Takes

The song 'Mo Bamba' is officially dead now that Big Cat is singing it

My Hot Seat is... Mo Bamba. The song. Because Big Cat finally has become aware of it, has been singing it nonstop for the past couple days. So that's pretty much as clear as day sign that it's over.

Our next breaking news scoop is 100% guaranteed to be correct

The next piece of news that we break, 100% guarantee that it's correct. 100%. We are not going to take any more risks. We're going to get back in the winning streak.

Half the internet will hate whatever name the Seattle hockey team chooses

Whatever they're going to name [the Seattle hockey team], prediction, whatever they're going to name it, half the people on the internet are going to be mad. Half the people are going to like it just like their jerseys.

NASA's Mars Insight lander will find 'evidence of water' that we already knew about

They're going to maybe find traces of what might have been water a billion years ago. But the headlines are going to say evidence of water on Mars, which we already have.

I'm guaranteeing Duke wins the national championship

I'm guaranteeing Duke wins. [Big Cat] is guaranteeing Duke wins.

Ayahuasca could help fix Markelle Fultz's mental block

That could actually probably help Markelle Fultz because it's all in his mind. [Ayahuasca] will clear you up... his brain is broken.

I am rooting for Washington State to get into the College Football Playoff

I now am rooting for Washington State to get into the playoff just to piss off... Mike Leach... is going to make [Saban or Harbaugh] so angry because they're all serious.

Steph Curry might leave the Warriors for the Lakers

Aisha Curry recently followed Vanessa Bryant on Instagram. So what if Steph was the one to leave the Warriors, go to the Lakers, and leaves KD to deal with Draymond and all the trash in Golden State?

Bill O'Brien is a bad coach who will never win a Super Bowl

Bill O'Brien's a bad coach and no way he's going to win a Super Bowl. Yeah, exactly. No way he's going to win a Super Bowl.

Les Miles will be the next head coach of the Kansas Jayhawks

As first reported on Pardon My Take, stolen from message boards online. Les Miles will be the next head coach of the Kansas Jayhawks.

The holiday season officially starts right now (November 14th)

My cool throne is actually for everyone who wants to get drunk all the time, because I think we can officially say it's holiday season. Starting right now.

NASA is inventing stories about aliens to secure funding against Space Force

This goes back to my theory that NASA is just inventing cool shit to talk about so they can continue their funding because right now they're going up against Space Force. But I would assume that, like, this would be something that Space Force would really get a lot of money thrown into their coffers for. If you think that there's aliens that are actually checking us out.

Duke is guaranteed to win the national title this year

Duke is going to win the national title. Mark this down. Write this down. Post it. We'll replay this in the spring. Duke is going to win the national title. Guaranteed. Big Cat guarantee. There's nothing that will stop him.

Urban Meyer will coach the Packers and Mike McCarthy will coach the Browns

The tip that I got, I think I said it last week, that the dominoes have started to fall. Hugh Jackson gets fired. Urban Meyer goes to coach the Packers. Mike McCarthy gets fired, coaches the Browns because of John Dorsey. And then Bob Stoops comes and coaches Ohio State.

Nebraska will upset Ohio State

Nebraska's been really bad this week. They're fixing for a big upset. If they lost this game, Urban Meyer's out. I think they're going to lose. I think he's out.

Illegal streams for the Tiger vs Phil pay-per-view will lead to a hacking bloodbath

If you are a hacker on the internet, the Tiger and Phil pay-per-view illegal streams will be a field day. Because I would imagine a lot of 50-year-old white dudes trying to find a Twitch stream will end up with a lot of hacking... It's going to be a bloodbath on the internet.

Nathan Peterman will beat the Chicago Bears

Big Cat is on the hot seat... because your Chicago Bears have to play against Nathan Peterman on Sunday. Peterman's back... Nathan Peterman hasn't played his best game yet. And I know that because he wouldn't still be on the roster if he was that bad.

Lacrosse is the sport of the future and will surpass baseball

My cool throne is lacrosse... My other hot seat could have been baseball because lacrosse is coming for that America's Pastime, sport of the future. Premier Lacrosse League was announced. TV deal... This sounds like a real dud. No, this is going to be great.

Ben Roethlisberger has used a computer less than ten times in his life

I'll say it right now. Since the day he left college, Ben Roethlisberger has sat in front of a computer less than ten times.

Jerry Jones traded for Amari Cooper because he was drinking Johnny Walker Blue

I do not understand how the Dallas Cowboys gave up a first-round pick for Amari Cooper... Jerry Jones... the reason is Johnny Walker Blue.

Marshawn Lynch is faking his injury because he doesn't want to play for Jon Gruden

Marshawn Lynch is out... He's out with an injured groin is the explanation they gave. I don't think that Marshawn Lynch is capable of having his groin injured... I think he doesn't like Jon Gruden. He doesn't want to play for Jon Gruden to do a car.

Josh Allen's ligaments were too weak to support his rocket arm

His arm was too strong that his ligaments couldn't support all the muscle... the good news is he doesn't need Tommy John surgery.

Khabib Nurmagomedov's dad will punish him more severely than the UFC

His fucking dad is going to kick the shit out of him. And it's so funny that this guy is 30 years old, one of the best UFC fighters of all time, and he's got to go home to Dagestan and get worse sanctions from his father than he will from Dana White.

I could convince Kyrie Irving that Australia doesn't exist in five minutes

I'm convinced that I could convince Kyrie Irving that Australia didn't exist if you gave me five to seven minutes in a room with him.

Candy corn is absolutely delicious and should be a year-round candy

Candy corn is absolutely delicious. I think it should be a year-round candy, and I can't wait to eat it for the next month.

Joe Maddon gave an Urban Meyer-esque answer regarding Addison Russell's abuse allegations

That's an Urban Meyer-esque answer, basically saying my internet doesn't work and my brain doesn't work and I forgot that I should probably read about my accusations that my players committed domestic abuse. Whether it's true or not, bad answer, Joe Maddon.

Jason Witten might be a robot

So are we sure Jason Witten is still alive? He is a robot, and I do not understand why they overthink these things so much and just not put Booger McFarland in the studio. You could actually hear Booger McFarland getting mad at Jason Witten.

Jason Garrett will definitely be fired this year

I think that... This is absolutely the year that he [Jason Garrett] gets fired. He's going to lose to the Giants on Sunday night, by the way.

The new Sunday Night Football theme 'Game On' is terrible

The Sunday Night Football song... What does NBC think they're fucking doing? I was waiting all day for Sunday night. No, I was waiting all day for waiting all day for Sunday night. And now it's some crappy Carrie Underwood... Game on is the new theme. Terrible.

If you don't like mayonnaise, you are probably homophobic and misogynistic

If you don't like mayo, you're actually, well, and also, you're probably kind of homophobic and a little misogynistic. Because you're just like, your masculinity is threatened by having this creamy, delicious spread just down your throat.

Christian Yelich will win the MLB MVP

It's Christian Yelich since appearing on Pardon My Take in July. He's first in batting average, tied for first in home runs, first in runs, first in RBIs, and first in slugging percentage. Many people are saying he's going to be the MVP.

Tom Brady will run for office in Massachusetts as a Democrat after he retires

I think that Tom Brady is going to run for office in Massachusetts after he's done playing football. And to win in Massachusetts when you're running for office, you typically have to be a Democrat. And Tom Brady has gone from having the Make America Great Again hat in his locker to now he's liking Colin Kaepernick's Instagram posts for the new ad campaign.

Tom Brady shipped Jimmy Garoppolo to San Francisco because he was a Republican

I think he shipped Jimmy Garoppolo out to San Francisco because Jimmy G was a Republican. And he didn't like having a Republican as his teammate. So he's like, I'm going to send you out to hang out with all the libs out in San Francisco.

Big Baller Brand is a better investment than Nike or Adidas because it is privately owned

Nike stock down because the Kaepernick stuff obviously, Adidas stock down. You know what stock's not down? Big Baller Brand because it's still privately owned. That's how you do it. Big Baller Brand's about to have a windfall from this.

It is better for your career to be a meme than to be in a blockbuster movie

Do you think it is better for your career to be in a blockbuster movie that makes, let's say, $500 million or be in the badass, like the coolest meme of all time? Coolest meme of all time. Easy answer.

The Chiefs' new parking lot policy is the beginning of the end for tailgating

The Chiefs have started a new policy where after the game starts, they're just going to start kicking people out of the parking lot. I feel like it could just be the beginning of the end... They're going to slowly outlaw tailgates.

The US will win the World Cup in 25 years thanks to Cristiano Ronaldo's son

Cristiano Ronaldo's son is now playing for Juventus under nine. And he was born in San Diego, so he's an American citizen. We're going to win the World Cup in 25 years.

Nicki Minaj is rattled and taking a backseat to Cardi B

She's just very rattled. And it's clear that Cardi B's album did better than hers. Cardi B was better at the VMAs. It's just clear that Nicki Minaj is taking a backseat, and she's not happy.

The tires on Post Malone's plane looked fine despite the emergency landing reporting

Are we staying woke on that, guys? ... a lot of people were saying, like, those tires look fine to me when the plane landed. ... those tires – They didn't look bad to me. That's all I'm going to say.

Paxton Lynch's days in the NFL are numbered

My hot seat is Paxton Lynch. I think I'm just going to put him on my hot seat until he's out of the NFL ... Paxton Lynch, your days are numbered, bucko.

Duke basketball is entering a major championship window because of Zion Williamson

My cool throne is Duke basketball. So they're back. Zion Williamson, my guy. 6'10", 320 pounds... Dunked from the free throw line. Kyrie, Jason Tatum about to take over for the Celtics. So it's going to be a big, big window for Duke basketball.

Paxton Lynch is the worst draft pick of all time

Paxton Lynch is going to totally get off the hook here. People will just forget he existed, but I will not let him off the hook because... Paxton Lynch stinks, and he's going to probably end up making whatever it was, $15 million for being a first-round pick. That guy needs to be like – someone needs to write a book. Paxton Lynch stinks.

Swag Kelly is the most talented quarterback on the Denver Broncos roster

Billy Football first reported that [Swag Kelly] is the most talented quarterback on that roster. Yes. And I love kind of the wildcard-ness that Swag brings. His name's Swag Kelly. He is the epitome of a wildcard.

Dwight Howard's plan to evolve into Kevin Durant and take jumpers will be a disaster

First one is the entire NBA because Dwight Howard, his trainer, has said that Dwight Howard wants to evolve into Anthony Davis, into Kevin Durant, but his own version of that... So Dwight Howard is going to start taking jumpers, which is going to be hilarious. It's going to be fun watching him try to shoot and take shots from John Wall and Bradley Beal.

Major League Baseball umpires are on the hot seat and we need electronic strike zones

My other hot seat is umps. So Ben Zobrist got tossed in the Cubs-Brewers game today, and on the way out, he said to umpire Phil Cuzzi... That's why we want electronic strike zones. And I think this is going to be the moment where we get this debate going again, and umps are now going to be on the hot seat because they fuck up a couple times a year, like, egregiously.

If you get arrested, you should drop the name of a mid-level officer rather than the President

If you get arrested, you want to drop a name. It's kind of the inverse of what you think it should be. You want to drop the smallest name possible that the guy would recognize. Like you want to drop the name of his slightly superior officer. You don't want to go straight to the top with the president.

Ohio State fans should have learned not to hold rallies before the facts are out from the Penn State / Joe Paterno situation

I feel like we should have learned our lesson with the Joe Paterno rallies. Maybe wait until we figure everything out before you do like an entire impromptu rally at the stadium being like Free Urban Meyer. I can't really wrap my head around these people because I would assume these are the same people that if you bash Urban Meyer on Twitter, they will reply with, wait till all the facts come out. But then they also held an entire rally with none of the facts out.

Roger Goodell should revoke David Tepper's ownership if he removes the NFL shield from the 50-yard line.

[David Tepper] is thinking about changing the midfield logo to a Panther. This would be the Panthers spitting in the face of Roger Goodell. I think Roger Goodell should think about revoking his charter as an owner.

Facebook is officially done as a relevant company

I'm calling my shot. I'm going to put the PFT death stake is going into Facebook right now. Wow. They're done. Have you been on Facebook recently? No. It's trash... it's all ants, trolls, and ants.

The Lakers have 14 players other than LeBron James who know how to play basketball

the narrative that LeBron James doesn't have any good teammates... super cool Michael Beasley said... you got 14 guys other than LeBron James that know how to play basketball. Also fact.