Takes

LSU is the hardest SEC stadium to play in.

What's the hardest SEC stadium to play in? LSU. Even though we actually hung 52 on them when we played there... But they're insane. Their chants are in unison, which is really, really weird.

Dwyane Wade is the Heat's greatest player of all time, over LeBron James.

I think that Dwyane Wade was our best player of all time, obviously. [LeBron James] gave us two rings, even though he promised eight or seven. But Dwyane Wade was our best player.

Andrew Luck gets a pass for mistakes because the Colts' offensive line is atrocious.

I'm done making fun of Andrew Luck. That's the worst offensive line I've ever seen. He was running for his life the entire time. I'm actually going to give him an active pass and let him know that it's okay. You can fuck up because that offensive line is atrocious.

The Cleveland Browns are the worst team in football.

Worst team in football... Cleveland Browns. They're also 0-3 against the spread.

A small part of me is afraid of what happens to my identity if the Cubs actually win the World Series.

There's like a 1% of my brain that doesn't fully know what to do if the Cubs actually won the World Series. If they don't win, our identity is still intact. I'm the dog chasing a car and I don't know what I would do if I caught it.

The ACC is officially back and the SEC is dead

I think the ACC is back, gentlemen. The ACC is back. The SEC is dead and continues to be dead.

You should only celebrate if you win a World Series, otherwise the game is just a chore.

Only celebrate when you win a World Series. Other than that, the game is a chore.

You should always bet on a team if their mascot goes down or a player has a family tragedy.

Anytime a mascot goes down, anytime a team changes a uniform, something cool, like a bright color, new helmets, the matte helmets, anytime a player dies, family member dies, got to bet on that team.

A Mike Greenberg solo show would be a four-hour suicide note of unathletic stories

Can you just imagine four hours of Greeny? ... It actually just might be really depressing to have a guy just making fun of how unathletic he is for four hours. You need that Golic balance. ... Now it's just going to be one long suicide note. It's just going to be him being like, I was not good at sports in high school.

If you never get a medical test, you don't officially have the condition

I support Dez Bryant. I think if you don't get the STD test, you don't have an STD. ... It's like saying if you don't go to the doctor for over a decade, you're not obese and you're not in danger of health or heart disease.

Nothing good ever happens on the cloud, so you should stay off of it.

Stay off the cloud, kids. Nothing good can happen on the cloud. The cloud is not your friend.

A sprain is worse than a break

Sprains worse than a break. People forget that.

J.J. Watt's Super Bowl is having 10 months to post Instagram comeback videos

Bad news, you're out for the season. Good news, you now have 10 months to post Instagram comeback videos. Yeah, how many squats and box jumps can he fit into 10 months? Which, when you think about it, is J.J. Watt's Super Bowl. If J.J. Watt had the choice, win a Super Bowl or get 10 months to talk about making a comeback... I think he's going that way.

J.J. Watt needs to wear a surgery cone so he doesn't re-injure himself working too hard

The bottom line is J.J. Watt needs a cone around his head like you give to a dog after surgery because he's so anxious to prove what a hard work he is. This is what it's all about. He rushed back from a back surgery so he could be like, oh, I'm a big, tough guy.

Car bombs are the number one drink to order at a bar

Number one, car bombs.

Drinking a Budweiser (Bud Heavy) bottle at a bar is a badass move

Budweiser. Bottle. It's actually America. That's just a badass move. If you see a guy drinking a Budweiser, you're like, okay, this guy fucks.

Bill Belichick is more important to the Patriots than Tom Brady

Who is more important to the Patriots, Belichick or Brady? Belichick.

You can't blame old people for things like forgetting people, pooping their pants, or being racist

You know, there's things you can't blame old people for. Forgetting people. Pooping their pants. Sexism. Racism. Touches of racism. You sort of have to just go, okay.

Regis Philbin might be dead and his wife Joy is catfishing America by responding to his emails

Regis Philbin... Might be dead... [PFT Commenter] Oh, is Joy, is she catfishing America right now with Regis? Is she playing like a weekend at Bernie's?

Greg Hardy strikes me more as a meth and PCP guy than a cocaine guy

[Greg Hardy] never struck me as a coke guy, to be honest. He struck me as a meth guy, a heavy, heavy meth guy. Maybe some angel dust? Yeah, PCP and meth.

Coach O would be an awesome cult leader

I don't know, but it sounds like Coach O would be an awesome cult leader.

The Chicago Bears are the worst team in the NFL

The Bears are the worst team in the NFL... No, they are. I said that. It was a definitive statement I said.

The Sam Bradford trade was a win for both the Vikings and the Eagles

I was the biggest winner because I said that it was a great trade for the Vikings and a great trade for the Eagles because the Eagles can now start Carson Wentz, who I believed in, and the Vikings now have Sam Bradford as a higher ceiling than whoever they were going to start.

The Vikings have the best defense in the NFL

But seriously, though, the Vikings look awesome. Their defense, I mean, best defense in the league. Probably.

The Miami Hurricanes are officially 'back'

The U is back. Of Miami. Okay. The U is back. They have three huge wins against Florida A&M, Florida Atlantic, and Appalachian State. So 3-0 to start the season. I think they're definitely back.

Aaron Rodgers is officially back

Aaron Rodgers is [back]... Aaron gets really surly with the media. He pouts, tells everyone to relax, and then he goes out and kills the Lions. And I feel like we've done this every year.

The Texas Longhorns are no longer 'back'

Texas no longer back. Because they were back because they beat Notre Dame, who is not back. Now Texas is back into the not back category.

The Syracuse defense is historically bad

The [Syracuse] offense looks inspiring, but the defense looks historically bad.

Wawa is significantly better than Sheetz

I prefer Wawa over Sheetz, but I'm not knocking Sheetz at all... Wawa is just a part of me. So when you go there and you eat it, it just tastes right.

Eli Manning is the funniest quarterback I've played for, followed by Aaron Rodgers and Andy Dalton

Eli is funny. He's sneaky funny. Aaron [Rodgers] is two. Andy [Dalton] is three... Eli is the kind of guy... he'll kind of crop dust you or just like drive by fart you and then just walk away.

Skyline Chili is garbage

Cincinnati Bengals, Skyline Chili. Garbage. Yes. Thank you. It's the worst... I asked people in Cincinnati, what's the deal with the skyline? ... It's greasy drunk food.

Brock Osweiler sucks

And Brock Osweiler, holy shit, I think he sucks. I don't know if that's like that vaunted Bill Belichick scheme on defense or whatever it is, but he certainly looked like a kindergartner, a really tall kindergartner out there.

Do not schedule North Dakota State because they will stomp you

Do not schedule the [Bison] because they will stomp you if you do. Add Iowa to the list of teams that have gone down to the Bison. Now Minnesota, Kansas, Kansas State, Iowa State, Iowa... have all been beaten and stomped on by the Bison.

Northwestern is the most arrogant journalism school in the country

Northwestern is a surefire number one year. And I would say everybody else is like seven, eight, nine, 10. There's no place more hubristic than Northwestern as a journalism school.

Skip Bayless is a professional hockey goon of sports media

A guy like [Skip] Bayless is a professional hockey goon. He goes out and skates around the ice and punches people. The people just happen to be LeBron or Chris Bosh, etc... He is one of the brilliant sports television people who understands how to push people's buttons and say ultimate contrarian things.

Kevin Durant is a whiny baby who gets an unfair pass from the media

Kevin Durant is a fucking whiny baby. He seriously is... You were in Oklahoma City for so long, and everyone gave you a pass. LeBron James was bashed to no end for not winning a title when he was considered the best player in the NBA for a very long time.

Jim Abbott didn't hide his nub, so you should use yours as a flip cup backboard

Jim Abbott wasn't out there hiding his nub behind his back. He was out there, he was loud, he was proud. So I think the girl just needs to embrace it a little bit. Use the nub as a backboard in flip cup.

Mike McCarthy cycles play-calling duties annually just to avoid being held accountable for failure

Every year I feel like Mike McCarthy either gives up play calling or gets play calling back. If you move the play calling stick around, then nobody's really at fault.

Switching to 1% milk after a heart attack is the ultimate football guy move

Switching to 1% milk after a heart attack... That is the most football guy move of all time because there are like a million other things. I agree with Urban Meyer. Don't spend more time with your family. Don't maybe knock out fast food, but take it down from 2% to 1%.

Bill Belichick isn't being abrasive; he's just taking media questions at face value

A lot of people think that Bill Belichick is trolling the media and being abrasive on purpose. He's just answering these questions. He is taking everything at face value. You ask him a question about medical stuff. He is not a doctor. He is a football coach. That is his job. The doctors are doctors. He is the football coach.

It's a good sign when a football coach sleeps in the office because it shows they are working nonstop

I do love it when football coaches sleep in the office. It's the only job in America where I think if you just work nonstop at it, people assume that you're getting better at your job. But not the case for football coaches. They need to keep working. Not enough hours in the day.

Apple purposefully sabotages old iPhones to force consumers to upgrade

Once Apple starts coming out with the new phones, they make the old phones break by playing Beach Boys, doing all these kinds of things. It's brilliant, but it's total disregard for the consumers.

Teaching children to drive a stick shift should be a prerequisite of parenting

Teaching your children to swim and teaching them to drive stick should probably be just prerequisites across the board. I tried to teach my son years and years ago when he was still looking out for getting girls... and he wasn't interested.

It should be an unwritten rule that you cannot use a charge card in the 12-items-or-less supermarket line

If it says 12 items or less, what is the point of even putting that if somebody's going to go in and fumble around for the damn card... Don't you think it's implied that if you're going to get in the quick checkout line that you're not going to use a charge card?

Theo Epstein needs to chill out for following people home to observe them while wearing a hat

Theo Epstein... said on a few nights when things felt bleak, Theo would wander the internet, linger on macabre things like air traffic controller recordings from plane crashes. He went on to say... 'I just like being anonymous so much that I would follow people home because they didn't know who I was and I could watch them... I could put on a hat and follow them.' Just chill out, man.

NFL Media should prioritize getting the All-22 film and Game Rewind up on time for 'film grinders'

Can we please get the All-22 and the Game Rewind up on time? There are a lot of people out there that like to sit and grind film on a Monday morning or a Monday afternoon.

SoulCycle is a lame cult that forces people to say prayers

SoulCycle is a cult... They actually made me say a prayer at the end. It was like a peace, love, like be the best of you and see your life through love. It was so fucking lame, man.

Von Miller is the best defensive player in NFL history

Best defensive player in the league ever. It's not even close. There's no one even who can touch him, not in the same stratosphere, not any Houston Texans, no one. It's Von Miller and then a bunch of random guys. Bunch of losers.

Kirk Cousins is still a really good quarterback

My biggest takeaway is that Kirk Cousins is still really good. Oh, yeah. He is not afraid to sling it. That guy, he'll stare down a receiver on a slant route and not even look at the middle of the field.

Matt Ryan is officially back

I am going with Matt Ryan. He's back. Went on the road. Won a game. Matty Ice. Bring it back out.