Takes

More football is always better, so everyone complaining about Thursday Night Football should shut up

I would need people on Twitter, all the nerds out there who keep complaining about Thursday night: Shut up. More football is always better. Don't do this. You're ruining it. I hate people who are like, Thursday night football sucks. Guess what? It's better than no football.

Raiders fans fighting doesn't stick out as much now because the team is actually winning.

Raiders fans fighting because the Raiders are good. So it doesn't stick out as much. It used to be like, damn, the Raiders suck. All that we ever see is Raiders fans fighting. Now it's like, oh, Derek Carr's pretty fun.

Aaron Rodgers isn't washed; the Packers' defensive injuries are the real problem

I don't think [Rodgers] was ever gone. I mean, their defense kind of sucks. So that's not really helping his cause when he's throwing for 300 yards and three touchdowns and they still lost. I don't really get that whole narrative. They've got a lot of injuries, especially on defense.

Jay Cutler will always leave fans wanting more with flashes of greatness before he inevitably self-implodes.

That's the cool thing about Cutler as a Packers fan and player. It was like he's going to leave you like – he's going to leave those Bears fans wanting more and like, oh, look at this. Look at this flash of greatness. And then he'll totally just self-implode.

Wilton Speight choked against Ohio State and is more to blame for the loss than the officiating.

Speight kind of blew it... He was choking about every series. He's tripping on his own feet, he's fumbling, he's throwing picks... I'm not on board with the whole officiating thing. I think that's ridiculous.

Greg Schiano failed as an NFL head coach because he focused too much on minor details

I think his biggest downfall as a head coach was he focused on way too many details. You kind of lost sight of the big picture. I was focused on, okay, if we recover a fumble, this is how my hands have to be and I need to tuck it into my body at a 90 degree angle. It was so many little details and you were on pins and needles.

Johnny Manziel needs to get sued or arrested every few months just to let us know he's alive

Johnny Manziel is being sued because apparently he broke some bartender's nose. Good to know Johnny Manziel is still alive. We need him to get sued or arrested every few months to let us know that he's alive.

A J.J. Watt jersey is the least intimidating jersey an NFL fan can wear.

The least intimidating jersey has to be a J.J. Watt jersey.

The NFL should award one point for a kickoff that goes through the uprights

John Harbaugh wants to make the kickoff worth one point if his kicker can kick it through the uprights. I like this rule though. We need more kickers. I've been saying for years that if you hit the upright, it should be worth extra.

Matt Barkley is a terrible quarterback

Let's face it folks, Matt Charles Barkley, the round mound of intentional ground, is terrible. Just terrible. Terrible, terrible. Terrible, terrible, terrible.

The Dallas Cowboys are the best team that sucks in the NFL

Dallas is still maybe the best team in the NFL, which is insane. They're the best team that sucks. In the NFL. They're the suckiest best teams, too.

The punt safety is the best play in football

I love the punch [punt] safety, by the way. Love it. The punch safety is probably my favorite play in football. And Harbaugh used it.

John Gruden is the ultimate coaching search leverage tool to help candidates negotiate higher salaries

John Gruden is like the fail-proof coaching rumor. When a team or a college can't leverage their coaching search against anyone, they're like, well, John Gruden's interested... He's always going to come back if a team needs him to negotiate against someone else.

Ohio State is not a lock for the College Football Playoff if Penn State wins the Big Ten

If Penn State beats Wisconsin... I think you're looking at either two Big Ten teams in or you're looking at Penn State in and Ohio State out. Now, that's very, like, no one agrees with me on this... Kirk Herbstreit, those guys are saying, no, they're saying, you know, Ohio State's a lock... And I don't know how they can comfortably say that.

Based on the eye test, USC is one of the four best teams in the country

If you just look at teams, eye test, who's playing as good as anybody, USC is in the top four. And they're all like, what about September? It matters. But what about any losses?

Playing football builds character in kids that other activities cannot replicate

People that play the game of football, I feel like it builds character in them that a lot of other activities don't build the types of character. [Big Cat: The Xbox and the millennial.]

College players should be allowed to transfer without penalty if their coach leaves

A quick fix for the NCAA for me to make things fairer for the players is to let them transfer if their coach goes they should be able to go too let them go i agree with that

Fox has a much better Thanksgiving broadcast than CBS because they use holiday graphics

CBS cheated us on that. I don't know if you saw it. But it came back. They didn't have it, and then Fox was like a bukkake of leaves on my face. Leaves and gourds just dripping... I actually got mad on Thanksgiving Day when I turned on the Lions game and it was just a regular scoreboard. How the fuck am I supposed to know it's a holiday if it's a regular scoreboard?

NFL games in Mexico are much more electric than games in England

Mexico. I actually, that was an electric game. It was the exact opposite of football in England. England is so fucking boring. Everyone looks like it's a chore to be there... Mexico. They had the shot of the barbed wire. It felt like the Thunderdome.

The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is the most overrated thing in the world

Macy's Thanksgiving Parade is the most overrated thing in the entire world. Even more overrated than the show Friends. It is the worst. I hate it.

Thanksgiving should be a full holiday, not just a meal as Will Muschamp suggests

Will Muschamp came out and said for South Carolina, Thanksgiving's a meal, not a day. We're going to practice in the morning... I also totally disagree with that. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, and it is fully worth having a full day for.

Mississippi State doesn't need to fire Dan Mullen, but the assistant coaches must be evaluated

If we do make a change, I don't think it needs to be Coach Mullen... I don't think we need to go to the extreme of getting rid of him but I think the assistant coaches need to look... he needs to take a hard look in the mirror.

J.J. Watt’s Players' Tribune article is basically erotic fan fiction he wrote about himself

One was wearing a 99 jersey with my name on the back, and another was wearing shoes with my logo on them... That was some fucking fan fiction erotic art shit for J.J. Watt. He hired a J.J. Watt mega fan to write that passage.

Dak Prescott picking up his Gatorade cup proves he is a classy young man

How about Dak Prescott showing his leadership by picking up the cup of Gatorade that he tried to throw away? It's just a class act, a precocious, classy young man.

Russell Wilson is a bizarre human being who would be in a mental institution if he weren't an athlete

The person who woke him up every hour and a half, the voodoo people, the hypnotist, the concussion water, the strength coach... he's just a bizarre human being... if he wasn't an exceptional athlete and he did all this shit, he would probably be in a mental institution.

Ben McAdoo is a watered-down fraud trying too hard to sound like a real football guy

Ben McAdoo seems like he's trying real hard as a first-year head coach to be a football guy. I think he's overextending himself a little bit. He sounds like a fraud. He's like a watered-down football guy. If this was like Coughlin doing this, then I would absolutely accept this is a football guy.

Bill Belichick 100% pays attention to metrics but acts like he doesn't for his brand

He absolutely pays attention to metrics. 100% he does, but he acts like he doesn't. So he's playing a double mind game... he's like I'm going to make them think that I'm even more of a football guy than I really am when behind the scenes I've got my spreadsheets set out.

Snow football is the key to driving NFL ratings back up

I think that this is absolutely the key to driving ratings back up is get a couple snow games in people will watch snow football all day.

Butch Jones has Tennessee football headed in the right direction

I love Butch Jones, and he's building the program. It's headed in the right direction... We've planted a lot of seeds, but hopefully one's going to catch on pretty soon.

NFL teams should just go for two every single time they score a touchdown

Is there any reason why teams shouldn't just go for two every time? No, not at all. Just go for two every time... isn't 50% of two greater than 97% of one?

Setting a hotel room thermostat to 60 degrees is the best move in life

Stardom, putting the hotel room to like 60 degrees. That is the best move out there. Love doing that. I don't even care if it's winter. Just get under those blankets.

Start buying new clothes for the night before Thanksgiving because it's the biggest bar night of the year

My stardom is getting a haircut and buying exactly one new pair of jeans and a sweater because next Wednesday night, biggest bar night of the year, you're going to see all your old high school friends. Got to be looking fresh.

Oregon State is working to become known as 'Punter U'

We've had some pretty good punters come through. The punter for the New England Patriots, Ryan Allen, him and I walked on there together... So we're kind of trying to earn that nickname or the moniker Punter U. Tennessee might have it right now, but we're working on it.

Thomas Morstead would be the last man standing in a punter battle royale

I think Thomas Morstead, actually. I feel like he secretly does karate and stuff, and he's super jacked. John Ryan's also pretty jacked... I don't think I've survived too long to find out.

Jeff Fisher's fashion sense is stuck in the early 2000s NBA 'Double-XL Tall T' movement

I think he really caught on, like, the early 2000s in, like, the double XL tall T movement and just, like, never really moved on. Always wearing sunglasses indoors and stuff, wearing big old T's. I think he's pretty, like, he's pretty hood, actually... He's like early 2000s NBA.

Skyline Chili is good; people only hate it because they have soft out-of-town stomachs

I think it's pretty good... I got a feeling that your hatred for Skyline comes from, you know, just your guys' soft stomachs out there in New York... out-of-towners don't have a very tough stomach.

I feel washed up at 31 while LeBron James claims he is only getting stronger

LeBron came out today and said, he had this to say, people think I'm going to slow down, but I'm only getting stronger. Huh. We're LeBron's age, right? We're both 31. Do you feel like you're getting stronger as a human? Because I feel like I'm getting washed up day by day.

The website Fantex, which sold stock in athletes, is a total scam

I went to Fantex.com. You'll remember Fantex is the company that allowed you to buy stock in professional athletes. Totally reputable company where you could pay like $10,000 to get like half a percentage of half a percentage of Arian Foster's future earnings. Not a Ponzi scheme. Not a Ponzi scheme at all. Totally legit, above board, and their website's not working.

Kansas is a complete team that has everything

I really like this Kansas team. And maybe it was because Duke seemed like a classic Duke team where they were a little soft down low. But I thought this Kansas team has everything.

You watch college basketball to see Duke players cry after tournament losses

If you are not a Duke fan, you watch college basketball for the moment that Luke Kennard and Grayson Allen cry during the tournament after they get stunned by a 10-seed. That's why you watch.

The Steelers are on the Hot Seat because they are no longer playing 'Steelers football'

My hot seat is Steelers football. Pittsburgh is not playing Steelers football. They're not winning. They're not playing defense... they're not running the ball, they're 25th in the league in running. Pittsburgh needs to get back to running the ball and stopping the run.

Buy New Balance stock now and sell it right before New Year's

I'm going to disagree with you. I think now's the time to buy stock in New Balance because, like we said, the people who are buying New Balance right now aren't going to know that it's racist for a while. So they're going to keep buying, okay? And meanwhile, the neo-Nazis probably weren't buying New Balance already. Now there's going to be a run on New Balance. So it's a short play. You buy New Balance, and then you dump it right before New Year's.

LeBron's leadership and teammates calling Tristan Thompson 'Tris Kardashian' caused his breakup with Khloe

LeBron's leadership... people on the team were calling him Tris Kardashian, and you can't have that sort of fraction in the locker room. [LeBron's] crime syndicate is to blame for this.

Sweating is just your skin having an orgasm

My first take is saying sweating is making your skin cum. So that was funny when I wrote it down at the time.

The show should add a new segment where I play the singer of AC/DC in between segments

My third [idea] is that we should do a new segment... where it's just the singer of AC/DC in between songs... how he acts on stage. Oh, so like every time we switch a segment i'll be like how many of you out there like a rock and roll music can i hear all you yell yeah yeah.

The great uniter in America is watching Tony Romo look miserable

America can always get behind watching Tony Romo look miserable. That is the great uniter here in America. And we're used to seeing it after he throws a fourth quarter interception... This time it was when they were winning and he was trying to put on that happy face. And it turns out that Tony Romo putting on a happy face is actually the saddest thing you've ever seen.

We need to bring back the BCS because computers don't have chaos

Computer's fault for ranking these teams too high. We need the BCS back. Is there a bug in the system? You know when there was never chaos? Russians are hacking the BCS system. Never had chaos. I know I agree. Forget that, let's bring it all back.

At age 39, Tom Brady is still the best quarterback in the NFL.

Tom Brady's 39. He's the best quarterback in the league.

Football is officially back and here to stay.

The whole sport of football. It's been a whole long season. Everyone's shitting on it, saying it's only got so much time, 25 years before it's gone forever. This weekend was a perfect example. It's back, and it's here to stay.

Kerry Collins 'won' by coming out of retirement for $4 million and immediately retiring again after one hit.

Kerry Collins got paid, came out of retirement, got $4 million, got knocked out by J.J. Watt week one. 'My head hurts, my head hurts, my head hurts.' Retired again, didn't play... boy, he won.