Takes

Tiger Woods in contention on a Sunday at the US Open is what America needs right now

What America needs right now more than anything is something like we need a miracle... What we need is Tiger Woods to be in contention on Sunday at the US Open because like you remember at the Masters, everybody get behind tiger on Sunday.

Mystery teams in MLB trade rumors are never actually real

I don't think these mystery teams ever real. Swooping in last-second franchise mode... I guess the mystery team is now the front-runner.

The Jaguars' defensive window closed because they got rid of Blake Bortles

The real story is you have to score points in this league if you want to compete in AFC Championship game and they got rid of the quarterback... everyone was talking about how [the Jaguars] now have two starters left from that 2017 game... none of them mentioned that Blake Bortles also gone.

Using leverage to protest for change is the most American thing you can do

I'll always support the right to protest in this country. Being able to use your leverage and power to protest to try to enact change is kind of the most American thing you can do in my mind personally. It's why this country so great is that you have the ability to say, I don't agree with something, I want to change something.

The 'Bigger Than Ben' documentary is just a love letter to Roethlisberger's own pain tolerance

It was a love story to his wife, to his own pain tolerance, I would say. And then also I didn't understand the beginning when he was talking about all the haters and it's like who is really hating Ben? ... It was essentially the 'hey we need to remind everyone that Ben's the toughest' quote.

Hard Knocks needs the preseason to be good

Here's my theory. Hard Knocks needs the preseason because you watch Hard Knocks on Tuesday nights and then you watch the actual games happen and you see what's happening on the field. You're like, oh, there's that cornerback that we keep hearing about who's trying to make the team. We've lost that element. So now we're just watching like, oh, let's just check in with this training camp. It kind of ruins everything.

Every NBA lottery team should have the exact same odds to win

He [Mike Greenberg] thinks that every team in the lottery should have the exact same chance of winning the lottery. That's actually not a crazy crazy idea that's actually been talked about because it would basically take away tanking. It's the anti-tank rule. I don't hate that.

Chris Webber is a terrible announcer

Chris Webber is a terrible announcer and he's getting exposed because he's been calling it feels like the important game every single night and holy shit does he suck. Chris Webber is the Michael Scott? Sometimes I start a sentence and I don't even know where it's going. It's hard to trend as an announcer two nights in a row without saying anything actually controversial... he's just trending because he's bad.

Allen Iverson is one of the greatest basketball players we have ever witnessed

I will tell you, one of the greatest basketball players that we have ever witnessed with some of the quickest handles and some of the best most precise pivot movements ever. He's a good face for the Tidewater area, I would definitely say that for sure.

Luka Doncic is a generational superstar and the teams that passed on him missed out on 20 years of greatness

I'm just going to say it to the Hawks who traded him on draft night to the kings that took Marvin Bagley... They worry about it. They do you miss on a generational super Star that is going to be incredible in the NBA for like the next 20 years shit happens man

Paul George is a pathetic second banana who stinks in the playoffs

playoff P play. Off PP. Holy shit. That guy stinks. I don't understand how you can be like considered... one of the... you would say that playoff p is at the top of the list for second bananas and then the playoffs come around and it's like dude have you played basketball before... Paul George just pathetic.

The Sixers cannot win a championship with both Joel Embiid and Ben Simmons together

The the like sports radio call-in like you need to trade one of the two and just build around the other I think is actually now true like someone in Philly. Has been saying has been calling Angelo and Phil he's been calling into the last three years screaming about this Angel and Phillies. Correct? I do not think that you can win with both those guys.

The Washington Football Team should change their mascot to the Red Wolves

If you do change the name, I realize I feel strongly that it should be Red Wolves... The defense could be called the Wolf Pack... I think that dogs in general are criminally underrepresented at the professional level.

Holding a baby is the perfect cover for committing a crime

I think I need to get into a life of crime using my son as like pretty much... a prop... The guy looked at me and he was like 'this guy... is a dad he can't steal.'

The Milwaukee Bucks stink

Hank was magic earned their pins cake. I want to give you credit and for saying the buck being the first to be the Bucks stink guy. Thank you. That was your call because you were right on that.

The Clippers are the best team in the NBA

I think the Clippers are still the best team... I still think when the like chips are down like Kauai is the type of guy. I just don't care how he looks right now. It's like once they get to the end of series like in the Western Conference Finals, like that's all I care.

No one in the NBA can stop Luka Doncic

Luca is incredible Lucas so fucking good... I just don't think there's anyone could stop Luca. That's how good he is.

Eli Manning is a surefire Hall of Famer

I think Eli you the Hall of Famer is the first ballot. I don't know but I think in this your Fire Hall of Famer without a doubt, I think just the two Super Bowl wins, and and the Let's play that he had missed a career that he had without missing.

Defensive end is the second most important position in football

I think the second highest paid position and football is a defensive end. Yeah behind your back because that's the only guy on the defensive side of the ball who can disrupt the quarterback in so many ways.

LeBron James and Dwight Howard are real Lakers because they wear the uniform

I don't know about that. Finally puts the Jersey on and wins a championship. That's all we care about... here's the way I look at it is we put the uniform on your liquor in my book.

It is not remarkable how little Billy Football actually does for the show

What made you what I don't like. I thought we can't answer probably is not remarkable how little we ask you to do and how little you actually do towards those girls.

Alex Smith looks like he still can't play football despite being cleared

He doesn't look like he can play football. His leg. I think I could play football better than he could play football. I don't he couldn't he couldn't avoid the rush of his five-year-old spraying like Dasani on them and then they put out pictures of his leg and it's like to see turbine not well his leg is in basically a Forever cast right now.

George Kittle is the best tight end in the NFL

George Kittle... signs a 75 million dollar contract... I'm going to say he's the best tight end in the game. He's the best tied in the game and he has played in the NFL for three years and he has made less than 2 million dollars total.

The NFL should schedule low over/under games at 11:00 AM to replace Big Ten football

If there's no college football on Saturday... try to replace it... by just scheduling the game that has the lowest point total over under to be the 11 a.m. Game. Have it be like Broncos Redskins 11 am.

The 2020 Big Ten cancellation makes this the least fun autumn of our lifetimes

This fall is going to be possibly the least fun Autumn, excuse me, that we'll have in our lifetimes.

Sean McVay scripted his shirtless scenes and dog tricks for Hard Knocks

Sean McVay took his shirt off which you know that he's been planning the entire summer... He's like, I'm going to work out this summer. I'm going to teach the dog cool basketball tricks and the pool and the second the cameras get here. Boom.

Crutches are useless because they hurt your armpits more than your foot

I'm putting a man named... Emil Schlick in 1917. He invented the crutch and I'm saying the crutch is useless. It is my armpits are more sore than my foot.

College football would happen if the NCAA paid the athletes and made them employees

This is the one sport where they don't pay their athletes and if they pay their athletes, I actually think it would happen. They wish it'd basically be like, hey, do you want to get paid? Okay... the problem is the NCAA will do everything including cancel a season before they pay their athlete.

Kirk Herbstreit and Chris Fowler on Monday Night Football will be phenomenal

One positive. Let's finish this with one positive Kirk Herbstreit, Chris Fowler on Monday Night Football will be phenomenal. They're a great Monday Night Football both they and they're going to call Monday night.

Brooks Koepka was clearly injured at the PGA Championship and everyone mocking him should go fuck themselves

Brooks lost the course one. What the fuck do you want from us? Of course one this weekend. He didn't have he was hurt... if we were to make an excuse for Brooks, he was so clearly hurt and anyone who's talking bad about him right now can go fuck themselves.

Draymond Green's $50,000 fine for recruiting Devin Booker was worth it

Draymond get fined $50,000 for saying Devin Booker needs to get out of the Phoenix on the set of TNT. Well, so people are saying that there shouldn't be these tampering laws anymore like $50,000 of Draymond Green is absolutely nothing. It's actually probably worth it In terms of just like the message that he was sending to Booker at that point.

The genius of Jackass is its wholesomeness and lack of mean-spiritedness toward third parties

There's also finally something I believe actually pretty wholesome about the fact that and there's nothing mean-spirited and what we're doing... we're Reckless or we do terrible things to ourselves and to each other, but we're never cruel to third parties or to anybody else. So, you know, It's weird to say Jackass is wholesome but I think it does apply.

I didn't need drugs or alcohol to do stunts because I am just a sober attention whore

I just learned that you take away the drugs and the alcohol from the waste an attention whore and then you get a sober attention whore and that's like really that's all there is to it. I never took painkillers for pain and I never did stunts because I was loaded. I just am an attention whore.

Jon Gruden faking a coronavirus diagnosis to teach his team a lesson is an all-time football guy move

Jon Gruden expect the unexpected guys, and he holds a zoom meeting and he has I think it was a special teams coach announces that the start coach Gruden is in the hospital. He's dealing with coronavirus and all his players like oh my god... and they're like ha just kidding gotcha not but take this seriously. Yeah, let's all learn a lesson from this... it was an all-time football guy move for him to be like, let's learn a lesson from me pretending that I'm [sick].

There are more teams 'nobody wants to play' in the NBA playoffs this year than ever before

Right now off the top my head. There are more teams that nobody wants to play in the playoffs in the NBA at this point than there have ever been... No one wants to play Toronto in the playoffs. No one wants to play the Heat in the playoffs. No one wants to play Oklahoma City... No one wants to play the Rockets.

Philip Rivers is definitely a Hall of Fame player

I miss tilt on man. He's he's a stud and I mean he was just very underrated to me. I mean he is just I think he's all the same player and you know, everybody wants to debate that but I think he is I mean, he's a stud and just the things that he does in the background that I got to see just firsthand.

Kobe Bryant had the most 'rockstar quality' and charisma of any athlete

Kobe was a rockstar. Like I've never really been around anyone like that... it was like, oh yeah, we should ask for more money because this guy just had a sort of Charisma... Kobe had the sort of rock star like you used to fly... in a helicopter like it was like hanging out with Batman.

LeBron James being a genuinely good person makes him a harder athlete to hate

My thing about LeBron LeBron is... what that guy stands for what you've done... I have a big my he's a that's the thing that kills me because I like hate LeBron, but I know he's such a good guy which drives me insane that drives me insane... I want him to be like I want something like yeah, he's a real asshole.

Sachin Tendulkar is the greatest athlete on the planet in terms of cultural impact

I asked you for the biggest Alpha... and Sachin Tendulkar... In a country of over a billion people of every Faith on the planet, there's one God and it's the Master Blaster. Sachin is he's everything. He's LeBron plus Tom plus Usain Bolt times a million in terms of what he means to that country.

Devin Booker is officially 'a dude' because of how he celebrated his game-winner

I'm on board the Devin Booker train just watching his body language after he made the shot. He basically went to sleep... a person that reacts like that, that guy is a dude.

The hockey ice in Toronto is significantly worse than the ice in Edmonton

Can someone explain to me going back to hockey the difference between the ice in Edmonton and the ice in Toronto because the Toronto ice sucks... Toronto ice is super choppy. It's like iced soup.

Big Ben Roethlisberger loves being the most injured person in the world

Big Ben is on my cool Throne because Big Ben no one likes to tell you how injured they are as much as Big Ben... from what I understand not three [ligaments], so he's flexing about who's three torn ligaments in his elbow.

NBA players are not amateurs and the 1930s model of amateurism is dead

To argue for amateurism Based On A system that was set up in the 1930s and 1940s prior to billion dollar TV contracts and ticket sales and Merchandising is crazy. Amateurism does not exist in high-level college basketball and high-level college football.

You should definitely plant mystery seeds sent from China even if the government says not to

I saw the story over the weekend and I get the US government was saying do not plant seeds that come ship to you from China. Fuck that. If I get mystery seeds. The first thing I'm going to do is plant those.

Serious golf guys who travel to Scotland won't cheat on their wives, but business golf guys will

What from you from your perspective... the business golf guys will [cheat]. The like I'm just going to play a few rounds here and there, that guy will cheat on you. The I want to go to Scotland and all I want to do is play golf at one golf... that's his form of cheating on me.

The Cubs should win the World Series if they are the only team without a COVID positive

I feel like every single team has had positives actually except for the Cubs. Shout out the Cubs. They should probably win it if the Cubs are the only team that don't get a Corona positive do they win the title? Yes, right.

Rob Manfred has been a total debacle in handling MLB's return

Rob Manfred being like I'm gonna threaten you guys if you don't start following the rules, we're going to cancel the league... he just has to be Rob Manfred has to go to bed every single night... he pulls out his Roger Goodell voodoo doll and starts poking it with pins being like, please fuck this up Goodell, please fuck this up because if you fuck this up, no one will give a shit.

Alex Caruso has become 'overratedly underrated'

He has become, I wrote this down when I was watching the game, he started out being underrated but then he was so underrated that he became overrated but now it's swung back and now he's like overratedly underrated. So now he's underrated again.

The Pelicans not playing Zion Williamson more minutes is failing the whole reason they were invited

The Pelicans not realizing the whole reason they were invited was to get Zion in the playoffs and playing him 29 minutes over two games... we wanted to watch Zion. Yeah, he's a little heavy but we still wanted to watch him and you played him 29 minutes in two games... the Pelicans are not going to play ball.

Mike Glennon is the perfect quarterback for people to use in Kaepernick comparison tweets

Every year we have to have at least one quarterback that's the perfect person for half of Twitter to quote tweet and be like Colin Kaepernick isn't on an NFL team but this person. Yes, Mike Glennon is like the perfect person to focus our attention on there.