Takes

Identifying your own white privilege but not changing your behavior is 'Schrodinger's White Privilege'

It's like Schrodinger's white privilege. Just identifying it makes it something. But it also makes it exist and not exist at the same time? Like, if you identify that you're acting like a dick... Newsflash, you're still acting like a dick. If you stop acting like a dick, then you're no longer acting like a dick. I don't think that it can be Schrodinger's dick or not.

Zion Williamson should not play another second of college basketball this year

I think that Zion, especially for a young man, an outstanding young man who has so much to gain, there's really no point in him playing another second of basketball this year.

Roy Williams is a better coach than Coach K because of his jackets

Roy Williams, I would say, is a better coach than Coach K, by the way... I'm saying his jackets. That's the only reason that I'm giving you right now, Hank... I'm Roy Williams. I'm going to be a dadgum good dresser. Dadgummit.

College players should keep eligibility if they aren't drafted in the NBA lottery

Why can't they just figure out a way that you can go to the NBA straight out of high school, but if you're not a lottery pick, you keep all your eligibility. And the team that drafts you keeps your rights. And then doesn't that fix a lot of the stuff?

I would rather be a racehorse than any other athlete

Horse racing... You compete three times. If you retire at the top of your field, and then you just fuck for the rest of your life. That's all you do. You just get paid to fuck, fuck, fuck.

Being hungry is much better than being thirsty

I would rather be hungry than thirsty because I feel like if you are properly hydrated, like you're okay. You can survive for a very long time... I love being hungry because it means I haven't eaten, so I'm feeling kind of skinny.

Kyrie Irving's leadership style is based on his Uncle Drew character

I think Kyrie Irving has just thought he is like now Uncle Drew because he was in that movie. He is like the old guy who's trying to teach everyone else on the team... he doesn't really know how to be like a true leader except for a really bad Hollywood movie.

Manny Machado is effectively early retiring by signing with the San Diego Padres

This is basically a — he almost is early retiring. He's quitting. It's a great situation for him because they're not going to win shit, and he doesn't really care about winning shit. He's going to be able to stomp on all the feet that he wants out there. He's going to be able to dog infield ground balls.

Dick Vitale is losing his edge as a college basketball commentator

I'm a big Dickie V fan. I'm okay that they took him off the [Duke vs. UNC] game. I think they did it a little early, but I will give a little bit of a hat tip to whoever decided it... I listened to Dickie V on Saturday and it's fading on us, boys. I don't want to say it, but he's kind of losing it.

James Dolan will eventually find a way to ruin a Kyrie Irving and Kevin Durant pairing

You know what I'm really excited for? To see how James Dolan can fuck up Kyrie Irving and KD together. Yeah, that's never going to work.

The further south you drive, the worse the drivers get

The thing about people that drive in traffic regularly like in New York, they at least know how to merge. Like you go to — I think it's the further south you go, the worse the drivers are.

Fights are good for NASCAR and the league secretly loves them

Is it good for the sport? Absolutely. They secretly are high-fiving. You know, you don't want anyone to get hurt. They'll put out there that, you know, we don't like it. No way. It's like Dana White. They love it. Gets eyeballs.

Be wary of any new league that promises more football

As much as we love football, we did warn you. We warned you after the first weekend that as much as we love seeing extra football... We've been hurt before. The XFL did not last very long. Whenever someone promises you more football, just be wary.

I would rather be a dead-eye three-point shooter for the rest of my life than be able to dunk

If I could pick one for the rest of my life, to be awesome at dunking or wet from three at all times, I think I would take wet from three... Anytime you're open, think about this. Any guy in the NBA, like if they're open, they just make it. Having that would be so incredible.

The New Orleans Pelicans are stupid if they don't sit Anthony Davis for the rest of the season

If the Pelicans don't sit him for the rest of the year, they're so stupid. Because that would be the ultimate, just having him get some kind of injury where you're like, come on, man, are you serious? You couldn't just sit him?

Jim Harbaugh is in actual trouble at Michigan because he can't get his team emotionally prepared for Ohio State

I think [Jim Harbaugh] is in actual trouble at Michigan... He doesn't have those guys emotionally prepared to play Ohio State, whereas Urban Meyer makes a bunch of kids from Florida and all over the country somehow hate the state of Michigan to a level that, like Jim Harbaugh, it feels like every time they get to that big game, they fall completely flat.

Antonio Brown exposing Ben Roethlisberger's 'owner mentality' is not news because everyone knows Ben is a dick

Antonio Brown... basically explained his conflict with Ben Roethlisberger, basically saying Ben Roethlisberger has an owner mentality and he can call everybody out... I don't really think Antonio Brown, if you want to go a certain route with this to gain public favor, being like, hey, Ben Roethlisberger's a dick, too, is not really—we all know that.

Paxton Lynch is the most unremarkable first-round quarterback of the last 25 years

Paxton Lynch, I'm going to say it right now, is the most unremarkable first-round quarterback that has ever been drafted in the past 25 years... No one even knows if Paxton Lynch is good or not because he only played four games... a guy that you will soon just forget even existed.

John Elway is the third or fourth best quarterback of all time

He's probably the third best quarterback of all time. Third or fourth.

Joe Flacco is just a product of the Baltimore offensive system

This is the year where we find out if Joe Flacco is good or if he's just a product of that awesome Baltimore offensive system that's been so good throughout the years.

Oldest player dunking should be a new All-Star Weekend contest

We should, to make the dunk contest better, before the dunk contest, they should do a contest, oldest guy that can dunk. So oldest NBA player that can still dunk... I want to know who all the retired guys have gotten fat.

MLB is the only All-Star game that still gets the juices flowing

I feel like MLB is the only All-Star game that really gets the juices flowing now... at least still you can't half-ass baseball. A pitcher is still going to throw their stuff. Pro Bowl, NHL, NBA, everyone's just going through the motions.

Zion Williamson should sit out the rest of the college season

I think Zion Williamson should sit out the rest of the year and save himself for the NBA. Honestly, though, seriously, all jokes aside, if he blows out a knee or something like that, he probably won't be a top five pick anymore... Your job is not to make Coach K another $10 million. Your job is to look after your own future.

Kirk Cousins needs to stop tweeting or only tweet about charity

Kirk Cousins has reached a point where he cannot tweet anymore... He is very, very earnest and genuine. He can't tweet. He cannot tweet anymore... The only thing Kirk Cousins should be tweeting is about charity. Go charity route or delete your account.

An NFL starting quarterback is the apex predator of the sports world

If you have the choice of being an NFL quarterback or an outfielder, maybe an outfielder for the Oakland A's, it's not really a choice. And it's like you're it's the national brand of being a national hero versus being maybe at your absolute peak... starting quarterbacks in the NFL are the top, they're apex predators in the sports world.

NBA dads are correct that traveling is no longer called in the league

My cool throne is dads. Because we're all in agreement now that traveling is no longer called in the NBA. So, dads, you were right. They don't call it anymore. It was a gather step, bro. No, it was five steps... There were three gather steps, and then there were two more steps.

The AAF outrating the NBA proves America loves football over everything else

We [the AAF] outrated the NBA game, the primetime NBA game, showing that America loves football over everything else, which we already know and we agree with.

Tom Brady is a prisoner of his own success because of his extreme superstitions

Tom Brady's success is so successful and won so many Super Bowls, how many little things like this do you think he does in a day-to-day basis where he's like, well, it's helped me get to where I'm at? He's basically stuck in the most superstitious life of all time... He's permanently stuck upside down because he keeps winning Super Bowls... He's a prisoner of his own success.

'Abducted in Plain Sight' is the most jaw-dropping documentary I've ever watched

Whatever you're doing right now, drop everything and watch Abducted in Plain Sight because it is—let's just say it's the most jaw-dropping documentary I've ever watched. Not like a good—it wasn't one of those documentaries where you come across being like, man, I'm really thinking about it. It was awesome. I just said what the fuck probably about 15 times.

Deshaun Watson is a much better pocket passer than people realize

I think he's a good pocket passer. I think that that's one thing that people, when you think of [Deshaun Watson], you immediately think of a guy that can move around and get away from pressure, but he is good in the pocket.

The Celtics should trade whatever it takes to get Anthony Davis in his prime

If you can get a player like Anthony Davis in his prime, you do whatever it takes to get him. It's the exact same thing as the Khalil Mack situation. I don't want them to blow the whole thing up, but the reality is that they are most likely going to try and blow the whole thing up.

The NFL was within its rights to prevent Bob Costas from bashing the league during a broadcast

Of course the NFL was like, hey, Bob, you can't say that on one of our fucking broadcasts, dude. Roger Goodell does a lot of stuff to silence a lot of people... but this one, it's like, why would you be allowed to bash the league that's paying your salary right now? During a game, you really can't do that.

LeBron James screwed over the Lakers by trying to tamper for Anthony Davis

LeBron screwed the Lakers. LeBron screwed the Lakers... This was like the most blatant act of tampering of all time... And now everyone hates him on the Lakers. And it's hilarious.

The Pelicans' refusal to trade Anthony Davis was a battle of owners reasserting power over players

The ownership decided this is where it stops. This is where it all stops. It was a battle of millionaires versus people of wealth. And the people of wealth said, you know what? We care more about football than we do about the NBA.

The Sixers are 'all in' on winning a championship this year

The Sixers are all in. They traded Markelle Fultz. They traded for Tobias Harris. They're all in. They're trying to win a championship this year.

You should stop saying 'Thank you for your service' to veterans and just talk to them normally

If you can think of probably anything to say, and you guys are smart, witty, clever guys, I would always suggest say something other than thank you for your service to a vet... maybe just like, how's it going? Hey, you're a human being. I'd like to talk with you.

Roger Goodell has a difficult job and is deserving of respect

I've known Roger for a long time... The job is a job, you know, and he's caught up in a complex tsunami of drama and players and egos and obviously complicated owners... I'm a fan of Rodgers. I don't think he gets everything right all the time, but I think if either of us, three of us had that job, we'd probably be vilified.

I support a three-batter minimum for MLB relief pitchers

Three batter minimum, love it... I actually think they should go further with that. I think they should have a, if you come in on an inning, you have to finish the inning. Just watch guys get fucking torched.

A ground rule double in baseball should count as a home run

I also think that a ground rule double should be a home run. Not the weird one where it gets stuck in the ivy, but just if it bounces over, I think that should count as a home run.

I wanted the Patriots to win another Super Bowl now because Tom Brady's window is closing

I would say the Patriots just because Brady's window is closing. So the more he can get in before he retires, the better.

Ethan Happ is the best player in history from 8 feet in and clueless from further out

Eight feet in, he's maybe the best basketball player to ever play the game. And then from eight feet out, he looks like he's never actually touched a basketball.

The Pac-12 is just soft because the weather is too perfect

The Pac-12 is just soft. Their only hope is to like import kids from the East coast... who wants to go to UCLA and like be in a gym all day, every day and work on your game? No, that's not why you go to UCLA.

Super Bowl 48 was a worse game than Super Bowl 53

I would say the worst Super Bowl that I've ever watched is probably the Denver-Seahawks Super Bowl. But that was just because it was a blowout from the very start.

Vic Fangio is a good hire for the Broncos

I really think that Fangio is a good hire for the Broncos. Oh, yeah, absolutely. We haven't really talked about it that much.

Super Bowl 53 was Bill Belichick's best coaching job ever

I actually think this is probably his best coaching job. Because they're probably not the most talented Super Bowl team he's had, but they ran man basically all year, and then they ran zone in the Super Bowl and just fucked up Sean McVay.

Marijuana is a better recovery tool for NFL players than opioids or Ambien

I didn't like taking Ambien. I didn't like opioids. I didn't like none of that stuff. The only thing that got me to level out and get some sleep, and because my knees were shot, was [marijuana].

Some great coordinators are simply not meant to be head coaches

There are certain guys who were just assistant coaches... Just because you're good at being a defensive coordinator doesn't mean you can be a head coach... certain guys are meant to be a head coach, certain guys are not.

Winning Super Bowl 53 means Rob Gronkowski has three rings because of rounding rules

If Gronk had lost that Super Bowl, he'd still have one Super Bowl ring, but winning that Super Bowl means he has three... if you weigh 250 pounds, you can say, I'm pretty much 300 pounds... everybody would be like, yeah, you definitely look like you weigh 300 pounds.

The NBA purposefully tried to cuck the NFL during Super Bowl week

I saw somebody tweet something out like, I've scored the first four days of Super Bowl week as 10-8, 10-9, 10-8, 10-9 in favor of the NBA... This is our week, NBA. You sons of bitches, NBA. You did it again.

The Rams would win if both teams played a perfect game because they have more talent

I'm stuck with the same thought over and over. The Rams are the more talented team. But the Patriots, at the end of the day, it's still Brady and Belichick. If they both play perfect games, I think the Rams will win because they have more talent overall.