Takes

NFL mock drafts 5.0 and 6.0 are entirely made of smokescreens

When mock draft 5.0 and 6.0s are coming out, those are actually all smokescreens, too, because all the NFL personnel people that talk to the guys doing the mock drafts, they're telling them lies the whole time.

I hate the hockey handshake line because people talk about it too much

The handshake line is one of those things that I didn't want to hate, but people talk about it so much that I have to hate it.

The New York Jets will lock up the number one pick of the 2018 NFL Draft

The New York Jets and Bryce Tom Petty are free-falling down the standings as New York locks up the number one pick of the 2018 NFL Draft.

The Buffalo Bills will finish the season 5-11

I'm going to give it to you real easy. Bills are going to go 5-11.

If the Celtics win the next game handily, they will win the series against the Bulls

I think if [the Celtics] can win the next game handily, they can win the series.

The NBA playoffs are predictable and the first round is a joke

I mean, the only thing I don't like about basketball is just like it's pretty predictable who's going to the conference final. It's never really a surprise. So it's just the first round's a joke. Does anyone even pay attention until the conference finals?

Mike Gundy has decided to be a crazy person for the rest of his career as a branding move

I think what happened was he went out and he saw how good it felt to say something crazy and be perceived as like a crazy dangerous person in public that he's like you know what I'm just going to be fucking nuts for the rest of my career that's my brand that's what I'm going with I'm going to out crazy Mike Leach.

The Capitals will still win their series against the Maple Leafs

I still think the Capitals are going to win the series. I do. I really do. ... I watched the Capitals versus the Leafs and I was like, the Capitals are the better team. They turtled at the end there. They look like the better team.

The Blackhawks will not come back against the Predators

The Blackhawks are the worst team by far in that series. The Predators have taken it to them every single period. Nine out of ten periods, they've just dominated them. So that's one of those ones like, Blackhawks aren't going to come back. They're not.

Paul George's rivalry with LeBron James is completely manufactured

All rivalries pale in comparison to the Paul George-LeBron James rivalry. ... Paul George said that his rivalry with LeBron James is for the culture. ... a crazy rivalry that I don't think anyone including LeBron James knew existed. ... it's kind of like what we're doing with that snowflake cuck Mark Cuban just creating a rivalry out of nowhere.

LeBron James should be in the GOAT conversation with Michael Jordan

I'm one of these guys who says that LeBron should be in the conversation with Jordan. ... Michael Jordan, probably the best NBA player of all time... but [LeBron] should be in the conversation.

Closers in baseball are used incorrectly by only pitching the ninth inning

Closers are not used well today. It's stupid to only come in the ninth inning. It's because you have the statistic 'the save' that actually measures things badly. ... You should be using them in the most high-leverage situation of the game.

James Harden has perfected the ability to get fouled whenever he wants

James has this unique ability to actually get fouled whenever he wants. It's unbelievable. He's asking for it. I don't know how he does it, but he has perfected it. ... If we're playing situational games in practice... I'll stick my arm out and he'll run through it and he can stop and start so quick... he does look for his little angles in practice to perfect it in a game.

LeBron James has a fake Instagram account for creeping on people

LeBron said that Coachella looked fun, but LeBron isn't on any social media. ... ZeroDark3023. So no Twitter, no Instagram, but Coachella looked fun. ... LeBron James has a Finstagram out there that he uses to creep on people. He has a fake Instagram. ... Shocker. LeBron James, not on social media, but says that Coachella looked fun. Hmm.

Aaron Rodgers is plagiarizing Jack Handey SNL quotes on Twitter

I'm going to read you a tweet that Aaron put out yesterday. 'If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might if they screamed all the time for no good reason.' ... Guess what? It's actually plagiarism, bro. That's Jack Handey. That was from SNL Deep Thoughts. No attribution given whatsoever.

I am not worried about the Capitals losing home-ice advantage to the Maple Leafs

I'm not worried at all. It's not time to press the panic button. My overtime genes are still 1-0 in single overtime. I'd just like to point that out.

It is okay to be a fair-weather fan

My who's back of the week is fairweather fans... I think it's okay to be a Fairweather fan. I don't like the people that come out of the woodwork being like, oh, you only cheers for the Bruins in the playoffs.

LeBron James has never actually read The Godfather book

You read the Godfather book for the 7,000th time in a row, even though I don't think you ever read it the first time.

Improvement in pitchers is less suspicious than hitters developing late-career power

With pitchers, pitching is such a funny thing that I kind of am not suspicious when a pitcher all of a sudden gets good... But for a hitter to suddenly develop power... It's definitely weird to see guys improving at age 36.

The San Antonio Spurs are the most impressive franchise in American sports history

The Spurs are the most impressive franchise in the history of American professional sports, right? They've been good for, like, 25 of the last 26 years.

Russell Westbrook is the obvious choice for NBA MVP

To me, Westbrook is the kind of obvious answer, I guess. And Harden is the second most obvious answer... Leonard seems like it's overthinking it a little bit.

Crying about sports is the most manly thing a man can do

Crying about sports is the most manly thing that you can do... why not like grown men cry? That's OK. We can accept it.

The Bulls will give the Celtics a good series in the first round

I think the Bulls are going to give the Celtics a really good series.

The Cleveland Indians should retire Chief Wahoo and just sell throwbacks for profit

I also don't know why they don't. They just get rid of it. Do the C. Do the block C. And then just sell it as throwbacks. You can still make money off it. Just like, you know what, guys, you're right. It's 2016. We need to do a better job with this logo. And then in a year, be like throwback night.

Coach K is using bizarre 'freshman roommate' pitches to recruit Zion Williamson

Coach K. He also said, this is a weird move by Coach K. He's telling Zion Williamson, at a school like Duke, it's tough to get in. So he said, you never know who you could be living with. You might be on the hall with a person who will be the president one day or a brain surgeon... Why not just be like, hey, Zion, come to Duke and then you'll go to the draft and be a millionaire.

The Raiders' Black Hole in Las Vegas will be corporate and terrible

Talking about the black hole in Las Vegas just bummed me out because you know it's going to be all corporate. It's going to be the Harrah's blackjack black hole or something like that, and it's going to suck. This is the first time I've thought about the Raiders moving to Vegas and being like, eh.

Having 15 bridesmaids in a wedding is ridiculous and impossible

I think anytime you reach double digits, it's like, holy shit, what's going on here? ... Nobody has that many friends. If you have 12 people in your wedding, that means that either you're just trying way too hard to please people or it just means that you're rich and all your friends are using you for your money.

You have to suck for a long time before you are allowed to be good in the NBA

I'm a big pay your dues guy. So I can appreciate that. You have to suck for a while before you're allowed to be good at it. Those are the rules. It took Jesus like 30 years before he started washing whores' feet and making miracles. You got to pay your dues. You got to go out there. You got to be a carpenter for a while before you can be a messiah.

The Clippers are officially in America's 'friend zone'

Here's the thing about the Clippers. They're not a threat to do anything. They're in the friend zone. They're in America's friend zone... I'm totally comfortable with them taking me home on a late night and walking me back. I know it's going to be a hug and I'm going to go into my house.

The Bulls will win exactly one game in their playoff series against the Celtics

They're [the Bulls] going to win one game. That was talking Bulls.

AJ McCarron's sushi restaurant will be a huge hit in Tuscaloosa

AJ McCarron's getting into the game... He's opening a sushi restaurant in Tuscaloosa, Alabama... It's called Agent Sushi... I'm sure it will be a big hit in Tuscaloosa. It seems like a big sushi crowd.

Only the Spurs, Warriors, or Cavaliers can win the NBA title this year

Can you give us a team, not named the Spurs, Warriors, or Cavs, that can win the NBA title this year? [Ernie]: No.

Tony Romo's legacy is taking a hit because he looks unathletic and has man breasts

Tony Romo's legacy is taking a hit from this because, one, he looks super unathletic. Two, part of that is I now see that he has man breasts.

This is the year the Washington Capitals finally win the Stanley Cup

Caps year. Caps are next. Yeah, Caps year. Everything is... it's one of those weird, this is like the sign of the apocalypse.

Hockey playoffs in Canada are higher stakes because they have nothing else

Hockey playoffs in Canada, that crowd, I mean, it's basically like live or die because they don't have anything else. Usually die, though. It's Drake and the Raptors losing in the first round. That's the only two things that Toronto has.

Under Armour deliberately releases bad shoe photos for the publicity

I do think that Steph Curry, there's an element where Under Armour is like, we're never going to be the cool shoes. So we'll release some bad pictures again. Let everyone roast us. How are you going to get publicity for Steph Curry's shoes other than letting the internet roast you?

Don King was the most obvious pro-Trump celebrity of all time

Don King was the most obvious Trump celebrity of all time... he's a showman.

Pimento cheese sandwiches at the Masters are probably overrated

I know what a pimento cheese sandwich is, but I'm guessing that it's not as unbelievable as everyone's making it off to be.

The Bulls will beat the Raptors in the playoffs because they own them

The Bulls are going to beat the Raptors because they own the Raptors. I'm not saying the Bulls are a better team than the Raptors. The Raptors are a better team overall, but the Bulls, for some reason, just own the Raptors.

Mike Mussina is not a Hall of Famer

[Big Cat: Mike Mussina?] Ooh. I'd have to look at his numbers... As soon as you pause, it's a no.

There should be an alliance of every NFL punter to feed Pat McAfee scoops and cuck Adam Schefter

I hope that this turns into an alliance between every punter in the league and Pat McAfee. So they're all feeding him all the scoops. And he's constantly using his punter connections to cuck Adam Schefter.

You can never be friends with your bookie

[Big Cat: Can you be friends with your bookie?] No. That's the age-old question, and the answer is no.

Tony Romo is the most fun quarterback to watch fail in NFL history

I'll give you right now Tony Romo's legacy. You don't have to read anything else. He is the most fun quarterback to hate of all time. That's his legacy. That's what it is. He broke your heart if you're a Cowboys fan. But for everybody else... he was the most fun quarterback to watch fail.

San Diego State will win the 2019 National Championship

I like San Diego State. They got a decent class this year, great class in two years.

The biggest competitive advantage in baseball today is understanding players as human beings rather than just data

The ironic thing about that is it's kind of swung the pendulum back where I think the biggest competitive advantage now is actually understanding players as human beings, what makes them tick, getting the right kind of guys, building the right kind of chemistry, and then treating them the right way so that the team can take off.

Kyle Schwarber will be an average defensive left fielder

I think [the concern about his defense] is overblown. I think he'll be average out there in left. You know, he boxed those two balls against the Mets whenever everyone was watching. So everyone thinks he's brutal. So I'll actually probably surprise some people who haven't seen him play since then.

The Cubs would not have won the 2016 World Series without the Game 7 rain delay

I buy it. I don't think we win the World Series without that [rain delay], but you can't prove it. ... If you blow a lead late in any game, it's hard to then come back and win... our players were shell-shocked... and that rain delay... they rallied each other.

College athletes should be allowed to profit off their own likeness

I do think that a player should be able to profit off their own likeness in some form or fashion. ... Put the money in a blind trust? ... Pay them after they get out of college?

The Red Sox and Mets will meet in the World Series

I think the Red Sox and the Mariners are going to be in the ALCS... Cubs-Mets [in the NLCS]... Red Sox-Mets [World Series].

The Nationals will win the 2017 World Series

I've got the Nats and the Dodgers [in the NLCS]... and then I'm going with the Red Sox [in the AL]... Red Sox-Nats [World Series]. World Series champion? Nats.