Takes

The NCAA tournament needs to provide fans with a 'come down drug' to help transition back to reality on Monday

They need to give you a come down drug tomorrow. Like the fact that we don't get anything [on Monday] is bullshit. You expect everyone to go from this great event that lasted a full entire long weekend to reality on Monday. You can't do that.

The best PR move for any scandal is to check into 'treatment' without explanation

Check into treatment... Don't give us an explanation. Just like disappear for 20 days and then you come back and you're like, I'm healed... When you just say it's a real problem that needs treatment, people now all of a sudden can't make jokes about it.

The Barstool Sports app is the worst app ever created

Barstool's app truly is the worst app that's ever been created... I think they made the Barstool app just to crash. Can we just make an app that just crashes all the time? And if you're looking at it from that perspective, it's the greatest app that's ever been created.

The Chive is responsible for making Bill Murray annoying

The Chive is to blame for like all the stuff that i hate about bill murray... They just wrote, they did tits and ass and then they said, Bill Murray, comma, get it. Now i'm more confident than ever in my Bill Murray take.

Magic Johnson's tweets are 'electric' because he only states the blindingly obvious

I love Magic Johnson... He is Siri in Twitter form. He states the obvious over and over, and it's electric every time. Today he tweeted, the San Antonio Spurs proved to the NBA and themselves that they can beat the Golden State Warriors with their 87-79 win last night. I mean, the [Spurs] proved that they could beat the Golden State Warriors by beating the Golden State Warriors. That's pretty deep.

Life's too short to bet the unders

I obviously bet overs today. I lasted two games before I broke my one rule that I had spent the entire week pep talking myself into... life's too short to bet the unders in life.

Rooting for sloppy, terrible basketball is as fun as rooting for scoring

I get that you feel bad rooting against teams scoring points. But there's a beauty to rooting for teams to just play sloppy-ass ball and turn the ball over all the time and have really egregious fouls and backcourt violations and five-second violations. There's a lot of fun to be had in that, and I feel like you're missing out on it by adhering to this stringent rule that life's too short to bet the unders.

Darren Rovell is the 'well-actually guy' of the NCAA tournament

Darren Rovell, who makes a case in point to tell everybody in America that he does not fill out a bracket, because guess what? Eight years ago, for the first time, he decided not to do a bracket, and it's so much more fun watching the tournament without it. So he is the well-actually guy of the NCAA tournament.

The 'other bracket' guy is the worst person during March Madness

I'm power ranking. Other bracket guy is number one is the worst... The guy who always he'll always chime in whenever there's a big upset. But he'll like have one bracket in his hand... 'I don't have that upset here. I just have it on my other bracket.' This like elusive other bracket that no one knows about.

March Madness is the best time of year for office small talk

Is this the best time of year for small talk? ... Because everyone just walking around being like, oh, did you have Yale over Baylor? It's just everyone has small talk. ... It's actually outside of maybe like a blizzard. It's the best small talk piece that you can have in an office. Because it's something that affects everybody.

Burning tape or burying a football only provides momentum for exactly one win

[Big Cat]: Burning tape or burying a football will always give you a little extra juice the next game. [PFT]: It gives you exactly one win. And then you kind of run out of energy because you've done all your crazy shit.

Coaches collapse during games for motivation or to avoid accountability

Tony Bennett made the mistake of doing it when his team's up. You're supposed to do it when it's down so that even if you lose, people can't be like, oh, that coach sucks... I think that every single time my team got down big in a big game, I just collapsed... and then if you lose, everyone's like, wow, man, I can't believe like he just collapsed and he kept on coaching.

If you want your team to win, do something weird like faking a heart attack

The bottom line is if you're a head coach and you want to get your team to really get back on the right path, do something really weird. If that's like faking a heart attack or if that's like... like pissing all over your assistants like fanny pack or whatever. Like do something weird. Get your team kind of in a weird frame of mind so that they go out there and act like animals.

Journalists should only get the media buffet if they ask good questions

You basically just treat all the journalists like they're five-year-olds when your mom said, if you don't eat your broccoli, you don't get ice cream. It's like, listen, guys, if you don't ask good questions in this presser, no buffet for you.

If you have a PR disaster like Chris Jones, just do porn to change the headline

If you're Chris Jones, your dick pops out [at the combine], then you get arrested... Maybe you just do porn and like double down again... now you're not the arrest guy. You're the porn guy. You just keep piling on until you kind of cover everything down. Like if I write a bad blog, I'll just keep blogging on top of it and push all the bad stuff down.

Adam LaRoche's retirement over his son being in the clubhouse was just 'hurt feelings'

Adam LaRoche quit because his feelings were hurt. He got his feelings hurt... your feelings are hurt because the White Sox basically said, hey, Adam, you're a 14 year old best friend. You can't bring him around anymore.

LeBron James is passive-aggressive and can't spell his own metaphors

That's LeBron James because J.J. Watt would never tweet anything as passive-aggressive as that... He also did spell it wrong. He said, you can't accomplish the dream if everyone isn't dreaming the same thing every day.

Quitting your job before March Madness is the best feeling in the world

It is the best two days of the year to call in sick for work, bar none. I had some friends, and back like six or seven years ago, we would all quit our jobs in anticipation of March Madness so that we just wouldn't have to worry about going into work... it feels like you're on heroin because it's such a reckless thing to do for like this little bit of endorphin payout.

There is no better high in the world than getting to cancel plans

The canceled plans, when I get to cancel a plan, there is no better high in the entire world. Actually, no. I should take that back. When someone else cancels plans on me because I never want to do anything anymore. So when they cancel plans on me, then I'm not the shithead who canceled the plans. That's the best feeling in the world.

We need a 'relegation league' Monday night football game to help people transition off the March Madness high

This is how you wean people off March Madness is if we just had like a Monday night football game on Monday night, like if it was just Titans Jaguars on Monday night, the relegation league... You need sports that your body is craving it. Boom. Football's back.

If you haven't taken a hungover nap at the office, you're the lamest person in the world

I'm not going to say that Johnny Manziel should be taking naps when he's in the NFL... But show me a guy who, and probably a lot of women, who has not taken a hungover nap at their office, and I'll show you the lamest guy in the world.

Benching a starting quarterback for Josh McCown will cause them to hit rock bottom

The act of having of like benching a person for Josh McCown, I think will put anyone like into a rock bottom spot. Like it's spiraled out of control from Johnny Manziel the minute Josh McCown was put in place of him.

The NIT should be renamed the 'Nice Invitational Tournament' because the winner is the 69th best team

I'm supposed to pitch to you guys the idea of calling the NIT the Nice Invitational Tournament because the winner is the 69th best team in the country.

Indiana winning the Big Ten was a nightmare because it saved Tom Crean's job

This was my nightmare as an Indiana fan... now they're probably going to lose to Kentucky in the second round... And then people that like Crean are going to say, Oh, but they lost to the final four Kentucky team... It's a weird position to be in when you're kind of cheering for them to lose. So that way you just fire Tom Crean.

Villanova is a notorious tournament choker

Villanova's the notorious choker where Jay Wright still has like a three-year deal on his contract with CBS, I think, for the second round to call the games from the studio with those guys. So that's it. Villanova opens up and then Arizona can get by Miami, you know, maybe, maybe Arizona can make a push.

Oregon is the weakest 1-seed but has an easy path thanks to Duke being in their bracket

Oregon's definitely the weakest one seed, but then you've got to look at their bracket. Because they were blessed to have Duke in their bracket, the committee always gives Duke the easy ride. By proxy, Oregon also got the easy ride.

Rick Pitino definitely hired Andre McGee specifically to arrange prostitutes for recruits

Rick Pitino is an egomaniac who runs an entire program, who knows everything that's going on. And then, oh, whoops, he somehow didn't know the time that the prostitutes showed up and started fucking all his recruits. ... He knew in the fact that he was like, Andre McGee, I'm hiring you to make sure all of my recruits get properly fucked.

The 'Suh Dude' trend is worthy of respect because of its commitment to laziness

Anytime you're too lazy to pronounce the third letter of a word that has three letters in it, that is worthy of a little bit of respect for trying that hard to be so lazy. ... To pronounce and actually speak English to another person is a total try hard move.

James Laurinaitis' dad is a more intimidating grandfather than Howie Long

I think [Howie Long] is up there, but you know, [James] Laurinaitis, his dad is, like, one of the Road Warriors... I got my dad in a Mortal Kombat situation over James' dad, but I'm just biased.

My son's work ethic is going to be what carries him through his athletic career

His name is Waylon James Long, and he was like seven pounds, five ounces. So he's pretty down the middle as far as measurables are concerned. His work ethic is going to really be what carries him through.

Joey Bosa is just a working man's Chris Long

Joey Bosa, I think is like he's a working man's Chris Long is what I've been saying about him.

Joey Bosa is more gifted than I was as a prospect

I think he's [Joey Bosa] a little bit more gifted than me. But you got to stick to the rules.

I would consider playing on a $1 contract to see if I truly love football

I mean, it'd be an interesting experiment to see if I really love football. [A $1 contract]... I've been doing football drills and I've been in the gym ever since I got cut.

I'm going to rethink my strategy and start filming my box jumps to get signed

I've seen JJ Watt do box jump videos. He's going to the Hall of Fame. I've done a lot of box jumps, but I just never filmed them. I'm totally willing to rethink my whole strategy... I'm going to walk right by whoever the head coach is, just go straight into the weight room and just start doing box jumps, not say a word to anybody.

Pardon My Take is more professional than Scott Van Pelt's show

[PMT is more professional]... A lot. I always did that [SVP's] show on my cell phone.

Every NCAA tournament team besides the 16 seeds is 'dangerous' and can 'make some noise'

The tourney is like I looked at the whole bracket besides the 16 seeds. Every team is dangerous. Every team you don't want to play. Every team can make some noise, which we will get into later. I have a list of all the make some noise teams.

A number one seed only 'makes noise' if they reach the Final Four

If you're a number one seed, you've got to get to the Final Four. I think that would be the only noise that you could make.

Robert Griffin III needs to cut his hair to look professional for job interviews

If I'm Robert Griffin, I got to cut the hair at this point... You don't want to go into a job interview looking like a hippie... Cut the hair off and be clean cut. Get back to business. Let people know that you're ready to go to work.

The Cleveland Browns are smarter to do nothing in free agency than to fail spectacularly again

I think the Browns are just playing the game where they fucked up so bad in the past and everything that they've done that not doing anything is actually a smarter move than trying to do something and failing because you can't stay still. You're going to piss off your fans for about six months if you don't do anything in free agency. But a fan's not going to remember that like a year from now.

Adam Schefter is on the comeback trail after getting 'killed' by Ian Rapoport

I would not be surprised to see Schefter on the comeback trail. You see a little life coming out of him when he's yelling at Hannah Storm. You see a little life when he's getting pissed off about getting [fake reported]. ... Don't count him out just yet.

Adam Schefter is a 'strong buy' because he still has the fire to make a comeback

I like that fire, though. You got to have that fire to make a comeback. So Adam Schefter is a strong buy for me.

Disney and ESPN have the power to push Pardon My Take around as a 'big guy' vs 'little guy' dynamic

Oh, it's definitely ESPN and Disney pushing around the little guy, but they have the ability to push you around. That's what big guys do to little guys. That's what the economy and life is all about, I guess. ... This isn't going to go away unless something is done. I don't think you can keep in the posture that you're in right now and basically get back to them and say, F you. I don't think that's going to get you very far.

Bryce Harper would be more likable if he shaved male pattern baldness into his head

If he didn't have the hair that he had, I think he would get a lot more love. Like think about Mike Trout. You don't hate Mike Trout because Mike Trout's kind of pudgy. He's like, doesn't have very good hair. ... Bryce Harper. He's doing every, every time I look around, he's got his hair flowing everywhere and he's got his shirt off. He's doing this. He's hitting home runs. You can't have it all. So either you change your name to Bruce or you shave your head, maybe shave male pattern baldness in, and then I'll start being a fan of Bruce Harper.

ESPN should be thanking us for elevating the brands of 'Pardon the Interruption' and 'First Take'

I would say that they should be on their hands and knees thanking us that we're doing more to elevate the Pardon the Interruption and First Take brand, because now they're affiliated with our brand.

We should file a cease and desist against ESPN to stop them from sending us cease and desist letters

I think we can file a motion against their motion... We should file a cease and desist to them to stop sending a cease and desist letters.

I have zero confidence that any running back free agent signing by any team is going to play out

I have zero confidence that any running back free agent signing by any team is going to play out. But the Jaguars keep going back to that.

I would take Jay Cutler over Matthew Stafford any day of the week

When you just basically said Matthew Stafford is the worst quarterback, which I agree with. I would take Cutler over Stafford any day of the week, but I appreciate you throwing me a bone there.

Russell Wilson is a media 'goober' who prepares boring, non-interesting answers before his interviews even start.

Basically, [Russell Wilson] wakes up in the morning, and if he's got an interview to do, he decides, I'm not going to tell you anything. Like, you may have questions. He's got answers, but he came up with those answers before he left the house. And he's just not going to say anything interesting at all.

Russell Wilson is the quintessential definition of a 'goober.'

He's the goober. He is the quintessential goober. I've said that from day one, Russell Wilson... he is the definition of a goober.

The better a sports town is, the more likely that place is a terrible place to live

I got to tell you, what I've learned in all those places is how good a town is based on sports is normally measured by how terrible everything else is in that place. The better sports town, the more likely that place is not somewhere you want to inhabit.