Takes

Jon Jones' drug test failure for steroids is likely indefensible if he remains silent

If you have any sort of defense ... when guys pop ... especially for an anabolic steroid that allegedly is ingested orally ... you're screaming from the rooftops, telling everybody you're innocent. ... instead of trying to provide answers or some sort of statement, we're not hearing much from Jon Jones.

Madison Square Garden is the best venue for fights over Las Vegas

Vegas has so many great fights, but, man, there ain't nothing like the Garden, brother. [It is the Mecca].

It's better to be the backup quarterback of the Jaguars than the starter

It's better to be the backup quarterback of the Jacksonville Jaguars than the starting quarterback. He's not going to have all that stress, so he's not going to lose his hair as fast.

We should resolve the Confederate statue controversy by shrinking them by half every year

What I propose that we do is we just make every Confederate statue half the size that it is right now, year after year after year. So guess what? They're never going to go away. ... It'll be a penny.

Celtics fans have no right to complain about trading draft picks for Kyrie Irving

I don't understand Celtics fans that have been bitching and moaning about Danny Ainge not trading picks... and then when he does trade it, being like, well, we should have held on to that pick. Because you just got a guy who is [a] top five scorer in the NBA, a guy who can score in the finals of the NBA finals.

The Kyrie Irving trade is a huge win for the Celtics because they now have a core of Gordon Hayward, Al Horford, and Kyrie Irving

I think this is a great trade. People said that Danny Ainge couldn't get free agents to Boston. Now they have Horford, Kyrie, and Gordon Hayward.

Jon Jones is firmly on the Mount Rushmore of steroid users along with Lance Armstrong, A-Rod, and Barry Bonds

He now goes firmly, I think he was already in there, but he is firmly in the Mount Rushmore steroid users. It's like him, Lance Armstrong, probably A-Rod... Barry Bonds.

Time travel is impossible because if it were, people from the future would have already visited us by now

I am [giving up on time travel]. Because if time travel was possible, then people from the past would have already visited us... and people from the future would have come back and visited us.

I could be a professional kicker in the NFL with enough training

I honestly think I could be a professional kicker with enough training.

I have officially given up on the dream of ever being cool

My last one... just being cool... I'm never going to be cool... It's too much work to be cool, so I'm just gonna not be cool.

Odell Beckham Jr. is the second-best fantasy receiver for 2017 as long as he stays off boats

At the moment, I have Beckham at two [in wide receiver rankings]... As long as he stays off boats... He saves it for the postseason, which we don't care about in fantasy.

Al Bundy is one of the all-time great fictional characters

Al Bundy's one of the all-time... I mean, Polk High, obviously. Four touchdowns. But one of the all-time great characters... Ed O'Neill, especially in that role... that character was amazing.

Fantasy football players should wait at least 24 hours after a real-life player's injury before publicly complaining about their fantasy team

I think at least 24 hours. I think at least 24 hours... I certainly don't think you should @ him.

Fantasy football leagues should not have a trade veto unless there is proof of collusion

Veto guy is on my Mount Rushmore. Guy who just vetoes everything. To me, unless you can prove collusion, there should be no veto in [fantasy football].

Mixed drinks and iced coffees are significantly worse if they don't have a straw

I love straws, and I don't care who knows it. When I drink a mixed drink, if I don't have a straw, it sucks. It's so lame... And I drink iced coffee year-round... and I always need [a straw].

Laughter is a universal language that predates spoken word.

How is how does everyone have laugh and as like the universal, like we're having fun. ... You speak Portuguese, you speak, you know, whatever, Taiwanese or whatever, but you both laugh when you're having fun? ... I think laughter came before language, I believe.

I would give away five to ten years of my life to guarantee Wi-Fi on every plane flight.

Nothing worse in the world than being on a plane with no Wi-Fi and no TVs. I would give away five to ten years of my life to make sure that I had Wi-Fi on a plane all the time.

I almost got a tattoo of Javier Baez on the back of my neck after seeing his slide against the Blue Jays.

Javi Baez had such a good slide for the Cubs to win an extra inning... In that time, I almost got myself an El Mago tattoo. ... Maybe on the back of my neck like his MLB tattoo.

Millennials aren't less interested in breasts; they just don't need to Google photos of them because they are actually having sex.

It's because millennials aren't Googling boobs. Pictures of boobs. Yeah, because we have sex. We see it. ... Of course it's going to be baby boomers and old people who, when they're looking for porn online, they just type in pictures of boobs.

The Bears signed Mike Glennon and Mark Sanchez specifically as a 'buffer' so they wouldn't have to sign Colin Kaepernick.

The Bears basically gave themselves a buffer against Colin Kaepernick. They're like, if we sign enough mediocre quarterbacks, no one can say, hey, the Bears should have signed Colin Kaepernick.

James Harden and Chris Paul will not be able to get along on the Rockets because there is only one ball.

There's only one ball. No, only one ball. Only one ball. It's not going to work. No. No, only one ball. They're not winning shit. No. Houston ain't winning shit.

The Ryan brothers are 'football guys' for life, even when they aren't coached.

You don't lose your football guy-ness. ... If anything, it actually enhances their football guy-ness because they're just going out there drinking, getting in fights, wearing jerseys. ... When a football guy loses football, he has basically a slow mental breakdown.

Mike Tomlin is not a true 'Football Guy' because he is always looking for the camera.

I actually disagree on Mike Tomlin. I do not think Mike Tomlin is a football guy. Because Mike Tomlin always knows where the camera is. He always is looking for the camera, doing pointing shit. That's not a football guy.

Consuming social media prevents people from having original thoughts

I actually think we're fucked. ... I talk about it personally... I'm going to go off of social media and I'm going to use this [Motorola] Razr for hopefully two months. That's my goal because I have not had an original thought in more than a year.

Oatmeal raisin is the number one cookie of all time

Number one of all cookies ever is oatmeal raisin cookies. I love the texture of oatmeal and cookies. I think it adds something to the texture that I like.

The Stanford Tree is a top-tier college mascot because it promotes environmentalism

I've got the Stanford tree. ... What, are you anti-green? Are you pro-global warming? Without trees, you would die. You'd suffocate. So you should be on your knees thanking the Stanford tree every day.

Artie the Fighting Artichoke is one of the best mascots in college sports

My number one is Artie, the Fighting Artichoke. Down in Scottsdale Community College. ... It's a great mascot. ... No brainer.

Derek Jeter is only removing the Marlins sculpture because removing statues is currently trendy

Derek Jeter says he's going to take down that stupid fucking fish monument in center field when he buys the Marlins. ... This is classic Jeter. He's just getting in when taking down statues is fab. He's just like, I'm going to get in on this.

Don't ever wear a high school Letterman jacket in college

No Letterman jackets. Come on, guys. When you go to college, high school's over. Don't be that guy who shows up to college and talks about how fun their high school was. That guy's a loser.

Don't have any visitors from high school your first semester of college

Don't invite any of your high school friends to show up... they come, they get too drunk, they get in a fight with your college friends... Don't have any visitors for your entire first semester of college.

Driving under the influence on a Tuesday night is morally worse than doing it on a weekend

Is that really worse, to be driving under the influence on a Tuesday night? I think that it is, by the way.

Tiger Woods' low bar to be 'back' only requires him to swing a club once without pain

Tiger has the lowest bar to be quote-unquote back. All he has to do is swing one golf club once without keeling over in pain, and all the Tiger fanboys will come running and be like, Tiger at the Masters... red shirt.

Golf is only interesting when Tiger Woods or Phil Mickelson are competing on Sunday

golf is a better sport when tiger's competing on sunday... the ratings were all down... we need Phil or Tiger. Basically, we're going to be saying that forever... I guess just like Spieth and Rory and those, they don't do it for me.

Getting kicked out of NFL practice for fighting is a veteran move to get the day off

Once you get past like year four in the NFL, your role in training camp is to just see how little training camp you can do. We call that the Brett Favre. [Kyle Long] got kicked out of practice because he got into a fight... it's a vet move. You throw a punch, get the day off.

Guam is on the Cool Throne because North Korea backed down from their missile threats

Cool throne is Guam. The island of Guam. People forget that exists. Yeah, North Korea, they turned their missiles away. They cucked out big time. They said, guess what? We're going to point our missiles at our own belly buttons or something stupid.

The Mooch wearing women's sunglasses because they fit his face better is a power move

The Mooch also came out and said that he wears women's sunglasses because they fit his face nicely. So all you fuckers out there who haven't embraced wearing women's clothes if they make you look better, fuck off.

A tucked-in t-shirt is the foundational element of 'dad fashion'

One that we missed that I should have said... just tucked in t-shirts. Just getting a t-shirt and tucking it in for no fucking reason.

I am the best defensive player of all time

No, I'm still number one. [Over Dellavedova]... Yeah, I think I was the best I've ever done it.

The 'back to the basket' center is dying out because coaches have stopped teaching the fundamentals

[The back to the basket center is going away] maybe because I believe the coaches are not teaching that much. I think it's about the principle. I don't think there's not a lot of coaches who are emphasizing on that game. Everybody wants to see how fast they can play and move the ball.

Big Ben's trainers should make him sit in a cold tub if his injuries actually required as much ice as he wears

Icing down after practice [Big Ben] had like five huge bags on him. I don't even think that was a real tape job... trainers did not do that because think about this way if you're so injured that you need like six bags of ice the trainers are going to make you sit down, right? You're going to be sitting your ass in a cold tub.

Ricky Fowler is on the hot seat because he hasn't won a major

Hot seat Ricky Fowler. Because he is now in the crew of guys who win majors, and he hasn't won a major.

The NBA is rigged and a deep dive would reveal several fixed outcomes

My number four [30 for 30]... was just the NBA being rigged. I would like a whole deep dive. [I'd like to know] the frozen envelope. I'd like to know if [David] Stern actually suspended MJ for gambling... LeBron winning his first ring. I'd like to know that Lakers-Kings game [with Tim Donaghy].

The New England Patriots would be considered the biggest chokers of all time if not for opposing coaching collapses

A 30 for 30 about how everybody would look at the New England Patriots as being the biggest chokers of all time if it weren't for the three biggest Super Bowl collapse coaching jobs with Pete Carroll, Dan Quinn, and Andy Reid forgetting how clocks work. If it wasn't for those three, then everybody would say [the Patriots] wouldn't be a dynasty. It would be fraud. Overrated.

Bill Belichick is always coaching for his job

He's got to win this year or else. He's never been to back-to-back Super Bowls since 2005. Over 10 years. He's in trouble. Not consistency. He's in trouble... Yeah, he's always coaching for his job. Yeah, his job is to coach. That's his job. It's literally his job.

Clark Hunt is a powerful NFL owner that the public doesn't mention enough

Clark Hunt is a very powerful, influential owner that you don't hear mentioned along with the Maras and Krafts and Rooneys. Clark Hunt is the guy that I'm putting in there.

Ryan Pace drafted Mitchell Trubisky at No. 2 specifically to extend his own job security as Bears GM

My theory is that Ryan Pace wants to extend his shelf life as a GM... if we draft a quarterback with No. 2, I now have a shelf life. John Fox might be gone, but I get another coach. [GMs] can say to the owner, look, we drafted this guy. We're developing this guy. We all deserve extra time.

Kyrie Irving not talking to his teammates is an alpha move.

As the saying goes, it's actually an alpha move to just not look or talk to anybody. So when you see a [Kyrie]-lion... He doesn't even know the lions exist. He doesn't give a shit. Yeah, he's just sitting there waiting for somebody to put some food in his mouth so he can take it to the basket and make an awkward layup.

Break up with your significant other before starting freshman year of college

My first is don't ever have a girlfriend or boyfriend your freshman year of college. Good one. That's breakup time. Yep. ... always break up that first year. You can always get back together if you want to. Long distance.

Never trust a football coach who doesn't use a fullback

My next one is going to be never trust a football coach who doesn't use a fullback. What's he trying to hide? That's a good one. You want a guy that's leading for your teammates out there. What is he trying to hide?

Always Google a question to see if the internet can answer it before asking another person.

Before you ask a question to someone, just Google it first and see if Google can answer that question because that can save you a lot of trouble. It can save a lot of people coming at your neck.