Takes

Brooklyn bourbon is a superior product and better than Kentucky bourbon

Brooklyn bourbon... it's actually been rated as being better than Kentucky bourbon, and it's a superior product. And people from Kentucky are too dumb to realize it.

Brad Stevens is the perfect personality to be a head coach in today's NBA

I think the most important attribute you can have as an NBA coach is your personality. Most of these guys do understand X's and O's. But if the team doesn't listen to you, you have to do it in a way now where the guys don't totally shut you off. And [Stevens] has this unbelievable passive confidence that it's like the perfect combination of personality to be a head coach in today's NBA.

The Washington Wizards are the softest team in the NBA, even more than the Raptors

I actually think it's the Wizards, and that's why that first-round matchup was so incredible, because they were two teams I don't believe in. ... If you want to doubt the Raptors and doubt their toughness, there's tons of evidence, but the Wizards... they were two teams I don't believe in.

Tyronn Lue is not a very good NBA head coach

You know what's funny? Yeah, I don't know. I don't think [Tyronn Lue] is very good. I'm trying to be nice about it. ... The rotations are still a mess. And they weren't very good in the finals last year either.

LeBron James is now the fourth-best player of all time

I am now moving LeBron to fourth best all-time, right ahead of Kobe. So that's big of me. I've seen enough. You've got MJ, Magic, Bill Russell.

LeBron James's Game 7 cramps were a calculated 'escape plan' to have an excuse if the Cavaliers lost

I actually have a theory that [LeBron's cramps] was an escape plan. Because when he went to the locker room, it was tied. So he was like, if I go to the locker room with cramps, it's an excuse in case we lose this game.

Ty Lue's decision to save Tristan Thompson for Game 7 was a genius coaching plan

Tristan [Thompson] Kardashian was basically the— I mean, he didn't play the entire series... Ty Lue... was saving all his energy... It's actually a genius plan by Ty Lue. [Fresh legs] for game seven.

Paul George is actually 'Playoff Passive' because he turtles in big moments

Playoff P was such a playoff P that, I mean, I've never seen anyone be more, it's actually playoff passive is what it stands for because he turtles in big moments. And the fact that he gave himself the nickname, playoff P after game one, is one of the most embarrassing things you could ever do.

Russell Westbrook is the most likely NBA player to kill a teammate

Also, you have to deal with Westbrook, who's probably the most likely to kill somebody in the NBA. I could see him murdering a teammate.

Carmelo Anthony's four Olympic gold medals make his legacy more impressive than LeBron James's three NBA rings

LeBron has three rings. Melo has... four gold medals... he won four gold medals against the best competition in the world. LeBron's limiting... LeBron shines big on the small stage. Just asking that question.

Brad Stevens is the best coach in the NBA

And then the Celtics are, I mean, we've said this before, but Brad Stevens is the best coach in the league.

Every draft grade list should be required to give at least one F

Mel Kiper's grades are so fucking funny. He won't give anyone an F, which is bullshit. Like, if you do grades, you should have to give at least one F. You should have to.

Mel Kiper Jr. is only 1-for-13 all-time at correctly identifying franchise starting quarterbacks

He's like one in 13 all time [on identifying] starting quarterback[s].

Floyd Mayweather's quickness would prevent Conor McGregor from taking him down in an MMA fight

[Mayweather] would punch [Conor McGregor] like 20 times by the time he got to him.

No matter where we go in our careers, people will try to take us down for our past

It's almost liberating because it taught me that no matter where we go with our careers, people are going to try to take me down for my past. And that's fine because at this point, the biggest takeaway was don't get caught in a situation where internal politics and people with an ax to grind can determine your fate.

Going to ESPN was a mistake fueled by the brand's legacy seduction

I think it was a mistake for sure. It was a mistake to go back to ESPN. I'll be honest. We got, speaking for myself at least, got a little bit seduced by the fact that, hey, we're going to be on ESPN. I mean, I grew up watching ESPN. It's a brand.

Sometimes you don't need legacy media to reach the 'next level' in your career; you can reach it on your own

The natural evolution of what we had created on the podcast was putting it on some kind of television platform... when in reality, the lesson I learned... Sometimes the next level isn't needed. Sometimes you go to the next level on your own.

Salvador Perez just booked himself a trip to the Hall of Fame by banning swearing

I think Salvador Perez just booked himself a trip to Cooperstown because if you want to get the Baseball Writers of America on your side, just ban swearing after home runs.

LeBron James is the best athlete in world history

LeBron James is the best athlete in world history, as I've long said.

I respect Eli Manning's move to force a trade on draft day

I respect the hell out of that move [forcing a trade like the Mannings did], but no, whoever decided that they wanted me, I was just going to be happy and go play for them.

I hate the NBA and the entire league is disgusting

The whole thing is disgusting to me. I haven't changed my opinion on any of it. I hate the NBA.

'I had diarrhea' and 'Our country's national debt' are the two best excuses of all time

Listen, as far as I'm concerned, the two best excuses of all time are, I had diarrhea. Nobody asks you any more details. ... and, hey, do you know how much money we owe to China? What the fuck does it matter?

Meek Mill going to prison was actually great PR because it made everyone forget that Drake murdered him in a rap beef

I think this is great PR for Meek Mill. I think he's totally, like, everyone's forgotten about [the Drake beef]. ... Now he's a hero.

I'm officially canceling Russell Westbrook

I've canceled Russell Westbrook. He's canceled. He's done. I, white girl, can't even with him anymore. Dude, you know how lame you have to be to get owned by Mitt Romney? I mean, and Mitt Romney owned him. He showed him how many fouls he had.

Gary Bettman is an expert at drawing attention to every product except for the NHL

Gary [Bettman] is at it again. He scheduled the second round playoff game between the Penguins and the Capitals for Thursday night, right up against the NFL draft. ... He knows how to draw attention to any product but his own.

NFL offensive line play is getting worse every year

I wouldn't take a quarterback moving forward that couldn't [extend the play] because O-line play is starting to deteriorate. All these colleges, they get less time with the guys. NFL, the new CBA, they get less time with the guys. And the O-line play in the league as a whole is getting worse and worse every year.

If you aren't good at your job, you should hang out around the office as much as possible to become the 'glue' that they can't fire

That's rule number one just in general if you're not that good at your job is you just hang out around the office a lot. And then people are like, 'Oh, well, we can't fire this guy. The workplace would be so different without him.' ... He's the glue.

John Elway falls in love with any quarterback he sees in person

I think John Elway's problem is that he just loves every quarterback. As a former quarterback, he will love you if he sees you, where if you wear a football, if you throw a football in front of him, he's like, I'm in love with this guy. He's awesome.

Colin Cowherd's theory of Manalytics is actually real

The theory behind it that the regular season doesn't matter and the playoffs get a lot harder and your flashy PER and how you score at such an insane pace in the middle of December, that doesn't matter in the playoffs. ... It sucks that we can't mock manalytics because it actually makes sense. ... manalytics are real.

Derek Jeter has completely ruined his legacy as Marlins owner

I think Derek Jeter, I think we can say it now, he has completely ruined his legacy. It is unbelievable how much of a douchebag Derek Jeter has been in the last year. The fact that he sits there and says, you have to be mentally strong and you've got to get out there and compete every day and you never tell a team that they're not set up to win. Derek Jeter, you played for the New York Yankees.

The Timberwolves are the saddest team in the world

The Timberwolves are the saddest team in the world. They are pretty bad. There's no really redeeming quality to watching them play.

Super Troopers 2 is a better sequel than The Godfather Part II

I'd say it's more beyond Godfather 2. It's like Empire Strikes Back.

The movie 'Boner Dogs' will be a success if it creates plot holes for fans to find

Listen, we're going to go with 'Boner Dogs' because the way to get a successful movie is to get on that website where they're like, there's a plot hole here.

Tom Brady and Bill Belichick actually hate each other

Tom Brady, on the other hand, I think he hates Belichick. I think they hate each other.

Mint chocolate chip is the best ice cream flavor

My number one flavor... It's mint chocolate chip. Best ice cream flavor there is. Number one pick.

Phish Food is the best Ben & Jerry's flavor

I would die on this hill: Fish Food. It's got the marshmallow. And you know what I like? The crunch element is the chocolate-covered caramel fish.

Jerry Garcia and the Grateful Dead are overrated

I'm just going to say it out loud. Jerry Garcia and the Grateful Dead, a little overrated.

Brad Stevens is the best coach in the NBA

Brad Stevens is the best coach in the NBA. He is a wagon. I expect anything from a Brad Stevens coached team. They just play so much smarter than everyone else.

LeBron James was the hardest player to guard in the NBA during my rookie year

I'm going to go LeBron [James]. [Hardest guy I had to guard].

Competing is the only reason I run; I find the act of running itself boring

I love competing. I don't love running. I love competing... one of the hardest parts is just learning how to be bored for that long.

LeBron James lost Game 1 on purpose to pad his all-time stats

LeBron actually lost this game on purpose so he can pad his all-time playoff stats.

LeBron James needs to get back on social media to play well

I think Zero Dark 23 is actually bad for LeBron because he's such a millennial. He needs to be hooked up to his endorphin stream that comes from his Instagram account and his tweets. He needs to get back on social media.

The Celtics are the most likable team in the NBA playoffs

I think that the Celtics are the most likable team in the NBA playoffs right now.

Russell Westbrook is LeBron James's motivation for getting triple-doubles

Skip Bayless is basically saying that LeBron James just started to get triple doubles because he saw all the attention that the media was paying to Westbrook, and not because he's really good at basketball or anything.

I would love to have Bryce Harper on the Cubs

I would love to have Bryce on our team. Who wouldn't? He's great.

Gregg Popovich is an enormous dickhead

I think Greg Popovich is a... Enormous dickhead... He's gotten so much positive reinforcement for being an asshole that now he's just like, it's good if I'm an asshole.

Karl-Anthony Towns is a top 10 player and the clear leader of the Timberwolves over Jimmy Butler

Any time that you can get a team that has a really, like, a transcendent talent on there, like Cat, it's going to be fun to watch them in the playoffs... If we're playing Who's Man's with the Timberwolves, this is not Jimmy Butler's team. This is Cat's team. Cat is probably a top 10 player.

I can make a fake inflatable Chick-fil-A to drive customers toward a real restaurant I own next door

We just make an inflatable Chick-fil-A that's never open, and then right next door is our Popeyes. It's a false flag franchise.

Football is a six-inch war focused on running the ball

We've got to run the ball. I mean, that's football. That's what this game's all about. It's a six-inch war. If you can't move people, you can't win. And, you know, that's the name of the game, no doubt.

Nerds run the world, but they don't run the football

Nerds run the world, though, brother. That's true. But they don't run the football. No, they don't, but we do. So we run the ball for them.