Takes

I am officially off the James Harden train because of his playing style and Kinesio tape

I just want to say I am officially off the James Harden train. I can't stand that guy. It's the kinesio tape. It's also how he wears his shorts. And it's the thing that he does where he's coming off a screen and he acts like he was shooting the ball at half court the whole time.

The Bulls' failure to adjust against the Celtics is embarrassing and lazy coaching

Wade said Bulls didn't make adjustments between game three and four because they just played low energy and didn't need a new game plan. They then lost game four. So Fred Hoiberg just like, yeah, you know what, guys? Low energy, I'm not going to coach. ... Fuck that.

The NBA first round this year has been far superior to the NHL first round

The NBA first round this year has been far superior to the NHL first round. I know there's been a lot of overtime games, but like you said, there's no Game 7s. And the NBA feels like... last year was really bad. This year, there have been some really compelling stories, and we have a lot of fights going on.

Russell Westbrook is ruining the Oklahoma City Thunder

The answer to both questions is yes [is Westbrook ruining the Thunder]. Russ needs to respect the biz.

Tim Duncan is the least charismatic superstar in the history of sports

The Spurs built this entire dynasty on the least charismatic superstar of all time in Tim Duncan. And then Tim Duncan had a baby and basically told the baby, don't ever speak or show any emotion.

A sports dynasty requires at least three championships in one era

The rule I said, I threw out there was you have to have at least three championships in your Dynasty era. Two, that's a really good team. Three, you can now claim Dynasty.

The 1990s Atlanta Braves are a dynasty with an asterisk because they only won one World Series

The exception to this rule is if you play in a conference that you dominate for a long time but then keep getting your ass kicked in the finals. So I'll give you an example. I would say the Atlanta Braves 1990s team is a dynasty with an asterisk on it.

NFL Network should launch a second channel that just displays a Manning face at all times

NFL Network should do NFL Network 2, which I'm sure they will eventually, and just have it be a Manning face at all times. Just Manning faces.

NFL mock drafts 5.0 and 6.0 are entirely made of smokescreens

When mock draft 5.0 and 6.0s are coming out, those are actually all smokescreens, too, because all the NFL personnel people that talk to the guys doing the mock drafts, they're telling them lies the whole time.

I was a better prospect than the players drafted ahead of me in the 2005 NFL Draft

I saw guys coming off the board in front of me that i knew i was better than and i got upset and i was pissed. ... first-round talent on the field. Undrafted baggage off the field.

Turf toe is the worst injury you can ever have

I'll say this turf toe is the worst injury you can ever have in your life.

The Chicago Bulls should give everyone on the team a contract extension because they were up 2-0 against the Celtics

I say stay the course. Maybe a contract extension. Give everybody an extension. They were going to beat the No. 1 seed.

I hate the hockey handshake line because people talk about it too much

The handshake line is one of those things that I didn't want to hate, but people talk about it so much that I have to hate it.

LeBron James feels scripted and forced compared to the cool cockiness of Michael Jordan

I respect [LeBron] as an athlete... I just feel like he's a little scripted. Everything he does is calculated where I feel like people compare him to Jordan where I'm like, Jordan was so much cooler. He just carried that cool cockiness where I feel like, it's forced by LeBron.

Running backs are better when they are dumb because they don't feel pain

If you're a running back, guess what? I like my running backs dumb. They're better when they're dumb. There's a reason Barry Sanders retired early, and Emmitt Smith got the record, because Barry started realizing... When you're smarter, you can tell when your body's hurt, and then you're like, hey, I better not play football anymore. When you're dumb, you don't feel pain.

Oakland is a bad sports town

Oakland's a bad sports town. Derek Carr said that fans that don't follow the Oakland Raiders to Las Vegas aren't good fans. ... You have to admit that he's right. ... Oakland has... a big enough sense entitlement as it is. ... Oakland come on get your shit together.

LeBron James should be in the GOAT conversation with Michael Jordan

I'm one of these guys who says that LeBron should be in the conversation with Jordan. ... Michael Jordan, probably the best NBA player of all time... but [LeBron] should be in the conversation.

Offensive linemen who don't wear sleeves in the cold are tougher than the ones who do

My favorite sabermetric stat is offensive linemen that don't wear sleeves are tougher than the ones that do. Especially in the cold weather. If you wear sleeves, you're a pussy.

The San Antonio River Walk is overrated and trashy

They are very proud of Alamo and a river that has trash in it. ... The river walk's overrated. ... Every building is gray and it's never sunny.

LeBron James has a fake Instagram account for creeping on people

LeBron said that Coachella looked fun, but LeBron isn't on any social media. ... ZeroDark3023. So no Twitter, no Instagram, but Coachella looked fun. ... LeBron James has a Finstagram out there that he uses to creep on people. He has a fake Instagram. ... Shocker. LeBron James, not on social media, but says that Coachella looked fun. Hmm.

A block is the new dunk in basketball

Quick embrace debate: is a block the new dunk? [PFT: Yes. I think so, too.] I do think that the way [Draymond Green] was blocking guys, that was better than more momentum than a huge ruckus dunk.

It is okay to be a fair-weather fan

My who's back of the week is fairweather fans... I think it's okay to be a Fairweather fan. I don't like the people that come out of the woodwork being like, oh, you only cheers for the Bruins in the playoffs.

LeBron James has never actually read The Godfather book

You read the Godfather book for the 7,000th time in a row, even though I don't think you ever read it the first time.

Improvement in pitchers is less suspicious than hitters developing late-career power

With pitchers, pitching is such a funny thing that I kind of am not suspicious when a pitcher all of a sudden gets good... But for a hitter to suddenly develop power... It's definitely weird to see guys improving at age 36.

Jimmy Butler is a slightly better player than Paul George

I think [Jimmy] Butler is a pinch better [than Paul George].

NBA bench depth beyond the 8th man doesn't matter in the playoffs

The [ten-man depth] does not matter. I'm a big believer in the seven and eight teams. ... If none of these ten guys can beat LeBron, what the hell does it matter?

Soccer needs scandals like the Kardashians or star players fighting fans to blow up in America

I really do think, though, that soccer, if soccer wants to blow up in America, they need to start just doing the things that are classic American sports. Someone needs to date a Kardashian. Someone needs to maybe tweet a picture of their penis by accident. Go into the stands and fight a guy.

Crying about sports is the most manly thing a man can do

Crying about sports is the most manly thing that you can do... why not like grown men cry? That's OK. We can accept it.

Overtime hockey is the worst experience in sports when your team is playing

You know what else is bad is overtime hockey when your team is in it. If another person's team is in it, it's great... But when it's your team, you just want to eat a gun.

Bill Belichick missing a court subpoena is the ultimate 'baller' move

He was subpoenaed during the Aaron Hernandez double murder trial, and he just didn't show up in court... That's genius. That's Belichick just being a baller... He treated it like he had a late movie to Blockbuster, not a fucking murder trial subpoena.

The internet is too cynical about new jerseys and the Lions' grays aren't that bad

I think they're fine. I think they're good. This is what the internet does. They just release something and then everyone says that's awful and then everyone just jumps on it. The grays don't look that bad.

The internet's cynical reaction to the Lions' new uniforms is overblown

The internet is so cynical all the time that it's like they literally are the same uniforms as the old uniforms. They just have a William Clay Ford tribute on them... You've got to save good jokes for times when they're worth it.

Coachella is just Burning Man for millennial social media kids

It's burning man for millennial social media kids because... I look on Instagram and it's like all these very attractive young ladies like, oh, can't wait for Coachella. And I'm just thinking, you're not a music festival person. You're not going to go tent for three days and live in shit.

Indianapolis is the true 'Barstool America' because it's stereotypical heartland

We Oxford Dictionary-ed what America is. Stereotypically American was the answer, and I said, well, I think that's more like everything I do in my life... I'm all about the heartland here. And even New York City, boy, has grown on me... but when I got here, I really thought I was in foreign land.

Buffalo Wild Wings is making a comeback with larger wings

Their wings got bad there for a little while. They're coming back, though. The wings are good. They got bigger wings.

Having 15 bridesmaids in a wedding is ridiculous and impossible

I think anytime you reach double digits, it's like, holy shit, what's going on here? ... Nobody has that many friends. If you have 12 people in your wedding, that means that either you're just trying way too hard to please people or it just means that you're rich and all your friends are using you for your money.

Swallowing dip spit is significantly worse than drinking pee

I would... I would beer bong three solid urination trips over taking one sip of dip, spit, and swallowing.

You have to suck for a long time before you are allowed to be good in the NBA

I'm a big pay your dues guy. So I can appreciate that. You have to suck for a while before you're allowed to be good at it. Those are the rules. It took Jesus like 30 years before he started washing whores' feet and making miracles. You got to pay your dues. You got to go out there. You got to be a carpenter for a while before you can be a messiah.

Chris Paul's legacy will be as the best point guard in the league who also liked to punch people in the balls

His [Chris Paul's] legacy is going to be like, when he was healthy, he was the best point guard in the league and also liked to punch people in the balls.

Betting over/unders in NHL playoffs is the biggest rush in gambling due to empty netters

My favorite part about the NHL playoffs is betting the over-unders. There's no bigger rush in gambling than the last minute empty netters.

Atlanta is primarily a college football town rather than a pro sports town

It is a football town. I mean, you know, it's more of a college football state it really is... Saturdays in the fall are all about them dogs. That's by Alabama, the University of Georgia.

I wouldn't be opposed to the NBA shortening the 82-game regular season

Well, I wouldn't be opposed to shortening it [the NBA season] a little bit. I think the bigger issue of rest and all that is what you have to address first.

United Airlines should fix its PR by making people horny with porn links

If you make us horny, guess what? We're not angry anymore... Just tweet out porn. Be like, hey, it's now being reported that this guy was a porn freak or something. Be like, hey, you know who else was a porn freak? United. And then just start giving us free links.

Tony Romo's legacy is taking a hit because he looks unathletic and has man breasts

Tony Romo's legacy is taking a hit from this because, one, he looks super unathletic. Two, part of that is I now see that he has man breasts.

Tony Romo is a coward if he doesn't check into the Mavericks game

I'd just like to say that if Tony Romo doesn't play, if he doesn't choose coach out to get in that game, he's a coward. Doesn't love the game.

Jordan Spieth should keep losing The Masters so he doesn't have to take his hat off and show he's balding

When you don't win the Masters, you don't have to take off your hat and show everyone that you're 23 years old and already balding... Like, until you get the hair plugs, until you're ready to take the leap and get the hair plugs, maybe just keep losing Masters so you don't have to take the hat off.

The Masters weekend is the best nap weekend of the year

The Masters weekend is the best nap weekend of the year, in my opinion... instead of like a phone sex hotline for dads there should just be a nap hotline where they 1-900 big naps it's just the Masters music and Jim Nantz saying hello friends.

The display of sportsmanship between Sergio Garcia and Justin Rose at The Masters was sickening and gross

Sergio and Justin Rose coming down the last few holes, they were rooting for each other almost to a sickening point. They were high-fiving each other. They were basically cheering each other on. It was gross. It was like Little League Baseball. Like, where everyone gets to play and, like, everyone has to say, like, the scouts honor after. It was gross.

Hockey playoffs in Canada are higher stakes because they have nothing else

Hockey playoffs in Canada, that crowd, I mean, it's basically like live or die because they don't have anything else. Usually die, though. It's Drake and the Raptors losing in the first round. That's the only two things that Toronto has.

The Knicks plus 12.5 against the Grizzlies was the worst gambling beat of all time

The Knicks were plus 12.5 against the Grizzlies. The game was over. The Knicks were down 10. They were covering. The Grizzlies were just dribbling the ball out. And then with, like, three seconds left, the Grizzlies player threw up a 40-footer just as, like, kind of a fun shot as time expired. Nothing but net. They won by 13.