Takes

Joe Lunardi is secretly miserable because other people are catching up to his bracketology

I think Joe Lunardi is secretly miserable. Because in 2021, it's the Mel Kiper theory, right? ... Now there's a shitload of people who do draft stuff. I think Joe Lunardi is just constantly looking over his shoulder. Like, there's going to be a kid someday that comes and just nails it every single year. And if I slip up, if I put BYU on the 9 seed and they end up being a 10, it's curtains for me.

Mark Davis orders orange chicken and fried rice at P.F. Chang's

I know Mark. Mark's a wonderful guy. I think Mark would play it right up the middle. I think he would go orange chicken, chicken fried rice, egg roll. Right up the middle. I don't really see him diversifying it.

Throwing a no-hitter on LSD is the most impressive athletic feat of all time

He should try doing it on LSD like Doc Ellis did. If you want to talk about the most impressive athletic feats of all time, I'd say throwing a no-hitter on LSD is probably number one and number two.

Big Ben Roethlisberger taking a pay cut is the ultimate 'hero ball' move.

This might be my favorite Big Ben move ever because he took a pay cut... But he signed a big money contract knowing he was going to get paid like $40 million when he was very old and at the end of his career. And now he's hero ball, going to take a pay cut on the contract that he signed to get paid a ton of money when he was really old. This is the greatest thing that Big Ben has ever done.

Steelers fans should not be excited about Big Ben Roethlisberger returning for another year.

If I was a Steelers fan, I would not be super thrilled about another year of Big Ben.

The NFL salary cap doesn't actually matter.

Basically, [the salary cap] doesn't matter... teams will go from under $20 million over the cap to magically, oh, they have a bunch of cap space.

People who don't believe in aliens are losers.

People who don't believe in aliens are losers. Straight up. Why would you willingly convince yourself that aliens don't exist? It's like betting the under.

Jim Boeheim was wrong to attack reporter Matthew Gutierrez during his press conference.

Boeheim should not have gone after him... He was being a pro and being a good journalist. He probably was looking like a twerp, and Boeheim was just like, 'fuck you.'

Unpaid internships shouldn't be abolished because there are government grants available for them.

What I was trying to say is that there's you can't get we can't get rid of unpaid internships... There's plenty of search engines to find funding and scholarships for unpaid internships that you can qualify for, especially underrepresented... You don't get paid from the employer, but you can get grants so you can take those.

Illinois is the number one team in college basketball

Illinois is officially the number one team in the country according to my power rankings. What a night in college basketball. They absolutely kicked the shit out of Michigan... I want everyone to understand that the rankings are not predictive. They're reactive. So I reacted to the last week.

Teams should drop in the rankings if they go to overtime

The Baylor game, we can get to that in a little bit. But if you go to overtime, I feel like you should drop in the rankings. That should be reflected on the back end.

Missing the tournament is better for Duke than losing in the first round

I actually agree with that. I think that not making the tournament is actually way better for Duke than making the tournament and getting skunked in the first round. Just getting, like, blown out.

The Cardinals won't be good because Kliff Kingsbury is still their coach

I just, yeah, I, their defense might be better. They still have Kliff Kingsbury as their coach so I don't believe in them.

NFL players shouldn't be able to demand trades over personnel decisions

But I don't think a player should be able to demand who they want interviewed or what players they want to pick up or let go. I mean, that crosses the line... I just don't think that it's right for a player to be upset and demand a trade because they didn't interview someone he wanted to interview.

Michigan is the best college basketball team in the country

I think Michigan should be number one. They're the best team in the country. What they've done has been insanely impressive... They are just killing people.

Hunter Dickinson is the best player in college basketball

I think Hunter Dickinson is the best player in the entire country. I'm only saying that because he's an AWL.

JJ Watt should sign with Cleveland or Buffalo to achieve legendary status

Cleveland does, you know, we discussed it when he became a free agent. Like, that is the... franchise you can go to that will embrace him... If you're the final piece to bring a Super Bowl to [Cleveland or Buffalo], it's a totally different level than signing with the Titans or with the Packers.

The Seahawks should keep Russell Wilson and fire Pete Carroll if forced to choose

I would rather keep Russell Wilson than Pete Carroll if I was in charge of the Seahawks. If Russell Wilson went to the Seahawks' ownership and was like, hey, it's me or Pete, they would absolutely fire Pete in a second.

Mikel Arteta should be fired as Arsenal manager

I am Arteta out... He needs to fuck off. If [Kroenke] doesn't spend enough money, then he needs to fuck off... This is the lowest we've ever been [as a club].

The US soccer team needs European coaches to reach the next level

I think you need better coaching. So European coaches coming over here will help you... You have to spend money on grassroots... Because, like it or not, we're the ones that understand the best football. We've got the philosophies.

LeBron James can never match Michael Jordan's level of legendary asshole-ness

LeBron could never. Never, ever. ... MJ talks such great shit... [He] has a full staff walking around with highlights ready to go, depending on which NBA players he runs into. ... LeBron could never.

Russell Wilson included the Bears on his trade list just to drive up his trade value for other teams

I think that he threw the Bears in there as kind of throwing a bone for the Seahawks because he knows that if the Bears are in the discussion, his trade value goes up. And so that means that other teams would be able to give a little bit more money.

I will become the most religious, corny person in the world if Russell Wilson becomes a Bear

If Russell Wilson somehow, someway becomes a bear, I will buy into... I might just become the most religious person in the world. Just become unlimited. Yeah, just praise Jesus every single day. I will tweet about the corniest sayings, everything. I'll be a Mr. Unlimited.

Disc Golf is a massive growth market that we can get in on the ground floor of

There is a new sport that's blowing up. And I think we can get it on the ground floor and make a lot of money. This dude, Paul McBeth. Today, signed a 10-year, $10 million contract extension to play disc golf. His signature line sold so many. There's such a huge market there.

Rebranding Mr. Potato Head to 'Potato Head' is neutering the toy

They changed him today. They massacred my boy. Hasbro is... they neutered him. Yeah, they're giving him a spud, a gender-neutral new name. Just Potato Head.

A man who works out twice a day and can only bench 185 is definitely cheating on his girlfriend

185, there's really no other explanation. You're either dating the biggest soy boy beta bitch or he's cheating on you... Most gyms will actually revoke your membership if you go there every day because you're obviously, you're not getting out of this what you're putting into it.

Arizona is a college basketball blue blood

Arizona could be a blue blood. I think Arizona is a blue blood. I mean, they won a national championship in the early 2000s... Legendary coach [Lute Olson]?

Michigan is good enough to beat Baylor or Gonzaga this season

I feel like in yesterday's game, that was the first time in months that somebody's been like, showed up on a national stage, and you're like, that team can beat Baylor. That team can beat Gonzaga. Michigan, yeah. I feel like we need to include them in that conversation.

An NFL quarterback should always be a team captain

I'd prefer you to be a captain. It's so hard to be a quarterback and not be a captain. Yes, yes. There's something. The Bo Callahan joke and Draft Day joke actually becomes real when you have a college quarterback who's a first-round talent and not a captain.

Fear of missing out (FOMO) is the correct reason to get into Bitcoin or Top Shot

If the only reason you're getting into it is a fear of missing out, that's the wrong reason? No, no, no, no. That's exactly the only reason to get in. The only reason to get into all of these things is that you don't want to someday be pumping the gas for a fucking Bitcoin billionaire's boat.

Cam Newton isn't fully healthy because he didn't swing on the heckling kid

That's actually what's telling me that Cam Newton isn't healthy. Because if he was, he should have just swung on the kid. Where somebody's being that disrespectful... Cam, you should be able to defend yourself.

Society is trending into the toilet

What we're saying is our society is heading to the toilet. So in 12 years when my son has to go through middle school and high school, it is going to be a landmine. You think we're trending up? Uh-uh... We're trending down.

Sidney Crosby is a top-five hockey player of all time

Crosby's in my top five players of all time. I actually think it's in no particular order... it's Wayne Gretzky, Mario Lemieux, Sidney Crosby, Bobby Orr, Gordie Howe.

Alex Ovechkin is the best goal scorer in the history of hockey

Ovechkin is, I think, the best goal scorer of all time. I know he doesn't have the most goals, which he actually somehow might break... But Ovechkin is right there with Gretzky and Hall, top goal scorers of all time.

PGA Tour golfers are higher-level athletes relative to their sport than any other professional athletes

I actually say a lot that I think that PGA Tour golfers are better at their sport than any other professional athlete is at their sport, if that makes any sense. If you threw me in an NBA game, I'll look like Sean Bradley. Throw me on the tour, I'll shoot 100 and quit.

Novak Djokovic is the tennis GOAT

Novak Djokovic... He's the fucking goat. Suck on this dick, Jake. I am the number one Novak Djokovic fan out there. He wins his 18th title. 18th major... He's the fucking goat.

The Eagles are the biggest losers of the Carson Wentz trade

The biggest losers being the Philadelphia Eagles, I would say. I would frame it in the context of the Eagles traded for him to draft him. Then they gave him a ton of money. Then they also gave him a ton of money and $33 million against the cap, and their franchise quarterback that they thought they had traded for and everything was hunky-dory is now gone.

The Steelers don't want Big Ben around next year

Then we also had the Big Ben news where kind of ominous saying that Big Ben is on the roster and a stealer today. It doesn't feel like they want Big Ben around next year.

Zach Wilson's mechanics are Mahomes-esque

It's just the way [Zach Wilson] uses his base in separation to his upper body when he throws. It's very Mahomes-esque and very baseball-esque.

The Mets should have brought up Tim Tebow just to sell tickets

My prediction was that the Mets should bring him up because they weren't selling any tickets, and they should have brought him up several times to the big leagues because Tim Tebow puts asses in seats. That's just a fact. People would go out and watch Tim Tebow strike out three times before they would go out and watch the Mets win 30% of their games at home.

Tim Tebow is a top 3 college football player ever

I would say [Tebow]'s underrated in football because we all clown on him and, you know, he wasn't great in the pros. But in terms of, I mean, he's one of the best college football players ever, I think. I'd say, like, top three college football player.

I want to stay with the Buccaneers if we can keep the team together

I would love to rejoin, you know, but things happen. If it doesn't work out, it happens. So just stay and pray it up and I'm going to let my agents and them deal with that. I think this team, we could do something special if we stay together again.

Gronk would be an elite lacrosse player without needing stick skills

Gronk wouldn't even have to worry about stick skills. I mean, the stick would be invisible. You'd stick him on attack, and he'd be able to run through everybody.

Vacation shaming is always wrong

Vacation shaming in all forms is wrong. That's my stance. I just, you know, I'm on the front lines of vacations everywhere.

Politicians should not be allowed on Twitter at all

I do think that politicians just should not be on Twitter at all. I've seen way too much of politicians dunking on other politicians. People that are in the Senate and House of Representatives spend like 90% of their time thinking about how they can get retweets.

Coach K’s empire at Duke is officially crumbling

We're totally sidetracking that Duke is—the whole entire empire is crumbling, Hank. Coach K has nothing. He has nothing left.

The Bears are not Super Bowl contenders even if they trade for Carson Wentz

Something's afoot, and I would like to stem the tide. I don't think I can, but it feels like something's afoot here because the Bears are not a Super Bowl contender with Carson Wentz, especially not with giving up a first-round pick for him.

Players-only meetings are for losers

In my mind, team meetings are for losers because right now you're floundering in the wind, you're getting ready to point some fingers, and people's feelings get hurt in team meetings. If you just talk about it on a constant basis, you get used to it.

James Harden handled his exit from the Rockets poorly

Every scenario is different. And in James' way, I think—I love James as a player, I think he handled it wrong... For them to actually still bend over backwards for this guy and send him to where he wants to go shows you how much love they have for him... You should respectfully go to the organization that's done everything for you and do it quietly.

Modern NBA stars would still be considered 'soft' in the 90s era

If these guys [international players] would have came in during my era, they'd still be soft. Because there was a different era where—guys, you know, you wasn't running over to the monitor because some guys say I got a hit in the head... It makes me so mad now when you see these guys.