Takes

Alex Smith is harder to tackle because he has small hands

My theory is [Alex Smith's] hands are so small that there's less of him to tackle. So that's actually an asset at this level.

Alex Smith is a top five good-looking quarterback in the NFL

Alex Smith, shockingly very good-looking guy... Top five NFL good-looking guy. I'm talking about quarterbacks, Hank... Alex Smith's a good looking dude.

85% of The Ringer's basketball podcasters are 'hipsters' who rely too much on stats

85% of the people that are on the Ringer podcast discussing basketball, they're hipsters. In terms of the stat, stat, stat... I want an eye test. I don't want geometry. Can you play or can you not play?

LeBron James will never be as good as Michael Jordan

23 reasons why LeBron James will never be like Mike... Caitlyn Jenner. Another topic we need more on. LeVar [Ball] can't ball is a good one.

Bill Simmons' HBO show was 'trash' from the first interview

I did his HBO show, which I knew was trash. I knew which we all knew was trash from the first interview from the first person... I knew that when I watched the Simmons thing, everybody knew, because there was so much anticipation and hype, and because he left ESPN, you knew... yo, this is in deep shit.

Tobey Maguire is the worst basketball player I've ever seen

The worst basketball player I've ever seen is Tobey Maguire. That motherfucker. Stick to the poker tables, you nerd.

Clout is a drug that is cocaine-like but not addictive and has no hangover

Clout is like a drug that you only do when you're in Hollywood. You do clout, and you have the greatest party of all time... Clout is like, it's cocaine, but it's cleaner, and it's not addictive. It's not addictive, non-bad for you. No hangover.

LeBron James travels and could learn how to establish a pivot foot from Gordon Hayward's injury

Hey, LeBron James, you could learn a lot from Gordon Hayward about how to establish a pivot foot. [LeBron] travels.

Kevin Durant lacks the clutch gene and will never win an NBA championship where he is the alpha on the team

Kevin Durant lacks the clutch gene. Doesn't get the ball off on time. [He will never win an NBA championship] where he's the alpha on the team. Beta ball.

Freezing Reese's Peanut Butter Cups is the best way to eat them

Reese's, put them in the freezer, kids. That's the next level stuff. Everyone knows that.

Gambling Twitter is in the VIP section of the worst parts of Twitter

Gambling Twitter is in VIP of the worst Twitter. It's definitely... I don't know if they're in this Uber VIP up top where Jay-Z is... but they're in VIP. Twitter trolls are definitely in the VIP of the club of Twitter.

I am never betting on Kansas again

Kansas, you are off the list. After last week, no more. [I am never taking them again].

The Bulls' practice fight is a result of a failure in leadership from John Paxson

This starts from the top. This is leadership from the top. This is John Paxson, who has famously gotten a choking match with Vinny Del Negro... It's a good culture that the Bulls have.

The NFL's ratings decline is a 'fake news' narrative partially caused by warm weather

Ratings are down 7.5%... Fake news, because we watch more than ever... Also, I just want to note this, that it just today felt like fall... You can't fully embrace football when it's 90 degrees.

Calling your partner 'mommy' or 'daddy' is technically the sexiest thing you can say

The words daddy and mommy just mean that you've had sex. They're like an honor. When you get knighted, and now you shall arise as sir once you have sex and you procreate, your name's daddy and mommy. So actually, it's technically the sexiest thing you can say.

Aaron Rodgers has become complacent and needs a backup to challenge him

Aaron Rodgers, I'm just going off my eyeballs here, he seems like a guy that can get complacent. That's just my working theory. So if he has someone who has taken the first four rounds behind him [Brett Hundley], then he has to show up on time.

The NFL is much worse without Aaron Rodgers

I do think the NFL is much worse without [Rodgers] because we already have a league with very few good quarterbacks, and Aaron Rodgers is probably the best one in the NFL.

Joe Maddon zigs and zags too much and doesn't know what he's doing in-game

Joe Maddon has lost his fucking mind because he brought in John Lackey... And you brought him in in the ninth in a tie game with a runner on second. And, oh, would you look at that? John Lackey gave up a game-winning home run... He's zigging and zagging. He doesn't know he's weaving. He's all over the road.

Joe Maddon is not a great in-game manager

I don't think he's that great in-game. I think he's pretty good at rallying a team and getting a team together and getting the most out of a young team, but I would say in-game he leaves a little to desire.

Mike Gundy and Kliff Kingsbury are too pretty to be 'football guys'

Mike Gundy's in really good shape. I don't like that... The mullet has gone to his head... Kliff Kingsbury's another one like that... where he looks too nice. You can't look that nice and that pretty and be a football guy. You're a fake-ass football guy.

Jon Jones is the greatest MMA fighter of all time

I think [Jon Jones] is the greatest of all time. I think if he had done everything the way he should have, he'd be a huge superstar. He might even be the heavyweight champion of the world.

Ronda Rousey is underrated for what she built in women's MMA

Underrated. Look at what she did. Look at what she built. She started it all... That whole combination of what she was is what built the women's mixed martial arts world. It's like a chicken and the egg phenomenon.

DC sports are officially cursed

As a fan of the Nationals and the Capitals, I'm beginning to think maybe somebody from DC Sports went back in time and stepped in a Kardashian or something... It's cursed. At this point we can say maybe Mark Rypien got, what's her name, the matriarch of the Kardashian family, got her pregnant and then had an abortion or something.

The replay rule for runners coming off the bag is the worst rule in baseball

It worked in the Cubs' favor, but I think it's the worst rule in baseball when a guy comes off of a bag and they hold a slide for like a second longer and he's off by a centimeter and they watch a million replays like, yeah, you know what? He was out.

Ernie Johnson and Ron Darling are the least electric duo to call an elimination game

Ernie Johnson and Ron Darling. Maybe the least electric duo to call an elimination game in sports. It sounded like they were just hanging out... It sounded like Ernie Johnson was on the phone with his wife in the other hand, and then he'd just pop into the mic and be like, that's a double.

I miss Joe Buck's 'big game' voice

I'm going to say it. I miss Joe Buck... Joe Buck has a big game voice. That's a fact. Yeah, he could say the exact same things that Ernie Johnson says, but there's something about Joe Buck. You hear that voice, and you know what? It's pageantry.

Barstool Van Talk on ESPN2 is the biggest opportunity we've ever had

We see this as probably the biggest opportunity we've ever had. And we know what's at stake for our entire company and for all the people that we work with and care about.

Ricardo Lewis is a legitimate fantasy sleeper because of his target share

Ricardo Lewis. Great name, even better value. Pick him up. He has the most targets on the [Browns] this year.

The Tim Hortons Buffalo Wing Sauce Latte will make you shit yourself

There's a big problem with combining greasy, spicy food with something that naturally speeds up your bowels like a latte. So those two together are going to have some synergy where you're going to have to drink it on the toilet.

Mark Brunell is dead to Jaguars fans because he cried on TV

This is actually a fun fact for most Jaguars fans out there. Mark Brunell's dead to us. Yeah, because he cried... about football... you can't cry about that.

Jared Goff is currently a better quarterback than Blake Bortles

[I'm taking] Jared Goff [over Blake Bortles]. I mean, because the Jags only threw one pass in the second half last week... so I feel like if your team... it's a game manager.

NFL teams should have a college game ready to play on 12 hours notice if a baseball playoff game gets rained out

So why doesn't the Sun Belt... [if] there's a rain out of an important baseball game, they should have a game ready to go on 12 hours notice.

The Red Sox are officially done and finished

Is it time to push the panic button? Would you say that the Red Sox are done or finished? Ah, they're done.

A manager getting ejected rallies the team like a big hit in hockey

When a manager gets kicked out, it rallies the troops like a big hit in hockey.

Joel Embiid is a bad contract because his knees won't let him play

They just paid Joel Embiid like $150 million, even though his knees are terrible and he's probably not going to play.

The chicken definitely came before the egg because God just created the bird first

I think it had to be the chicken. How did that chicken get made if there was going to be an egg? ... I feel like [God] just created the chicken and boom, the egg was next.

NFL players already fear the Broncos defense before the game even starts

Before we go in the game, we're already in the heads. ... When you turn the film and you see Broncos defense play, I think that automatically gets in quarterback's heads. ... You can watch an interview and you can kind of [smell fear].

There has never been a quarterback better at playing the position than Peyton Manning

When it comes to quarterback, being a quarterback and quarterbacking in the National Football League, there hasn't been a quarterback better than Peyton Manning. ... coming up to the line, being a quarterback, there's not a greater quarterback than Peyton Manning.

If I played offense I would be a tight end because I know how to beat defensive coverages

I'd probably be a tight end. That's a position that I know. I guard tight ends every single day. ... I understand what works, what doesn't work, how to beat the guys on defense because that's where my foundation is.

Sam Bradford is officially 'injured' because wear and tear on a knee is a significant injury

I'm going to say this is actually injured. Like, wear and tear is, that's significant. That's a full injury.

Bruce Arena and the US Soccer front office need to be fired immediately

I'm going to say Bruce Arena. That guy's been around forever. Get the fuck out of here, man. ... GM, clean house.

The Jaguars are actually a good football team

By the way, the Jaguars are actually good, which is the most bizarre sentence to say, but they are very, very close. We need actually a meter.

The Chiefs might be the best team in football

Chiefs might actually be the best team in football. They're fun to watch. I like Andy Reid's offense and how they have Alex Smith is actually throwing touchdown passes.

The Miami Hurricanes are back big time

My Who's Back of the Week, first of all, is a no-brainer. It's the U. The U's back big time.

Coach Ed Orgeron was never on the hot seat at LSU

I'm staying resolute in my support of Coach O. I don't think he was ever on the hot seat. Don't think he's ever going to be on the hot seat.

Jim Sorgi is the greatest Wisconsin quarterback of all time

You are probably the best Wisconsin quarterback of all time, and I'm just going to do—I'm going to say Russ [Wilson] is NC State for this debate.

I would have liked my chances to get a starting job if I were still with the Colts in 2011

I got released after the 2009 season... and then 2011, [Peyton Manning] ends up missing the whole season. That would have been a nice opportunity to kind of get in there and play some games and show what you got and maybe get a pretty good contract from somebody else.

The Patriots defense is never better without JJ Watt

When you have the best defensive player in the league, your defense is going to never be better without him.

There are only two tiers of NFL quarterbacks: those who suck and those who can win a Super Bowl

NFL quarterback situation, there's no tiers. There's no elite and non-elite. It's just either you suck or you can win a Super Bowl. And Jameis Winston will, in my estimation, will ever be a really good sucky quarterback.

Rooting against Tony Romo in the broadcast booth is as fun as rooting against him on the field

Rooting against [Tony Romo] in the booth is actually becoming as fun as rooting against him on the field was. He's like, now this could be a screen here. In my head, I'm like, throw the fucking ball deep.