PMT DB
PMT DB
The 2017 Takies with Rachel Nichols, Chris Long, and Mark Titus
The most prestigious night in sports media has finally arrived. The 2017 Takey Awards brought out the heavy hitters to celebrate the strongest, weirdest, and most boneheaded opinions of the past calendar year. Before the hardware started flying, Big Cat and PFT Commenter checked in on the juice being loose, reacting to OJ Simpson’s parole hearing and his potential future career as a blogger. PFT even theorized that OJ’s legal troubles might have been avoided if prisons just had a more relaxed policy regarding personal time.
PFT CommenterPrisons are dangerous because inmates aren't allowed to masturbate
That's why our prisons are so dangerous, because there's a bunch of guys that can't crank it. They just got testosterone going out their eyeballs.
Mount Rushmore of Old Takes and Childhood Delusions
To set the mood for an award show dedicated to takes, the crew did a Mount Rushmore of things they thought as kids or early professional blunders. Big Cat led the way with a confession about his early nutritional habits involving modeling clay.
Big CatI used to think my testicles were made of Play-Doh and eating more would make them bigger
My number one, I used to think that your testicles were Play-Doh. So I thought if you just ate more Play-Doh, you'd have bigger balls. I used to eat Play-Doh. For sure. I mean, it's kind of like the Bruce Arians drinking paint there. You got to try all things if you want to have bigger balls.
He also admitted to a deep-seated fear of seafood interfering with his aquatic abilities, which is a tough look for a self-proclaimed great swimmer.
Big CatIf you eat tuna fish before you go swimming, you will drown
The old wives' tale, if you eat tuna fish before you go swimming, you'll drown. I really, really thought that. I used to think it, for some reason, specifically tuna fish... basically it was mixing, you know. It makes no sense. You consume a fish to get better at swimming.
Not to be outdone, PFT revealed that he spent a solid two years of his life convinced he was a mythical forest creature simply based on his physical features.
PFT CommenterI genuinely thought I was an elf for two years because of my pointy ears
When I was a kid I actually I thought I was an elf for a while. Because I had pointy ears, right? They're super pointy. It was the pointy ears... this is all inside my own head. And I never told anybody about it. And then like two years later, I was like, oh, thank God, I guess I'm not an elf.
While the childhood stuff was gold, the actual sports takes were even more embarrassing in hindsight. Big Cat had to own up to his belief that Mark Trestman was a revolutionary hire for his beloved Bears.
Big CatMark Trestman was a smart hiring choice for the Chicago Bears
I said that the Bears thought outside the box when hiring Mark Trestman, and it will pay big dividends as they have one of the smartest coaches in the NFL now.
Hank rounded out the segment with his vision of a solitary life in the woods that would lead him to the Major Leagues, provided he had the right support staff.
HankI could make the pros in five years as a knuckleball pitcher with seclusion and a personal chef
I said if you put me in a cabin in the middle of the woods with a personal chef and a knuckleball specialist, I could be in the pros within five years. I think with some training, seclusion, and just a lot more training, I could make it to the double A's and then, you know, who knows what happens from there.
The Hardware: Take of the Year and Football Guys
The actual awards started hot with Bill Simmons taking home Take of the Year for his brave stance against public funding for stadiums. PFT was quick to agree, noting that it’s a take that really resonates with the common man.
PFT CommenterBillionaires should pay for their own stadiums
It's unpopular to say it, but I think that billionaires should pay for their own fucking stadiums too, Bill [Simmons].
Football Guy of the Year was a tight race between Jim Harbaugh and the legendary Coach O. While Harbaugh was promised the award during his interview, Ed Orgeron made a late push with a story involving live bait and motivational speaking that redefined the term "mouth-breather."
Big CatCoach Ed Orgeron once held a live worm in his mouth for an entire speech to fire up his team
Today, a story came out that Coach O had a live worm in his mouth for an entire speech to his team. He said it was just to fire up the team... He said, I do whatever it takes to feed my family. Whatever it takes to win, I'll do the same thing. He then, after that line, pulled out a wiggling worm from his mouth that he had had in his mouth the entire speech.
Guest Appearances and Fraud Alerts
Rachel Nichols stopped by to accept her award for Chick or Babe you'd like to have a beer with, though she pointed out that Big Cat and PFT are remarkably good at flaking on actual social invitations. She also dropped a truth bomb regarding the cultural impact of Lonzo Ball's debut.
Rachel NicholsLonzo Ball's Summer League introduction was the sixth most popular post in NBA Instagram history
The NBA made a press release today saying that of all the posts that the league has ever put on Instagram... that Lonzo being introduced at Summer League, when they put that up on IG... That's the sixth most popular thing they've ever put up.
Chris Long accepted the Lib of the Year award with grace, even looking ahead to a potential Super Bowl victory and the scheduling conflicts it might cause with a White House visit. He also clarified his stance on the Washington team name, proving he's a man of moderate conviction.
Chris LongI call the Washington football team the Redskins, but I wouldn't cry if they changed the name
Chris, do you say the R words or do you say the Redskins? I say Redskins, but I wouldn't cry if they changed it. Not even a single tear?
In perhaps the most controversial segment of the night, the guys handed out the Nyquist Award for Biggest Fraud. While many expected a human recipient, the guys set their sights much higher, exposing the sun for what it truly is: a giant, cold lie.
PFT CommenterThe sun is actually cold and is a big fraud
2017 is the year that we found out that the sun was a big fucking phony. The sun is not hot, and if you want any more proof, space is cold. How come it gets cold at the top of Mount Everest? ... Because there's hot magma underneath the earth as far away from the sun as possible.
Finally, the show wrapped up with the most important award of all: Podcast Listeners of the Year. After a brief scare where it looked like the Joe Rogan Experience might steal the crown, Big Cat and PFT confirmed that the PMT listeners are, and will always be, back-to-back award-winning champions.
Let's go for the three-peat next year.
