Takes

Lacrosse is the sport of the future and will surpass baseball

My cool throne is lacrosse... My other hot seat could have been baseball because lacrosse is coming for that America's Pastime, sport of the future. Premier Lacrosse League was announced. TV deal... This sounds like a real dud. No, this is going to be great.

Ben Roethlisberger has used a computer less than ten times in his life

I'll say it right now. Since the day he left college, Ben Roethlisberger has sat in front of a computer less than ten times.

Marshawn Lynch is faking his injury because he doesn't want to play for Jon Gruden

Marshawn Lynch is out... He's out with an injured groin is the explanation they gave. I don't think that Marshawn Lynch is capable of having his groin injured... I think he doesn't like Jon Gruden. He doesn't want to play for Jon Gruden to do a car.

LeBron James moved to the Lakers to hide from his critics

Is LeBron James hiding from us? Because here's what happened. At like 12:30, I went to sleep. I missed all of the fourth quarter, missed the free throws... I think that LeBron James has moved out west because he knows... MJ people, we're getting a little older, got to get to sleep. The LeBron stans... they stay up all night... and LeBron knows he will not get criticized... Like, I should have been there hating LeBron when he missed those free throws. Except, father time has taken its hold on me, and I need to go to sleep.

Mitchell Trubisky is the best running quarterback in the league

In the windy city we go, where the NFL's best running quarterback, Mitchell Michael Trubisky, had Bears fans hammering the dog at plus two... Mitch is the best running quarterback in the league.

If Titanic 2 sinks, it would be the greatest moment ever

If the Titanic 2 could somehow sink, it would be the greatest moment ever... because you're an asshole for riding on the Titanic 2.

Bob Wiley should be the Browns head coach because you can trust his gut

There is a dark horse candidate that I think America can all get behind, and that is Bob Wiley. If there's ever a coach that can go with his gut, that you should trust his gut, it's Bob Wiley.

Justin Tucker is worth a second-round pick

Justin Tucker is the one kicker that I think would actually probably be worth a first-round pick... I'll give you a second.

Adam Thielen is the best wide receiver in the NFL right now

Thielen, here's a take. I think Thielen's the best wide receiver in the NFL right now. Boom. I said it.

Kirk Cousins is too big of a nerd to ever win a Super Bowl

I also think that Kirk Cousins is too big of a nerd to ever win a Super Bowl... I don't trust a guy like that... He basically thinks he's living inside of a ted talk right now and his job he like reads too many motivational quotes.

The Super Bowl will be the Rams vs. the Chargers

I think, by the way, that that's going to end up being your Super Bowl is the Rams and the Chargers.

The Bengals/Chiefs over not hitting is a national tragedy

What just happened in that NFL game, not hitting the over, is a national tragedy. It needs to be investigated... It's fucking ridiculous that the Bengals only scored 10 points against the Chiefs defense.

You can only play with a back fracture in hockey and football

The only sports that you can play with a small back fracture are hockey and football... Injured is when you have to have surgery that holds you out. You have to play injured [in the NFL]. And more importantly, you have to play well injured.

Steve Wilks will be the first NFL coach fired in 2018

I think it is now official that Steve Wilks might be the first coach to be fired... Just fire him and then pretend it never happened. You could easily do it right now. We'll all forget.

Kevin Durant will sign with the Knicks to get his 'masculinity' back

This is going to be the greatest free agent summer of all time, because we basically have Kevin Durant being like, can an entire internet troll him into going to the Knicks just to try to get his made-up masculinity back... We will take away the Triple B [Baby Back Bitch] if he goes to the Knicks.

Only 12 NFL owners actually care about winning championships

I think there are legitimately 12 teams in the National Football League that are legitimately concerned about winning a Super Bowl... I think there are certain owners that are just in there to build equity... and every now and then catch the lightning.

The Wizards will go over their win total because John Wall, Bradley Beal, and Dwight Howard will have great chemistry

I'm also going to take the over on the Wizards. I think that Wall and Beal and Dwight Howard are going to have great chemistry. They're big three.

Zion Williamson chose Duke over Kansas solely for the free education

Zion... decided not to go to Kansas for said money or whatever occupational preferences... and instead decided he wanted to go get an education for free at Duke University... Can't a young person just change their mind and say, I'd rather not have money? I'd rather play for Coach K.

Nick Bosa is a quitter for withdrawing from Ohio State before the draft

I'm just saying it's a black stain on the OSU program... I kind of think he's a quitter... if you can't play for an egomaniacal lying psychopath [Urban Meyer], why could you ever play for Dan Snyder?

The Wisconsin Badgers season is officially over

The Badger season's over. They're a fucking dumpster fire. I'm done... don't ever think about getting sucked back into this Wisconsin season. They're chicken shit cowards and don't deserve your time or money.

LeBron James is the new Steve Jobs

LeBron is the new Steve Jobs. From films and TV shows to educational institutions, A&R-ing via his IG... James is using his magnitude to invade industries and redirect the conversation.

Eli Manning is a better quarterback than Peyton Manning

Eli had a great career. Two Super Bowls. Yeah, beat Tom Brady. How did that happen? The better Manning. The better of the two Mannings. Easily, in my estimation. Never lost Super Bowl.

The 2018 NFC Championship will be Bears vs. Rams

It's going to be Rams, Bears, and the NFC Championship game. And the Bears are probably going to beat them with that physical defense.

The 2018 Super Bowl will be Bears vs. Patriots

It's going to be Bears-Patriots in the Super Bowl.

Giancarlo Stanton is a bum

Giancarlo Stanton, I'm ready to say he's a bum. No pinstripes for you, Giancarlo. If it were an April game between the Miami Marlins and the Atlanta Braves, I'm sure you would have hit a home run in a big spot.

The Yankees should fire Aaron Boone because anyone would be better

You probably should fire Aaron Boone, and you will get someone better than him because everyone is better than him. Anyone. Luis Severino bringing him out for the fourth inning in game three on Monday night was maybe the most inexcusable thing I've ever seen a manager do.

Peyton Manning is not actually funny

Why have we decided that Peyton Manning is funny? Because he's a decent actor for an athlete. Okay, because I'm done with thinking Peyton Manning's funny. It's the same thing every time... SNL where he was throwing the balls at the little kids 15 years ago, and from that point forward, we've been like, that Peyton Manning, he's very funny. But it's not funny.

Joe Mixon might be a top three running back in the NFL when healthy

And Joe Mixon might be top three running back. Yeah, I might say that. I'm going to say it.

Using a fullback is donating a down to the defense

Look, fullbacks, if I needed a blocking back, I'd bring one of my linemen in. Other than that, I'm in one back all the time with three receivers. I don't need a fullback. [Using a fullback] is donating a down. Don't ever hand to him. He can lead the blocking or whatever. Don't hand off to him.

Ben Roethlisberger is 'officially fully broken'

I don't know if we could say Ben [Roethlisberger] at home is a good quarterback right now. He's just, he's broken. He's broken. He is finally officially fully broken. It happened. Ben is broken.

Candy corn is absolutely delicious and should be a year-round candy

Candy corn is absolutely delicious. I think it should be a year-round candy, and I can't wait to eat it for the next month.

NBA Twitter needs to chill out during October

October is football and baseball. Chill out, NBA Twitter. Let us have a fucking month... Enough, NBA Twitter. You get your time. We're going to all pay attention to you... from like February till essentially July. So just chill out.

Aaron Rodgers is surly, malcontent, and uncoachable

They hate each other. They always have hated each other. It's great to watch. Aaron Rodgers, surly, malcontent, uncoachable.

James Franklin made the worst play call of all time against Ohio State

James Franklin had somehow the worst play call off of two timeouts that I've ever seen. The Ohio State-Penn State game... fourth and five, needs it to keep the game alive. He's got three timeouts. He uses two of them to decide what to call and then calls a handoff that went nowhere.

All signs are pointing to a Jared Goff vs. Blake Bortles Super Bowl

All signs are pointing to a Jared Goff-Blake Bortles Super Bowl right now. We're going to have to be in attendance wearing the jersey that Brady Quinn's sister used to wear when Quinn played against A.J. Hawk.

NFL offenses should stop blocking and let defenders hit the QB to draw 15-yard penalties

I'm actually at the point now where I think if I were a coach in the NFL, I would say to my offensive line, just treat every play like a screen and half of you don't block. And let them get to the quarterback because we'll most likely get 15 yards.

A Colin Kaepernick primetime game for the 49ers would be the highest-rated game of the season

I actually think that if Colin Kaepernick started a game in prime time for the 49ers, it would be the highest-rated game of the entire season. Absolutely. And Twitter would melt down.

Joe Maddon gave an Urban Meyer-esque answer regarding Addison Russell's abuse allegations

That's an Urban Meyer-esque answer, basically saying my internet doesn't work and my brain doesn't work and I forgot that I should probably read about my accusations that my players committed domestic abuse. Whether it's true or not, bad answer, Joe Maddon.

Josh Allen is a better running quarterback than Cam Newton

Josh Allen, better running quarterback than Cam Newton.

Josh Gordon will not have long-range success with the Patriots

I don't think [Josh Gordon] has long-range success written over it... because he's not passionate about football... If you're not willing to do the time and the effort into it, you're just going to get cast aside.

Dont'a Hightower can no longer play linebacker effectively

Hightower can't run like he used to run. And so he's really a defensive end. He can't play linebacker anymore.

The Cleveland Browns will make the playoffs

Welcome to being a winner Cleveland. I say the Cleveland Browns are going to make the playoffs.

Eli Manning should just retire already

Fuck Eli Manning. How many times is Eli Manning going to sack himself when I put a little fucking cashola on the Giants in a Sunday night game? Fuck you, Eli Manning. Just retire, you fucking asshole.

Tom Brady and Bill Belichick actually hate each other

I do actually believe that Brady and Belichick hate each other. I think they hate each other, but I think that they have such a productive hate for each other. And they're both such like competitive psychos that it just makes each one of them be better at their jobs.

The Bears are a Super Bowl contender

I watched part of the game, and I'm telling you, this team is a Super Bowl contender. I'm dead serious. That defense. You're not telling me that defense—I mean, I agree, but shut up. The defense is Super Bowl caliber.

The championship window has officially closed for the Seattle Seahawks

This is a major, like, officially the window has shut on the Seattle Seahawks. I'm ready to declare window closed. They're going to now have to remake themselves as an offensive team. No more glory hole.

Blake Bortles destroyed the Pittsburgh Steelers

I was saying, okay, who killed these Pittsburgh Steelers? Was it the Browns? Nope. Was it Patrick Mahomes? Nope. Blake Bortles destroyed the Pittsburgh Steelers by beating them twice last year in their own backyard.

The Arizona Cardinals are a sleeper team this season

One sleeper for the season is the Arizona Cardinals. Sam Bradford, of course, he has to stay healthy. David Johnson came on our show... a thousand and a thousand. So with him, Larry Legend, Fitzgerald, and then Chandler Jones and Patrick Peterson, I think they can do some damage.

Todd Bowles is a top-ten NFL coach

I still think that Todd Bowles is a top-ten coach. Everybody knows the Dolphins always play the Jets tough.

The NFL should treat QBs like kickers and prohibit all contact after the ball is out

Just treat the quarterback like a punter or a kicker. Once the ball's out, you can't touch him. Then there's no ambiguity... if you don't touch the ball and the ball's out and you hit the quarterback, it's a foul just like it is for a punter and a kicker.