Takes

James Harrison's home is likely filled with booby traps for Roger Goodell

James Harrison also said that if Roger Goodell wants to interview him, he has to come to his house... That's Home Alone featuring James Harrison with booby traps everywhere for Roger Goodell. He's going to have the blowtorch. He's going to have the ornaments out.

Drivers always slow down way too much even in the slightest bit of rain

You'll also notice that if there's ever even like the slightest bit of rain, everyone decides to drive super, super slow. Perfectly slow.

I am going to make pooping your pants as an adult socially acceptable

None of it comes even close to what I'm trying to accomplish when it comes to making pooping your pants as an adult not something to be ashamed of. I'm a 31-year-old man. I make mistakes just like you... If this happens to you, don't be ashamed. I'm here for you. I want to give a voice to the voiceless, the grown adults out there.

Lionel Messi should go to Cleveland and win a championship to repair his legacy

When the whole world thinks you're a quitter and is down on you, you go to Cleveland and you win a championship.

Dijon is the best mustard

Number one on my Mount Rushmore of mustards is Dijon mustard. Delicious on a sandwich. Can't get enough of a good Dijon.

Spicy brown mustard is the best kind of mustard

Spicy Brown? Yeah, that's actually my favorite mustard. That's my number one. That's my bottom bitch, if you will, of mustards.

All mustard is trash

I have nothing on my Mount Rushmore because all mustard is trash.

Yankee fans are the most knowledgeable in baseball, but Cleveland and New York are tied for fanaticism

I think number one in terms of knowledge would be Yankee fans... I think I would give a tie in terms of just overall fanaticism between Cleveland and New York. The reason why I say Cleveland is because I played there basically four years, and we sold out every game. And Cleveland's weather is terrible... they're showing up.

George Steinbrenner was the greatest owner in sports history

Best owner ever. I had the utmost respect because I don't think I've ever seen an owner that wants to win as much as George Steinbrenner wanted to win. Like, literally, we played 162 games. I really think that he wanted us to win 162 games, like not one loss.

Derek Jeter did the best job of keeping his private life out of the tabloids while playing in New York

It's actually unbelievable when you think about it how long [Jeter] played in New York and there never was any story... Ain't nobody done it better than him.

Tarvaris Jackson's wife is a Hall of Famer for mocking his on-field accuracy while he was holding a gun

Jax and his wife said to him [while he pointed a gun at her], you better be accurate because you ain't accurate on the field. That's so quick... she actually is facing death and she's still not afraid to go there. Not afraid to go there Hall of Fame.

Tarvaris Jackson was a D-grade draft pick for the Vikings

Can we retroactively go back and grade Brad Childress' draft when he selected Tarvaris in the second round? Because in light of yesterday's events, I'd like to change my grade to a D. I think Tarvaris was a D-grade draft.

Brad Childress and Joe Philbin don't look like real football coaches

Brad Childress is definitely in that camp where it's like that guy is not really a football coach, right? Mark Trestman is the same way. You look at him and you're like, come on, bad idea... Joe Philbin just because he's a classic case of looking like a loser.

Game of Thrones is for nerds and we watch sports instead

Game of Thrones for nerds. We watch sports. You watch your little fantasy land shit. If we're going to call you a nerd, we're going to call you a nerd and you're going to fucking like it... The real nerds are the people that don't watch it.

When playing in Cleveland, you should throw to the side of the field farthest from the lake to avoid lake-effect snow

One thing that jumped off the page at me was the part about lake effect snow... as something that you can take away and practice from this, when you play up in Cleveland, throw the football to the side of the field that's farthest away from the lake to avoid the snow as much as possible.

The viral Jaguars 'lady' fan should be given sideline passes and locker room access

I mean, she needs to be, like, sideline pass minimum, possibly in the locker room. [Big Cat: If you want to win some nice internet PR, go viral, let's get Jacksonville Jaguars lady some season tickets on Blake Bortles.]

A college team like Alabama could potentially beat a professional NFL team

Doesn't that say that maybe after all, like an Alabama football team could beat some professional football teams? [Blake Bortles: Yeah, I mean, I guess it's kind of like the miracle on ice back in the day. You know, I guess there's always a possibility.]

The team's kicker would be the best choice for a coxswain role

Personality-wise, a long snapper would be perfect for [coxswain], but... long snappers usually aren't that small, so I'd probably say it'd have to be our kicker.

NBA Draft night is the most boring night of the sports year

Can I be honest with you? I think that the NBA draft night is the most boring night of the sports year. I think the ESPY night is more electric than the NBA draft night.

The NBA should draft fat guys and let them work themselves into shape

Why aren't they drafting really fat guys and saying, well, he'll lose the weight, he'll lose the weight, like he'll get in shape? That seems unfair... fat guys, they don't get the benefit of the doubt. Oh, they'll work themselves in shape. No, you never hear that.

The Phoenix Suns are officially 'America's Team'

[Reese Davis] said some people call the Suns America's team. ... I think we should roll with it. ... if they're America's team, they're America's team. ... America's team. ... sons, sons, sons, sons.

LeBron James is the greatest of all time

LeBron James, greatest of all time. 23.

The Cavaliers were the better team in the 2016 NBA Finals

Listen, the better team won. ... I talk shit about LeBron, but I never talk about him as a player. He's a fucking beast. They played great. ... and the game seven lived up to all the hype.

Derrick Rose is a 'low-risk, high-reward' trade for the Knicks

I do think it's a low-risk, high-reward. You're never going to get him back all the way. But if you can get, like, 75% of Derrick Rose back, then you're right. It was a good trade. So, I mean, you've got to make that trade if you're the Knicks.

J.R. Smith should put a shirt on

J.R. Smith could stand to put a shirt on. ... I guess just because you won a championship, I guess you can be a stripper now and you can just take off your shirt.

If you die during your team's championship celebration, it is not a bad way to go

Honestly, if you die during your team's championship, not the worst way to go... If you're a Clevelander and you die during the celebration of your first championship, I don't even think that's a Jimbo. I think that they're going to build a statue for you.

You can't fart during a soccer game because it's a 'beautiful' and 'classy' game

I don't want, I mean, that's, you can't fart during a soccer game. Everyone knows that. ... It's a beautiful game. ... We, you don't do that shit. It's a classy game.

The NBA Draft is a huge letdown compared to the NFL Draft

The pageantry, the electricity and all the bells and whistles that go along with the NFL draft, there's absolutely none of it for the NBA. It's basically, here's the NBA draft... You sit on your couch, you drink one beer, and then you refresh Adrian Wojnowski's Twitter feed for three hours. And that's your entire NBA draft experience.

Skip Bayless is the greatest sports entertainer of the last hundred years

I'm questioning anybody's intelligence that's listening to us right now and not tuning in to First Take to see Skip Bayless' curtain call on that show. Possibly the greatest sports entertainer of the last hundred years.

Rick Pitino did not know about the escort scandal in the Louisville dorms

I truly take Coach's side on this. I don't think he knew that Andre McGee was doing that for the players. I think he was caught up surprised by that. Coach is not around the dorms and those things with the guys. You know, that's why he hires his ex-coaches or ex-young coaches so they can handle that type of stuff.

Alabama can beat the United States criminal justice system

This one [is] could Alabama beat the United States criminal justice system. And the answer is yes... the Louisiana district attorney from Ouachita Parish has declined to press charges on [Cam Robinson and Hootie Jones] for drugs and guns.

Playing football in the South makes you immune to the justice system

This just shows the cultural difference between the North and the South, the anti-pussification of America by Alabama, where if you play football, you basically are immune to the justice system. That's never actually backfired.

The Olympics should only be hosted in the United States for safety reasons

Why are we doing the Olympics in a country where this type of gun violence is rampant? Keep them in the U.S. where everything's safe, nice. People follow the law. You don't have this type of gun problems. Hey, Rio, stay classy.

Jim Harbaugh only has sex when he is trying to procreate

I also wouldn't be surprised if Jim Harbaugh's sex life is just when he's trying to procreate. Jim Harbaugh, like, he doesn't get put in the mood. He's just, like, walking around the house and spontaneously has an erection. And then he just grabs his wife and he's like, it's back again. We're having a baby again.

The Under Armour curse is real and we are currently living in its golden age

Anytime a good team loses, you got to ask what the curse is. I think it's definitely the Under Armour curse. It lives on. [Jordan] Spieth struck out big time at the U.S. Open... Cam Newton, Steph Curry... I think we're living in the golden age of the Under Armour curse. So I don't like to brag, but between that and me leaving my wallet at the queue, I feel like this whole postseason has really vindicated my whole worldview.

Kyrie Irving should have won Finals MVP over LeBron James

Kyrie Irving should have won MVP. He was the best player on the court. He basically won it for LeBron, not to get nitpicky here.

I officially hate Steph Curry for being a sore loser

By the end of this finals, I truly do hate him. I can't stand him anymore. He complains about every call. He got a little too cute out there sometimes with the behind-the-back pass. The whole meltdown when he threw the mouth guard... You can't be America's sweetheart when it's all going well and then have these public meltdowns when things turn on you. It's a sore loser thing. So I think I officially hate Steph Curry.

The NBA isn't rigged, but the league got the 7-game series they wanted

Is the NBA rigged? No. But? Did I insinuate a but? That was not my intention. No, I think in this series, they got what they wanted. Absolutely. You know, they got, they got the seven games, but I don't, I'm not buying into that conspiracy theory.

Allen Iverson would never have gotten off the bench in my dad's era because he carried the ball too much

My dad swore that Allen Iverson would never have gotten off the bench in his day because he carries the ball too much. My dad doesn't like watching basketball anymore because in his day, you couldn't put your hand on the side of the ball... It was just a league full of guys bouncing the ball straight up and down.

Mountain Time is the best time zone for sports fans, followed by Central, Pacific, and Eastern

If we're doing power rankings of time zones, I've got to say Mountain Time is number one. Everybody shows no love to Mountain Time, but it's a nice little mix of not having to start watching sports too early and not having to stay up too late. Mountain Time, Central Time, Pacific Time, then Eastern Time.

My dad was convinced Barry Sanders was coming out of retirement every year until 2008

My dad was convinced I would say up until about 2007 or 8 that Barry Sanders was coming back. He had himself convinced every summer right around camp season... He'd be like, someone's going to take Barry Sanders. Someone's going to pick him up. You just watch.

The Warriors are dead and crumbling

The Warriors are dead. They're dead, and they have totally crumbled. They're falling apart at the seams. Steph Curry's throwing mouth guards at fans. Egregious act, by the way.

Ayesha Curry's tweet about the NBA being rigged was a viral PR stunt for Under Armour shoes

She could always say, guess what? This was a viral spot for my husband's Under Armour shoes. I got 70,000 retweets, got everybody talking about me... You guys just got Kimmeled, America.

Under Armour is the Buffalo Bills of shoes and cannot win the big one

Under Armour can't win the big one. They can't. They're the Buffalo Bills of Shoes. You know what I'd like to see more of on Twitter? I'd like to see more people tweeting the dumpster fire image at, like, live look at Under Armour right now. It's a dumpster fire.

Winning a championship would cause the city of Cleveland to lose its fundamental identity

You lose your identity if you're Cleveland if you win a championship.

O.J. Simpson is a guilty man

I have no theories on that stuff. I've stated before, I just think O.J. is a guilty man, and that's it. I think his karma is now that he is in jail.

California teenagers are more intimidating than teenagers in the rest of America

I think that's a great call because I came from Wisconsin and I was, it's very intimidating... It's just nothing but good looking people... I'm always a Milwaukee guy. I swear to God, I have not forgotten who I am.

LeBron James is the best athlete in the world

Well, we've actually argued about this in terms of LeBron's athleticism. I don't think there's a better athlete in shape dominating their sport like LeBron... we thought LeBron would be the best at that [playing other sports].

The last two minutes of a basketball game are the worst part of sports

The worst. The last two minutes of the game.

Jimmy Butler is a relevant NBA player

He is a relevant player, so stop. And I know I just said that twice, which makes it seem like I'm trying to convince myself he's a relevant player, but he is a relevant player.