PMT DB
PMT DB
The 2023 Takie Awards: Blake of the Year and the Year of the Loser
The most magical night in sports is finally back. Big Cat and PFT Commenter suited up for the 2023 Takie Awards, and while the guys realized that holding an award show in the middle of July is logically confusing, the energy was high as they prepared to crown the best (and worst) of the year. The stakes were particularly high for the Award-Winning Listeners, who were looking to extend their dynasty to an unprecedented eight-peat.
PFT CommenterThe AWLs' dominance of the podcast industry might actually be a bad thing
Are the [AWLs] bad for podcast listeners? It might be. So there are 28, I believe, Awards we're giving out tonight.
Before the trophies started flying, Big Cat started looking toward the future. With the 10th anniversary of the Takies on the horizon, the plans are already becoming legendary.
Big CatWe will host the 10th annual Takie Awards as a live show in Las Vegas
10 Takie. We gotta... do a live show. 10th Takie Vegas. What if we did a live show in Vegas? Sold it out. Took that money, put it on red. That would be fun responsibly.
The Best of the Worst
The categories were as irreverent as ever. Elon Musk took home Two Online Person of the Year, mostly for spending $44 billion just to troll people more effectively. Meanwhile, Joe Biden secured Fall of the Year for his multiple battles with gravity, including the infamous bicycle incident and the Air Force commencement stumble. Big Cat wasn't hearing any excuses about sandbags or age.
Big CatIt is fair to laugh at the President when they fall because walking is a basic human skill
Walking is one of the first things we learned to do. Someone's like, would you make fun of your grandmother if she fell? I was like, well my grandmother's dead and she's not the president. You kind of sign up to get made fun of by becoming president when you fall.
In the more prestigious categories, the drama was palpable. Chiefs Aholic won Criminal of the Year, a victory celebrated by Billy Football, who leaned heavily into the outlaw mythology of the mask-wearing, bank-robbing superfan.
Billy FootballChiefs Aholic is the last outlaw of the West
Chiefs Aholic is really the last outlaw of the West. Roaming from Kansas City to Oklahoma, even to Arizona for the Super Bowl on leave. He did not report to court. And he's probably down in Mexico like many outlaws before him. You know, embodying the spirit of those like Josie Wales, Wild Bill Hickok.
The Year of the Loser
Perhaps the most competitive category was Loser of the Year. While Big Cat and Hank had strong cases, nobody could touch Max. From the Phillies getting no-hit in the World Series to the Eagles blowing a double-digit lead in the Super Bowl, Max’s year was a masterclass in pain. Despite the soul patch and the $6,000 lost on a bet, Max remained delusionally optimistic about his future.
MaxMy career at PMT will eventually become a legendary redemption hero story
I will win one and it'll be a real redemption hero story for the ages. I'm sure people are gonna be writing novels about me.
Blake of the Year 2023
The main event lived up to the hype. Blake Bortles, Blake Griffin, and Brooks Koepka joined the show from four different time zones for a grueling three-round battle. Brooks, fresh off his PGA Championship win, tried to argue that his Masters collapse was actually a tactical move to improve his Blake credentials.
Brooks KoepkaI blew the lead at the Masters because Blakes don't win anything
I decided to blow the lead at the Masters because Blakes don't win anything. Right? Yep. So I figured that that was my way in, unfortunately, a couple weeks before I won [the PGA], but yeah, I figured that was... Blakes haven't won anything.
After a round of rhymes and trivia, the contest went to the lottery machine. In a stunning display of destiny, Blake Bortles pulled away to win his third title, solidifying himself as the GOAT of the category. Big Cat is already planning to raise the bar for next year's competition.
Big CatThe 2024 Blake of the Year will be an in-person event featuring a golf scramble
Next year we're getting everyone together... no more Zoom. And we'll figure out a way to do a in-person Blake of the Year... We'll do a five-man scramble versus Brooks.
Future Takes
To wrap up the festivities, the cast dropped their boldest predictions for the coming year. Hank is betting on the next generation of the Woods dynasty, while PFT went with a scorched-earth prediction regarding the LPGA and Saudi investment.
HankCharlie Woods will start his own professional golf league
Tiger Woods' [son] Charlie is gonna start his own golf league. A professional golf league. Outside. That's why he has him a commenting.
PFT CommenterMohammed bin Salman will buy the LPGA and ban drivers for women
I'm just gonna say that Mohammed bin Salman is gonna buy the LPGA and the women aren't gonna be allowed to use drivers anymore.
Big Cat, ever the chaos agent, predicted a reunion between the Washington Commanders and their former owner that would likely send PFT into a permanent Darkness Retreat.
Big CatDan Snyder will rebuy the Washington Commanders
My other one is Dan Snyder's gonna rebuy the Washington Commanders. Wouldn't that be the funniest thing ever? There's no chance that happens.
Hopefully the AWLs enjoy their eighth straight win, because it’s a long way to the 10th anniversary in Vegas.
