Takes

The Tennessee Titans are the 'Dark Horse' team that isn't actually a dark horse

I also have the dark horse team that's not a dark horse team because everyone says it's their dark horse team. The Tennessee Titans. It's the team that just missed the playoffs and has a ton of young talent.

Derrick Rose signing with the Cavs is sad and marks the end of his relevancy

Derrick Rose just signed with the Cavs... He's going to be LeBron's little sidekick. Is he going to be Robin? It's very sad how his career has turned out. $2.1 million to play with a guy that he absolutely despised when he was in Chicago.

Golf is in good hands with Jordan Spieth as the new face of the sport

Golf is officially on the cool throne because Jordan Spieth, he is now the new face of golf. I don't know if you guys have seen, but golf is in good hands now. We're out of the woods with the post-Tiger Woods era. Jordan Spieth's the guy.

David Ross is the face of baseball because of Dancing with the Stars

One guy that his retirement went so opposite of mine that it kind of annoys me now is David Ross... He was the face of baseball when it was the Dancing with the Stars. Buster Olney or Ken Rosenthal were saying he's the face of baseball because he's what most people would recognize.

Pitching inside is the safest way to attack Aaron Judge

With those guys, like the big guys like [Aaron Judge], I think keeping the ball inside is safer because if you throw it out over the middle, there's the chance to hit it right back up the middle right at you. So keeping it inside and hope they put it on the ground.

Pitching in high altitude causes sliders, curveballs, and sinkers to have significantly less movement

They break less. Sliders break less. You know, sinkers don't sink as much. The key when you pitch in Colorado... was minimizing walks... just less guys on base.

Once a pitcher hurts their back, they are screwed long-term

It's unfortunate. Once you hurt your back, you're screwed. Trust me. [Kershaw] tried to change his workout... and I don't think it helped.

Yu Darvish is the best trade target available among top pitchers

I would take Darvish. I like Darvish. He's got great stuff. I know the Dodgers and Cubs are looking at both those guys, but I mean, they're all really good, but I'm a big fan of Yu Darvish. I like his stuff. I know Verlander's got more... control, but I'm a big Darvish guy.

There is nothing a woman can do to make a man happy after a football loss; he only needs a physical fight

I don't think that guys – there's really nothing that a girl can do to make a guy happy after his team loses a football game. The guy just needs to go out and get in a fight. So here's what you do. Just arrange a fight for him.

Kyrie Irving is requesting a trade to control his own destiny like LeBron James

I love it because [Kyrie Irving]'s basically pulling LeBron in LeBron's face. He's like, I want to control my own destiny just like you have. ... Kyrie's like, yeah, I don't want to stick around for you to leave next year and fuck me over.

Kyrie Irving requesting a trade proves he is a 'beta' player

So Kyrie, not an alpha, right? ... Well, there you go. So that means he's not an alpha. Current beta. He's currently robbing LeBron James Batman. He's self-admitting that he's a beta. ... By asking for a trade, you're telling on yourself that you've been a beta for the last five years.

Floyd Mayweather is a 'small little boy' and that's why the media glosses over his past

Hey, Floyd's a little boy. That's why. He's a small little boy. He's not this big heavyweight guy that everybody's afraid of. He doesn't come across as a woman neither because he's a little guy.

McGregor only stands a chance against Mayweather if he can kick and use knees

McGregor have to be able to kick. ... He has to be able to kick and use his knees. ... [Otherwise] he's not going to stand much of a chance.

I disagree with firing an SEC coach for seeing an escort in Tampa

I disagree with firing an SEC coach for going to see an escort, though, especially if it's in Tampa. That's home of that situation. That's a boys be boys situation.

I used to think my testicles were made of Play-Doh and eating more would make them bigger

My number one, I used to think that your testicles were Play-Doh. So I thought if you just ate more Play-Doh, you'd have bigger balls. I used to eat Play-Doh. For sure. I mean, it's kind of like the Bruce Arians drinking paint there. You got to try all things if you want to have bigger balls.

If you eat tuna fish before you go swimming, you will drown

The old wives' tale, if you eat tuna fish before you go swimming, you'll drown. I really, really thought that. I used to think it, for some reason, specifically tuna fish... basically it was mixing, you know. It makes no sense. You consume a fish to get better at swimming.

Mark Trestman was a smart hiring choice for the Chicago Bears

I said that the Bears thought outside the box when hiring Mark Trestman, and it will pay big dividends as they have one of the smartest coaches in the NFL now.

I genuinely thought I was an elf for two years because of my pointy ears

When I was a kid I actually I thought I was an elf for a while. Because I had pointy ears, right? They're super pointy. It was the pointy ears... this is all inside my own head. And I never told anybody about it. And then like two years later, I was like, oh, thank God, I guess I'm not an elf.

Wally Szczerbiak and Keith Van Horn were going to be incredible NBA players

I thought that Nick Kaner-Medley, Wally Szczerbiak, Steve Wojciechowski, and Keith Van Horn would all be incredible NBA players.

Rajon Rondo is just one notch below Paul Pierce in Celtics history

When Rajon Rondo got traded to the Mavericks, I said he was a notch below Pierce, who was like a notch below Bill Russell.

Billionaires should pay for their own stadiums

It's unpopular to say it, but I think that billionaires should pay for their own fucking stadiums too, Bill [Simmons].

I call the Washington football team the Redskins, but I wouldn't cry if they changed the name

Chris, do you say the R words or do you say the Redskins? I say Redskins, but I wouldn't cry if they changed it. Not even a single tear?

Darren Rovell being 39 proves that if you're a narc in life, everyone assumes you're 15 years older than you actually are

The story was Darren Rovell is actually 39. He's Benjamin Button. Which is fucking crazy. It just proves that if you're a narc in life, everyone will just assume you're 15 years older than you are.

The Challenge is the fifth best sport in America

If we're talking about non-mainstream sports, that's The Challenge. It's the fifth best sport in all of America.

Colin Kaepernick has a 'Bob Ross thing' going on and the NFL wants a surgeon at quarterback, not an artist

Kaepernick's hair, he's got like a Bob Ross thing going on. The guy that was on Public Access, the painter guy. And if you want to be a quarterback, we don't want an artist, right? We want a surgeon.

The 'Player to be Named Later' in baseball trades is enticing because it sounds like they could be anyone, even a Hall of Famer

But the player to be named later, it sounds really enticing. It's like, that guy could be fucking awesome. Could be anyone. Yeah, could be a Hall of Famer.

Curling is chess on ice and is a perfect mix of brain and brawn

It's chess on ice. It's a perfect mix of brain and brawn, and yeah, it's fantastic. The sweeping is incredibly taxing.

Moms are the most important job because there would be no troops without them

It is the most important job that you can do. [Gun to my head] I'm going to go with moms come first. There would be no troops if it wasn't for moms.

Michael Jordan is better than LeBron James

[Gun to your head] I mean, you go with MJ.

LeBron James' career is an incredible feat given the spotlight he has faced since age 18

For what [LeBron]'s had to handle from such a young age... to have the entire world spotlight on you, expecting you to be great, and to go out there and to live up to all the hype that people have put on you. And also have a clean record off the court... that's incredible.

Winning a Super Bowl is more important than making the Hall of Fame

Super Bowl champion. The Hall of Fame is awesome. It's really cool. But I think at the end of the day, you know if you played good or not. I don't think you necessarily need the justification of wearing it.

Success is not owned, it's leased, and rent is due every day

Its success is not owned its least and rent is due every day. And that's what I said... I've never once said that that was my quote. I've said before that it's not my quote. But people always give that to me.

Saving a child's life is more important than saving an elderly person

Saving a child's life. I mean, if you're going to save one, you've got to save the kids.

Kirk Cousins is the poster boy for a quarterback bubble where teams feel forced to overpay mediocre players

I feel kind of bad for [Cousins] because he is the product of a quarterback bubble that we knew was going to burst eventually where teams just give these contracts out to guys like, are we sure they're good? And that is [Cousins] to a T. Like, okay, he's okay, but is he good? Eh, I don't know.

Dana White is looking bloated and out of shape

Dana White, a story that's not being talked about, he's looking pretty fat. Like he's bloated. I don't know. Maybe that those billions that he got has gone to his head... standing takes so much effort. Standing is not fun for guys who are overweight, and he's like, I'm going to lean all my body weight on this podium because I cannot stand up anymore.

The Aaron Judge slump is caused by participating in the Home Run Derby

The Aaron Judge, did he fuck up his swing, is fully back. He's like one for 14 right now. I think we called that before the home run derby even started, right?

You can't be one of the best players on a team if you only played three games

I think last year, yeah, I would not – I mean, you only played three games. You can't be one of the best players on the team if you only played three games.

I will never publicly put out statistical goals again

Never put numbers out anymore because then all people do is bring up those numbers and they don't actually watch. I did that one year... and for the rest of that next season and beyond, everybody's like, well, he didn't hit it. And everybody compares you to that.

My cabin in Wisconsin is actually the nicest house in America

I never actually called the cabin minimalistic... [it's] the nicest house in America. Beautiful house. I did one interview about the cabin and I never actually called the cabin minimalistic... then they find out it's a big cabin, and I'm like, I never said it was a small cabin.

Roger Federer is the GOAT and the classiest athlete of all time

He's the GOAT, but he's also the classiest. So a lot of class getting thrown around when we talk about Federer. The gentleman. Just the smoothness with which he plays. That is a guy that you want to be dating your daughter.

Game of Thrones has too many storylines for a man to follow

I don't like how there's so many storylines that are simultaneously going. I'm a guy. I understand one thing happening. You're either angry or happy. That's why guys like porn so much. They're fucking. That's the storyline. And then it's over.

Deontay Foreman should become a Second Amendment activist to resolve his PR issues in Texas

This is a very on-brand thing in Texas, to have a gun. Everyone's got a gun in Texas. Just become a huge Second Amendment guy. Deontay Foreman should go into the Houston Chipotle with an AR-15 strapped over your shoulder. ... Then I'm sure you'll get all the NRA people just absolutely 100% having their back.

Conor McGregor should just foul Floyd Mayweather to avoid an embarrassing boxing loss

What if [McGregor] just starts kicking and grabs Mayweather, throws him to the ground, just beats the shit out of him? Obviously he loses the fight, it's a DQ, but he would beat the shit out of Mayweather. That way you don't have to suffer an embarrassing loss and you get paid a shitload of money.

The Jose Quintana trade is a win-win for both the Cubs and the White Sox

The White Sox and Cubs actually pulled off a trade, and I actually like it for both sides... maybe the Cubs got exactly what they needed, a cost-controlled arm, and the White Sox keep building. ... You're getting the sure thing right now to keep your window open.

99% of office meetings could be solved with a text thread

I would say that 99% of meetings in general could just be solved with a text thread.

Atlanta is a college sports mecca, which is why the professional teams struggle for support

Atlanta is a college sports mecca. They love their college sports in Atlanta. That's why the pro teams kind of get the shaft a little bit.

Alex Rodriguez was a more entertaining Yankee than Derek Jeter because of his massive highs and lows

Alex [Rodriguez] is the most entertaining Yankee more than Derek [Jeter] because of the highs and lows. He'll bring you as high as you want to be and he'll bring you as low as you want to be.

Aaron Judge is the face of baseball right now

With Mike Trout being hurt, Mike Trout being on the West Coast, the New York market is just crazy about baseball. ... it's hard to say [Judge] is not the face of baseball right now.

People who own rats, ferrets, snakes, or iguanas aren't right in the head

Rats, ferrets, snakes, iguanas, those people aren't right in the head. Steer clear.

The MLB All-Star Game sucks because the teams don't have enough time to haze each other

The my theory as to why the All-Star game sucks is that the teams don't have enough time to haze each other so there's no team building before the game starts. You don't get to like tape a guy to a wall... there's not enough buy-in on the team.