Takes

Snow football is the best football to watch

The Packers game, Bears game. Those are the best games to watch. Snow football. Love it. It's fun to get excited for the first snowfall and then just be miserable for four months straight.

Mixing caramel and cheese popcorn is the correct way to eat it

Oh, I like to eat them both [caramel and cheese popcorn]. Then lick my hand, then put my hand back in.

Clemson is the only team with the speed to match up with Alabama

The team, when Ohio State beat Alabama a couple years ago... athletically they had the players to match up with Alabama. And I think right now that Clemson fits in that same mold. The only team that I don't like against Alabama really is Washington. I just don't think that they got the overall team speed to run with Alabama.

You have to give a college coach four years to build a program

I really think you've got to give a guy four years. Because when you go into a job... there's commitments. And so you honor those kids. And they may not fit in offense, defense, scheme-wise to what you're going to do.

Ezekiel Elliott is eating cereal, not soup, in his 'feed me' celebration

I saw somebody say, look at Ezekiel Elliott eating that cereal... he does his little soup celebration every time he gets some yards. I thought it's soup. Nope. It's cereal.

Tiger Woods took a Monster Energy sponsorship because he wants to turn into a 'JV' version of himself

I'd like to see Tiger turn into Cabrera, the guy that smokes on the golf course. I'd like to see Tiger just embrace the new weird, washed up, second rate C plus JV Tiger and just start smoking.

The NFL should have logo-branded eyepatches for coaches like Mike Zimmer

If it was Jack [Del Rio] or if it was like Bruce Arians, Pete Carroll... They would have their team logo put on the eyepatch. Rex Ryan would for sure.

You shouldn't bet your life savings on any single game this weekend; spread it out

I don't feel comfortable betting all my life savings on one game, I would spread it out.

I grew up a 49ers fan and could never get on board with Tim Rattay because they were terrible with him

I guess not a fan of was Tim Rattay... He was the Niners quarterback when I was... or one of them, one of the many when I was growing up. And I was a big Niner fan, and they were terrible with him. I could never get on board with him ever.

Jeff Fisher is as big of a 'football guy' as they come

As big of a football guy as I come... I mean, that's his whole deal. I mean, he's there all day, and obviously he's been a head coach for a long time, been in football longer than a lot of head coaches in the league.

I'm a sports fan overall, not just a 'football guy' because it's my job

I've been playing my whole life, but I think I'm just more of an overall sports fan. Really, I like every sport. I played all three growing up... I'm more of just a sports fan, but obviously I am a football guy because I do play the sport as a living.

Rob Gronkowski is the best player in the NFL

I honestly think he's the best player in the NFL.

Richie Incognito is the kind of guy you want on your side when the chips are down

He is that dude that you want on your side when the chips are down. Yeah. He's that dude. He really is.

Training yourself to say 'tuckus' instead of 'ass' makes you a giant 'tuckus hole'

Do you know how big of a tuckus hole you need to be to actually do that in college? ...What a fucking tuckus. God I hate, I hate that.

Tiger Woods fanboys are delusional if they think the old Tiger is coming back

I just can't stand the Tiger fanboys that think old Tiger's coming back. He said it's phase two, which is nice. He leaves out the point that Phase 1 stopped after he became addicted to working out with Navy SEALs, cheated on his wife, crashed into a fire hydrant and hurt his back a million times.

More football is always better, so everyone complaining about Thursday Night Football should shut up

I would need people on Twitter, all the nerds out there who keep complaining about Thursday night: Shut up. More football is always better. Don't do this. You're ruining it. I hate people who are like, Thursday night football sucks. Guess what? It's better than no football.

Aaron Rodgers isn't washed; the Packers' defensive injuries are the real problem

I don't think [Rodgers] was ever gone. I mean, their defense kind of sucks. So that's not really helping his cause when he's throwing for 300 yards and three touchdowns and they still lost. I don't really get that whole narrative. They've got a lot of injuries, especially on defense.

Greg Schiano failed as an NFL head coach because he focused too much on minor details

I think his biggest downfall as a head coach was he focused on way too many details. You kind of lost sight of the big picture. I was focused on, okay, if we recover a fumble, this is how my hands have to be and I need to tuck it into my body at a 90 degree angle. It was so many little details and you were on pins and needles.

Johnny Manziel needs to get sued or arrested every few months just to let us know he's alive

Johnny Manziel is being sued because apparently he broke some bartender's nose. Good to know Johnny Manziel is still alive. We need him to get sued or arrested every few months to let us know that he's alive.

The NFL should award one point for a kickoff that goes through the uprights

John Harbaugh wants to make the kickoff worth one point if his kicker can kick it through the uprights. I like this rule though. We need more kickers. I've been saying for years that if you hit the upright, it should be worth extra.

The Dallas Cowboys are the best team that sucks in the NFL

Dallas is still maybe the best team in the NFL, which is insane. They're the best team that sucks. In the NFL. They're the suckiest best teams, too.

Ohio State is not a lock for the College Football Playoff if Penn State wins the Big Ten

If Penn State beats Wisconsin... I think you're looking at either two Big Ten teams in or you're looking at Penn State in and Ohio State out. Now, that's very, like, no one agrees with me on this... Kirk Herbstreit, those guys are saying, no, they're saying, you know, Ohio State's a lock... And I don't know how they can comfortably say that.

College players should be allowed to transfer without penalty if their coach leaves

A quick fix for the NCAA for me to make things fairer for the players is to let them transfer if their coach goes they should be able to go too let them go i agree with that

Fox has a much better Thanksgiving broadcast than CBS because they use holiday graphics

CBS cheated us on that. I don't know if you saw it. But it came back. They didn't have it, and then Fox was like a bukkake of leaves on my face. Leaves and gourds just dripping... I actually got mad on Thanksgiving Day when I turned on the Lions game and it was just a regular scoreboard. How the fuck am I supposed to know it's a holiday if it's a regular scoreboard?

NFL games in Mexico are much more electric than games in England

Mexico. I actually, that was an electric game. It was the exact opposite of football in England. England is so fucking boring. Everyone looks like it's a chore to be there... Mexico. They had the shot of the barbed wire. It felt like the Thunderdome.

The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is the most overrated thing in the world

Macy's Thanksgiving Parade is the most overrated thing in the entire world. Even more overrated than the show Friends. It is the worst. I hate it.

Thanksgiving should be a full holiday, not just a meal as Will Muschamp suggests

Will Muschamp came out and said for South Carolina, Thanksgiving's a meal, not a day. We're going to practice in the morning... I also totally disagree with that. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, and it is fully worth having a full day for.

J.J. Watt’s Players' Tribune article is basically erotic fan fiction he wrote about himself

One was wearing a 99 jersey with my name on the back, and another was wearing shoes with my logo on them... That was some fucking fan fiction erotic art shit for J.J. Watt. He hired a J.J. Watt mega fan to write that passage.

Dak Prescott picking up his Gatorade cup proves he is a classy young man

How about Dak Prescott showing his leadership by picking up the cup of Gatorade that he tried to throw away? It's just a class act, a precocious, classy young man.

Russell Wilson is a bizarre human being who would be in a mental institution if he weren't an athlete

The person who woke him up every hour and a half, the voodoo people, the hypnotist, the concussion water, the strength coach... he's just a bizarre human being... if he wasn't an exceptional athlete and he did all this shit, he would probably be in a mental institution.

Ben McAdoo is a watered-down fraud of a football guy

Ben McAdoo seems like he's trying real hard as a first-year head coach to be a football guy. I think he's overextending himself a little bit. He sounds like a fraud. He's like a watered-down football guy.

Bill Belichick 100% pays attention to metrics but acts like he doesn't for his brand

He absolutely pays attention to metrics. 100% he does, but he acts like he doesn't. So he's playing a double mind game... he's like I'm going to make them think that I'm even more of a football guy than I really am when behind the scenes I've got my spreadsheets set out.

Snow football is the key to driving NFL ratings back up

I think that this is absolutely the key to driving ratings back up is get a couple snow games in people will watch snow football all day.

Butch Jones has Tennessee football headed in the right direction

I love Butch Jones, and he's building the program. It's headed in the right direction... We've planted a lot of seeds, but hopefully one's going to catch on pretty soon.

NFL teams should just go for two every single time they score a touchdown

Is there any reason why teams shouldn't just go for two every time? No, not at all. Just go for two every time... isn't 50% of two greater than 97% of one?

Twitter is a perfect representation of what is going on in the world and decides major decisions

Twitter decides major, major important decisions. Twitter is a really good testament to what is going on in the world. Right. Great representation. Everything that everyone's exactly.

Setting a hotel room thermostat to 60 degrees is the best move in life

Stardom, putting the hotel room to like 60 degrees. That is the best move out there. Love doing that. I don't even care if it's winter. Just get under those blankets.

Thomas Morstead would be the last man standing in a punter battle royale

I think Thomas Morstead, actually. I feel like he secretly does karate and stuff, and he's super jacked. John Ryan's also pretty jacked... I don't think I've survived too long to find out.

Skyline Chili is good; people only hate it because they have soft out-of-town stomachs

I think it's pretty good... I got a feeling that your hatred for Skyline comes from, you know, just your guys' soft stomachs out there in New York... out-of-towners don't have a very tough stomach.

I feel washed up at 31 while LeBron James claims he is only getting stronger

LeBron came out today and said, he had this to say, people think I'm going to slow down, but I'm only getting stronger. Huh. We're LeBron's age, right? We're both 31. Do you feel like you're getting stronger as a human? Because I feel like I'm getting washed up day by day.

The website Fantex, which sold stock in athletes, is a total scam

I went to Fantex.com. You'll remember Fantex is the company that allowed you to buy stock in professional athletes. Totally reputable company where you could pay like $10,000 to get like half a percentage of half a percentage of Arian Foster's future earnings. Not a Ponzi scheme. Not a Ponzi scheme at all. Totally legit, above board, and their website's not working.

Kansas is a complete team that has everything

I really like this Kansas team. And maybe it was because Duke seemed like a classic Duke team where they were a little soft down low. But I thought this Kansas team has everything.

You watch college basketball to see Duke players cry after tournament losses

If you are not a Duke fan, you watch college basketball for the moment that Luke Kennard and Grayson Allen cry during the tournament after they get stunned by a 10-seed. That's why you watch.

The Steelers are no longer playing 'Steelers football'

My hot seat is Steelers football. Pittsburgh is not playing Steelers football. They're not winning. They're not playing defense... their defense is soft. And they're not running the ball, they're 25th in the league in running.

Buy New Balance stock now and sell it right before New Year's

I'm going to disagree with you. I think now's the time to buy stock in New Balance because, like we said, the people who are buying New Balance right now aren't going to know that it's racist for a while. So they're going to keep buying, okay? And meanwhile, the neo-Nazis probably weren't buying New Balance already. Now there's going to be a run on New Balance. So it's a short play. You buy New Balance, and then you dump it right before New Year's.

Chris Collinsworth's son Jack is likely running his Twitter account

Jack Collinsworth the night before Chris's son... when the tweet went out from Bill Simmons he wrote somebody needs to gently break the news to Simmons that his show just got canceled... I think Jack is running Chris's account and Chris is either going to explain that or he got roped into some radio wars.

LeBron's 'crime syndicate' is the reason for Tristan Thompson's breakup

LeBron's posse. Yeah, it is. It really is. It actually is... It's LeBron's leadership because people on the team were calling him Tris Kardashian, and you can't have that sort of fraction in the locker room.

Sweating is just your skin having an orgasm

My first take is saying sweating is making your skin cum. So that was funny when I wrote it down at the time.

The great uniter in America is watching Tony Romo look miserable

America can always get behind watching Tony Romo look miserable. That is the great uniter here in America. And we're used to seeing it after he throws a fourth quarter interception... This time it was when they were winning and he was trying to put on that happy face. And it turns out that Tony Romo putting on a happy face is actually the saddest thing you've ever seen.

We need to bring back the BCS because computers don't have chaos

Computer's fault for ranking these teams too high. We need the BCS back. Is there a bug in the system? You know when there was never chaos? Russians are hacking the BCS system. Never had chaos. I know I agree. Forget that, let's bring it all back.