Takes

The Steelers are an absolute mess and no one knows what they are

I think we all can agree no one knows what the Steelers are. They went from a mess at the beginning of the season to one of the best teams in the middle of the season to an absolute mess again at the end of the season. And it's like baffling.

The Cowboys can beat anyone because their defense is elite

The Cowboys are going to win the NFC East. They actually look like a team that could compete with almost anyone because their defense is so good... I think the Cowboys can beat anyone. I mean, when I say that, I know what's going to happen is they definitely can't beat the Saints... but their defense... [they] demolished the Eagles in terms of yards.

The Cowboys trade for Amari Cooper was a ballsy move that worked

The Amari Cooper trade, when we laughed at it and everyone laughed at it, that was a fucking ballsy move, and it has worked out. Amari Cooper has basically re-found himself.

I would have more wins than Hue Jackson if I coached the Browns

I think I would have had more wins [than Hue Jackson] because I simply would have just said to the smart people, do smart things and not been a total asshole to all my players.

Oklahoma should lose the 'Oklahoma Drill' name because they aren't smash-mouth anymore

At what point do we discuss... removing the label Oklahoma from Oklahoma drill. Because they haven't done that in like 50 years.

SantaCon is awesome if you're in your early 20s

If you're in your early 20s, SantaCon and all-day drinking events, they're so much fun... When you get older, it's the last thing I'd ever want to do... Seriously, I really do get mad when I see people bashing these things, trying to look cool. It's okay to say I'm too old for it... But fuck, man, there's nothing better than being like 23 years old and saying, I don't really care if I get wasted all day.

Bear Weather is 100% real

It's like the perfect meatball thing that you can laugh at, like, ha, ha, ha, bare weather... But then when you're in your heart of hearts, you're like, no, no, that's fucking real. Bare weather is 100% real.

The Chicago Bulls are an absolute laughingstock of an organization

The dysfunction at the Bulls organization. They are an absolute laughingstock of an organization... They are the most... It's like the Chiefs used to be with Scott Pioli and that whole crew. And they're such little, little people. They're so scared of any criticism... Gar Foreman is a little fucking loser.

The Cowboys will find a way to fuck up their season despite their current success

If there's anything I know about the Cowboys, they'll find a way to fuck it all up.

The Ravens' defense is the first real test for the Chiefs' offense

The Ravens, this is the best team the Ravens are going to play in a while. ... this is the best defense the Chiefs have played in a while. So can the Chiefs play against a good defense in cold weather in December? This is my are-we-sure-they're-good game.

There are 10 NFL teams that would want Joe Flacco to be their starting quarterback next year

There are probably 10 teams that would want Flacco to start for them next year.

Joe Flacco should have beaten the Patriots and would have won two Super Bowls — he's more than borderline elite

I'm getting a little steamed up about Joe Flacco because of what you said, borderline elite. People forget he should have beaten the Patriots. He beats the shit out of the Patriots on the road. He should have beaten them in the playoffs that one year. His tight end dropped the ball. His kicker missed a kick. If they had that game won, they would have won another Super Bowl.

Andy Reid was a 'candy ass' for praising the Raiders after beating them

Andy Reid was a candy ass last weekend after they beat the Raiders on the road. He gave him a big pat on the back and said, I love you guys. Great win. ... Andy, I don't think that it was [a good football team].

The UFC is copying the WWE business plan to a T

Vince McMahon is where the UFC, if you watch what WWE has done, the UFC's copying their plan to a tee. So if they make a move, plan on the UFC making the same move.

LeBron James is dropping 'I'm washed' hints to pre-excuse not winning a title with the Lakers

LeBron, though, is definitely going to start dropping these hints to pre-excuse not winning another title. He's old. He needs help.

Dogs never have bad sneezes because they don't give a shit

You never see a dog have a bad sneeze. Because they don't give a shit. They're cute, and they're cute. They'll sneeze right in your face, and they don't think it's gross.

Brian Kelly is on the hot seat because Urban Meyer is now 'lurking' for the Notre Dame job

The hot seat, the loser of this, Brian Kelly. Now, I don't think that Urban Meyer is going to coach at Notre Dame, but you better believe that if next year Notre Dame doesn't play well the entire year, there will be a ton of Urban Meyer. He's just lurking. Basically, if you are a premier program now, you have Urban Meyer lurking over your shoulder.

Jay Cutler would be the perfect quarterback for the Washington Redskins

Jay Cutler would actually be the perfect Redskins quarterback. [PFT]: Yeah, he would. Shit, let's do it. I don't care.

The song 'Mo Bamba' is officially dead now that Big Cat is singing it

My Hot Seat is... Mo Bamba. The song. Because Big Cat finally has become aware of it, has been singing it nonstop for the past couple days. So that's pretty much as clear as day sign that it's over.

The late 90s Mariners are one of the best teams to never win a World Series

The sad thing is that I found out very quickly the difference between good and great is very small... That's a great – I think that's one of the best teams that's never won... very seldom do you have a team that you have the best pitcher in the game in Randy Johnson, the best player in the game in Ken Griffey Jr., the best pure hitter in the game in Edgar Martinez, and the scariest, baddest motherfucker in Jay Buhner.

Jerry Jones is one of the smartest people I've ever met and a true forward thinker

Jerry's one of the smartest people I've ever met. He's talking about a forward thinker and a guy that can see around corners and a guy that has just the biggest set of balls that I've ever seen. I mean, the guy is just, I love him.

I earned my Yankee pinstripes by the 2009 season

[Speaker 3]: Have you officially, do you think you earned your pinstripes? [A-Rod]: Yes. 100%. Not even a flinch... To 2009.

Curt Schilling and Pedro Martinez are the two best pitchers I ever faced in my career

Here's what I know is he [Curt Schilling] and Pedro Martinez are the best two pitchers that I've ever faced in the major leagues. Now, Pedro, 1999 Pedro, Cy Young, where he was unhittable. And Schilling in 2001 in the World Series, he had some of the greatest stuff I've ever seen.

Markelle Fultz's injury diagnosis sounds like a specialty machine scam

Neurogenic thoracic outlet syndrome. That sounds like a diagnosis that you have to go see many doctors to get... and then the last one, you walk in and the doctor's in a huge lab coat smoking a cigarette. He's like, oh, I know what this is. It's just TOS... either that or if you go to a doctor and the first thing they diagnose you with is TOS – you can bet your ass that doctor has like a $700,000 TOS curing disease machine in his back room.

Firing Mike McCarthy mid-season was the right move for the Packers

I actually I think this is the right move just because that team clearly has quit on him... The Packers were so clearly going to fire him. Why not just put everyone out of their misery? This actually probably helps Mike McCarthy. He can go get another job now.

Melvin Gordon is the first or second best running back in the NFL

Melvin Gordon is like, I think – if not the best running back, probably the second best running back right now in the NFL.

Urban Meyer fakes health issues when his team loses and is miraculously cured when they win

[Urban Meyer] said that this season they should be in the playoffs because they battled so much adversity... Shelly Meyer [said] winning cures a lot when talking about his health... she's basically saying, yeah, he's an asshole when he loses. He fakes like he's sick when he loses. And then when he wins, he's cured.

The Cowboys created the blueprint for beating the Saints

A blueprint on how to beat the Saints... You've got to play at home, so you've got to stay away from New Orleans. You have to have an all-time defensive performance from your defense. You have to have an all-time terrible performance from Drew Brees. You have to have a coach that secretly wants the Cowboys job.

The Cowboys making the playoffs would make Jason Garrett more fireable

If his team is good enough to make the playoffs and get their asses kicked in the first round of the playoffs, that makes him way more fireable than if he goes 9-7 and doesn't make it.

Dak Prescott will be the undoing of the Cowboys in the playoffs

Dak Prescott will be the undoing of the Cowboys and they'll still have to extend him... would you ever trust Dak Prescott on a big, maybe fourth quarter, has to drive the team down the field?

The Packers shouldn't even bother with playoff graphics if they don't beat the Cardinals by 21

If the Packers have any chance of going to the playoffs, they've got to win this game by like 21... If they don't win this game by 21, don't even do the graphics. Don't even worry about it. The Cardinals are that bad.

Alabama should get into the CFP even if they lose to Georgia

If you're asking me do I think Alabama gets the fourth spot [if they lose to Georgia], I think absolutely they will be in based on kind of what the committee is doing... it would be hard to believe that they would fall more than three spots out of the top four if they lost.

Kyler Murray's Heisman race is closer than people think

Kyler Murray is surpassing everything Baker Mayfield did last year as far as numbers-wise. And you could even argue he's better... I think it's going to be a really close race. And I think whichever one wins it, I think obviously it's much deserved.

The NCAA needs to fix the chop block and officiating rules

We've made it almost impossible for the officials to officiate a game consistently... when there's variance during the course of a game or during week to week, it just really makes it hard to coach... the rules have gotten screwed up and there's no impetus to change things.

Fullbacks add a necessary toughness to a football team

Fullbacks just add toughness to a team, and I think it was a really good way to articulate the value of a fullback... It just adds to your team's physicality and their toughness, and the way we play, that's really important to us.

Bill Snyder is retiring just so he can get his son hired as his successor

My favorite thing is when coaches are clearly holding on just so they can get their kid hired. And that's probably what happened [with Bill Snyder].

Darren Rovell is suspended from Pardon My Take for six months for inviting himself on the show

Darren Rovell, you cannot invite yourself like this on Pardon My Take. We are now hereby suspending you from appearing on this podcast for how long? I say six months, at least.

Cody Kessler is trash

I think Cody Kessler stinks. I think he's trash. He's absolutely trash.

Cody Kessler was brought in to make Blake Bortles nervous, not to make the team better

I don't think [Kessler] was there to make Blake Bortles better. I think he was brought in to make Blake Bortles nervous. And that's not a recipe for having a good football team.

Adults should only want cash for Christmas

If you want to get your significant other something very nice for Christmas, it is C-A-S-H, cash. You become an adult and you realize cash is king... I want the cash so I can pay my bookie.

Aaron Rodgers is an extremely competitive guy who still carries a chip on his shoulder from being overlooked in college

Aaron is an extremely competitive guy, chip on his shoulder kind of guy. He's always played like that. I mean, he still carries the chip around the shoulder that, you know, he didn't get offered by Pete Carroll or he had to go to junior college.

Something in the Packers' organization has to change because they have squandered Aaron Rodgers' prime

Something's going on over there, and something's got to be fixed or changed because they've found a way to kind of squander some of his prime years... something's got to change.

Aaron Rodgers is more talented than Tom Brady

I think from a talent level, definitely Aaron. I mean, the guy's insanely talented, and he's got a photographic memory... [but] I'm going to say, just because of my personal relationship, Aaron Rodgers [is the GOAT].

The Green Bay Packers are officially dead

The Packers are finally officially dead. They actually look like they don't want to play anymore... It's just over.

Marvin Lewis should be fired solely for letting the photo of him and Hue Jackson exist

Easily the dumbest decision that Marvin Lewis has ever made as a head coach was letting Hugh Jackson stand on the sidelines against the Browns because that one single picture... Everyone took that picture and was like, dumb and dumber, look at these two fucking idiots. You have to be smarter to not allow that picture to happen.

Russell Wilson is the most terrifying quarterback to face when down in the 4th quarter

Russell Wilson now, to me, is the number one guy in the NFL... right now, week 12, if you were down in the fourth quarter and you had to hand the ball to one quarterback, I'd hand it to Russell Wilson.

Chase Daniel is not a good quarterback and only remains in the NFL because he looks the part.

Chase Daniel is not good. No, he's really not good. But here's the thing, and this is exactly why Chase Daniel has been in the league for 20 years. He always looks like he knows exactly what he's doing... he's communicating very assertively towards his coaches, and he's probably just saying the dumbest shit possible. But he looks like—and listen, if you're in corporate America, that's 90% of your job. It's just to look like you have an understanding of what you're supposed to be doing.

Jim Harbaugh is not on the hot seat because Michigan cannot hire anyone better

I don't think he's on the hot seat... because I don't think Michigan can do better. That's the key part. It's like, if you're a Michigan fan and you're like, we want to fire Jim Harbaugh, who the fuck are you getting? No one.

Ohio State is a better football team than Oklahoma, but Oklahoma would win a head-to-head game.

Ohio State is a better football team than Oklahoma, but Oklahoma would beat Ohio State head-to-head... Ohio State actually plays defense. Oklahoma doesn't. But if Oklahoma played Ohio State, Oklahoma would absolutely shred them apart because Ohio State's one biggest weakness is the big plays.

The Houston Texans are not Super Bowl ready because their offense is not explosive enough

I don't think it's going to happen. I don't think they're ready yet... I don't think they're Super Bowl ready because I just don't think they're explosive enough on offense. And I don't think play calling-wise, they know how to put their foot on your throat.