Takes

J.J. Watt will never actually come on the show

If I'm putting money on it, I'm saying that he's not going to come on the show and that he's just doing this as a one-time thing to try to get a brief amount of credit but not really following up on it.

There is a 42% chance J.J. Watt will eventually appear on Pardon My Take

I'll split the difference. I'm going to say there's like a—I guess it wouldn't be splitting the difference, but 42% chance he's going to come on.

The Big Ten hasn't been truly relevant in basketball since 2000

Midwestern people in general, we like to shit on ourselves and our situations... we know we're terrible. We haven't won a title since 2000. Every single program in the Big Ten is lost in the national championship. It's like the most devastating thing.

Tom Izzo is the only blue blood coach who gets a free pass from criticism

He's like the only blue blood coach who gets a free pass by everybody. Like he's just universally beloved. Everyone hates how [Coach K] is stuck up. Bill Self, people think he's a joker. Calipari is a sleazeball. Pitino is a sleazeball... Everyone has shitty things to say about every coach at a big-time program except Izzo.

Buddy Hield is essentially J.J. Redick in the NBA

I think he's going to be a good pro... He can average 15 a game in the league, but... he doesn't seem that much better than J.J. Redick was though. I think Buddy will be good... but I don't know if I'd take him third.

Ryan Spangler (Oklahoma) wins the 'Pitsnoggle Award' for the worst tattoo in college basketball

This dude [Ryan Spangler] has probably the worst tattoo that I've seen this year in college basketball on his shoulder. It's like a massive tribal design that I don't think he even knows what it is. I feel like there needs to be an award every year... name it after like Kevin Pittsnogle... The Pittsnogle Award for the shittiest college tattoo. I think, without a doubt, this year Spangler's got it.

The 2015 Villanova team was better than the 2016 Final Four team

I think last year's [Villanova] team beats this year's team... They don't have Pinkston or Hilliard now. Just to me, they're the same team, they just lost two seniors who were great.

Villanova will win the National Championship

I'm going to have UNC and Nova in the final. I'm going to give it to Nova. I'm going to say Nova is just going to find a way. The ghost of Rollie Massimino, even though he's not dead. I feel like we could get that going, too.

It is weird that Grant Hill calls Bill Raftery 'Coach' when Raftery hasn't coached in 35 years

Grant Hill refers to Bill Raftery as coach. This is noteworthy because Bill Raftery hasn't coached since 1981... Grant Hill was eight years old in 1981... I only call my coaches coach. It feels to me like he's mocking Raftery and Raftery just doesn't know it.

Robert Griffin III will start 6-8 games for the Browns, win three, and become a career backup after getting injured

Griffin will start six to eight games this year, and he'll win three of them. So it'll be like RG three and three. And then he'll get injured again, and then they'll bring in, you know, whichever quarterback that they draft at the second overall pick. And then Griffin will just be on the bench again, and then he'll be a career backup after that.

If Jeff Fisher is fired, he will spend six years on CBS before coaching the Raiders

What will happen to Jeff is if they go like 3-13, if they have fewer than six wins this year, he'll get fired. And then he'll be on CBS for like the next six years pretending to laugh during the pregame show. And then he'll go back to the Raiders or something like that.

Finding a way to half-ass a job and maintain mediocre performance while keeping job security is a commendable life achievement

If you can figure out a way to half ass your job and do a very mediocre job and like keep the bar as low as possible on what people expect from you, but still keep your job. That's commendable in this world.

Banning the home run in baseball would make the sport unwatchable

I would love that rule [banning the home run]. That would be a great rule. Could you imagine? Actually, that would basically make baseball unwatchable, now that I'm saying it out loud.

If a pitcher ever dies on the mound, MLB will force pitchers to wear helmets and face contraptions

Well, so if a pitcher dies on the baseball mound, the game is going to like completely change. Right. They're going to make pitchers wear helmets and there may be even like some sort of weird face contraption. I don't know.

The best way to quit gambling is through 'aversion therapy' by intentionally losing bets to get a bad taste in your mouth

Teach yourself some—what's it called when you—like aversion therapy? You want to bet on some bets that you know are going to lose. You want to lose some bets and get a bad taste in your mouth from gambling... and you won't want to do it anymore.

Birthdays are only for girls once you turn 20 years old

Birthdays are for chicks now, right? Like after you turn 20 years old, birthdays are for chicks. Hand over your man card, JJ [Watt]. Birthdays aren't men's stuff anymore.

Hulk Hogan's sex tape was likely a publicity stunt

I find it hard to believe that this wasn't some kind of a stunt where [Hulk Hogan] gave his permission to do this. I don't think the stunt was meant for him to originally bring a lawsuit. I think the stunt was probably so he would get clicks and hits and publicity.

Indiana has found its next long-term head coach in Tom Crean

Has Indiana found its next head coach in Tom Crean? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I think so. I mean, Tom Crean's done a really good job, I think, growing with this particular team. Once he cleaned out some guys over the last summer, yeah, I think they have.

The winner of the Indiana vs. North Carolina game will play for the National Championship

North Carolina, Indiana winner. I think it's going to play for [the title]. I do. I think that, you know, I think they'll beat the next team.

LeBron should toy with the Cavs' emotions by following rival teams

He knows that he can do whatever he wants in Cleveland. So he should just keep toying with their emotions. He should go look at houses in Miami, rent a condo in Malibu. Unfollow the Cavs Twitter account. Follow the Knicks Instagram account. Just basically do all this shit to toy with their emotions.

LeBron James will announce he is re-signing with the Cavs by re-following them on Twitter

I actually think what's happening is that LeBron unfollowed the Cavs and that when he signs his option... he's going to announce it by refollowing the Cavs. It's such a shitty, like not cool thing to do, but it's so lame that it perfectly fits something that he would think was a good idea.

Watching the first half of any March Madness game is a waste of time

What are you even doing if you're watching the first five minutes of a March Madness game? I don't think I've ever done that.

Wisconsin will probably beat Notre Dame and then lose in a tragic, heartbreaking fashion

They'll probably beat Notre Dame and then maybe... be up by 10 against UNC. And I'm like, oh, man, I cannot believe the Badgers are going back to the Final Four. And then there'll be tragedy and heartbreak. And people will be sending me mean tweets.

Psychiatrists should give out Adderall prescriptions specifically for the first two weekends of the NCAA tournament

I feel like there needs to be a psychiatrist that gives out prescriptions for Adderall specifically for these first two weekends of the NCAA tournament just to get us through Sunday. That's a genuine medical issue that I'm dealing with right now coming down from like a four-day hangover.

Thomas Walkup will never play in the NBA

He's a 6'4 white dude who when he goes to the NBA, he'll get like his ankles broken in two seconds and dunked on. So he won't even get to go to the NBA.

Northern Iowa would have won if they played their bench of 'small white guys' who know how to take charges and throw the ball off legs

If they just put their bench in for the end of that game, those guys could at least, I guarantee you, everybody on Northern Iowa's bench could throw a ball off their opponent's leg better than anyone else that was in the game. As a small white guy, that's one thing that I knew how to do really, really well... you put that bench in, you might give up like four or five, six points, but you're not losing that game.

John Calipari is an overrated in-game coach who relies on superior athletes

I think Calipari is actually a little bit overrated as a coach... I think he's obviously the best recruiter in the country. I don't think he's the best in-game coach. He's like one of those guys. He's actually kind of like Roy Williams, who they always have really good athletes. I don't know if they always do the best job coaching those athletes because they just kind of let them go.

The best PR move for any scandal is to check into 'treatment' without explanation

Check into treatment... Don't give us an explanation. Just like disappear for 20 days and then you come back and you're like, I'm healed... When you just say it's a real problem that needs treatment, people now all of a sudden can't make jokes about it.

The Barstool Sports app is the worst app ever created

Barstool's app truly is the worst app that's ever been created... I think they made the Barstool app just to crash. Can we just make an app that just crashes all the time? And if you're looking at it from that perspective, it's the greatest app that's ever been created.

Rooting for sloppy, terrible basketball is as fun as rooting for scoring

I get that you feel bad rooting against teams scoring points. But there's a beauty to rooting for teams to just play sloppy-ass ball and turn the ball over all the time and have really egregious fouls and backcourt violations and five-second violations. There's a lot of fun to be had in that, and I feel like you're missing out on it by adhering to this stringent rule that life's too short to bet the unders.

Darren Rovell is the 'well-actually guy' of the NCAA tournament

Darren Rovell, who makes a case in point to tell everybody in America that he does not fill out a bracket, because guess what? Eight years ago, for the first time, he decided not to do a bracket, and it's so much more fun watching the tournament without it. So he is the well-actually guy of the NCAA tournament.

The 'other bracket' guy is the worst person during March Madness

I'm power ranking. Other bracket guy is number one is the worst... The guy who always he'll always chime in whenever there's a big upset. But he'll like have one bracket in his hand... 'I don't have that upset here. I just have it on my other bracket.' This like elusive other bracket that no one knows about.

Burning tape or burying a football only provides momentum for exactly one win

[Big Cat]: Burning tape or burying a football will always give you a little extra juice the next game. [PFT]: It gives you exactly one win. And then you kind of run out of energy because you've done all your crazy shit.

Journalists should only get the media buffet if they ask good questions

You basically just treat all the journalists like they're five-year-olds when your mom said, if you don't eat your broccoli, you don't get ice cream. It's like, listen, guys, if you don't ask good questions in this presser, no buffet for you.

Adam LaRoche's retirement over his son being in the clubhouse was just 'hurt feelings'

Adam LaRoche quit because his feelings were hurt. He got his feelings hurt... your feelings are hurt because the White Sox basically said, hey, Adam, you're a 14 year old best friend. You can't bring him around anymore.

Adam LaRoche's son will be the greatest hot take writer ever because he grew up in locker rooms

Adam LaRoche's kid... he is going to be the best hot take writer of all time. Could you imagine him fighting with like sabermetric nerds? Adam LaRoche's kid, his entire existence is towel whips, like, you know, pranks, guys, you know, calling each other [names]. His entire life is a locker room. I can't wait till he grows up and starts like just throwing his ideas of his worldviews around.

We need a 'relegation league' Monday night football game to help people transition off the March Madness high

This is how you wean people off March Madness is if we just had like a Monday night football game on Monday night, like if it was just Titans Jaguars on Monday night, the relegation league... You need sports that your body is craving it. Boom. Football's back.

If you haven't taken a hungover nap at the office, you're the lamest person in the world

I'm not going to say that Johnny Manziel should be taking naps when he's in the NFL... But show me a guy who, and probably a lot of women, who has not taken a hungover nap at their office, and I'll show you the lamest guy in the world.

Benching a starting quarterback for Josh McCown will cause them to hit rock bottom

The act of having of like benching a person for Josh McCown, I think will put anyone like into a rock bottom spot. Like it's spiraled out of control from Johnny Manziel the minute Josh McCown was put in place of him.

The NIT should be renamed the 'Nice Invitational Tournament' because the winner is the 69th best team

I'm supposed to pitch to you guys the idea of calling the NIT the Nice Invitational Tournament because the winner is the 69th best team in the country.

Indiana winning the Big Ten was a nightmare because it saved Tom Crean's job

This was my nightmare as an Indiana fan... now they're probably going to lose to Kentucky in the second round... And then people that like Crean are going to say, Oh, but they lost to the final four Kentucky team... It's a weird position to be in when you're kind of cheering for them to lose. So that way you just fire Tom Crean.

Villanova is a notorious tournament choker

Villanova's the notorious choker where Jay Wright still has like a three-year deal on his contract with CBS, I think, for the second round to call the games from the studio with those guys. So that's it. Villanova opens up and then Arizona can get by Miami, you know, maybe, maybe Arizona can make a push.

Virginia will lose because they lack players who can make late-game shots

I think Virginia is like almost identical to some of the Wisconsin teams... where they don't have guys who can just make shots late in the game when you need... They have the one guy and but everyone else... you need to make shots at the end of the games.

Oregon is the weakest 1-seed but has an easy path thanks to Duke being in their bracket

Oregon's definitely the weakest one seed, but then you've got to look at their bracket. Because they were blessed to have Duke in their bracket, the committee always gives Duke the easy ride. By proxy, Oregon also got the easy ride.

The 'Suh Dude' trend is worthy of respect because of its commitment to laziness

Anytime you're too lazy to pronounce the third letter of a word that has three letters in it, that is worthy of a little bit of respect for trying that hard to be so lazy. ... To pronounce and actually speak English to another person is a total try hard move.

James Laurinaitis' dad is a more intimidating grandfather than Howie Long

I think [Howie Long] is up there, but you know, [James] Laurinaitis, his dad is, like, one of the Road Warriors... I got my dad in a Mortal Kombat situation over James' dad, but I'm just biased.

Joey Bosa is just a working man's Chris Long

Joey Bosa, I think is like he's a working man's Chris Long is what I've been saying about him.

I would consider playing on a $1 contract to see if I truly love football

I mean, it'd be an interesting experiment to see if I really love football. [A $1 contract]... I've been doing football drills and I've been in the gym ever since I got cut.

I'm going to rethink my strategy and start filming my box jumps to get signed

I've seen JJ Watt do box jump videos. He's going to the Hall of Fame. I've done a lot of box jumps, but I just never filmed them. I'm totally willing to rethink my whole strategy... I'm going to walk right by whoever the head coach is, just go straight into the weight room and just start doing box jumps, not say a word to anybody.

I could catch 22 balls in a season as a slot receiver for Tom Brady

I feel like this is like a suggestive knock on one of the greatest slot receivers of all time, Danny Amendola... But I might be able to catch, I'd say, 22 balls.