Takes

The Rock is exactly as great as you imagine him to be

He's great, man. He's everything you imagine and want him to be. It's very satisfying. He often gets himself into pickles just like we do, but he's like such a magnetic dude that he'll get himself out of it easier than we can.

Sports stories have more longevity and 'better legs' than traditional showbiz stories

I just think sports is more – that has better legs. You know what I mean? There's more there. Then showbiz... showbiz just kind of like it's the snake eating its own tail. You know, but in football, you know, like you'll read an article like somebody tears ACL and that's it. That's the phrase. It's not even a sentence. It's a phrase. And this show [Ballers] is about all the drama that led up to that and follows that tear.

Chevy Chase ruined the reputation of comedy sets for everyone

I think comedy shows have that reputation [of being competitive or mean] because of Saturday Night Live. Chevy Chase ruined it for everyone. Chevy Chase was such a colossal dickhead. He ruined everything. Everything since then, everyone's like, oh, you have to be a dickhead to be in this show business.

Players are more ashamed and embarrassed to admit high signing bonuses than low ones in front of the team

The one that I loved the most that was the most humiliating... was when you make [rookies] stand up there and they have to tell you what their signing bonus was... you get like the first round guys like Baker [Mayfield] who's going to go up there and say, you know, 'got a 40 million dollar contract' or something. They're really embarrassed and ashamed because it's the first time in their life that they've made money playing football that they're allowed to admit to.

Tom Brady won his first three Super Bowls before his 'glow-up' when he wasn't that hot

Even Tom Brady won the majority of his Super Bowls before the glow-up. He won three Super Bowls before he had the glow-up. [Brady] definitely looks a lot different than he did. He's gotten hotter with age.

Birthdays officially start to suck at age 26

At what age do birthdays just start to suck? Oh, I'd say 26. Everything from there is downhill.

Ray Lewis' Hall of Fame speech was the most ridiculous ever while being exactly what we expected

Ray Lewis just now finished his Hall of Fame speech, which was the most ridiculous Hall of Fame speech while also being exactly what we all expected from Ray Lewis. I actually was getting upset, but I couldn't stop watching because it was so ridiculous.

Nick Saban and Bob Stoops are the ultimate football guys for ignoring a robbery while drawing up plays

They're so invested in making their points that they don't notice when a man walks into the bar with a shotgun and robs the place. So they were out having drinks, diagramming football plays, and they were completely oblivious to a dude robbing the bar with a gun. That is an ultimate football guy story.

Urban Meyer's defense in the Zach Smith scandal is just 'passing the buck' to Gene Smith

Urban Meyer has figured out his defense, and it is kind of what we all expected. He released a statement... and he basically went with the, I have always followed proper reporting protocols... Gene Smith, you are pretty much fucked and Urban Meyer's just gonna say yeah he told everyone and it's your fault for not doing anything.

Johnny Manziel's four-interception CFL debut is actually a decent start because he's essentially playing a different sport

I think that's almost like a good start for him because he's basically playing a totally different role. It's like a baseball player playing cricket. You forget that there's only three downs and they're punting. People are running everywhere.

The Montgomery Biscuits is a top-tier minor league team name

I got to go Montgomery Biscuits. The best part about it is the tongue is a pat of butter.

Rookie of the Year is the best baseball movie

Best baseball movie... I'm actually going to go Rookie of the Year number one... Because it's the Cubs.

Below Deck is the modern-day Downton Abbey

Below Deck is great because it's young people. It's almost like Downton Abbey... It's the modern day Downton Abbey because it's the people who live downstairs serving the people who live upstairs.

The NFL's new helmet rule is just a safeguard against future lawsuits

The rule was put in just as a safeguard against lawsuits, just so they could say we're trying to make it safer. And then now you can't sue us anymore because we care about player safety.

I use a terrible fantasy football strategy of overpaying for two middle-tier running backs

I have a terrible system that I use in auction drafting strategies that has not worked at all, but I still do it. I pay, because I'm an older school guy, I pay for two top 10-ish, like 10th and 11-ish running backs. That's where I spend the bulk of my money. So I'll probably go Saquon [Barkley] and I'll probably go [Leonard] Fournette.

Jerry O'Connell is the worst fantasy football player of all time for drafting only Jets and Browns players

I'm going to pick up Tyrod Taylor. So you take Jets and Browns quarterbacks. You actually are the worst fantasy player of all time... Two Browns, two Jets. You are the worst fantasy football player of all time.

Chase Daniel has robbed the NFL for 10 straight years

Chase Daniel has played in the NFL for 10 fucking seasons. He has made $24 million in cash earnings. We need to bring people to realize, hey, Chase Daniel has robbed the NFL for 10 straight years. He is one and one all time. So he's played two games in 10 years. That might be the greatest snake it till you make it fact of all time.

Lamar Jackson is currently on the roster bubble as a wide receiver

My concern isn't that Lamar Jackson's the fourth string quarterback, it's that he's like the 10th or 11th string wide receiver on that team. He needs... he's on the bubble.

I would have been one of the greatest cornerbacks in NFL history

I'm not going to say Deion because Deion was such a great coach, but I would have been somewhere underneath primetime. I would have been right there at the primetime and playing the way that I play. I see myself as being one of the greatest corners to ever play the game.

I consider myself one of the greatest bench players in basketball history

I just knew that, all right, Nate, you're never going to be able to start. You're not going to be a starting point guard in this league, but we're going to make the best of it, and you're going to be one of the best players that ever come off the bench. And I think I did that, and I consider myself one of the greatest players that ever come off the bench to play the game of basketball.

Nobody in the NBA could have stopped me on the night I dropped 45 points on Steve Blake

I would say my career high against Steve Blake. Steve Blake, I think that I had my career high at 45. I don't think nobody could have held me that night.

Mark Zuckerberg is an unlikable robot with a shitty haircut

I don't know why that guy, [Zuckerberg], he has such an unlikable face. He walks on stage already bombing. It's like the guy before him killed and then the second they just, I don't know if it's the guy's face, his posture, his energy, it's just everybody would hate him. He's a robot. He's got those big pupils that just look like nothing but just black in those eyes. Wrong haircut.

St. Louis Cardinals fans are the most knowledgeable fans in baseball

Best baseball fans, probably knowledgeable and also cool to their team, like forgiving and they weren't assholes, were St. Louis Cardinals fans. They know the game. They know shit like you don't make the first or the third out at third base. They support players that are in a slump. They don't do like that stupid Yankee thing where they boo Derek Jeter.

New York sports outside of the Yankees and Giants is a total shit show

New York sports is basically the Yankees, with the Giants with an honorable mention. If you look at the rest of them, it is a fucking shit show. The Knicks, the Nets, the Rangers, the Mets, the Jets. I mean, it's just everybody. It's like if you combined all those years, how long it's been with all of those teams just not winning championships.

Michael Vick was the greatest player I have ever seen live

Best player I ever saw live was Michael Vick before all the dog stuff... When Michael Vick was allowed to be Michael Vick, there was no better Michael Vick.

The Nationals should have traded Bryce Harper at the 2018 MLB trade deadline.

As one who possesses Natitude, I think [the Nationals] probably should have traded him. My guess is they just got a bunch of shitty offers for him because he sucks this year.

Roger Goodell should revoke David Tepper's ownership if he removes the NFL shield from the 50-yard line.

[David Tepper] is thinking about changing the midfield logo to a Panther. This would be the Panthers spitting in the face of Roger Goodell. I think Roger Goodell should think about revoking his charter as an owner.

You should never eat chicken because it is a 'nervous bird.'

Harbaugh pulled Wilton Speight aside and told him not to eat chicken, a protein that is considered fairly safe by nutritionists. When Speight asked why, Harbaugh said, 'Because it's a nervous bird.' He thinks some type of sickness injected its way into the human population when people began eating white meats instead of beef and pork. And I believe it 100%.

Russell Wilson is a very good quarterback, but he is not great.

For years, everybody thinks I'm a Russell Wilson hater. I just think he's very good and he's not great. People want to put him in the Hall of Fame. Well, now we're going to find out. I don't think the defense is going to be nearly as good... it's his team now. He needs to be great.

The smartest strategy for a team is to draft a top running back, run them into the ground, and let them walk at age 27.

I actually think that it's a smart strategy to draft a running back and then basically you control them through their best years and you never have to pay them in the free agency market. You draft Ezekiel Elliott, you run him to the ground, and then when you franchise tag him... you let him walk.

Matt Ryan is a better quarterback than Matthew Stafford, Russell Wilson, Andrew Luck, and Blake Bortles.

[Ranking Matt Ryan, Matthew Stafford, Blake Bortles, Andrew Luck, and Russell Wilson] I'll go Matt Ryan, [then] Matthew Stafford, Russell Wilson. [Andrew Luck] will be four, and then [Blake] Bortles will be five.

Drew Brees is just a 'dinker and a dunker' now.

Brees still, huh? Really? But all he does is he dinks and dunks. He's a dinker. He's a dunker. No, all he does is, like, oh, I got Kamara. I'm just going to give him the ball and let him run with it. That's what Drew Brees does.

Jimmy Garoppolo's inclusion in the 2018 NFL Top 100 was ridiculous.

Jimmy Garoppolo threw seven touchdown passes and five interceptions last year, and he was in the [Top 100]. In some people, that's ridiculous.

Kirk Cousins is not much better than the version of Case Keenum that the Vikings had in 2017.

I asked this question to some of the [Vikings] guys standing around. I go, is Kirk Cousins, as is right now, that much better than the Case Keenum you guys saw here last year? The answer is no.

NFL owners should pay for their own stadiums without taxpayer money.

The owners should pay for their own fucking stadium. A segment that we'll throw out there... If the taxpayers pay for the stadium, they get to decide the rules. No laws inside the stadium. Anything you want.

Yankee fans holding a candlelight vigil for Aaron Judge's broken wrist is outrageous

This is outrageous for a fucking broken wrist. I think he [Aaron Judge] just got hit in the wrist and a little bone came off... I don't think Jose Fernandez got this type of tribute.

Snakes, lizards, and ferrets are 'pre-crime' animals that shouldn't be trusted

As if we needed another animal to not trust. Yeah, the pre-crime animals. Ferrets and snakes and all that bullshit. A lizard usually, yeah.

Ben Roethlisberger is the last person who should be giving anyone etiquette advice on how to talk to women

You've got Ben Roethlisberger giving etiquette advice, saying you don't ask a woman her age. If there's anybody that knows how to talk to women, it's Ben Roethlisberger.

Checking the actual source of a quote instead of just reading a Twitter headline is the next level of sports journalism

I'm trying really hard to make sure that I actually look at things more than just the sentence I see on Twitter... I realized that I basically just jumped to every conclusion ever, and then I look like an idiot.

The 1990s were the last era where professional athletes could be out of shape and still succeed

The 90s were kind of the last era where guys were basically able to just be fat pieces of shit and go to the whole thing... There's some guy who in every single sport we can trace to. Like, who is the guy who's like, I'm actually going to train in the offseason? I'm going to lift weights.

Kevin Durant's social media sensitivity shows he is not at peace with his move to the Warriors

If people bring up him [Kevin Durant] going to the Warriors, he clearly is not at peace with that decision, even though it has worked out better than even he could have expected... It is because you're Kevin Durant, you're not supposed to respond to trolls in your mentions.

Losing the 2011 Finals to the Mavericks was ultimately good for LeBron James's legacy

The best thing that happened to LeBron, even though the way they lost was not great, the best thing that happened to LeBron was that Miami team losing to Dallas. Because it validated those other two titles. It made it seem hard... The fact that they had real adversity made the rest of the championships feel validated to the public.

LeBron James is objectively the greatest basketball player ever

Wouldn't change the fact that he's [LeBron James] objectively and obviously the greatest basketball player ever.

Local sports talk radio will survive because people always want a place to 'sound off' immediately after a game ends

I think local radio will be fine... there will always be the thirst for people the moment the Cubs game ends to sound off about it. No matter how good a podcast is, it's not on the air the moment the game ends where you can interact.

Tom Brady is the 'Greatest' quarterback ever, but Aaron Rodgers is 'Better' at playing the position than anyone in history

I think Tom Brady's the greatest quarterback ever, but I think Aaron Rodgers is better at playing quarterback than anybody... Aaron Rodgers is better playing quarterback than anybody ever.

Kawhi Leonard winning the 2014 Finals MVP was absurd because LeBron James averaged 28 points on 57% shooting in that series

Kawhi Leonard won the finals MVP, holding LeBron to 56% shooting. [LeBron] averaged 28 [points]... in that finals.

LeBron James intentionally put together a 'blame team' of flawed teammates for his first year in LA

LeBron James, the 2018-19 Los Angeles Lakers, he has put together the greatest blame team of all time. He's basically punted on this year... They have Rondo, JaVale McGee, Lance Stevenson, Michael Beasley. That team will get blamed and laughed at on Twitter every single night, and LeBron James will basically be like, well, what is he supposed to do?

Braves announcer Joe Simpson is the ultimate 'old man yells at cloud' for complaining about batting practice T-shirts

Getting upset about guys taking batting practice in T-shirts... this is maybe my favorite like old man yells at cloud mixed with baseball... Joe Simpson, suck our dicks, dude. You'll never hear this.

Ronda Rousey is likely the greatest female MMA fighter of all time

John Malkovich and a little someone called Ronda Rousey—probably heard of her. She's the best women's MMA fighter of all time, maybe, who knows.

Kevin Durant is thin-skinned but owning up to it makes him relatable

[Durant] can be a thin-skinned B-word, and he also can be very real and actually kind of owning up to the fact that he's a thin-skinned B-word, which I do respect. It makes him so much more relatable. The fact that he deals with the same problems that we deal with.