a decision. I'm forcing you to play the game... Pressure.

Matt Barnes is the one who looks bad in the Kobe flinch video

I was questioning Matt Barnes' toughness because I thought Matt Barnes was cool enough to like put the ball directly in Kobe's face. It turns out he was he was the one being a pussy. Why are we shaming Kobe Bryant for not flinching at a ball that was not thrown at his face? So this is actually a Matt Barnes problem. Matt Barnes is not man enough.

NBA Twitter needs to chill out during October

October is football and baseball. Chill out, NBA Twitter. Let us have a fucking month... Enough, NBA Twitter. You get your time. We're going to all pay attention to you... from like February till essentially July. So just chill out.

Jeff Fisher did a fantastic job as a broadcaster in his debut

Jeff Fisher in the booth, Jets, Jaguars. I listened to a little of it. I thought he did a fantastic job as an unbiased person. I saw a lot of tweets saying that he was not good. I think those people are haters and losers.