Takes

Rudy Gay is the most apathetic star in basketball

There's no one who is as good at basketball but cared less about playing basketball than Rudy Gay. That guy was just so apathetic to who won or lost a game.

Jerry Jones's threat to sue the NFL is a smoke bomb to hide his frustration with the national anthem issue

This is one of those things that I'm angry, I'm ticked off, and I'm going to do something about it. And what I'm going to do is threaten to sue... Although the vast majority of people who I know around the league are saying that Jerry was mad before the Ezekiel Elliott thing happened, very hard for me to take seriously the notion that Ezekiel Elliott has nothing to do with his anger and his venom right now.

Twitter's 280-character limit is too much reading

280 characters is too many, too much reading. I agree. Just reading in general, I think they should have reduced it by half.

The NBA is officially the emo league

I'd like to just say I'm done with the word petty to describe the NBA. We passed petty like a year and a half ago. I think emo is now the correct answer.

I'm hammering the Vegas Golden Knights at home whenever their opponent has a night off in Vegas beforehand

Whenever a team has a day in Vegas, I just bet the Golden Knights, and they've been great. People get fucked up there. In Vegas? No. It's an 82-game season. You get there, you're just going to rip it up.

I would take RGIII over Andrew Luck right now because RGIII is healthy

I would take RGIII. He's not injured right now. He has a clean bill of health, and he's got Greta. [Andrew Luck]... Jim Irsay made a comment to me about six weeks ago that it's inside his own head. I'm going to trust Jim Irsay on all matters related to mental health.

Aaron Rodgers is the best quarterback in the NFL because the Packers are trash without him

The Packers' Monday Night Football performance just proves, and I've said it for a long time... Aaron Rodgers is the best quarterback in the NFL because that team sucks without him. He makes everything good. And you put Brett Hundley in there and they look like a shell of themselves.

The only consistent teams you can trust in the NFL are the Eagles and the Patriots

The only two consistents are the Patriots and the Eagles. So the only two teams at this point in the season where you can confidently say I would trust those teams.

The Saints are a really good football team

The Saints are really, really good. And I think it helped that they were playing against Jameis Winston today... the only two teams at this point in the season where you can confidently say I would trust those teams [Eagles and Patriots] and maybe the Saints.

Lane Kiffin definitely knows the spread and plays to it

I've said this for many years, that Lane Kiffin is one of the only coaches that I will put my fucking life on it, that he knows the spread and plays to the spread. He used to do it at Tennessee, too, where he would go for two in random spots. I know Lane Kiffin knows the spread.

The NFL's decision to overturn Zach Miller's touchdown catch was close to laughable

They have officially tried to sell the fact that they were correct with their ruling on the field, which I'm sorry to say, but I don't want to call it laughable, but close to laughable... there's no part of that element of that play that is clear and obvious to overturn.

Any potential player ejection in the NFL should be reviewable

I think that we are at the point in this game where any potential ejection ought to be reviewable... because if everything's about players' safety... then if there are egregious acts that don't get called, even if they get called and they're not ejected and should be, then I think replay ought to be able to jump in.

Dwayne Wade is serving as LeBron James' ventriloquist for callouts

I like what Dwayne Wade's doing because now we see AI, the evolution of technology. LeBron no longer has to subtweet. He can just use Dwayne Wade as a little ventriloquist.

Carlos Correa should hand over his man card for proposing right after winning the World Series

Yeah, that's a problem for me because you don't want to propose at the best possible time of your life because everything's downhill from there. It's too much of a good thing... You're basically giving yourself Christmas and your birthday on the exact same day.

The Houston Astros should have kept the center field hill

I wish that they had kept that hill because that is the dumbest thing that has ever been put in a baseball field, and it needed to stay.

Millennials are less politically polarized and will save American society

I'm not blaming the millennials. I actually think the millennials are the guys that are going to save it. You guys are less politically motivated, less polarized... in general, my guess is you guys are going to do the right thing politically.

Major League Baseball is better when the Dodgers are disappointed

The Major League Baseball is better when the Dodgers are good. That's what people always say. I don't really believe that. I like Los Angelinos to be very disappointed in all their sports because they have everything else.

Deshaun Watson would have failed on the Browns because they ruin all quarterbacks

Deshaun Watson is forever going to be the could-have-been-on-the-Browns guy. But what people don't realize is he would have sucked on the Browns because that's what the Browns do to quarterbacks.

The Raiders have lost their mojo because they aren't getting enough penalties

Jack Del Rio said that they've lost their mojo. You want to know why? Because they're like one of the least penalized teams in the NFL. That's not Raiders football.

UConn Women's Basketball expects to win the national championship every single year

We expect to win the national championship every year. We know it's not possible... You're trying to put yourself in a position to have a shot every year, not to have these, you know, well, this is a rebuilding year.

Steph Curry would not be as successful if NBA refs allowed the physicality of college basketball

You think if they let – If they let guys in the NBA handle Steph Curry the way they handle college kids in college, he'd be able to do what he does? Absolutely not.

The NFL is the toughest sport to coach in the world

To me, the toughest sport to coach is the NFL. So those guys, to me, are the best coaches in the world.

Tom Brady has trained his brain to be anti-concussion

He's got an anti-concussion brain because of the thoughts he has. Yes, he's trained his brain not to get hurt... Imagine if he drank some of Russell Wilson's concussion water. He'd be unstoppable.

Facial hair is an aphrodisiac for women because it shows you can hunt and gather

Facial hair on a man, that is an aphrodisiac for women because it shows that you can provide for a family, you can hunt, you can gather, you can do it all.

NFL catch rules are bullshit after the Zach Miller non-touchdown

I am still so fucking mad about Zach Miller and that catch that wasn't a catch that was a catch. And I know, I know that this is, you know, the Calvin Johnson rule... but this is fucking bullshit. And it's the reason why, even though I love sports, I hate sports... I was that mad that Zach Miller broke his leg for nothing.

Roger Goodell is incompetent for not having blackmail on Jerry Jones

If you want to point your finger at [Goodell] for one thing... it's his complete negligence and incompetence for not being able to pick up any sort of compromising material on Jerry Jones... He's really not that difficult to compromise.

The 'shark photo' was the beginning of the end for Jim McElwain at Florida

I'd say it all went south when we all just thought that Jim McElwain was fucking a shark... When you have to hold a press conference saying you did not fuck a shark, that probably means the job's not for you.

The Patriots are officially back with the best defense in the NFL

The Patriots were dead, and now all of a sudden they have the best defense. It's fucked up.

Jonathan Quinn is the worst quarterback to ever play more than one game in the NFL

Jonathan Quinn might be the worst quarterback to ever play more than one game in the NFL.

Antwaan Randle El was a better quarterback than Ben Roethlisberger during the Steelers' first Super Bowl run

Ben Roethlisberger, people forget Ben Roethlisberger, his first couple years, he was really bad. That Super Bowl he won, the first one. Honestly, Antwaan Randle El was a better quarterback.

High school football coaching in America fails to prepare quarterbacks for the college spread offense

what we're seeing at the college level is all these high school kids are running like fancy, like pro-style offenses where they just hand the ball off and they play under center too much and they're not preparing kids enough for the college game to play in the spread offense.

You cannot lead a clubhouse while wearing adult braces

[Joe Girardi's] problem was he could never recover from having braces. Adult braces. You can't be a leader of men with adult braces... if you can't straighten your teeth out, you can't straighten out a clubhouse.

Alex Rodriguez would be a great MLB manager

I'm not going to say that they should take a look at my boss, Alex Rodriguez, but if they were smart, A-Rod would be a hell of a boss, a hell of a manager. He knows how to keep the guys loose.

The TV show should have remained titled Pardon My Take rather than changing it to Barstool Van Talk

I was against the name change. I thought [Pardon My Take] made sense from a branding standpoint from what we've built right here to bring our audience over to television. I thought it made all the sense in the world to keep the show's name as [Pardon My Take].

I stand by the totality of my work despite previous offensive comments used to cancel the show

I've said many things that I'm sure if you showed to me today, I'd be like, eh, probably not the best. But I think more than anything, more than like one tweet or one word you said, you should be judged by the totality of everything you've done. And I will stand by everything I've done at Barstool. I'll stand by the platform that it's given me. I'll stand by the audience that I've built.

ESPN mismanaged the Barstool deal by putting the show on the air when they knew they couldn't handle the internal pressure

I really wish ESPN had stood tall on it because I think it was shitty that they put us on, and then they basically took us off. When they knew that this all could come brewing, they should have just never put us on to begin with. It was mismanaged from the beginning.

Pete Rose belongs in the Baseball Hall of Fame as a player

As a baseball player, put him in the Hall of Fame. Don't let him hold a job. That's it. If you cheat in grad school, I don't take away from your undergrad degree. And that's the way I look at it with Pete. He did something wrong as a manager. Now, if you can prove he bet as a player, then I wouldn't put him in the Hall of Fame.

I would have easily beaten Skip Bayless in a game of one-on-one basketball

[Skip Bayless] is in good shape. But if we're shooting, then I would steal his lunch money. I would have lit up Skip Bayless.

Playoff Kershaw is no longer a real thing and I was wrong to mock him

Clayton Kershaw, Playoff Kershaw is no longer a thing. It sucks. I love to laugh at Clayton Kershaw every October when someone would put a moonshot three rows up. It sucks that we can't make fun of Clayton Kershaw anymore.

Carson Wentz is actually a good quarterback and I was wrong about him

And my other one is Carson Wentz. He's fucking good. And I, for a long time, said he sucked.

Austin, Texas is a bad sports town for trying to steal the Columbus Crew

Austin, Texas. Bad sports town... they are currently in the midst of cucking the Columbus Crew. They're trying to steal the Crew, which is a Talking Soccer. They're trying to steal an MLS team and bring them down to Austin, Texas.

The Chicago Bears are for real

The Bears are for real. Never meant to make Cam Newton cry. See his outfit. What a real weird guy. John Fox has his team playing John Fox football, which means he takes his back, back, back, back, back to a time before Bradbury Robinson and the forward pass didn't exist.

The Atlanta Falcons are officially pretenders

The Falcons are pretenders. They are officially in the pretenders pile. You know what's great, too, is I think they started like 2-0 and everyone was like, see, told you, the Falcons do not have a Super Bowl hangover. Now you see them. They are mentally just broken.

College football is more fun when Notre Dame is good

Notre Dame is back. And it's going to be fun. It's going to be fun to watch Notre Dame get their hopes all the way up. College football is significantly more fun when Notre Dame is back.

Hue Jackson is this generation's Norv Turner or Wade Phillips

I think with [Hue] Jackson, it's just a matter of time at this point. He strikes me as this generation's Norv Turner or Wade Phillips, who is very good as a coordinator, good enough to keep getting head coaching jobs, but bad enough as a head coach to not hold those jobs.

Kyrie Irving telling a fan to 'suck my dick' was worth the $25,000 fine

Kyrie got fined 25,000 that's not that much totally worth it to say suck my dick to fan yes absolutely yeah... Saying suck my dick in Philly is like the nicest thing you can do. That's the Philadelphia hello.

The Dodgers are a better team than the Cubs

I am ready now to admit that the Dodgers are the better team. Was it a gentleman's sweep? Yeah, it was. I love the gentleman's sweep.

The Yankees are the No. 1 team in the destiny power rankings

My guess is the Yankees. The Yankees, currently right now, if we're doing our team of destiny power rankings, they're clearly No. 1. The pinstripes are popping extra hot right now.

You cannot have a championship drought if you have never won a title

The Astros, the Indians are the longest drought for Major League Baseball. Yes. For a championship. The Rangers are second longest. The Astros are third. The Rangers and the Astros have never won a World Series. Can you have a drought if you've never won a World Series? Because I say no.

Clout is a drug that is cocaine-like but not addictive and has no hangover

Clout is like a drug that you only do when you're in Hollywood. You do clout, and you have the greatest party of all time... Clout is like, it's cocaine, but it's cleaner, and it's not addictive. It's not addictive, non-bad for you. No hangover.