Takes

Dentist offices should be installed on airplanes to save time

I'm also the guy who has the idea that we should start having dentist offices in planes so we can, you know, kill two birds with one stone... obviously we're gonna have to get through some of these hurdles [like turbulence].

You cannot make Boston racism jokes about Gordon Hayward if he is moving there from Utah

One first hot seat is people making Boston racism jokes and saying that Gordon [Hayward] went to Boston because he liked... casual racism. Guess what? You can't say that if he goes from Utah. Doesn't work that way.

Carmelo Anthony's 2 AM workout videos are laughable

Carmelo Anthony was working out over July 4th... it was so laughable that his own team actually laughed at it. I don't know if you saw that clip. No, there was a clip of the Knicks front office sitting at a summer league game watching the clip of Carmelo Anthony working out all laughing at him.

Adrian Wojnowski is on the hot seat for being 'cucked' by his own reporting and transition to TV

Woj, Adrian Wojnowski on the hot seat big time. He was getting cucked left and right on his reporting... He actually screwed up because he walked back the Gordon Hayward trade, right? And so he's like, actually, it's not done. And then he got double cucked over the top when Gordon broke his own news.

The July 5th hangover is the worst hangover of the year

Just the July 5th hangover in general. That is the worst hangover of the year.

Adding a second staircase to elevated bar levels significantly increases social interaction

I used to build elevated levels in bar and restaurants like everyone else with a staircase... you feel like a freaking idiot. You've got to turn around, walk back the other way. You're busted... So I simply put a second staircase in on the other side... social interaction went up big time. I'm guessing there are people that are married to this very day because of that freaking staircase.

NFL teams should use comedians or bands as opening acts to improve the stadium experience

what is the kind of stuff that, you know, cat can get that he can't get at home? ...putting a band before a game or after a game so that you can infuse a different type of entertainment into a show doesn't hurt either. I mean, you're going to laugh at this, Dan, but how about a comedian to open as an opening act?

Empty seats in NFL stadiums are a bigger embarrassment than 'minor league' promotions

Isn't that interesting that it's beneath them, but the empty seat isn't beneath them? I mean, it's pretty asinine and pretty egotistical. To me, the empty seat would be beneath everything.

Zing Zang is the only acceptable Bloody Mary mix

The things I hate the most about bars, number one, when they make their own Bloody Mary mix instead of using Zing Zang. Because Zing Zang... It's the perfected Bloody Mary mix. There's no topping it. It's perfect all around.

Bar farters are a major societal problem

Number one, I have a longstanding issue with it. Bar farters, anyone who farts in a bar, because they know they have the masses to hide behind. I think it's bullshit when you're walking through a bar and boom, it smells like someone just took a shit on the floor.

If a bar offers wings on the menu, they are obligated to provide wet naps

No wet naps when you have wings on the menu. That's another big one. Need that.

Rickie Fowler is coming off desperate by liking all 164 of his girlfriend's Instagram posts

Ricky Fowler, who apparently has been liking... He's liked every single one of his girlfriend's Instagram posts. Yes, 164... He's coming off a little desperate. Maybe tone it down.

Jamie Horowitz should have worn a hat to hide his large forehead

Jamie Horowitz... Definitely should have been a hat guy. Should have went with a big hat. He's got a large forehead, and I'm not saying that's why he got fired, but it's the Tom Crean, right? It's like you can't give them an extra reason to fire you... if you have a big forehead that just looks stupid.

Befriend your TA instead of your professor to get better grades in college

You got to befriend your TA because that's the guy who's going to be reading everything. That's the guy who's going to be doing your grade. That's the guy or girl who is going to be deciding your fate. So forget the professor. Go find the TA.

The best way to enjoy a boat is to have a close friend who owns one rather than owning it yourself

My number three is having a friend with a boat but not actually owning one yourself. So you never want to be the guy with the boat. You want to be the guy that's got a good friend. They'll take you out, and if you throw them some fuel money, you're good.

The best way to enjoy a lake is to float in the middle with a life jacket and five beers

I like to just put on a life jacket and just sit in the middle of the lake and just drink beers, drink like five beers while I pee and just do nothing else. So you just sit there. It's great. You get all your friends just sitting there doing nothing.

Being called 'football smart' is actually an insult meaning you are dumb in every other regard

People come up to me and they say, well, he's football smart. That means that he's, they have no common sense and they're pretty much dumb in every other regards. So yeah, that's not a tag you really want.

Mike Krzyzewski and Bill Belichick are the two best coaches of this generation in any sport

Would you guys agree that in any sport, take all the major sports, is there a better coach in our generation than Coach K? Belichick, Krzyzewski. I don't know if you get any better than that.

Nick Saban's resting heart rate is just 'angry'

Nick Saban, because Nick Saban, he's like a volcano that only erupts every now and then. But when it does, and Nick Saban, you get the added bonus where he yells at his coaches... His resting heart rate is angry.

I will be happy if the Jacksonville Jaguars manage to win just two games this season

For the last eight years, I've thought that this is our year, like that we're going to be better. That's really so stupid. I'm just going to be like, if we win two games, then I'm happy. Everything else is icing on the cake after two.

Phil Jackson's master plan was to get paid for screwing up the Knicks

Phil's master plan was to get paid for screwing up a franchise and he's getting paid. He's just like [fucking] the ground, having a good time, getting paid for it. He played James Dolan like a fiddle.

Attending an Ivy League school like Princeton hurts a player's NFL draft stock

I think [going to Princeton] hurts. In fact, we had another guy my year at Princeton that got drafted. Ryan Grigson... said, 'I'll never make that mistake again.' You know, I just didn't believe that Princeton could have two dudes the same year. And the other guy was like a total freak show... they didn't even look at me because of that.

Ryan Fitzpatrick would not be in the NFL if he hadn't gone to an Ivy League school

Ryan Fitzpatrick, I'm convinced if he went to Virginia Tech, there's no chance he would still be in the NFL.

Jay Cutler is a dick and not a good human being

I've talked to multiple guys that played with [Cutler], and I've seen Cutler. Cutler is not a good human being. ... He's a dick.

Reduced practice time and the lack of two-a-days has significantly hurt NFL offensive line play

I think [the reduction in practice] has a lot of impact on the offensive line. ... if you're not working with the guy next to you that often, you're just going to mess up. ... best O-lines are the teams that they're around long enough that they're doing dummy calls and just totally messing with the D-linemen's minds.

The Patriots' winning culture is actually miserable and based on negative reinforcement

Terrible culture. So terrible. When I was there, 05 and 06, most of the guys were pretty miserable. You always feel like you're kind of being watched... It's 100% negative reinforcement. They start every meeting with the five worst plays from the day before. So your whole motivation is to not be on the low light tape and have Belichick cussing you out.

Romeo Crennel was way too nice to succeed as the Browns head coach

If I could have been honest, I would have been like, 'Romeo Crennel is way too nice. He'll never last.'

The 'All-Joe Team' is just a list of mediocre white NFL players

It just means you're really shitty and white. For the most part, I believe. I don't know.

Bartolo Colon's obesity is a genius life hack because nobody suspects fat people of using steroids

Bartolo Colon, I'll tell you, that guy, he is a walking, talking life hack. ... when you're that fat, no one ever thinks you do steroids. So he just made a fucking 20-year career in Major League Baseball.

Chick-fil-A would sell 16% more chicken if they opened on Sundays

I've actually got a foolproof idea for how you guys can sell at least 16% more chicken. ... Open your [restaurants] on Sundays. That's the only day of the week that I want to eat Chick-fil-A is when I'm hungover on Sunday and it's always closed.

The Bulls front office vote for Executive of the Year was a self-vote by Gar Foreman

Gar Foreman, he got a single vote for executive of the year. ... I still think it was himself I think it was himself it's like James Harden getting one vote for defensive player of the year yeah survey says it was himself

Jeff Fisher actually thinks going 7-9 is the best record you can get in the NFL

I'm going to expose Jeff Fisher. He actually thinks going 7-9 is the best record you can get in the NFL.

Vince Young, Matt Leinart, Reggie Bush, and Lendale White were all pro busts

Reggie Bush, who's been pretty much a bust. So it's Reggie Bush, Lendale White, Vince Young, and Matt Leinart. Wow.

The US needs to replace Uncle Sam with James Harrison as its national rebrand

The US is in need of a rebrand. Uncle Sam, I'm kind of sick of Uncle Sam, like the tall guy with the beard. Just put James Harrison in the Uncle Sam outfit. No country will fuck with us.

Golf celebrations are best when they are simple hat tips rather than failed physical coordination

I think golf celebrations are best executed when it's just the two guys taking their hats off and tipping them at each other. Just like a real, let's keep it, let's crawl before we learn how to walk, let alone run. The golf celebration is just you take your visor off before you shake the guy's hand.

If you stay in a bar that is uncomfortably hot, you are a crazy person

If you go into a bar that is hot and you don't leave immediately, you're a crazy person. I will absolutely call a night like, alright, night's over if I walk into a bar and it is uncomfortably hot in there.

60s and 70s rock was specifically made to be listened to in a car on the highway

Bands in the late 60s and 70s made all of their music so that it sounded beautiful in a car going 75 miles on the highway.

Lincoln Riley is the right character and guy to lead Oklahoma forward

Lincoln's the right guy. He's got all the right attributes and character to be the guy to continue to lead the program forward. And I knew that. And I believed strongly that the administration would believe that as well.

The story about Mike Leach locking a player in a shed is likely misunderstood

I don't believe [Mike Leach] did it then either. I think that whole story got a little bit mixed up.

Kevin Love is the perfect fall guy for LeBron James because he won't talk back

Actually we kind of predicted this, that Kevin Love was going to be the fall guy. Everyone knows you need a fall guy. Chris Carter told everyone, need a fall guy. Kevin Love is the perfect fall guy for LeBron [James] because Kevin Love's never going to say anything. He's not going to subtweet. He's just going to go about his business.

Russell Wilson is at the bottom of NFL coolness

Derek Carr is pretty much a great player, pretty lame dude. Way cooler than Russell Wilson. But to be chirping Russell Wilson and ball-busting Russell Wilson, Russell Wilson is actually at the bottom of NFL players when it comes to coolness.

If you are getting chirped by Derek Carr, you need to reevaluate your image

If you're getting stunted on by Derek Carr, it's time to reevaluate your image a little bit.

The Big 3 should hire Bob Huggins to kiss players who get injured on the sidelines

We hire our friend Bob Huggins on retainer, and he just stands on the sidelines so he can kiss everyone who gets injured. Because you know it's like, hey, half the guys you're here to watch are going to get injured, but you get to see Bob Huggins mouth kiss them.

Minnesota fans are not allowed to use the nickname 'Jimmy G. Buckets'

You do not get to call him Jimmy G. Buckets. That's Stacey King. That doesn't transfer. That does not transfer. Stacey can call him Jimmy G Buckets. Jimmy gets buckets. You can't then have that.

I am officially authorizing Minnesota fans to call Jimmy Butler 'Jimmy G. Buckets'

I'm going to go ahead right now and officially authorize Minnesota to call him Jimmy G Buckets. If you live in Minnesota, go for it.

Bulls front office members Gar Foreman and John Paxson remain fuckheads

Gar Foreman and John Paxson remain fuckheads. [The Bulls season] never even began, but yes, it is over. They're dead... I don't trust these guys to actually rebuild correctly. I mean, you got fucking trainers saying that they're worse than drug dealers.

Lauri Markkanen is a bum who is soft and sucks

I find out they drafted... Lauri Markkanen from Arizona. I am now going to sell myself on this guy, which is going to be the greatest spin zone of all time, because we went to the Pac-12 championship game, and I think we said multiple times, this guy fucking sucks. He's a bum. He's soft.

The Sacramento Kings actually had a good draft

Sacramento Kings. The Kings actually drafted well. So they got Fox, Justin Jackson, and Harry Giles from Duke. And I actually for a moment was like, is the world – are we still on earth right now?

Phil Jackson is the Wile E. Coyote of the NBA

You could just make up a story like Phil Jackson was spotted walking around MSG with his hand in a toaster and his foot stuck in a bucket and he fell off a balcony, and his feet kept moving until he looked down, and then he fell. He's basically become the Wile E. Coyote of NBA.

The Vegas Golden Knights jerseys suck

Those jerseys suck. Bad sleeves. Suck. It's like they tried to get as many colors as they could fit on a sleeve... A fictional 2004 franchise in Madden has better jerseys than a 2017 real-life franchise. It's really bad.