Takes

The government has already won the spying game because everyone willingly put Alexa listening devices in their homes

Big Brother, you thought that the government was going to start putting robots in our houses. They just flipped the script and they're like, everyone has to go buy those stupid Alexa things. And they willingly put it in their house. And now we've been spied on. And now it's over. If you buy an Alexa, you're done. It has your credit card information. You're done.

Butts are on the Hot Seat because boobs are back in style

My hot seat is butts. Big hot seat because New York Post... they just wrote a trend piece about how boobs are back. So going to put butts square on the hot seat. Guess what? You thought it was cool to have a big butt? Everyone that went out there and got butt implants, you might want to see if those go two ways and you can just move them up to your chest.

Honey Nut Cheerios are the greatest cereal of all time

I've got a great value pick at number two: Honey Nut Cheerios. I think they're the goat. I'm just gonna say that... you forget the bee puts his honey in there for you.

Froot Loops are the superior cereal to Apple Jacks because Apple Jacks taste like pink snot

Apple Jacks and Cinnamon Toast Crunch, you can't eat like many, many bowls... they taste like pink snot. It's gross. Fruit Loops are superior Apple Jacks that look exactly the same.

Apple Jacks milk is the best leftover cereal milk on the list

Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Apple Jacks are both not only good cereals, but the milk in the cereal bowl after the cereal's gone is better than any other cereal on the list.

Being a great clubhouse guy means having no ego and not intimidating teammates

I'll tell you what makes a great locker room guy: immediately when you're hung like the light switch in the off position. Got it. So I think that immediately lowers a lot of stuff... When you care about guys and truly care about them, you want guys to do well.

The Cubs are a different team when Addison Russell is playing at his full potential

I think the Cubs, they're a different team when Addison Russell is who he should be. So that's a guy who, when he's feeling it and he's hitting the ball the way he should be hitting the ball, he's playing defense how he plays defense, I think their lineup completely changes.

Theo Epstein is smarter than most GMs because he trusts his instincts and asks players for feedback instead of just relying on spreadsheets

He's way smarter than a lot of those guys. Just because you're in this certain job title, there's not a whole lot of instincts going on in some of these places, bro. Theo has a unique gift of knowing boys club, of knowing clubhouse stuff... he goes out and asks players for things. Do you think this guy's good?

Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens definitely belong in the Hall of Fame

Barry Bonds? Yes. I think yes. Roger Clemens? Yes.

Odell Beckham Jr. is the best wide receiver in the NFL

I'm saying he's the best wide receiver in football. Odell Beckham, is it really the hair that makes him memorable or is it the fact that he's the best wide receiver in football?

The NBA offseason is currently better than Game of Thrones

LeBron James, the NBA offseason has now become, I hate to be the guy who's like the offseason is better than the real season, but it's making a run for its money because it's better than Game of Thrones.

LeBron James is definitely the alpha over Steph Curry

You could tell that Steph Curry... practiced that [impression] in front of a mirror a lot. Like, he's so deep into Steph Curry's head. LeBron James is definitely the alpha in this situation.

Steph Curry and Kyrie Irving are on the lamer side of NBA players

Those are two of, like – if you look at, like, the coolness factor of NBA players, [Steph Curry and Kyrie Irving] are definitely on the lamer side, and they are clowning on LeBron.

Charles Barkley is a good gambler who just gets unlucky

I played blackjack with [Charles Barkley]. We played high stakes blackjack together recently, and he was playing really good. He was unlucky, I've got to say. He was playing perfectly. And I was playing perfectly, and I think I won $30,000, and he went the other way... but I mean, he was just unlucky.

Colin Kaepernick clearly should be signed by an NFL team

To start the offseason, I thought the Colin Kaepernick storyline was bullshit. But now it's kind of like, all right, he's clearly – someone's just – like, he should be signed. They signed two backup quarterbacks that I had never heard of.

Going through a divorce while your wife is pregnant is a baller move

Congratulations, I will pray for our son. Going through a divorce while your wife is pregnant is a baller move.

Every reporter should Google themselves once a week

If you're a reporter, if you're a journalist, you have to be able to take the heat as well. Every reporter should Google themselves once a week, I would say. Got to make sure your name's out there. Read all the hate possible.

I want to name my son 'Winner'

I want to name my son, my eventual son, Winner. Okay this is along the same lines of naming him coach. It's an alpha name... who's gonna be like no I don't want to have winner on my team.

NFL critics who claim they stopped watching are actually still watching every Sunday

You know my favorite are the people on Twitter that say, I can no longer morally watch football. You are a fucking liar because I know you're fucking watching the Red Zone from 1 o'clock to 7 o'clock every fucking Sunday. You can't stop watching the NFL. You can't. Like it or not, it's here.

Magnus Ver Magnussen is the second greatest athlete ever behind only Barry Bonds

I don't think there's ever been an athlete that's better at what they do than Magnus [Ver Magnussen], with maybe the exception of Barry Bonds.

I would bet on Stephen A. Smith in a fight against LeBron James

I would put money on Stephen A. Smith in a fight against LeBron James.

Mitchell Trubisky should start immediately rather than sitting

Normally, you want to sit a rookie quarterback if he needs to fix his footwork or fix his throwing motion... But Trubisky's got good feet. He reacts to pressure well... I would play him so he can learn. He's got good accuracy. He's a good athlete. He's really poised. He can go through reads. And I'd happily take him as a starter.

Even in retirement, Jay Cutler is a better quarterback option than Josh McCown

I think I'd take Jay Cutler, even while retired Jay Cutler, because Josh McCown is, much like Ryan Fitzpatrick, he's one of these brilliant players who fits every system... but throws loads of interceptions, runs into every sack, and can't run any system.

Aaron Rodgers is the best quarterback in the NFL

Well, I think the obvious one is Aaron Rodgers... [His struggles were because] His wide receivers can't catch the ball. Davante Adams can't get open. Jordy Nelson couldn't move because he was coming off an ACL tear.

Philip Rivers had a better career than Tony Romo because he reached an AFC Championship game

Better career, probably Rivers, because he actually got to an AFC Championship game... Rivers is phenomenal at making the players work as designed... Romo was kind of great at playing outside of the system, outside of structure when the pocket broke down.

Getting a nipple ring is a clear signal that a man wants to get down and do weird stuff

I think he's actually happy this happened so that he could tweet it out, I lost my nipple ring during practice, because that's basically saying, hey, ladies, I fuck, and I do weird shit. A dude doesn't get a nipple ring unless he wants to get down.

A .10 BAC is the minimum threshold for an underage drinking citation to be considered cool

At least a .10. That's really the threshold right there. Come on, like .04? Would you use mouthwash that morning?

Everyone who attends a small liberal arts college secretly regrets not going to a big fun state school

I have yet to meet one person who went to a small school and didn't somewhat a little bit regret not going to a big fun state school. That's just a fact.

J.J. Watt's extreme health and diet routines are a cover to hide that he uses steroids

J.J. Watt doing a new health thing just to make pretend he's non-steroids. So last year it was like nine avocados a day or whatever... he was like sleeping in that bed in the middle of the day during Hard Knocks.

Mike Vick's dog training experience will help him as an NFL coaching intern

There are actually probably some lessons from [Mike Vick's] dog training days that he could directly apply to training athletes. He's going to keep his young quarterbacks on a short leash until they're trustworthy.

Pitching inside is the safest way to attack Aaron Judge

With those guys, like the big guys like [Aaron Judge], I think keeping the ball inside is safer because if you throw it out over the middle, there's the chance to hit it right back up the middle right at you. So keeping it inside and hope they put it on the ground.

Watching football is more dangerous than playing football because of binge drinking

I would even submit that watching football is more dangerous than playing football because when you're watching football, you're binge drinking. You're around buddies. You're more likely to get into a fight. You're more likely to puke, pee on yourself. You get all sorts of diseases from that.

There is nothing a woman can do to make a man happy after a football loss; he only needs a physical fight

I don't think that guys – there's really nothing that a girl can do to make a guy happy after his team loses a football game. The guy just needs to go out and get in a fight. So here's what you do. Just arrange a fight for him.

Kyrie Irving requesting a trade proves he is a 'beta' player

So Kyrie, not an alpha, right? ... Well, there you go. So that means he's not an alpha. Current beta. He's currently robbing LeBron James Batman. He's self-admitting that he's a beta. ... By asking for a trade, you're telling on yourself that you've been a beta for the last five years.

Telling a woman you've had a vasectomy is the ultimate pickup line

I can't think of a better pickup line, actually, than telling a woman, I'm physically incapable of getting you pregnant. ... That would get the panties dropped immediately. ... I might just lie and say I've got a vasectomy.

Visiting prostitutes should be an accepted and understood part of being a head coach in Mississippi

I'm of the mindset that if you're in Mississippi and you're a head coach, it should be understood that you will visit prostitutes. That should not be a fireable offense.

Floyd Mayweather is a 'small little boy' and that's why the media glosses over his past

Hey, Floyd's a little boy. That's why. He's a small little boy. He's not this big heavyweight guy that everybody's afraid of. He doesn't come across as a woman neither because he's a little guy.

McGregor only stands a chance against Mayweather if he can kick and use knees

McGregor have to be able to kick. ... He has to be able to kick and use his knees. ... [Otherwise] he's not going to stand much of a chance.

Prisons are dangerous because inmates aren't allowed to masturbate

That's why our prisons are so dangerous, because there's a bunch of guys that can't crank it. They just got testosterone going out their eyeballs.

I disagree with firing an SEC coach for seeing an escort in Tampa

I disagree with firing an SEC coach for going to see an escort, though, especially if it's in Tampa. That's home of that situation. That's a boys be boys situation.

Billionaires should pay for their own stadiums

It's unpopular to say it, but I think that billionaires should pay for their own fucking stadiums too, Bill [Simmons].

I call the Washington football team the Redskins, but I wouldn't cry if they changed the name

Chris, do you say the R words or do you say the Redskins? I say Redskins, but I wouldn't cry if they changed it. Not even a single tear?

Darren Rovell being 39 proves that if you're a narc in life, everyone assumes you're 15 years older than you actually are

The story was Darren Rovell is actually 39. He's Benjamin Button. Which is fucking crazy. It just proves that if you're a narc in life, everyone will just assume you're 15 years older than you are.

The Challenge is the fifth best sport in America

If we're talking about non-mainstream sports, that's The Challenge. It's the fifth best sport in all of America.

Colin Kaepernick has a 'Bob Ross thing' going on and the NFL wants a surgeon at quarterback, not an artist

Kaepernick's hair, he's got like a Bob Ross thing going on. The guy that was on Public Access, the painter guy. And if you want to be a quarterback, we don't want an artist, right? We want a surgeon.

NFL equipment managers might be the ones preventing teams from signing Colin Kaepernick because they don't have helmets big enough for his hair

Maybe it is actually the equipment guys who are telling these owners not to sign Colin Kaepernick because they're like, I don't think I have a helmet big enough for his hair.

The 'Player to be Named Later' in baseball trades is enticing because it sounds like they could be anyone, even a Hall of Famer

But the player to be named later, it sounds really enticing. It's like, that guy could be fucking awesome. Could be anyone. Yeah, could be a Hall of Famer.

Curling is chess on ice and is a perfect mix of brain and brawn

It's chess on ice. It's a perfect mix of brain and brawn, and yeah, it's fantastic. The sweeping is incredibly taxing.

Moms are the most important job because there would be no troops without them

It is the most important job that you can do. [Gun to my head] I'm going to go with moms come first. There would be no troops if it wasn't for moms.

Michael Jordan is better than LeBron James

[Gun to your head] I mean, you go with MJ.