Takes

Luke Willson would not work well in Bill Belichick's system

I don't think the Belichick system would work too well with him [Luke Willson].

Nick Saban definitely uses the internet and is lying about it

I think he does have all those things... I just feel like that's a guy who has the internet who's ashamed of having the internet... he always says rat poison... how does he find this stuff out if he doesn't have the internet?

If you appear on a screen for your job, you should be allowed to use steroids

My new rule is if in the course of your profession, you appear on a screen, you should be allowed to use steroids. That's a fair... It should be legal... If you appear on a screen in your job, just go ahead and shoot up whatever you want.

Crime reports should always include which sports team the criminal supports

Every time a crime's committed in America, every time there's a report about it in the news, they should just say what teams the people who committed the crimes liked. That'd be great. ... It just adds like a little bit of levity to every headline that you get. Like Steelers fan murdered his whole family. ... Classic Steelers. So funny.

Jim Harbaugh's parents rooted for John in the Super Bowl because Jim would be unbearable with a ring

I bet you his parents were rooting for John to win that Super Bowl. Because Jim Harbaugh with a Super Bowl ring over John would be unbearable at any family gathering from that point on. He would wear it every Thanksgiving.

Not having sex is actually better than having sex because there's more time to think about it

I actually disagree with this [study]. Not having sex kind of rules. You don't have to worry about doing anything. If you don't have sex, there's more time to think about having sex.

LeBron's leadership and teammates calling Tristan Thompson 'Tris Kardashian' caused his breakup with Khloe

LeBron's leadership... people on the team were calling him Tris Kardashian, and you can't have that sort of fraction in the locker room. [LeBron's] crime syndicate is to blame for this.

Robert Griffin III looks hilarious when he gets injured

I'm just going to say it... Robert Griffin looks hilarious when he gets injured. The dude is like, he's all arms and legs. He looks like Stretch Armstrong. Even when he's not getting injured, he looks like he's about to get injured. His body is shaped like an asterisk.

CBS firing Mike Carey because of internet meanness sets a terrible precedent

But what CBS has done here is it sets a terrible precedent. Yes. Because if you cave into the Internet once, oh, boy, that's a lot of power that you're giving... CBS basically said we can get anyone on their staff fired.

Nick Saban is a spiteful, vindictive, irrational baby of a man

So you're saying that Nick Saban is a spiteful, vindictive, irrational baby of a man? You think? No doy. I like that this guy actually thought like he was going to just tell Nick Saban he's quitting. And Nick would be like, you know what? Best of luck to you, man.

You don't give Nick Saban a two-week notice; you sneak out in the middle of the night and tweet that you're leaving

You don't put in a two weeks notice at Alabama. That's a move where you slip the janitor 50 bucks to get in in the middle of the night and you just take all your shit out and then you tweet the fact that you're leaving to Nick Saban. That's how you leave.

Tim Tebow bringing a flatlining man back to life is an 'abortion to death'

If you bring a guy back from death... isn't that giving an abortion to death? It's the equivalent, right? So he's an anti-abortion guy, but he's over here... Death's got a bun in the oven in the third trimester, and Tebow's got the shop vac out.

The NBA suspended Draymond Green specifically to extend the Finals for ratings

Former NBA referee Tim Donaghy says that the NBA suspended Draymond Green to try to extend the series to get higher ratings and more money. You think? No, duh.

It is worth breaking your elbow to save your phone from falling on the ground

[Darren McFadden] got [injured] trying to grab his phone because he dropped his phone. That's worth breaking your elbow for. Anyone who's broken their phone before knows if I put in front of you elbow or phone, you're taking elbow over phone all day.