Takes

The 1990s Atlanta Braves are a dynasty with an asterisk because they only won one World Series

The exception to this rule is if you play in a conference that you dominate for a long time but then keep getting your ass kicked in the finals. So I'll give you an example. I would say the Atlanta Braves 1990s team is a dynasty with an asterisk on it.

NFL mock drafts 5.0 and 6.0 are entirely made of smokescreens

When mock draft 5.0 and 6.0s are coming out, those are actually all smokescreens, too, because all the NFL personnel people that talk to the guys doing the mock drafts, they're telling them lies the whole time.

Sean McDermott is a gritty, energetic coach who will have the Bills ready to compete

McDermott's a good guy. He's a straight shooter. He's a really gritty guy. You know, the guy has energy. He wants to compete. Everything he says and does, he brings energy to.

I was a better prospect than the players drafted ahead of me in the 2005 NFL Draft

I saw guys coming off the board in front of me that i knew i was better than and i got upset and i was pissed. ... first-round talent on the field. Undrafted baggage off the field.

I hate the hockey handshake line because people talk about it too much

The handshake line is one of those things that I didn't want to hate, but people talk about it so much that I have to hate it.

I'm disappointed there is no Jaguars vs. Titans Thursday night color rush game this year

I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed in [the NFL]. Because for the first time in what feels like 10 years, there's no... Jaguars, Titans, Thursday night color rush. That's so fucked up. It's really massive. That was probably my favorite game of mid-October every year.

The Blackhawks have no chance to win the series after Game 2

The Blackhawks had no chance after game two. Did they score a goal? They scored a couple goals. They actually doubled. No, they scored, what, three goals in the series. That's pretty good.

I am concerned about the Blackhawks' aging core and bad contracts

I actually – I don't want to get too deep into it, but I do think there are issues at hand. They were – It was one of those situations where they had a lot of old guys, a lot of young guys... And I am concerned about some of the contracts. Let's just say that.

Sidney Crosby and the Penguins have the Capitals' number

I thought if the Caps could overcome this, they would do okay. But, man, Sidney Crosby and the Pens have their number, man.

The NBA playoffs are predictable and the first round is a joke

I mean, the only thing I don't like about basketball is just like it's pretty predictable who's going to the conference final. It's never really a surprise. So it's just the first round's a joke. Does anyone even pay attention until the conference finals?

LeBron James feels scripted and forced compared to the cool cockiness of Michael Jordan

I respect [LeBron] as an athlete... I just feel like he's a little scripted. Everything he does is calculated where I feel like people compare him to Jordan where I'm like, Jordan was so much cooler. He just carried that cool cockiness where I feel like, it's forced by LeBron.

Mike Gundy has decided to be a crazy person for the rest of his career as a branding move

I think what happened was he went out and he saw how good it felt to say something crazy and be perceived as like a crazy dangerous person in public that he's like you know what I'm just going to be fucking nuts for the rest of my career that's my brand that's what I'm going with I'm going to out crazy Mike Leach.

The Capitals need the Blackhawks to win some games so they aren't the only story of disappointment in the first round

The Capitals need the Blackhawks to win at least a couple games because the Blackhawks, as it stands right now, getting swept, will be the story of the first round in terms of disappointment and people laughing at something.

The Maple Leafs play hockey like kids having sex

I will say this about the Maple Leafs. They... play hockey like their kids, like the same way that kids have sex. ... kids get out there and they start fucking and they're like, I'm going to go a million miles an hour and just go fast and score. That's what the Leafs do. So they come out and they skate too fast and they go a hundred miles an hour. They'll burn out.

The Celtics look lost without a 100% focused Isaiah Thomas

But for Isaiah Thomas, who's clearly the Celtics' number one option in the heart and soul of the entire team, for him to not be 100% focused and 100% there for obvious reasons... it just makes the team look lost. You can just tell they're not fully in sync.

Paul George's rivalry with LeBron James is completely manufactured

All rivalries pale in comparison to the Paul George-LeBron James rivalry. ... Paul George said that his rivalry with LeBron James is for the culture. ... a crazy rivalry that I don't think anyone including LeBron James knew existed. ... it's kind of like what we're doing with that snowflake cuck Mark Cuban just creating a rivalry out of nowhere.

LeBron James should be in the GOAT conversation with Michael Jordan

I'm one of these guys who says that LeBron should be in the conversation with Jordan. ... Michael Jordan, probably the best NBA player of all time... but [LeBron] should be in the conversation.

Closers in baseball are used incorrectly by only pitching the ninth inning

Closers are not used well today. It's stupid to only come in the ninth inning. It's because you have the statistic 'the save' that actually measures things badly. ... You should be using them in the most high-leverage situation of the game.

Offensive linemen who don't wear sleeves in the cold are tougher than the ones who do

My favorite sabermetric stat is offensive linemen that don't wear sleeves are tougher than the ones that do. Especially in the cold weather. If you wear sleeves, you're a pussy.

The San Antonio River Walk is overrated and trashy

They are very proud of Alamo and a river that has trash in it. ... The river walk's overrated. ... Every building is gray and it's never sunny.

A block is the new dunk in basketball

Quick embrace debate: is a block the new dunk? [PFT: Yes. I think so, too.] I do think that the way [Draymond Green] was blocking guys, that was better than more momentum than a huge ruckus dunk.

It is okay to be a fair-weather fan

My who's back of the week is fairweather fans... I think it's okay to be a Fairweather fan. I don't like the people that come out of the woodwork being like, oh, you only cheers for the Bruins in the playoffs.

Leicester City winning the Premier League was crazier than the Cubs or Cavs championships

[Leicester winning] was by far of those four. That's like kind of what we want people to compare... Leicester City, that was freaking weird, especially given how they're not very good this year either.

Improvement in pitchers is less suspicious than hitters developing late-career power

With pitchers, pitching is such a funny thing that I kind of am not suspicious when a pitcher all of a sudden gets good... But for a hitter to suddenly develop power... It's definitely weird to see guys improving at age 36.

The San Antonio Spurs are the most impressive franchise in American sports history

The Spurs are the most impressive franchise in the history of American professional sports, right? They've been good for, like, 25 of the last 26 years.

Jimmy Butler is a slightly better player than Paul George

I think [Jimmy] Butler is a pinch better [than Paul George].

NBA bench depth beyond the 8th man doesn't matter in the playoffs

The [ten-man depth] does not matter. I'm a big believer in the seven and eight teams. ... If none of these ten guys can beat LeBron, what the hell does it matter?

Golden State is better with Kevin Durant than without him

So you think that they're better with Kevin Durant? Yeah, for sure. I mean, I think they were better this year than they were.

Soccer needs scandals like the Kardashians or star players fighting fans to blow up in America

I really do think, though, that soccer, if soccer wants to blow up in America, they need to start just doing the things that are classic American sports. Someone needs to date a Kardashian. Someone needs to maybe tweet a picture of their penis by accident. Go into the stands and fight a guy.

Crying about sports is the most manly thing a man can do

Crying about sports is the most manly thing that you can do... why not like grown men cry? That's OK. We can accept it.

Overtime hockey is the worst experience in sports when your team is playing

You know what else is bad is overtime hockey when your team is in it. If another person's team is in it, it's great... But when it's your team, you just want to eat a gun.

Bill Belichick missing a court subpoena is the ultimate 'baller' move

He was subpoenaed during the Aaron Hernandez double murder trial, and he just didn't show up in court... That's genius. That's Belichick just being a baller... He treated it like he had a late movie to Blockbuster, not a fucking murder trial subpoena.

The internet is too cynical about new jerseys and the Lions' grays aren't that bad

I think they're fine. I think they're good. This is what the internet does. They just release something and then everyone says that's awful and then everyone just jumps on it. The grays don't look that bad.

The internet's cynical reaction to the Lions' new uniforms is overblown

The internet is so cynical all the time that it's like they literally are the same uniforms as the old uniforms. They just have a William Clay Ford tribute on them... You've got to save good jokes for times when they're worth it.

The Cleveland Indians should retire Chief Wahoo and just sell throwbacks for profit

I also don't know why they don't. They just get rid of it. Do the C. Do the block C. And then just sell it as throwbacks. You can still make money off it. Just like, you know what, guys, you're right. It's 2016. We need to do a better job with this logo. And then in a year, be like throwback night.

Coach K is using bizarre 'freshman roommate' pitches to recruit Zion Williamson

This is a weird move by Coach K. He's telling Zion Williamson, at a school like Duke, it's tough to get in. So he said, you never know who you could be living with. You might be on the hall with a person who will be the president one day or a brain surgeon.

Coachella is just Burning Man for millennial social media kids

It's burning man for millennial social media kids because... I look on Instagram and it's like all these very attractive young ladies like, oh, can't wait for Coachella. And I'm just thinking, you're not a music festival person. You're not going to go tent for three days and live in shit.

Indianapolis is the true 'Barstool America' because it's stereotypical heartland

We Oxford Dictionary-ed what America is. Stereotypically American was the answer, and I said, well, I think that's more like everything I do in my life... I'm all about the heartland here. And even New York City, boy, has grown on me... but when I got here, I really thought I was in foreign land.

Buffalo Wild Wings is making a comeback with larger wings

Their wings got bad there for a little while. They're coming back, though. The wings are good. They got bigger wings.

Having 15 bridesmaids in a wedding is ridiculous and impossible

I think anytime you reach double digits, it's like, holy shit, what's going on here? ... Nobody has that many friends. If you have 12 people in your wedding, that means that either you're just trying way too hard to please people or it just means that you're rich and all your friends are using you for your money.

Swallowing dip spit is significantly worse than drinking pee

I would... I would beer bong three solid urination trips over taking one sip of dip, spit, and swallowing.

You have to suck for a long time before you are allowed to be good in the NBA

I'm a big pay your dues guy. So I can appreciate that. You have to suck for a while before you're allowed to be good at it. Those are the rules. It took Jesus like 30 years before he started washing whores' feet and making miracles. You got to pay your dues. You got to go out there. You got to be a carpenter for a while before you can be a messiah.

Chris Paul's legacy will be as the best point guard in the league who also liked to punch people in the balls

His [Chris Paul's] legacy is going to be like, when he was healthy, he was the best point guard in the league and also liked to punch people in the balls.

The Clippers are officially in America's 'friend zone'

Here's the thing about the Clippers. They're not a threat to do anything. They're in the friend zone. They're in America's friend zone... I'm totally comfortable with them taking me home on a late night and walking me back. I know it's going to be a hug and I'm going to go into my house.

The Cavaliers are scared of the Bulls and punted the number one seed to avoid them

Are the Cavs scared of the Bulls? Because it all signs point to yes they have punted on the number one seed which means we have the inter podcast matchup Celtics-Bulls.

Betting over/unders in NHL playoffs is the biggest rush in gambling due to empty netters

My favorite part about the NHL playoffs is betting the over-unders. There's no bigger rush in gambling than the last minute empty netters.

Atlanta is primarily a college football town rather than a pro sports town

It is a football town. I mean, you know, it's more of a college football state it really is... Saturdays in the fall are all about them dogs. That's by Alabama, the University of Georgia.

I wouldn't be opposed to the NBA shortening the 82-game regular season

Well, I wouldn't be opposed to shortening it [the NBA season] a little bit. I think the bigger issue of rest and all that is what you have to address first.

Tony Romo's legacy is taking a hit because he looks unathletic and has man breasts

Tony Romo's legacy is taking a hit from this because, one, he looks super unathletic. Two, part of that is I now see that he has man breasts.

Jordan Spieth should keep losing The Masters so he doesn't have to take his hat off and show he's balding

When you don't win the Masters, you don't have to take off your hat and show everyone that you're 23 years old and already balding... Like, until you get the hair plugs, until you're ready to take the leap and get the hair plugs, maybe just keep losing Masters so you don't have to take the hat off.