Takes

Once 2020 ends, everything will get back to normal and be perfect

Once 2020 ends, everything's going to get back to normal to be perfect. You think 2020 is going to run up the score on us?

Dan Wolken had the worst take of the year for laughing at LSU's hire of Ed Orgeron

Dan Wolken... tweeted in 2017: yesterday a college football coaches agent called me. He said LSU hired Ed Orgeron. We laughed for a few minutes. So good job, Dan that turned out to be the worst take ever. Who's laughing now bitch? Haha.

I will inject myself with coronavirus if they cancel March Madness

Right before 24 hours before they decided there was going to be no March Madness. I said I would inject myself with coronavirus if they cancel March Madness.

Clay Travis had the worst prediction of the year for saying COVID-19 deaths would not reach the thousands

Clay Travis... said I'd be surprised if we get into the thousands when talking about total coronavirus deaths in the U.S. however turns out he's actually right because there's 20 times more people that have been infected than not [sarcastic delivery].

Tom Brady's move to Tampa Bay is the only reason Rob Gronkowski returned from retirement

I think that the workload the Patriots wanted [Gronk] to do was higher than something at Tampa is going to have him do... if Tom Brady had stuck around in New England Rob Gronkowski probably still be retired.

The Washington Capitals run was a dynasty

The Washington Capitals. So the Caps year wins year of the year. Truly a magical run. A dynasty. Maybe the best hockey team of all time ever assembled. Great coaching, great executing, great fans.

Billionaires should pay for their own stadiums

It's unpopular to say it, but I think that billionaires should pay for their own fucking stadiums too, Bill [Simmons].

The sun is actually cold and is a big fraud

2017 is the year that we found out that the sun was a big fucking phony. The sun is not hot, and if you want any more proof, space is cold. How come it gets cold at the top of Mount Everest? ... Because there's hot magma underneath the earth as far away from the sun as possible.

Marlins Man claims he is the founder of All Lives Matter

Marlins Man claimed that he was the founder of All Lives Matter. He claimed he invented the phrase All Lives Matter.

I guarantee the Takie Awards will be a live show next year

Next year, it's going to be a live show. I'm actually guaranteeing that right now. I want to do it at Guy Fieri's restaurant, like in the back room.

Guy Fieri's food is the best food I've ever had

I'm a big Guy Fieri guy, so I feel like I can say this. The food was phenomenal. Best food I've ever had.

Media members and sports figures should physically fight to settle disputes

I think the media and sports figures should actually physically fight. That feels like something that would happen in maybe Argentina where a ref screws up and they're like, 'oh, we're going to kill you.' I'd like to see more accountability.

Hockey helmets have increased concussions because they evolved the human skull to be thinner

I actually think that helmets have done more to increase concussions in hockey than they've done to help because it's like evolution. It kicks in a little bit and your brain, your skull doesn't have to be as thick anymore. Like the way that we coddle these athletes, it's actually hurting them in the long term.

Adam Morrison has an apocalypse bunker with guns and food in Spokane

Adam Morrison is like an apocalypse-like guy who has – does he have like gold and cash and he's got a bunker? He's definitely fully equipped. He's got food, everything, if anything went down. He thinks something's going down with politics.

Stephen A. Smith would have successfully prosecuted O.J. Simpson

I actually don't disagree with Stephen A. Smith here... Because I actually do think he would have been able to put O.J. Simpson in jail. He is so exhausting as an arguer, as a person, that I think that the jury would have just said, 'you know what, just have Stephen A. Smith stop talking and we'll put [Simpson] in jail.'

The 'Car Stick' is a necessary invention for everyone who drops items between car seats

Simple, simple invention. Everyone needs it. Just a little skinny stick that you can, like, it, like, would go stick up from the side of your car. And when shit gets stuck in between your seats, just grab the stick and it fishes it right out of there.