Takes

Cleaning your ass with a showerhead and a towel is a valid solution when you run out of TP while moving

I sat down and started taking a shit and realized there was no toilet paper. And so I just took a shower... I didn't have anything. I just literally got in the shower or like wipe my ass and then got out... I used the towel and I threw away the towel.

Experienced fathers develop a 'sixth sense' that allows them to catch vomit in their hands

I finally get after all these years, like why people love the Jersey shore... My son was a little sick this week. I, now I have like dad's sixth sense. I caught my son's puke in my own hand that's because I knew it was coming and I fucking caught the whole goddamn puke in my hands.

Modern weed is too strong; we need to bring back 'mids' for the casual smoker

The weed is different nowadays. Bring back mids, right? When I was in high school, like you take one hit and then all of a sudden, like you're so high... I'm not a weed guy, but yeah. I'm a cost-effective high guy.

Olympic drug testing will expose golfers with suspicious size increases

The Olympics are coming up around the corner... guess what sport is also in the Olympics and they're starting to do the eligibility for? Golf. So you know, if you see any like discrepancies in people's drive [and] their size compared to their size maybe two years ago... They don't drug test in the PGA. [The IOC tests] are pretty hard.

Perfectly packing a car with vacation gear and kids is the official mark of a dad

Packing a car with two little kids and like doing the Tetris move to get the whole car full. I've never felt I earned my dad pinstripes like that was the official moment. I was like, yeah, I'm a dad because it was the hardest thing I've ever done. And it was like I wasted not a single inch.

I am pissed that NIL started after my 2017 college career

Everyone's, you know, selling merch, being a Twitch streamer and making money off of their likeness... I was in college [in 2017]... kind of pissed that this happened so many years later and not when I was in college. I literally sold merch back in 2017.

George R.R. Martin is 'completely lying' about working on the next Game of Thrones book

I don't think he's written a single word. If you look at anything that he's said in the press recently, I think he's just completely lying about it. I don't think he's started the next book at all.

Giving blood is the best way to save money on drinking

But the great thing about giving blood is if you give blood, you get drunk off like half a beer afterwards. So it's actually very economical. I'm just trying to be an ambassador for health.

I will be the play-by-play announcer for the PLL doubleheader on July 31st

It is happening. July 31st, a doubleheader. I'm [on] Peacock. I will be doing the play-by-play. It would not be possible without all of you guys in here. Paul Rabil was a big advocate.

I will have a visible six-pack by the end of the summer

I'll have a six pack. You will never have a six pack. [Hank]: Yes, I will. All right. Great. How much time? Give me a month. By the end of the summer. Six pack summer. You're going to have a visible six pack? [Hank]: Yes.

Black bears are 'pussies' that humans can beat in a fight

Black bears, actual pussies. I saw you. You were right on that video. You could beat the shit out of a black bear. You snuffed that out. I appreciate that. Black bears would run like pots and pans get rid of black bears. Black fight back. brown lay down lay down white say good night boom there it is that's how you handle bears.

Daniel Ricciardo is a fake Australian because he failed to mention 'drop bears'

I don't think Ricciardo is actually from Australia. Because, one, he didn't make a drop bear comment, which is like Australia 101... and kangaroos are actually dangerous, and he wasn't actually down with the animals in Australia. He's probably from Chile.

T-Rexes lived closer in time to humans than they did to Stegosauruses

T-Rex are closer to humans in time than they are to stegosauruses. Whoa. So T-Rexes and humans are 65 million years apart. Stegosauruses and T-Rexes are 85 million years apart.

Anyone over the age of 25 must hire a mover

Over the age of 25, you should hire a mover. I agree. I am that mover in this case. Yeah. Well, are you hired? No. Okay. You need to get hired.

Tom Brady 'leadershiped' me into being a believer and he is now my leader

Tom Brady leadershiped the hell out of me... I made a bad joke, and Tom Brady said that, SMH, I've seen better from you, PFT... and then I started to expect more out of myself because Tom Brady, the legend, sees more in me than I do in myself... And now Tom Brady is my leader.

The public should wear masks for one more week to cover my cold sore

My Fyre Fest is masks off, which is great, but I'm getting a cold sore right now... this is the worst possible time ever... I think that we should do one more week. If we just go masks one more week, I think that'll be perfect timing.

Real men get the Johnson & Johnson vaccine because it's the 'sketchy' one-shot option for lazy people

I do feel like more of a fucking man because I went and got the Johnson and Johnson. And it's partly because I'm just lazy. I didn't want to go back for a second shot... I got the one that like knowingly people are like, hey, that one's sketch. And I'm like, I don't care.

The PMT YouTube channel will not hit 500,000 subscribers by August 15th because listeners don't have it in them to watch

The listeners don't have it in them. Yeah. They don't have it in them. We're not going to hit 500,000. We're not gonna be able to do the live stream. They're listeners. They're not watching.

The Washington Capitals are going to be 'Team of Destiny' because TJ Oshie is playing through the loss of his father

I'm starting to get team of destiny vibes from the Washington Capitals because... TJ Oshie scored a hat trick on the day that his dad passed away. I've loved the guy ever since then... in America, Captain America, I'm starting to get team of destiny vibes.

I am officially bringing back the phrase 'Now that's paper'

I gotta start thinking about another phrase. I'm thinking now that's paper. I tried to bring back now that's paper while ago, but it feels, I feel like the times right now. Bet. I like bet.

I am going to blog seven times a week

Probably like seven [blogs a week]. I'm not going to blog about anything unless I seriously have a good opinion on it, and that's something I'll promise you.

Sarcasm is the best way to prepare a child for life

I'm going to weaponize [my son] with sarcasm. That will hopefully get him through life.

I went 27 years and no one ever told me how to pronounce pint

I went 27 years and no one ever told me how to pronounce what you put a thing of ice cream in or a liter of beer.

Hank's greatest hits: Thailand, Ob-jen, Pint, Post Mostly, Super Relatives

What are Hank's greatest hits? There's Thailand. There's Ob-jen. Pint. Post Mostly. Super Relatives.

My worst one was island gorilla — I thought it was a lowland gorilla from the island

My personal opinion, the worst one was island gorilla... Lowland gorilla. Oh yeah. You thought it was the gorilla from Des Moines? How sick would Iowa be if there were just wild gorillas rolling through the country?

The Pittsburgh Pirates have the second-worst run differential in the National League

They have the second-worst run differential in the NL right now... second worst behind [Big Cat's] Nets.

The European Super League would actually have been sweet because of the high-level matchups.

The Super League kind of would have been sweet. ... Imagine if there was just a Wednesday, like every Wednesday afternoon, just the best teams in the world playing each other. ... would you watch because it's going to be sweet. They'd be like, yeah, I'd watch. ... It would have been fucking sweet.

The European Super League was a trial balloon that will eventually lead to it actually happening.

It's going to happen. The Super League's going to happen. This was a trial balloon that they sent out there.

Losing your debit card is a good way to replenish your finances by clearing out forgotten subscriptions.

That's how I look at losing my debit card sometimes because you get the monthly charges for things that you forget that you're subscribed to. And so then those charges stop and then you have to re-sign up for them again. You can look at this in a positive light, Bubba.

Winter and summer menus at salad restaurants are absurd

I just think it's absurd that they have winter and summer menus in a fucking salad place. ... What's the difference between salad in the winter and salad in the summer?

It is a 'big sunglasses on the back of the head guy' move to rip a ball away from a 5-year-old at a park

[Speaker 2]: his son was way older than mine, and he just stole the ball from our ball. And I was like, you can't take that. [PFT Commenter]: You know what that is? That's a big sunglasses on the back of the head upside down guy move.

I'm going to be a huge fan of women's sports once my daughter is born

I'm having another child. It's going to be a girl... As of June, I'm going to be forced to do a podcast with a bunch of misogynists, and I'm no longer going to be a misogynist. For some reason, I just love watching women's sports now. That just happened overnight.

I genuinely didn't know the T in 'mortgage' was silent

I genuinely thought that's it. I didn't know the T was silent... I missed that once. I've gotten criticism in my broadcasting career. I've gotten destroyed for this... It's my fault. I messed up.

I am officially retiring from giving pregame speeches

I gave them [Tony Scheffler's team] a pump up speech before state quarterfinals. And then they lost by like 40. I'm retiring from the pregame speech. We'll stop doing speeches.

Apartment buildings should replace staircases with escalators

Why don't we have escalators instead of staircases in apartment buildings? That to me seems like a much more functional alternative. [Big Cat: That takes up a lot of space.] Same amount as the stairs. I want the stairs to move.

The Suez Canal ship will be bombed if it is not fixed within a week

Eventually they're just gonna have to blow it up. Eventually someone's gonna launch a missile at it. Take it apart piece by piece. They're gonna drop a bomb on it if it's not fixed within a week. That's my prediction.

Drew Brees will not be a good broadcaster

I got a hot take. I don't think Drew Brees is going to be that good in the booth... There's going to be a wave of people being like, and as much shit as we give Tony Romo, he's objectively good... I don't think Drew Brees has a personality. I would sell all my stock on Drew Brees being good in the booth.

Pardon My Take is in danger because Rex Chapman is starting a sports podcast

My fire fest is we're fucked boys and girls. Pardon My Take is fucked because Rex Chapman is doing his own sports podcast... I don't think that there's any chance that we can compete with Rex just saying like, 'We don't deserve dogs, brah.'

The first nice day of spring in the Northeast is equivalent to the feeling of taking Molly

Even though it is the first nice day of the year in the Northeast... some may say that the first nice day of the year is like taking Molly for those who have been shut in all winter.

Losing a three-leg moneyline parlay by one game is the worst way to lose in gambling

When you bet two out of three parlay and you hit money lines, like that's actually the worst way to lose of all time.

The United States is ending Daylight Savings Time permanently

The United States Senate is passing a bill saying that we're not going to do daylight savings time ever again. So your clocks stay where they are... It looks like we're not going to be changing our clocks this summer. Ever again. Ever again.

The new Space Jam movie isn't worth seeing because Lola Bunny is no longer 'thick.'

Lola Bunny is no longer thick. It sucks... I don't think I'm going to go see the new Space Jam. If I can't get aroused to a cartoon character in a movie about basketball, then I don't think it's worth my money buying a ticket.

Trevor Lawrence is just a 6'6" version of Tate Martell who has kept a 'mirage' going.

My take about Trevor Lawrence is that he is basically Tate Martell. But since he's taller... he's been able to keep the mirage up. Quarterbacks who get groomed like Trevor Lawrence in practice, they get as many reps as they want to get it right [but they aren't Tom Brady].

Rebranding Mr. Potato Head to 'Potato Head' is neutering the toy

They changed him today. They massacred my boy. Hasbro is... they neutered him. Yeah, they're giving him a spud, a gender-neutral new name. Just Potato Head.

Eating salads for a week caused my kidney stones

Bottom line is no more salads. I fucked up by eating salads for a week and now look at me. I'm passing a kidney stone... My inside is like the Infinity Stones.

Chapstick is one of the biggest scams in America

I present to you one of the biggest scams in America. Chapstick. I keep losing mine. It is impossible to finish a stick. You have to buy a new one every week. Do you know anyone who's ever finished a chapstick?

Mike Greenberg has successfully executed a power play for every major job at ESPN

Mike Greenberg, they just announced he's going to be doing the NFL draft. Oh, great. Another show for him. More Greeny. All Greeny all the time. He seriously has had a power play for every job at ESPN.

Hank faked a fart noise on a soundboard to get more views for Stool Streams

I actually think that Hank had like a sound board in the truck, a fart board. Piped it in to get more views on his little video that he was putting out. And then he wrote like two blogs about it and he's tried to squeeze content out of it.

Vacation shaming is always wrong

Vacation shaming in all forms is wrong. That's my stance. I just, you know, I'm on the front lines of vacations everywhere.

Politicians should not be allowed on Twitter at all

I do think that politicians just should not be on Twitter at all. I've seen way too much of politicians dunking on other politicians. People that are in the Senate and House of Representatives spend like 90% of their time thinking about how they can get retweets.