Takes

Joe Lunardi is secretly miserable because other people are catching up to his bracketology

I think Joe Lunardi is secretly miserable. Because in 2021, it's the Mel Kiper theory, right? ... Now there's a shitload of people who do draft stuff. I think Joe Lunardi is just constantly looking over his shoulder. Like, there's going to be a kid someday that comes and just nails it every single year. And if I slip up, if I put BYU on the 9 seed and they end up being a 10, it's curtains for me.

Peak Julius Randle is better than peak Chris Bosh

I kind of agree with that [the viral tweet]. Big J. Oh, he said at his peak, was Chris Bosh ever as good as Julius Randle? ... Drunk with power, which I am. I kind of agree with that.

The viral video of Cam Newton getting heckled was a PR setup

I'm woke on this Cam Newton clip... It almost feels like that was kind of set up to remind everyone how awesome Cam Newton was. We'll put out a video of Cam getting disrespected so that people are forced to recall how great he is at football. Because you're right. This is the most sympathetic press Cam Newton's got in the last year.

Cam Newton isn't fully healthy because he didn't swing on the heckling kid

That's actually what's telling me that Cam Newton isn't healthy. Because if he was, he should have just swung on the kid. Where somebody's being that disrespectful... Cam, you should be able to defend yourself.

The Water Dogs MUST draft Chris Hogan in the Premier Lacrosse League

[Chris Hogan] has declared for the Premier League lacrosse draft... We have equity in the Water Dogs. Whatever we have to do to get Chris Hogan on our team, we have to do it.

Jordan Spieth is now a likable underdog because he has been so bad

Everyone likes Jordan Spieth because he's been so bad and such a head case for so long that he gets the pity... now he's an underdog despite the fact that he's won millions and millions of dollars playing golf.

Loyola Chicago is in great shape to make the NCAA tournament

They're in great shape to make the tournament... If they make the tournament, everyone's going to talk about [Sister Jean].

The hosts are starting a strict 'no carbs' diet for February

Tomorrow, we're starting our diets. ... No carbs for the month of February. ... If you see a carb in my mouth, slap it out. Serious. Except for Saturdays. Those are cheat days.

The Vince Lombardi Trophy should be renamed the Tom Brady Trophy

Vince Lombardi only won one. You're so greedy, Hank. It's true. He won one trophy. He won one Vince Lombardi trophy. Tom Brady's won seven. Like, come on. ... It's a crime that the championship trophy isn't named after Tom Brady.

Conor McGregor is done being a consistent threat for the UFC belt

I asked the question, is he done in terms of like – is he done being a threat for the belt consistently? It feels like that. I don't know it well enough, but it feels like that just by the fact that he's fought like three times in the last four years and one of them was an old dude who he beat and he's lost twice.

Coach K is a quintessential jerk for belittling a student reporter

Coach K was asked the question... by a student reporter from the Duke Chronicle... asking Coach K where do you guys go from here which is a very routine question... and Coach K essentially embarrassed and belittled this kid... How can you defend this, Hank? He's such a jerk. He's a quintessential jerk.

It is time for Coach K to think about stepping down

Listen, maybe it's time for Coach K to think about stepping down.

The targeting rule should be changed so the opposing coach chooses between 3 points or an ejection

I actually threw out Mike Greenberg's dumb rules. It should be. If you, if a guy gets called for targeting, the coach gets to decide either give the other team three points or you get to give the other team three points and he can stay in or he's objected. I like that.

2021 will be the year of hard bodies

Hard bodies in 2021. What does that mean? We're just going to get hard. Hell yeah. By the end of 2021, you will be able to bounce a quarter off my abs and ass. We're the next generation of being hard.

Billy Football will fight Jose Canseco as my champion

I have found a champion in my place. Learn the game of Thrones, Jose. Ever heard of it? My champion is Billy Football. I will have him fight in lieu of me... Billy is fighting for my honor. He's your fall guy, right? I am a coward, hand up, whatever. But I have my champion. He is Billy Football. He will fight in my place.

Kyrie Irving is the 'basketball Steve Jobs'

I think I've decided to just become a Kyrie guy... what's the harm in going with everything that Kyrie Irving says and believes? I'd rather believe him and have him be wrong than not believe him and have him be right... He thinks he's the basketball Steve Jobs.

US Soccer is 'back' and will be a threat in Qatar 2022

US soccer's back big time... Gio Reyna scored an amazing goal... him and Pulisic are tearing up European soccer. So I'm confident in the U.S.'s chances in 2022 in Qatar.

The 'Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?' debate is the worst thing ever

My who's back of the week is people asking, is Die Hard a Christmas movie? I saw it start to happen. Fuck. This is the hot dog is a sandwich debate. If anybody asks you this question, they are a police officer. Do not answer them... Please don't do it. I will lose respect for you.

I would fuck up Jake Paul in a fight 100%

I will fuck up Jake Paul 100%. He's small. He's 5'7 at the tallest. I looked at a picture of him next to Dave Portnoy, and they were the exact same height... I have a bigger reach than Jake Paul. I would totally be able to pick him out from the outside.

Northwestern fans need to stop pretending to be a scrappy underdog and act like a good football program.

I just cannot stand Northwestern fans... You can't do the, we're the little engine that could. We're the scrappy underdog. No one cares about Northwestern... Stop pretending like every win is like, oh, my God, we fucking... shock the world and we beat you. You won the Big Ten West two years ago.

If the Maryland football team beats Michigan, they are officially respected in the Big Ten.

I am officially saying that if Maryland beats Michigan, they're into the Big Ten in football.

James Harden joining the Nets would be a complete disaster

James Harden apparently wants to come to Brooklyn and play with the Nets, which would be a complete disaster. It would destroy the entire... Yeah, what the hell? Yeah, that's not going to work. There wouldn't even be a super team.

I will get a tattoo of Drew Brees' touchdown total if he wins the Super Bowl

I have to get a tattoo if Drew Brees wins the Super Bowl... No, I said that if Drew Brees wins the Super Bowl, I'll get a tattoo of whatever number of touchdowns he ends up with.

Brooks Koepka will dominate The Masters

My who's back is Brooks Koepka. Yeah Brooks Koepka is back. It's a major. He's gonna dominate I'm certain of it... Masters are here. He's locked in and for the first time in a long time, it looks like he has an actual rival.

You are a pussy if you put a case on your phone

No case gang for life. You're a pussy if you put a case on your phone. No, my phone works... Every time I touch this phone metal on skin baby and every time I drop it, it's adrenaline coursing through my veins... I was no case gang for life.

The Jim Harbaugh era at Michigan is officially over

The knives are back out for Jim Harbaugh... I just all I'm saying is I think it's over. I really do. 24 and a half Point favorites against Michigan State... and they lose like that... I think this is actually might be close to the end for Harbaugh.

LeBron James calling DK Metcalf 'Baby Bron' is the lamest thing ever

How come we didn't talk about this earlier? DK? LeBron James posting a story on his Instagram referring to DK Metcalf as baby Bron. Lamest thing ever. This guy's really good. He's baby Bron? I would be so pissed off if I was DK Metcalf.

Rafael Nadal is the undisputed GOAT of tennis after his 13th French Open title

Rafa Nadal won the French Open today... 13 Roland Garros titles... Number 13 number 20 overall. I think searching Rafa ended the debate today. You know, he just unquestionable GOAT talk to me in five years.

LeBron James is officially the second-best basketball player of all time

I still think MJ's better but like LeBron is incredible. Yeah, he's won four titles. What can you say? ... He's the second best player of all time. That's really nice honesty.

Erik Spoelstra is the only reason LeBron James won championships in Miami

Spoelstra's a very good coach. Honestly I'm a huge advocate of Spoelstra and he's the only reason that LeBron James ever won those championships in Miami in the first place.

Jimmy Butler is a top-five player in the NBA right now

Jimmy Butler could be top-five player ever ever. I thought I'd play right now. Absolutely.

LeBron James is definitely winning the NBA title this year

LeBron's gonna win [the] title... I ran some simulations and they're all kind of coming out the same way.

Bronny James Jr. is better at smoking weed than I am

I would say I would say something like that. Yeah, smoking the nuggets pack. He's better at smoking weed than I am. Oh, he's what, 16 years old? He's great at smoking.

Tesla for Tables: A self-leveling table technology

Tesla for tables... the table itself feels the surface around it and then adjusts so that there's never any wobble... every restaurant I go to has a set of wobbly table. All those tables wobble.

I'm rooting for Mitch Trubisky because 2020 needs a cool story

It's bullshit that anyone is sitting here and rooting against Mitch Trubisky. ... 2020 sucks, root for something crazy. Mitch Trubisky 2020. ... I'm ready and I have a little perspective for you from coach Matt Nagy... we're going to all support around him and give him every opportunity to have a very happy ending.

I'll gamble on Nathan Peterman winning a Super Bowl

There's a chance we see another Nathan Peterman. You want to get real fucking crazy with 2020? Get a Nathan Peterman tattoo. ... I'll gamble on Nathan Peterman winning a Super Bowl.

Bronny James joining FaZe Clan is a money-laundering scheme for Coach K

So we're gonna snitch on Bronny. What percentage of FaZe Clan does Coach K own? It's dark money that's going into no one knows who finances it.

Mystery teams in MLB trade rumors are never actually real

I don't think these mystery teams ever real. Swooping in last-second franchise mode... I guess the mystery team is now the front-runner.

The Jaguars' defensive window closed because they got rid of Blake Bortles

The real story is you have to score points in this league if you want to compete in AFC Championship game and they got rid of the quarterback... everyone was talking about how [the Jaguars] now have two starters left from that 2017 game... none of them mentioned that Blake Bortles also gone.

Jimmy Graham and Cole Kmet will be a dynamic duo for the Bears

Everyone knows [Jimmy Graham] is an elite blocker... they got Cole Kmet and Jimmy Graham. Dynamic duo. If we just get half of their production from last year, we're going to be great.

Kim Jong-un faked his coma to test the loyalty of his inner circle

Kim Jong-un is back from the coma... His sister has now disappeared. So I think that he did a little switch to make sure to see who's loyal to him.

A unified Yugoslavian Olympic basketball team would be one of the best in the world

Doncic, Bogdanovic, Bojan Bogdanovic, Jokic, Vucevic, Dragic... If Yugoslavia remained today, their Olympic team national team would actually be pretty good.

Bill Belichick will sign Earl Thomas to replace Patrick Chung

Maybe this belcheck move. Maybe Belichick picks him up. They lost Patrick Chung for the year. They get real Thomas as like an impact veteran that everybody else has given up on

Alex Smith looks like he still can't play football despite being cleared

He doesn't look like he can play football. His leg. I think I could play football better than he could play football. I don't he couldn't he couldn't avoid the rush of his five-year-old spraying like Dasani on them and then they put out pictures of his leg and it's like to see turbine not well his leg is in basically a Forever cast right now.

Mike Glennon is the perfect quarterback for people to use in Kaepernick comparison tweets

Every year we have to have at least one quarterback that's the perfect person for half of Twitter to quote tweet and be like Colin Kaepernick isn't on an NFL team but this person. Yes, Mike Glennon is like the perfect person to focus our attention on there.

August is the 'Sunday of Summer'

My real who's back to the week is Seasons. Yeah dude, it's August. Yeah... August for me is always like oh, it's Sunday. Oh because back to school. Yeah, you're still in the mode where like I go to the department store with your mom and you see backpacks on sale.

Tom Thibodeau to the Knicks is not going to work

This is going to not work. Nothing screaming New York City like Tom Thibodeau... He went from like he didn't trust the ownership in GM in Chicago... now he's going to go work for James Dolan. I guarantee you Tim's decides just like he lives in Staten Island takes the ferry over every day.

I'm unloading on Mitchell Trubisky whenever the game temperature is exactly 66 degrees

Mr. Trubisky has by far the highest quarterback rating in the NFL when it's exactly 66 degrees... I'm absolutely going to open up my weather app every single Sunday morning. And if it's 66, I'm unloading on Mitchell Trubisky.

Aaron Rodgers is obsessed with dating famous people

Shailene Woodley. Aaron Rodgers is obsessed with just dating famous people. He just dates... I think maybe... you'd probably want to date a non-famous person to convince them to move to Green Bay, Wisconsin.

Nobody actually wants a real dad bod

Fuck the people who have made dad bod culture seem cool because I know deep down, no one actually wants dad bods. They want the Zac Efron six pack dad bod... reality is if you have a true dad bod you're just really tired all the time because your metabolism is fucked up and you're overweight.