Takes

Mark McGwire's claim that he didn't need PEDs for 70 home runs is ridiculous

Mark McGwire has come out out of nowhere and said that he didn't need PEDs to hit 70 home runs. He could have done it without him. All I got from this is Mark McGwire did PEDs. Sammy Sosa now was the home run king in 1998 with 66 home runs. It is hilarious to look at a picture of Mark McGwire on the A's and then look at a picture of Mark McGwire on the Cardinals.

Brock Osweiler being benched is a win because it keeps him off the Browns jersey of failure

His name is not going to be on that Browns jersey that has the list of every single quarterback that they've had for the last 20 years. Because once your name goes up there, it's up there forever. Immortalized. And it's embarrassing. And Osweiler would be like the perfect punchline on that thing.

It's better to be the backup quarterback of the Jaguars than the starter

It's better to be the backup quarterback of the Jacksonville Jaguars than the starting quarterback. He's not going to have all that stress, so he's not going to lose his hair as fast.

The NFL letting players take pain pills while banning weed is hypocritical

Good thing that they keep giving everyone all those pain pills and everything like that. There's a difference. Weed's addictive. [Sarcastic] You can only buy pain pills from large pharmaceutical companies who usually have the consumer's best interest in mind.

Roger Goodell punishing Josh Gordon by not letting him play for the Browns is actually doing him a favor

Telling a player that your punishment is that you don't have to play for the Cleveland Browns is probably a little bit misguided. So, like, hey, good for Josh. He doesn't have to be a Brown.

The Chicago Bears essentially bid against themselves to sign Mike Glennon

I think the Bears got into bidding war with themselves. I don't think anyone else is going after Mike Glennon. And the price keeps going up... Ryan Pace is the only guy at the table.

Butch Jones' 'five-star hearts' recruiting philosophy is a spin for missing out on actual talent

Butch Jones, Tennessee, they're back... Butch Jones said this after maybe a less than stellar recruiting class: 'We want five-star hearts and five-star competitors.' So he's not looking for five-star recruits. He's looking for five-star hearts.

Tennessee will start the next season 3-0 and then lose every remaining game

Tennessee. They're going to start 3-0 and then lose all the rest of their games. And then pretend to like that stupid color orange. No offense.

Chris Christie's 'double spin zone' regarding his failed Trump job search is a masterclass in handling embarrassment

Chris Christie, double spin zone. I'm on his side. That's how you – when you get embarrassed like Chris Christie gets embarrassed, you need to layer your spin zone.

Calling Ryan Tannehill a game manager is a huge compliment

Ryan Tannehill, if you walk up to Ryan Tannehill, I'm like, hey, Ryan. Your game manager, he's got to say thank you, right? Yep. Absolutely. That's a great, great thing to be for Ryan Tannehill at this point in his career.

Rex Ryan got his lap band removed because he won more games as a fat guy

Rex Ryan got his lap band out. And he said that it's because he won more football games as a fat guy... This is what happened here was Rob and Rex went out for Buffalo Wings like every single Sunday... he was just sick of puking. He's like, honey, I've been thinking, Rob and I have been talking and I won more games when I was fat.

People should be fired for being bad at Twitter

I hope that this happens more in the future. Just people get fired because they suck at Twitter, not because they say anything offensive or because they break a law or anything, just because they suck at the platform.

Rache Caldwell is the world's worst criminal

The whole premise of it is like [Rache] Caldwell is the world's worst criminal... he orders five and a half pounds of MDMA from China and it shows up on his doorstep delivered by a federal agent.

Robert Nkemdiche would be a Vine superstar if he landed on a beer pong table when he fell out of a window

If there was a beer pong table that [Robert Nkemdiche] landed on, he'd be a Vine superstar. If anything, he just did it a little too early.