Takes

Wins and losses should not be considered a quarterback stat

I don't think wins and losses are a quarterback stat. I don't believe in that... Teams win games. Teams win championships. It's not Tom [Brady]. It's not Malcolm [Butler]. The Patriots won that game.

The Dunk Contest is boring because there are a finite amount of body positions possible

It's not like the dunks aren't super impressive. It's just that we've seen every dunk. It's like watching porn. There's a finite amount of body positions that the human form can get into. Eventually, you just get bored with it.

Carmelo Anthony's legacy is choosing the most money over winning championships

Thoughts and prayers to the man [Carmelo Anthony] who has taken every single dollar at every turn in his career instead of maybe trying to win a championship... He took the most amount of money to stay in the dumpster fire that is New York. That's kind of your situation, Melo.

Mark Cuban would be a disaster as President of the United States

I think [Mark Cuban] is just doing 46 because he wants to be the 46th president... He would be a disaster.

Baseball players' stupidity has become a charming part of the sport

I love how baseball players, it's become charming how stupid they are. I mean, it's just really, they're just a bunch of stupid people and everyone says, 'Oh, isn't this so funny?'

Jesse Owens should have killed Adolf Hitler at the 1936 Olympics

My Adele do-over is I think that Jesse Owens should have killed Hitler at the 1936 Olympics. Big Jimbo on his part, not taking out the hit stick. We say that Jesse Owens is like one of the greatest Americans, but in reality, he has the deaths of millions on his hands.

The Soviet Union would have won the Cold War if they had beaten the US in the 1980 'Miracle on Ice' hockey game

I have two. One is a historical one with the Russians, which they had to do over in 1980. They would have won the Cold War if they won that hockey game. People forget that that was not the gold medal game, though. That was the semifinals.

Kobe Bryant failed in his attempt to copy Michael Jordan's entire career

Do you ever sit back and you are like, damn, Kobe Bryant tried to copy everything Michael Jordan did and he totally failed?

Magic Johnson is the greatest basketball player and the number one Laker of all time

Magic Johnson. Without a doubt. He's the number one basketball... him and Larry Bird, they are the NBA. Magic and Bird put NBA in prime time.

The NFL should build stadiums for teams so they don't have to move

They should stay. The NFL should build them a stadium. I mean, damn, the NFL making all this money, man. Build your teams a stadium so they don't have to move. Try that. They're making billions and they want taxpayers to pay for it.

The Chargers and Clippers are garbage and Los Angeles doesn't want them

San Diego, keep your teams, man. Keep your garbage. First you sent us the Clippers. Now we got the Chargers. You know what I mean? It sucks, man. Who want them?

Customer service lines intentionally disconnect you when transferring to customer relations

Then when you start to talk about why you're calling, you know what happens? They'll say, oh, we're in the sales department. We're going to transfer you over to Customer relations, and then what do you think happens? You get disconnected. I've lived through this.

Autoplay videos are good because they remind you to close old browser tabs

I keep tabs open, about eight tabs at a time, and most of the tabs are open for about six hours. If you have an autoplay video that starts after three hours of me being on that website—it reminds me to close out the tab.

Donald Trump not filling out a March Madness bracket is the most treasonous thing a person could do

Trump has said that he's not filling out a bracket for March Madness. Not filling out a bracket is probably the most treasonous thing you could do. I agree. I think that this could be what flips some Republicans.

UConn's women's basketball team wins so much because they sync up their periods and bond

I actually think that if this game were being played 300 years ago, they would be accused of being witches... Nobody has ever won 100 games until these women, but I think it's because men's teams don't have periods that they can sync up. Same wavelength. That's why women are able to become better teammates than men because the entire team gets on their [period]. They get to basically do trust falls six or seven times a season when they're all on their periods together. It's a bonding experience.

Luke Walton was a better coach for the Golden State Warriors than Steve Kerr

I would actually say [the Warriors are] Luke Walton's team. People forget he was their coach in the first half last year. They were a lot better then.

Austin Rivers is the guy whose 'mans' it is for the Clippers because of his dad

Austin Rivers. His dad is the coach and the GM. That's a good call. Austin Rivers, no one likes the coach's son.

It is dumb that the Montreal Canadiens will only hire coaches who speak French

Part of it goes into this foolish, I don't even know what to call it, that the Canadiens will only hire—you have to speak French to coach the Canadiens, which is so dumb. If you're going to win a Stanley Cup, I don't know why you have to—it doesn't matter what you speak.

Paul Tagliabue is the smartest person in the world for making Roger Goodell his concussion scapegoat

Paul Tagliabue basically said, I've known about concussions forever, but I kind of don't want to be asked about this anymore. So here, Roger Goodell, you look stupid enough to take this job and have everyone come at you and hate you. And that's exactly what happened. So he's actually the smartest person in the world.

I actually thought the boos for Kevin Durant's return to Oklahoma City weren't loud enough

I actually thought the boos [for Kevin Durant's return to Oklahoma City] weren't loud enough. [Durant] said, 'I thought that they'd be louder.' Kind of a little twist in the knife there.

Kevin Durant is the most coddled star in the NBA and has received significantly less backlash than LeBron James did

[Kevin Durant]'s been the most coddled star out there. I mean, LeBron got killed for not winning a title in Cleveland the first go-around, and basically killed for going to Miami and all that stuff. Kevin Durant got a little bit of backlash, but for the most part, he's supposed to be one of the top three players in the league, and he hasn't won a title.

Russell Westbrook would 100% win a fight against Kevin Durant because he would just bite him to death

[In a fight between Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook, I'd take] Westbrook, 100%. Just purely because of his anger. He's just angry. I think he would just use his teeth. He would just bite Kevin Durant to death.

'Smooth' by Matchbox 20 and Santana deserves a Lifetime Achievement Award

Can we get a Lifetime Achievement Award for Matchbox 20 and Rob Thomas doing 'Smooth' with Carlos Santana? You never hear about Lifetime Achievement Awards for a song. But if there is one, it should absolutely go to 'Smooth'. That song took over a whole summer. Every single time that there's a national sporting event on TV, you can count on 'Smooth' to be one of the transition songs.

I would beat Mike Greenberg in tennis if my life was on the line

If my life was depending on it, I would practice enough and do enough to beat him because I knew my life was on it. [Greeny] can't even play his one little nerd sport better than [me]. He's probably better than me at all, but in that given situation, not only would I try and beat him, the best way to do it would be try and somehow hurt him during the match so he couldn't finish.

Rajon Rondo passes up easy layups specifically to hunt for assists

You know what Rondo does that's so fucking annoying? Everything, but he also loves, loves, loves to pass up super easy layups just to get assists. He's the worst with that. He did that today when the Bulls got smoked by the Wolves. He was ready to go for a layup, and then he passed it for a three-pointer. Dude, just fucking shoot the layup. Stop trying to get assists.

The UConn women's basketball winning streak is bad for the sport

Is UConn women's basketball bad for the sport? Because they're about to get 100 wins in a row. Love it. So we're getting that conversation back. Can they beat Alabama? Going right back into the swing of things in sports.

CeeLo Green's gold robot costume at the Grammys was a PR stunt to make people forget his legal allegations

CeeLo Green showed up dressed as one of those gold robots... a little PR 101. Get everyone to forget that you may allegedly have date raped some people by dressing up like a robot.

James Dolan planted security to get Charles Oakley banned from MSG

I think it's James Dolan continues to disrespect the Garden by putting out awful teams and not caring. And I think, stay woke, that was all a plant to get him [Oakley] banned from the Garden forever because if you noticed, it was security guards all around him. He got mad because I think that's just Charles Oakley's resting heartbeat.

Disrespecting Madison Square Garden should be a hate crime

If you disrespect the Garden, it should be a hate crime. There are certain places that, as an American, it's like Madison Square Garden, Lambeau Field, the gym where they filmed Hoosiers. If you disrespect those places, it's a hate crime.

Kevin Garnett is a fake tough guy

Kevin Garnett always struck me as a semi-fake tough guy. His routine was head-butting himself to get pumped up. That's a fake tough guy move. Like punching walls and stuff, that's a fake tough guy move.

Bill Laimbeer would absolutely beat up Kevin Garnett

You think Bill Laimbeer would beat up Kevin Garnett? Yes, absolutely. ... Kevin Garnett, though, isn't really human. So I don't know if he counts in this because he's an alien that was put on Earth to fire people up.

The 2016 New England Patriots are the toughest team of all time

Honestly, not to be too serious for a second, but I really do think I just played on the toughest team of all time. The guys in that locker room literally didn't flinch. I knew I was like I'm a human being, I'll admit it, I was like golly, I got some doubts right now... but guys were like walking in going we're about to make the biggest comeback in Super Bowl history.

Bill Belichick is the greatest coach of all time

I do think he's the greatest coach of all time. And, you know, any curve ball you get on Super Bowl Sunday, you might think it's, the hill's too steep, but, you know, guys were just conditioned to be able to go out there, hit the curve ball, keep rolling.

Tom Brady has definitely heard the Pardon My Take podcast

Tom's definitely heard you guys. Statistically, I mean, statistically speaking, there's not that many people who haven't. So Hank, if you're listening, [Tom] knows exactly who you are.

The United States would not exist if it weren't for autograph seekers like the Founding Fathers

I have a soft spot for autograph seekers. I want to tell them a little story about 56 men who were autograph seekers. ... They met in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, and their names were John Hancock and a bunch of other guys. They were just being guys, and they were autograph seekers. They collected 56 of those suckers, and they sent them to the king. And without that, we would not have a country.

Mike Tirico replacing Bob Costas is a win for white media members

NBC announced that Bob Costas is handing over Olympic duty to Mike Tirico. And if you remember, Mike Tirico is a white guy, as he said. ... As a white guy, I'm happy that Bob Costas is passing off the Olympic coverage to another white guy. It's good to see the white guys keep their jobs in the media business.

The Green Bay Packers are idiots for charging their shareholders for new certificate artwork every year

The team I bought [a shareholder certificate] from, they keep producing new artwork every year and charging me more money every single year even though my shares don't actually mean anything. It's actually the Packers. Packers are doing that to their shareholders. They're fucking stupid idiots.

Mark Wahlberg used his sick kid as an excuse to leave the Super Bowl early

That is an unbelievable story, the fact that he got exposed for leaving early and then threw his kid out there. ... The blame aspect is really strong in that.

One of the only benefits of having children is being able to use them as an excuse to avoid events

That is like one of the only pluses to having children... is to basically be able to blame. I can't go to this because my kid is sick or I can't go to this. I got to put the kid down. It's like getting a dog. ... I got to walk my dog. I can't be over here.

Isaiah Thomas is in the 'Jimmy Butler zone' of being good, but not great

I think that Isaiah Thomas is firmly in my Jimmy Butler zone. ... Good, not great.

The movie 'Airplane!' is likely the source of most people's 'first boob' because of its PG rating

I think that Airplane! has got to be up there because it's comedy. It's a PG, and you get people like our age that liked it when we were kids. They let their kids see it, and they forget that there's a boob in it. But there's two boobs, the same woman.

The Falcons lost Super Bowl 51 more than the Patriots won it

Maybe the biggest thing that we're going to talk about is, did the Patriots win this game or did the Falcons lose it? Ooh, I think they lost it. I think the Falcons lost it.

Kyle Shanahan was too focused on his new head coaching job with the 49ers during the Super Bowl

Kyle Shanahan, was he too focused on his new job? Absolutely. Yes. His mind was on West Coast time. No doubt.

Roger Goodell is back after taking his medicine from Patriots fans

The boos that were rained down on Roger Goodell... He stood up there. He overdosed on his medicine. I think he's back. I think it's now fair's fair.

David Stern was a worse commissioner than Roger Goodell

Which commissioner do you think has done a worse job, Roger Goodell or David Stern when he got into that beef with you? Yeah, that's going to be a tough call... David Stern. Yeah, Stern was not happy with me that day. He was not happy with me asking him something that I've probably asked him 20 times before. [The frozen envelope].

Michael Jordan is better than LeBron James because he has the clutch gene

LeBron is a fraud. He's a hot fraud. Michael Jordan's all that. He's an all that guy. Get your 32, 11, 6, bank it. More importantly, clutch gene.

Lady Gaga's Super Bowl halftime performance was stellar

Lady Gaga's halftime performance, which was stellar, by the way. Anyone who hated that, get out of my face. Stop listening to this show.

Mark Wahlberg leaving the Super Bowl early was a bad move

Marky Mark, Miami Heat fan slash New England Patriot fan. Left in, what, like 10 minutes left in the fourth quarter? Yeah, he left really early... how about you respect your favorite player, I assume, Tom Brady, and his ability to come back in a game. That's a bad look... that was a fucked up move for you to leave.

Roger Goodell is being negligent by not knowing Barstool since they've been 'threatening his life'

[Roger Goodell] said he had never heard of Barstool Sports before. I believe him, yo. Which is bullshit. And as Dave and Hank mentioned, he's being negligent if he doesn't know who Barstool is because they were the ones that have been threatening his life. Allegedly. Through his own ignorance, he's actually putting the entire NFL in harm's way by not making sure that he takes all the precautions to stay alive.

The Falcons take some luster off the Super Bowl because they haven't won anything yet

It feels, maybe it's the Falcons, and the Falcons forever will be kind of a fake team, and I don't mean that, no offense to Falcons fans, but that's just, they have to win something, right? No, but they have to win something to be, that's just how it works, right? So the Falcons definitely take a little luster off the Super Bowl.