Takes

Jimmy Garoppolo is essentially Cody Kessler with a better logo

The way I've described him is it's like if you go into a shop and you've got 10 shirts that are exactly the same. It's like buying the one with the Nike logo on it. It's not necessarily a better shirt. It just looks better. [Garoppolo] and Cody Kessler is not a big difference.

Mitchell Trubisky should start immediately rather than sitting

Normally, you want to sit a rookie quarterback if he needs to fix his footwork or fix his throwing motion... But Trubisky's got good feet. He reacts to pressure well... I would play him so he can learn. He's got good accuracy. He's a good athlete. He's really poised. He can go through reads. And I'd happily take him as a starter.

Aaron Rodgers is the best quarterback in the NFL

Well, I think the obvious one is Aaron Rodgers... [His struggles were because] His wide receivers can't catch the ball. Devontae Adams can't get open. Jordy Nelson couldn't move because he was coming off an ACL tear.

Tom Brady showed signs of regression in the 2016 playoffs despite winning the Super Bowl

The playoffs last year weren't great. I know they won the Super Bowl, they came back, but in the fourth quarter of that Falcons game, if you go through it, he threw the ball to defenders. On the Edelman catch, if you look at where that ball arrives and where he threw it, it was straight to the defender... That's just lucky.

A .10 BAC is the minimum threshold for an underage drinking citation to be considered cool

At least a .10. That's really the threshold right there. Come on, like .04? Would you use mouthwash that morning?

LeBron James is triggered and definitely not enjoying his summer

LeBron James is triggered... When he hashtags 'enjoying my summer', hashtag 'you do the same', that's a pretty telltale sign he is not enjoying his summer. Because you know LeBron probably told someone to tell Stephen A. Smith, 'Hey, I want to beat Kyrie Irving's ass,' and then when it comes out, he goes to Twitter.

The Tennessee Titans are the 'Dark Horse' team that isn't actually a dark horse

I also have the dark horse team that's not a dark horse team because everyone says it's their dark horse team. The Tennessee Titans. It's the team that just missed the playoffs and has a ton of young talent.

Derrick Rose signing with the Cavs is sad and marks the end of his relevancy

Derrick Rose just signed with the Cavs... He's going to be LeBron's little sidekick. Is he going to be Robin? It's very sad how his career has turned out. $2.1 million to play with a guy that he absolutely despised when he was in Chicago.

Golf is in good hands with Jordan Spieth as the new face of the sport

Golf is officially on the cool throne because Jordan Spieth, he is now the new face of golf. I don't know if you guys have seen, but golf is in good hands now. We're out of the woods with the post-Tiger Woods era. Jordan Spieth's the guy.

David Ross is the face of baseball because of Dancing with the Stars

One guy that his retirement went so opposite of mine that it kind of annoys me now is David Ross... He was the face of baseball when it was the Dancing with the Stars. Buster Olney or Ken Rosenthal were saying he's the face of baseball because he's what most people would recognize.

Pitching inside is the safest way to attack Aaron Judge

With those guys, like the big guys like [Aaron Judge], I think keeping the ball inside is safer because if you throw it out over the middle, there's the chance to hit it right back up the middle right at you. So keeping it inside and hope they put it on the ground.

Once a pitcher hurts their back, they are screwed long-term

It's unfortunate. Once you hurt your back, you're screwed. Trust me. [Kershaw] tried to change his workout... and I don't think it helped.

Yu Darvish is the best trade target available among top pitchers

I would take Darvish. I like Darvish. He's got great stuff. I know the Dodgers and Cubs are looking at both those guys, but I mean, they're all really good, but I'm a big fan of Yu Darvish. I like his stuff. I know Verlander's got more... control, but I'm a big Darvish guy.

Kyrie Irving is requesting a trade to control his own destiny like LeBron James

I love it because [Kyrie Irving]'s basically pulling LeBron in LeBron's face. He's like, I want to control my own destiny just like you have. ... Kyrie's like, yeah, I don't want to stick around for you to leave next year and fuck me over.

Kyrie Irving requesting a trade proves he is a 'beta' player

So Kyrie, not an alpha, right? ... Well, there you go. So that means he's not an alpha. Current beta. He's currently robbing LeBron James Batman. He's self-admitting that he's a beta. ... By asking for a trade, you're telling on yourself that you've been a beta for the last five years.

Floyd Mayweather is a 'small little boy' and that's why the media glosses over his past

Hey, Floyd's a little boy. That's why. He's a small little boy. He's not this big heavyweight guy that everybody's afraid of. He doesn't come across as a woman neither because he's a little guy.

McGregor only stands a chance against Mayweather if he can kick and use knees

McGregor have to be able to kick. ... He has to be able to kick and use his knees. ... [Otherwise] he's not going to stand much of a chance.

I disagree with firing an SEC coach for seeing an escort in Tampa

I disagree with firing an SEC coach for going to see an escort, though, especially if it's in Tampa. That's home of that situation. That's a boys be boys situation.

Mark Trestman was a smart hiring choice for the Chicago Bears

I said that the Bears thought outside the box when hiring Mark Trestman, and it will pay big dividends as they have one of the smartest coaches in the NFL now.

Wally Szczerbiak and Keith Van Horn were going to be incredible NBA players

I thought that Nick Kaner-Medley, Wally Szczerbiak, Steve Wojciechowski, and Keith Van Horn would all be incredible NBA players.

Rajon Rondo is just one notch below Paul Pierce in Celtics history

When Rajon Rondo got traded to the Mavericks, I said he was a notch below Pierce, who was like a notch below Bill Russell.

Billionaires should pay for their own stadiums

It's unpopular to say it, but I think that billionaires should pay for their own fucking stadiums too, Bill [Simmons].

The Challenge is the fifth best sport in America

If we're talking about non-mainstream sports, that's The Challenge. It's the fifth best sport in all of America.

Curling is chess on ice and is a perfect mix of brain and brawn

It's chess on ice. It's a perfect mix of brain and brawn, and yeah, it's fantastic. The sweeping is incredibly taxing.

Moms are more important than the troops

I'm going to go with moms come first. There would be no troops if it wasn't for moms.

Michael Jordan is better than LeBron James

[Gun to your head] I mean, you go with MJ.

LeBron James' career is an incredible feat given the spotlight he has faced since age 18

For what [LeBron]'s had to handle from such a young age... to have the entire world spotlight on you, expecting you to be great, and to go out there and to live up to all the hype that people have put on you. And also have a clean record off the court... that's incredible.

Winning a Super Bowl is more important than making the Hall of Fame

Super Bowl champion. The Hall of Fame is awesome. It's really cool. But I think at the end of the day, you know if you played good or not. I don't think you necessarily need the justification of wearing it.

Success is not owned, it's leased, and rent is due every day

Its success is not owned its least and rent is due every day. And that's what I said... I've never once said that that was my quote. I've said before that it's not my quote. But people always give that to me.

Saving a child's life is more important than saving an elderly person

Saving a child's life. I mean, if you're going to save one, you've got to save the kids.

Deontay Foreman should become a Second Amendment activist to resolve his PR issues in Texas

This is a very on-brand thing in Texas, to have a gun. Everyone's got a gun in Texas. Just become a huge Second Amendment guy. Deontay Foreman should go into the Houston Chipotle with an AR-15 strapped over your shoulder. ... Then I'm sure you'll get all the NRA people just absolutely 100% having their back.

The Aaron Judge slump is caused by participating in the Home Run Derby

The Aaron Judge, did he fuck up his swing, is fully back. He's like one for 14 right now. I think we called that before the home run derby even started, right?

You can't be one of the best players on a team if you only played three games

I think last year, yeah, I would not – I mean, you only played three games. You can't be one of the best players on the team if you only played three games.

I will never publicly put out statistical goals again

Never put numbers out anymore because then all people do is bring up those numbers and they don't actually watch. I did that one year... and for the rest of that next season and beyond, everybody's like, well, he didn't hit it. And everybody compares you to that.

99% of office meetings could be solved with a text thread

I would say that 99% of meetings in general could just be solved with a text thread.

Aaron Judge is the face of baseball right now

With Mike Trout being hurt, Mike Trout being on the West Coast, the New York market is just crazy about baseball. ... it's hard to say [Judge] is not the face of baseball right now.

The MLB All-Star Game should matter for home-field advantage

I now this is this is going to be like people were like wow sick brag you went to the home run derby i have never been wowed by home runs like i was... but i would prefer for [the All-Star Game] to matter than sit there and be like, oh, who gives a shit? 2-1 game. No one's really trying that hard.

No specific controversy will ever be enough to bring down the Trump family

People who think this is the controversy to bring down the Trumps, because my favorite part about whatever the Trumps are getting into the entire family is the reaction saying this is it. This is the one. And guess what? This probably isn't the one, so you only have about 24 hours to say it's the one until everyone's like, eh, nothing's probably going to happen.

The MLB should determine World Series home field by interleague play record

What they should do is whichever AL NL, whoever has a better record in interleague play. Boom. Problem solved. There's a little National League versus American League pride now.

Floyd Mayweather is overmatched by Conor McGregor in trash talking

Mayweather for the first time in his life is very clearly overmatched in the shit talking game. So he's been known as a good shit talker but in reality he's just been like i'm gonna beat the fuck out of this guy... McGregor has that where basically anything McGregor says is funny because it's Irish.

Chris Berman retired from the Home Run Derby because it was in Miami and he'll sweat too much

Chris Berman retired from the All-Star game and ESPN last winter... I think maybe Chris Berman was like, oh, fuck. The home run derby is going to be in Miami. I think he was [reading the tea leaves]. They don't make a sweatshirt that's dark enough to cover up the stains that Berman would be sweating through.

Meditating is a top-four way to cool down in the summer

My last one is just meditating. Meditate... when I said meditating, I meant cool down like when you get hot in an argument. Like when you ever get in a really big argument. You need to take a deep breath.

Laying on the bathroom floor is the greatest feeling when you have the spins

This is actually more for when you have the spins, but it still is the greatest thing in the world. Just laying down on the bathroom floor... There's actually no better feeling in the world. It's great. When you're hot, when you're drunk, when you have the spins.

Aaron Rodgers loves to get angry at other athletes' contracts

This is like the Aaron Rodgers specialty. Aaron Rodgers loves to get pissed off at other quarterbacks' contracts. That's like his thing. I want him to start jumping into other sports too and getting pissed off and be like, hey, I'm a better quarterback than James Harden is a shooting guard. How come I'm not getting paid?

Clayton Kershaw is the 'asshole' of Major League Baseball

For Clayton Kershaw, he's just like the – would you consider him an asshole?... every pitcher, if they're going to be a really good pitcher, they need to have a streak of being an asshole. Yeah, so we'll call Clayton the asshole of Major League Baseball.

Catchers and calling the game are more important than hitting or throwing

Number one is catching and calling a game no matter what. You have to be able to call a game, know the right pitch, know your pitching staff, know when to call and what to call at certain times... throwing would have to be last, and probably hitting and then throwing is last.

Shoeless Joe Jackson belongs in the Hall of Fame

You think Joe Jackson should be a Hall of Famer?... Yes, I do... He had a pretty good World Series for someone trying to throw it.

Tim Tebow should 'go for it' in baseball even if he doesn't make it

Why not? Go for it. I mean, hey, if someone wants to give you a job to play professional sports and you want to try it, why would you say no?... If you don't make it, you don't make it, and you can always go back to ESPN and do the SEC.

St. Louis Cardinals fans are the classiest in baseball, followed by the White Sox

Rank the classiest fan bases... Well, St. Louis is number one. You could be 0 for 100, and they'll tell you you're going to get a hit tomorrow, even though you know you're not going to... For me, the White Sox, too, probably. Braves, three.

Dentist offices should be installed on airplanes to save time

I'm also the guy who has the idea that we should start having dentist offices in planes so we can, you know, kill two birds with one stone... obviously we're gonna have to get through some of these hurdles [like turbulence].