Alex Rodriguez

Urban Meyer will eventually be the head coach at USC

We'll just call him future USC head coach Urban Meyer.

Brian Kelly is on the hot seat because Urban Meyer is now 'lurking' for the Notre Dame job

The hot seat, the loser of this, Brian Kelly. Now, I don't think that Urban Meyer is going to coach at Notre Dame, but you better believe that if next year Notre Dame doesn't play well the entire year, there will be a ton of Urban Meyer. He's just lurking. Basically, if you are a premier program now, you have Urban Meyer lurking over your shoulder.

I am going to own the Washington Redskins one day

I want to make my intentions very clear that at some point I'm going to own the Washington Redskins. I'm just saying. It's one of those tricks that you read in business books. If you say it enough, no matter how weird it is... everybody will believe you.

The Eagles will not be successful for much longer despite their recent win

The other thing that happened on Monday Night Football, we had the Eagles somehow getting life. And if you look at the rest of their schedule, they will not have life.

Markelle Fultz's injury diagnosis sounds like a specialty machine scam

Neurogenic thoracic outlet syndrome. That sounds like a diagnosis that you have to go see many doctors to get... and then the last one, you walk in and the doctor's in a huge lab coat smoking a cigarette. He's like, oh, I know what this is. It's just TOS... either that or if you go to a doctor and the first thing they diagnose you with is TOS – you can bet your ass that doctor has like a $700,000 TOS curing disease machine in his back room.

The song 'Mo Bamba' is officially dead now that Big Cat is singing it

My Hot Seat is... Mo Bamba. The song. Because Big Cat finally has become aware of it, has been singing it nonstop for the past couple days. So that's pretty much as clear as day sign that it's over.

Our next breaking news scoop is 100% guaranteed to be correct

The next piece of news that we break, 100% guarantee that it's correct. 100%. We are not going to take any more risks. We're going to get back in the winning streak.

Half the internet will hate whatever name the Seattle hockey team chooses

Whatever they're going to name [the Seattle hockey team], prediction, whatever they're going to name it, half the people on the internet are going to be mad. Half the people are going to like it just like their jerseys.

The late 90s Mariners are one of the best teams to never win a World Series

The sad thing is that I found out very quickly the difference between good and great is very small... That's a great – I think that's one of the best teams that's never won... very seldom do you have a team that you have the best pitcher in the game in Randy Johnson, the best player in the game in Ken Griffey Jr., the best pure hitter in the game in Edgar Martinez, and the scariest, baddest motherfucker in Jay Buhner.

I earned my Yankee pinstripes by the 2009 season

[Speaker 3]: Have you officially, do you think you earned your pinstripes? [A-Rod]: Yes. 100%. Not even a flinch... To 2009.

I hope to get into the Hall of Fame despite my mistakes

Look, I really hope and wish that I get in. But ultimately, that's not my decision. But I do think that I have a great opportunity... if that cost me the Hall of Fame, then I have no one to blame but myself.

NFL punts into the end zone should be worth two points if the punter weighs over 300 pounds

If you should have a guy who's over 300 pounds punting the ball and if they can punt it into the end zone, it's worth two points no matter where you are on the field.