Takes

The Chicago Bears have the best fans in the NFL

Who has the best fans in the NFL? Chicago. That's an easy one. I'm positive.

I believe in Bear Weather

Do you believe in bear weather? Do I believe in bear weather? Yes. I was going to say, this is an important question. Okay. You believe in bear weather. Yes.

Green Bay has the worst fans in the NFL

Who are the worst fans in the NFL? Ooh, good question. Thanks. Oh, man, the worst. Man, I can't throw anybody under the bus like that. You were in New Orleans for a while, right? So just say Atlanta. Yeah, there you go. Yeah, Falcons fans. Keep the rivalry there. Can I say Green Bay? Yes, absolutely.

Josh Allen pushing the revolving door proves he is an alpha leader, while Sam Darnold is a beta

I'm going to say that it was probably Josh Allen who pushed because guess what? He's a leader. And when he sees a problem, he fixes it. So Sam Darnold, way to be a beta, bro. Hey, Sam Darnold, you're just going to let robots run your life?

Chili is not a soup

Is chowder a soup? Is chili a soup? Chili's not a soup. Chili is a chili. You eat it with a spoon, it's soupy. No, but you don't call clam chowder soup. Just trust me. Chili's not a soup. If I say that chili's a soup, do you know how many chili fans there are on the internet? They're the fucking worst.

Jeff Fisher and Bruce Arians not being at the Combine is a shock to the system

The only surprise that I've had is that Jeff Fisher hasn't been spotted walking around... Him and like Bruce Arians, if you had told me at the start of the week that they wouldn't be here, I would have called you a liar. They're like... You know how ducks get born in a nest and then they leave and they instinctually return?

The NFL Combine is just a giant excuse for the entire league to get drunk in Indianapolis

Well, what we realized, too, is the Combine is basically an entire fraud operation so that everyone can come to Indianapolis and get drunk. Yeah, because when you break it down, the athletes that they're scouting, they've already scouted in detail... Why are they having everyone get into underwear and run on turf in Indianapolis? Oh, it's because Indianapolis is the one city in America where every bar is connected to a hotel and has a steakhouse.

I could have beaten the Eagles in the playoffs if I were coaching the Saints

[Sean Payton] can say, though, like, I could have beat the Eagles. [PFT: And then, therefore, I would have been Super Bowl champion.] Yes, absolutely.

Las Vegas hotels should build CamelBak hoses into the walls next to beds for hungover guests

Everyone's been so drunk that the next morning... you realize that you are so thirsty that you could basically drink the entire ocean... so this is more of an idea for Vegas... they need to build those camelback hoses into the wall and just so they pop out right underneath your bed. So you can just wake up, open your mouth, and then you just squeeze it.

There should be a 'Paperboy' style app where food trucks throw pre-made burgers out the window to drunk people

So my drunk idea is... You guys remember that video game Paperboy?... it's a slow creeping car that just drives up and down busy like bar streets... you hit the button and you order like a burger. They just roll down the window and toss it. They have pre-made burgers, pre-made hot dogs, pre-made pizzas, and they just throw it out the window.

High-end restaurants are doing it wrong by not having pictures of the food on the menu

What would you guys say is the one thing that tells you a restaurant is classy?... It is pictures on the menu, so you know what the food looks like. So I went to a really classy dinner last Friday, and they didn't have pictures on the menu... they need to have a picture option. So it's like a Denny's or an IHOP, but you're eating at a Michelin-rated restaurant.

Meryl Streep is the Derek Jeter of acting — she gets nominated just on name recognition alone

Is Meryl Streep the new Derek Jeter? Is Meryl Streep just getting voted into the All-Star game out of name alone?... Her range isn't what it used to be. When you lose your range, it goes quickly. And you know what? She won't change positions either.

Winston Churchill beating Hitler is essentially 'stolen valor' for an actor playing him

[Gary Oldman is Winston Churchill in Darkest Hour]... yeah, he beat Hitler. Yeah. You know what? Isn't that stolen valor, though? If you dress up like the guy that beat Hitler, you're taking credit for that.

I clearly beat Canelo Alvarez in our first fight

You know, I was doing my job, I hit him more, and the computer showed that, and the judges showed that, so that's all I have to say.

James Harden didn't just break Wesley Johnson's ankles, he snatched his soul by making the shot

It's so cocky because I think we all agree, if James Harden misses that shot... the soul-taking doesn't take place. It's just an ankle-breaking. When you make the shot, it's a soul snatch. And so James Harden was so cocky and just like, I'm just going to stand here for an extra beat.

The mainstream media is now just 'pranking' with fake reports because of us

Do you think we've ruined the media? ... Because these guys keep making mistakes left and right... They have to run with whatever they've got and then hopefully say it's just a prank. But guess what? You don't have the prank defense in your arsenal.

The NFL should stop the clock after first downs under two minutes like college football

The only rule I really want to see in the NFL is... I want the NFL to... adopt the clock stops after a first down under two minutes like the college [rule]. Because it makes—you can come back with 45 seconds left. It's awesome to watch.

Cloning your dog is a 'spooky' mistake because the environment and soul will be different

I don't think I would clone my dog. ... You'd raise it in a different environment, so it'd be a little bit different. And then you'd look at it when it wasn't acting like your old dog and be like, 'Who are you? You aren't my dog.' There's something spooky going on here.

Kevin Love is reading The Godfather to try and bond with LeBron James

Kevin Love is reading The Godfather... He's getting on LeBron's level. They're going to have a lot to talk about. They're going to sit next to each other on plane rides and just talk about Fredo.

In comedy and audio, the 'fatter the funnier'

I say especially when it comes to comedy and audio comedy... the fatter, the funnier, the fatter, the funnier.

The internet is a 'hustler's paradise' for content creators

It's a hustler's paradise in the content world. And it really becomes like the forefront of your mind for everything. So it's like it never stops.

The NCAA's arbitrary rules are a good life lesson that 'rich people don't give a fuck about you'

Isn't it a good life lesson just in general to have a bunch of arbitrary bullshit rules that are made up by some random guy that you have to follow? ... It actually in a fucked up backwards way it actually does teach you the most... and it's that rich people don't give a fuck about you and they just want to keep their money.

The fear of failure is a necessary and healthy driver for success

People that say you're not supposed to be afraid of failure, I think, are so full of shit. ... That fear of failure is what's driving me to work to be good. ... It shouldn't shut you down, but it definitely should be there.

Everything Marcus Peters tweets is excusable because he admitted he is 'hella dumb'

It's a disclaimer on everything Marcus Peters said. He says, 'I'm hella dumb.' Everything he says after that point, you cannot hold it to him. Everything else is just a prank... You can't get in trouble for quoting a song. You can't get mad at art.

Justin Thomas is a 'pussy' for having a heckler kicked out

Your day's done. Had him kicked out. Had him kicked out. What a fucking dick. Which just means that hecklers are inside Justin Thomas' head, even though he won... What a little pussy that guy is.

Zaza Pachulia is the biggest threat to the NBA's health because he hurts superstars

The NBA is probably the healthiest league overall when you think about growth. Zaza Pachulia is the one thing that could break it all down because he just hurts people left and right... He hurt Kevin Durant, his own player. He hurt Kawhi, the Spurs... The guy is a menace.

The NCAA basketball scandal is not ruining the sport, but changing it for the better

No, college basketball as we know it's getting changed and changed for the better... you can't have people running around on college campuses giving kids money... but not ruin but change and I think change for the better fellas.

Any college coach who knowingly commits a major violation should be banned for life

Knowingly commit a major violation, you are banned from coaching college basketball. You can go coach NAIA. You can go coach the pros. You can coach high school. But you can't coach college basketball.

The best basketball players in the NBA came straight out of high school, so let them go pro

The best players in the NBA, damn near, came straight out of high school, and I'm going to Kobe [Bryant] and LeBron [James]... basketball, let them go. Absolutely. Let them go. Let them try. If they don't make it, hell, I'd even say if a kid went out of high school, went in a draft, he didn't get drafted, let him go to college.

Chris Farley is not funny at all

I'll stick by the not funny... in Dan Dakich's world, which is my own sweet little world, and it's a damn good world, that I don't think Chris Farley's very funny at all. And he's still alive... That dude was not funny. Still isn't funny. I can turn his stuff on today, and he's not funny.

Geno Smith is claiming the earth is flat as a media hack to stay relevant

when I saw him tweeting out videos today about it, my first thought was he's launching some new brand awareness thing. And so it was a great way to get back in the national conversation. Right. Was tweeting about how the earth flies. That is a hack into the media. Just tweet something. It's too easy.

A bar should be composed of multiple mini-bars with different themes and living room seating

What I'm thinking of doing with my idea is it's a bar, but there are like 10 different... Well, it's a bar slash restaurant, but there are 10 different bars that you go up to and you sit down at those bars. So instead of waiters and waitresses walking all around... It's just mini bars everywhere... You can have couches. You can have lazy boys.

We can make millions of dollars using bait-and-switch YouTube videos

Why don't we do that? We could be making millions. We need to create the fake YouTube account and then be like, oh, my God, check out the biggest play from the Super Bowl. And then it's just us pitching Pardon My Take at draftjoshallen.com and Bitcoin to Jen... I think we could actually make a lot of money off the bait and switch on YouTube.

We should make a movie about Jesus going back to high school as a friendless nerd

We should make a movie about Jesus going back to school, but he's a nerd and everybody hates him. It's like, what if Jesus went back to high school and he played the French horn and had braces and he couldn't get a handjob? Would you give Jesus a handjob if he was your high school classmate? Then can you really call yourself a Christian?

The 'Undisputed' hosts talk about LeBron vs. MJ every day because someone accidentally used permanent marker on their whiteboard

I think that someone in that building [Undisputed], there's probably a whiteboard with the show set up every day, and someone accidentally did it in permanent marker. So it's just on there every day... I think they literally just forgot to put it in dry erase. So every day they get in there and they're like, what do we have on the show topics? And it's LeBron MJ there.

Rick Pitino didn't have a chance to defend himself against the NCAA

I'm standing up for Rick in that point. He didn't have a chance to defend himself... I think we are now officially a free Rick Pitino podcast because I was moved. I was moved.

The NCAA taking down a championship banner is the most ridiculous punishment in all of sports

The act of the NCAA taking down a banner is the most ridiculous punishment in all of sports... [Michigan] should actually get Louisville's banner so they're allowed to hang it up but it says Louisville [on it].

Grayson Allen is the biggest villain in college basketball of the last 20 years

I am going to miss the end of the Grayson Allen era, who I think is the biggest villain in college basketball in like 20 years.

Banks revamp their websites and apps specifically to lock customers out of their accounts

They get the great idea that they're going to revamp their whole online presence. They do this. All of a sudden, when I go to log in, it doesn't work anymore... Man, it's just unbelievable. I could go through about six passwords in two days. And if it was something I had done, I would understand it. But why did they have to do this?... I'm so sick of these things... it's just like they're singling me out.

US Women's Hockey beating Canada is more meaningful because hockey is all they have

It just feels good to beat Canada because you know in hockey, that's all they have. It bothers them a lot. And Canadians can't get bothered... We know you're bothered. We know you're triggered right now.

MLB should allow managers to bat anyone on the roster out of order in the 9th inning

The rule is that in the bottom of the ninth, your manager is allowed to bat anyone, anyone on your roster, out of order, doesn't matter, makes the game more exciting... I actually like this rule. It's insane. The closer position would basically be obsolete, but it's a cool rule.

The NCAA vacating titles is the dumbest penalty because you can't actually take away a title that people watched

Is this not the dumbest, most NCAA penalty? Just being like, yeah, all those memories don't exist anymore. [Louisville's] fans are just... Really, the only thing that it punishes Louisville in is that Kentucky fans can now say they didn't win that. But other than that, you can't just take away a title. That doesn't work.

Ice dancing is just figure skating for betas

Ice dancing is just figure skating for betas. It's figure skating for people that weren't good enough to do the jumps.

You can't have a tie in the Olympics; make them go again

I also saw that the bobsled team from Canada and Germany tied. Both got golds. How is that possible? Again, I'm not trying to be an Olympic hater, but you can't have a tie in the Olympics. You can't. It's the Olympics. Make them do it again. Go down one more time. What the hell are they doing?

Admitting you are a golfer out loud is broken brain territory because President Trump also golfs

So we've talked about it a few times that Donald Trump, President Trump has broken some people's brains. And I would say this guy who is now saying he can't openly admit that he's a golfer because President Trump also golfs. That would be broken brain territory.

Media outlets create fake millennial memes and trends like avocado proposals just to have something to write about

I think someone out there... they either work for New York Times or BuzzFeed is basically creating these fake millennial memes and look at this new trend just so they have something to write about.

LeBron James' tears after winning the Cleveland championship were fake

I'm not a huge LeBron fan. I feel like he's very calculated. I felt like when he cried after he won it for Cleveland, he felt like he had to cry because MJ cried when he came back and did his thing and it made it emotional. Fake tears.

The NBA is so entertaining off the court that it makes up for the lack of production on the court

I feel like NBA is so entertaining off the court that it makes up for the production on the court.

Kobe Bryant is the real GOAT because he doesn't need a debate partner

LeBron versus MJ is the GOAT debate... that means that LeBron and MJ need each other to be a part of the goat discussion... which means Kobe's the goat. Kobe doesn't need LeBron or MJ to be considered a goat debate. They're just Kobe. He'd debate against himself. Kobe 8 versus Kobe 24.

If you need to buy time in a relationship, get a dog instead of a promise ring

What this guy doesn't realize is you don't have to get a promise ring. Get a dog. That's what a dog is. You get the dog, and then that buys you time.